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Sun April 29, 2007
Houston Chronicle Sad Houston law firms volunteer new employees to prosecute speeding tickets. Some confidently demand the maximum penalty for 65 in a 60 zone. Some burst into tears when they lose (5)
The Newspaper Amusing What in a name? Maybe $10,000 (41)
BBC Hero Turkey serves as a model for the world in secularism (69)
(Casper Star Tribune) Obvious Jeff Gordon passes Dale Earnhardt's career NASCAR victory total with win at Talladega. Delighted fans shower their new hero with hundreds of beer cans in celebration (96)
Yahoo Asinine Japanese patch measures pet stress. Your dog wants Zoloft (16)
BBC Scary Two women arrested in Rome public transit umbrella stabbing death (48)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man flies across the country to have sex with a girl who turned out to be an undercover officer (114)
LA Times Scary Sometimes you eat the bear (105)
Seattle Times Spiffy Bangles becoming popular again. "There's something sexy about the jingle. It's like the bell of a woman calling your attention" (113)
(RGJ) Weird Man caught fapping behind a curtain at a teen volleyball tournament. No happy ending here (150)
TampaBays10.com Florida Former "American Idol" finalist arrested for aggravated battery with beer mug, cocaine possession. (with mugshot goodness) (84)
Houston Chronicle Unlikely For-profit vigilantes rid Rio slums of crime (72)
TampaBays10.com Florida Is there *anything* you can't do with a butter knife? (56)
(MyFoxKC) News Shooting at Ward Parkway Center in Kansas City, MO (311)
(Record-Courier) Dumbass Underage man tries using a prison id for a alcohol purchase, flees police, receives a "forward spinning strike" for his asshattery (32)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these brazin' hussies (63)
Houston Chronicle Interesting For $82 a night you can learn your lesson the Pablo Escobar way (52)
Canada.com Asinine Woman has to pay $2000 to clean up one of those "green" lightbulbs (283)
CNN Asinine Wounded from VT are coming out of the hospital, getting CNN another front page story out of them. Subby predicts Breaking News of VT Graduation, with live video (40)
BBC Asinine Family has been threatened with eviction after they put up razor wire to stop vandals breaking into their property (88)
(Some Guy) Strange Woman gets locked in a room for 15 years by her husband because she didn't have a big enough dowry (83)
Yahoo Interesting Two men admit to trafficking whale teeth, plead for baleiniency (64)
ABC News Cool PR campaign revamping Israel's image from Holy Land to Babes & Beaches Land. Where is your Yahweh now? (109)
Yahoo Interesting Spring: when the flowers bloom, the birds sing, and Darwin gets on his lawnmower and weeds out the stupid kids (67)
STLToday Strange Woman tries to shake down the local CW news crew for $10,000 or she'll kill her children. Children seen nervously wishing Mom would have picked the Fox affiliate (40)
Baltimore Sun Sad Four out of five eyewitnesses are about as reliable as a Ford Edsel, but the jury loves them, and that's what matters (87)
Sign On San Diego Interesting Man arrested for allegedly stealing 26 cars to see girlfriend (38)
Stuff Interesting The world's first matchmaking website for pets, by 17-year old New Zealand student (29)
(mlb.com) Sad St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock killed in auto accident (180)
SFGate Scary Northern Californian Farkers: Section Of Macarthur Maze collapses. Use alternative routes (165)
Yahoo Dumbass On Halloween 2005, prosecutors say, Peter Braunstein dressed in full firefighting regalia — but his outfit had nothing to do with the holiday, although he did pull out his firehose (19)
St. Pete Times Florida Florida A&M University is looking for about $2.7 million worth of missing stuff, including a golf cart, ice machine, five lawnmowers, and two large popcorn poppers (38)
Toronto Star Obvious Deadbeat $350/haircut hairdresser in dire financial straits. Where is John Edwards when you need him? (48)
Washington Post Ironic 82 prisoners remain locked up in Guantanamo Bay despite having been cleared of all charges against them, because the US doesn't want to deport them to places where they might face torture or other human rights abuses (483)
London Times Obvious Cavemen just *loved* doin' the nasty. Which is why we're all here (101)
Yahoo Caption Caption this picture of Barack Obama making some kind of point (137)
Globe and Mail Obvious Bush predicts the end of a "cruel dictatorship" in the western hemisphere. No, silly, he was talking about Cuba (84)
MDN Strange "I sleep at McDonald's three or four nights a week" (33)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this creampuff (64)
Yahoo Obvious Schools banning media players because kids are using them to cheat. Even Ric Romero is laughing at our educators (56)
(MaineToday.com) Obvious Goats can give so much more than just milk and sex (25)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Truck carrying booze flips on I-5. Relax, it was wine coolers (37)
(WLBZ2.com) Amusing Woman buys shoes and returns them without a receipt. Management decides she's a stupid poopyhead (59)
(Dorset Echo) Asinine Donut-chomping officials stop baker selling novelty pig cakes as they don't contain pork. Spotted Dick still on sale (55)
London Times Interesting Not news: Global warming is melting the icecaps. News: On Mars (274)
Yahoo Interesting Joey Buttafuoco emerges from prison with a new appreciation of what his last name really meant in the old country, and a slightly different walk (31)
TBO Florida Crackhead with low self-esteem fakes kidnapping. The lofty ransom? $350. Bail has been set at $2500 (14)
CBS Salt Lake City Scary Foiled Saudi attack looked a lot like 9/11 (72)
STLToday Dumbass Pothead describes watching motorcyclist practice flying skills (41)
YouTube Amusing "Dick will make you slap somebody." Not safe for work Language (56)
(Some Guy) Interesting Coolest book art you'll see today (39)
(Stars and Stripes) Unlikely Air Force set to implement widespread ban of tobacco products on all bases. This should end well (107)
(WHAM Rochester) Scary In a move sure to encourage visitors, city feels it would be best if its "downtown guides" were skilled in hand-to-and combat (21)
Chicago Tribune Amusing If you left 700 pounds of cocaine at O'Hare airport on an Aeromex flight from Guadalajara, the Chicago Police Department would like to have a word with you (37)
This Is Local London Sick You wish to promote God of War 2. Do you A) Show off gameplay, B) set up a booth at conventions, or C) decapitate a goat and invite people to eat the entrails? (Not safe for work) (253)
(WRAL) Dumbass Duke cheats (54)
Guardian.com Interesting Expert says it's OK to cry at work. Which is good, since this is what submitter does when he sees his paycheck (38)
Flickr Cool There's cool- and then there's this guy. Rock on, King of the Mullets™ (71)
Yahoo Scary Next time you lose your cell phone, you might have to file for bankruptcy (86)
MDN Weird High school students dress as samurai for life-size game of Japanese chess. Mongo only pawn in game of life (51)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these Atlases (46)
CNN Spiffy Old and Busted: Noah's Ark - New hotness: Johan's Ark, complete with 50-seat film theater and one camel (28)
The Virginian Pilot Dumbass Judges will reschedule cases for attorneys with a legitimate excuse. This attorney found out that a shopping trip is not one of them (9)
(New York Magazine) Obvious Study shows that overpraising children has negative effects. Obvious tag suddenly feels unloved (55)
(Some Guy) Cool The most amazing collection of historical photos you'll ever see (109)

Sat April 28, 2007
CBS Boston Amusing Try explaining this to your underage friends…. "Uh, couldn't steal any booze. A geriatric store clerk chased me down, tackled me and turned me over to police" (27)
(mofunzone) Cool Kill yourself some damn dirty zombies in this 20 level flash game (128)
Fox News Cool Vikings may have used polarized crystals to navigate, find Sarah Connor (85)
Fox News Interesting Ancient manuscript suggests Jesus asked Judas to betray him; planned for Ashton to show up midway to tell the apostles they all got punk'd (295)
Boston Globe Ironic Ambulance driver dies of heart attack. If only...oh, never mind (64)
Billings Gazette Stupid Rules for working at an auto wrecking yard -- be on time, wear the proper uniform, and don't crush a car with a full gas tank (39)
(KPHO-5) Interesting Feds bust "Greenhound"; fake tourbuses smuggled pot and money between Detroit and Tucson (71)
SeattlePI Spiffy Canada moves to protect 107-year-old shipwreck with beer shipment still intact. Those who have tried already advise divers from doing what comes naturally: "It was pretty skunky" (40)
(SomeBeltSander) Photoshop Photosop these industrious gentlemen (70)
Daily Mail Dumbass That's not a tinfoil hat, THIS is a tinfoil hat (182)
PCWorld Cool New project available to the public provides recipes for robot kits made with off the shelf parts and the ability to control bots via Internet. What could possibly go wrong? (44)
WFTV Florida Officials concerned about transgender gators, advocate tolerance, mutual respect (23)
The Tennessean Interesting Christian tattoo shop will not tattoo anything that glorifies sin, such as marijuania leaves, nekid ladies or the worst of them all, peace symbols (269)
The Sun Weird Most of the time, life as a council member is fairly uneventful. But then there are those times when you have to evict a harp-playing transvestite with only one leg (29)
590 KLBJ Hero The ashes of James "Scotty" Doohan to be launched into space today (103)
Philly Amusing Hershey sees no reason to continue using chocolate to make chocolate bars, especially when plenty of Americans will scarf down anything that's make from fat and sugar (173)
Guardian.com Interesting Islamic punk rock is on the rise. Presumably without the sex and drugs. So no fun at all, really (83)
Billings Gazette Stupid Mom blames library for teaching her kid how to sniff nail polish remover. We wait for the day mom finds there are Internets (47)
(Dilbert) Interesting Scott Adams discusses how United Media rejected a recent Dilbert comic strip because it was "too provocative" (with pic of original) (182)
(Doc Brown) Cool Postcards from 1900 speculating what life would be like in the year 2000. While they nailed the escalator and did pretty well on the TV, I'm still waiting for my Weather Dominator (91)
(Some Hockey Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this goalie and levitating linesman (86)
BBC Interesting Unisex lavatories - with blurred glass walls - could help in the battle against school bullies, increase peeping (123)
(Some Guy) Scary Squirrels are dying off from the plague in Denver; on the brighter side they all had enormous testicles (45)
SFGate Spiffy Ever thought to yourself that you could live in just your bathroom, if you had to? This guy took the concept to its logical conclusion (108)
Sun Sentinel Florida Parents in south Florida warned to keep small children away from lakes and canals, as severe drought sends hordes of Everglades alligators on the march (37)
The Sun Amusing European Union politicians want to help fight global warming by helping cows and sheep to stop farting (57)
CBS Sacramento Interesting Teens avoid a DMV law with the new trend of 'Trunking' (with video) (107)
Telegraph Scary We're gonna need a bigger couch (54)
BBC Amusing Sesame Street to be adapted for Northern Ireland. Bert calls the Pope the Anti-Christ whilst Ernie gives support to the IRA (40)
London Times Interesting Life jacket for sale. Marked 'RMS Titanic'. Used once (35)
Yahoo Obvious Bush warns Congress over Iraq timetables, saying he never got past 8x8 himself (204)
(Some Guy) Amusing The best analysis of cat image macros you'll read all day. I can has greenlight? (165)
MDN Weird Not News: Man walks down the street. Still Not News: He has an 18-year-old female college student on his mind. Fark: Literally (47)
Sky News NewsFlash 5.0 earthquake hits southern England. San Francisco Farkers wonder what all the fuss is about (133)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop the submitter's co-worker into some more exciting situations. Difficulty: SFW (105)
(Vernon Broadcaster) Obvious Amish fear government-mandated cattle ID numbers amount to branding 'the mark of the beast' on their livestock. Go ahead and discuss - it's not like the Amish will be flaming the thread or anything (76)
Charlotte Weird Neighborhood is evacuated after cops find rental truck filled with "rotting fish, cow parts, and pig organs" (24)
(Newburgh Register) Interesting Small town in Indiana works hard to keep it's oldest Boner erect (30)
Daily Mail Sappy 29 ugly-ass ducklings are stopping traffic on one of the UK's busiest roads (with pics) (35)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida News: Man turns himself in on DUI manslaughter charge. Fark: he allegedly dragged a motorcyclist to his death after hitting him head on. Florida: while high on aerosol dust remover (34)
The Sun Asinine Court spends £8,000 to prosecute teenager for barking at a dog (38)
Daily Mail Scary Here's what your favorite female celebrities would look like bald (134)
SFGate Scary A young lady of Seville would not think of attending the bullfights at the Maestranza ring without.. OMG WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? (278)
Wave3 Weird Man arrested for distributing fliers with pictures of his naked ex-wives (39)
Fox News Asinine That's "Mr" fluffy von snuggles to you (76)
CBS Baltimore Scary Today's "Student posts hit list on MySpace then comes to school with a knife" brought to you by Anne Arundel, Maryland. Bonus: She was a cheerleader (86)
(Fitchburg Sentinel) Misc State: Your pond isn't up to code. Owner: *pulls drain plug* Do you have a code for mudholes? (59)
CBS New York Asinine Fans are heckling your baseball team. Do you A: Ignore them, B: Have them ejected from the stands, or C: Have the team beat them down with baseball bats (33)

Fri April 27, 2007
Newsday Interesting Neighbors of a church have petitioned a Ohio city, saying screams and sounds of glory and praise coming from the building are a nuisance (104)
STLToday Asinine Charter Communications gives AOL's customer service a run for its money for 'Worst. Customer. Service. Ever.' (108)
TBO Florida Two prison escapees' freedom short-lived after they celebrate by lounging around backyard in their jail uniforms, drinking beers and chatting up neighbors (23)
(Knuttz) Caption Caption this animal standoff (70)
Telegraph Scary Problem: Those pesky Europeasants objected to having the new EU constitution shoved down their throats. Solution: "use different terminology without changing the legal substance" (88)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this metallurgist (63)
(Some Gunslinger) Cool Would you rather see car drivers carrying guns or talking on cell phones? In Arizona, the survey says: guns (134)
(Daily Herald (IL)) Followup Boy arrested for writing 'disturbing' story explains the story (with full text of story) (263)
(Some Valet) Dumbass Drunk parks his truck on the deck on the back of the house. Refused to take the time to pull around back, goes through kitchen instead (w/ pic and mugshot goodness). Vehicle-in-house trifecta now in play (34)
(Some lard-cheeks) Interesting "Ass-face" is now a compliment (60)
CBS New York Interesting Pope Benedict XVI to visit NYC. Terror level raised to white (47)
HelenaIR.com Dumbass Today's "dynamite-stealing thieves leave pay stub behind" story brought to you by Missoula, MT (22)
Local6 Spiffy Cheerleaders who became famous (pics) (118)
SFGate Amusing Woman's car messes with bull, gets horns (18)
(Daily Herald (IL)) Misc 14-year-old boy gets perfect ACT score. "Ahrggh hftty sfdfd aiini," he says, from inside a locker (89)
Reuters Strange Saudi tribe holds camel beauty pageant. Those humps, those humps, those dromedary lumps (46)
(NBC10) Scary ♪♫ He’s a stabby guy from Cambodia ♪♫ He’ll stab you in the back ♪♫ He’s a stabby guy from Cambodia ♪♫ He’ll shank yo ass for craaaaaaack ♪♫ (66)
(Greenville Online) Stupid Playboy playmate and her "trainer" busted after leaving kilo of cocaine in hotel room for maids to find (80)
MSNBC Obvious "Online dating is about game theory, not looks" (127)
Toronto Star Asinine Junior high students collect 12,000 batteries for recycling. City of Toronto says "No thanks, you keep them." (71)
CNN Interesting Earthquake brings sunken ship, Cthulhu to surface in Pacific (70)
(NBC11) Strange Detroit cop faces charges after forcing couples to have sex (79)
CNN Amusing Pittsburgh trying to redefine itself as an art mecca instead of the alcoholic, laid off half-brother of Philly (81)
(KSAT) Amusing When in a Cessna, it's best not to taxi too close to 737's (51)
IndyStar Strange Police officer lifted off the ground by tornado, did not catch the bicycle-riding witch she was chasing (10)
(Run groom, run!!!) Amusing Usually, when a bride ends up in handcuffs on her wedding night, it's for kink rather than marital battery (55)
Reuters Silly Canadian university developing a Shakespeare-themed video game. "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and all your base are belong to us" (89)
Chicago Tribune Scary It's a sad day in the War on the Drugs when the two-year olds are practically giving the coke away for free (41)
(Some Guy) Wheaton Like a lump of lard in a deep-fat fryer, Rosie O'Donnell is rising to the top of the celebrity blog poll. Lets help Wil out (108)
Houston Chronicle Weird Styrofoam-gobbling llama delays Cadillac Ranch photo shoot (29)
Washington Post Scary Bush Administration declares war on Chocolate (173)
Breitbart Interesting English pub wants to beat smoking ban by asking Peru for consulate status. Peru agrees as long as it can extradite the traitor Paddington Bear back to Lima (146)
Reuters Interesting God is green (178)
Yahoo Cool Saudi officials round-up 172 Al-Qaeda No. 2s in lightning raids all over the country (119)
Yahoo PSA U.S. captures another high-ranking al-Qaeda operative whom you've never heard of and will likely never hear about ever again (77)
(WRAL) Scary Woman killed at funeral home. Talk about convenient (44)
Fox News Amusing Any high school graduate looking for a job? Good news. It looks like you're qualified to be the dean of MIT (80)
FARK PSA Cleveland Fark party at Notacon 4 this Saturday, 9:00 p.m. at the hotel bar. Drew will be there (30)
St. Pete Times Cool Hot Venezuelan Milka Duno passes her IRL rookie test (with pic) (197)
MSNBC Interesting Skeletor, Bush's economic advisor, states that economic growth slowed to a near crawl of 1.3 percent (with scary pic) (124)
The Scotsman Strange Croatian footballer given 16 sheep for the 16 goals he has scored this season. No word on whether he's going to open a brothel (26)
CBS Sacramento PSA "My credit card company called me and said, 'Are you in Japan right now buying shoes?' And I said, 'No, I'm in Chicago'" (110)
Denver Channel Followup Remember the story about the Japanese women buying sheep that they thought were dogs? Ewe were conned (42)
IOL Unlikely Cat in China gives birth to four kittens and one puppy (151)
Yahoo Cool New York's governor proposes legalizing gay marriage in state; Yankees clubhouse ecstatic (183)
Houston Chronicle Followup Much like most of the girls submitter knew in college, FDA rejects Arcoxia (57)
Local10 Dumbass Boy breaks leg trying to fly out window, rejected from International League of Little Vampires (48)
CBS Sacramento Cool Female deputy under investigation for sexing up a female inmate. Investigators continue research into the case, including extra copies of "Chained Heat 3" and "Prison Biatches" (34)
(Some Guy) Cool Here's your chance to buy "The General Lee" directly from Bo Duke. Yeeeee-haw (219)
(Some Tfette) Photoshop Photoshop this sassy couple (82)
(PRB) Weird Not news: Person sets up a website begging for money. News: It's for a boob job. Fark: As it turns out, it's for a guy (59)
CBC Amusing Canadian politicians concerned about upcoming "FLICK OFF" campaign: "Clearly it's an ad agency that has a bunch of flickin' amateurs as employees" (59)
(Townhall) Obvious Addiction to online pornography on the rise. Submitter thought that was the point (207)
(Gazettelive.co.uk) Dumbass News: Church organist found dead at his Teesside home Fark: Naked and inside a giant plastic bag (97)
(CBS46) Hero Tennessee Senate passes bill allowing zoos to sell booze (73)
BBC Interesting Five lesbians got married last weekend in Nigeria. Islamic police are looking for them -- but not in the same way you or I would be looking for them (127)
Guardian.com Amusing Russia to Estonia: "Look, just because we repressed you for decades doesn't mean you can just tear down every Soviet war monument we built, you ungrateful bastards" (172)
Starpulse Unlikely Naked, spread-eagle Paris Hilton autopsy sculpture with "removable innards" created to warn teens of the dangers of underage drinking, gang bangs (123)
iWon Amusing Woman teed off by drunken golfers relieving themselves on her property. Decides to videotape them, then gives tapes to TV stations. Hilarity ensues (119)
CBS Philadelphia Dumbass The three Rs have been replaced by XXX in one N.J. town where someone purchased porn on the school district's tab (25)
Fox News Obvious Students use electronic devices to cheat. Fox News is there (110)
(Mr. Muggles) Interesting Doggie love indicated by which direction its tail wags in. Here comes the science (98)
Yahoo Dumbass Your bank mistakenly deposits over $100K in your account. Do you: A) Report the error? B) Donate it to charity? C) Claim finders keepers and blow most of it? (144)
TBO Florida Woman, 72, kicks man in groin, smacks him with shovel. Because when she asks for beer money, she's serious (32)
(MaineToday.com) Scary Woman thrilled to wake up and find a new car waiting for her. Unfortunately, it was in her kitchen (18)
CNN Cool Fark TV on the front page of CNN again. See Top Stories, under "Funny Lunch." It's not news, it's CNN.com (91)
MSNBC Scary MSNBC collects readers' pictures of horrifying hotel rooms (229)
(38pitches.com) Hero Curt Schilling challenges any takers one million dollars to prove that the blood on his sock was fake. One thing is for sure, the blood on Gary Thorne's butt hole from the new ass Curt just ripped him is real (164)
(GamersReports.com) Interesting Ken Kutaragi, CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment, steps down (278)
Reuters Interesting "French said to outpace Americans in French-bashing" (194)
(China Daily) Obvious Chinese carmakers begin production of hybrid electric vehicles. They'll be cheaper, more fuel efficient and meticulously hand crafted by children (138)
BBC Strange Commercial pilots "shook up" after witnessing UFOs. Men in black suits arrive to let them know it was just some average streetlights hovering at 8,000 feet (132)
This Is Local London Sad Ways I wouldn't like my corpse to turn up, No. 357: in a car boot and dressed in rubber fetish gear (98)
(Winnipeg free press) Photoshop Photoshop this picture of a guy, his ball and some children (93)
The Scotsman Weird Twelve finalists selected to compete for Scottish Chef of the Year Award. "Scotland has become a magnet for culinary tourists," says organizer (82)
Stuff Dumbass Not news: 18-year-old gets arrested. News: It was for DUI. Fark news: He was driving a forklift (37)
Seattle Times Spiffy Fifty-year-old time capsule found to contain porn. Grandpa, you got some 'splaining to do (82)
(Some Happy Hour) Followup Atlanta Fark Party. Come celebrate at this impromtu bachelor/bachelorette party. Difficulty: No cheesy bachelorette crap, just beer and good food (51)
Yahoo Sappy Woman, 95, to be oldest college graduate. Soon to be oldest drunk chick flashing her foobies on Old Broads Gone Wild (26)
(Times Dispatch) Sad A mysterious affliction is killing fish in the Shenandoah River. Where is your cod now? (71)
(Some Guy) Florida Thief fails to get away clean after stealing one hundred-fifty pounds of Tide laundry detergent, despite police scrubbing out each others' cars (17)
The Sun Amusing Viagra seized from inmates in prison raid. Hardened criminals, indeed (35)
(Some Guy) Interesting Scientists discover old Aristotle text written in lemon juice on old parchment after heating it over the fire, or something like that (49)
The Sun Strange Prisoner robbed bank 18 days after his release from prison because he wanted to go back. Mission accomplished (32)
Cleveland Amusing Mad at the conservatives trying to shut down his business, strip-club owner buys out their lunch (56)
(Some Guy) Asinine Canadian man who experimented with LSD back in the day is denied entry to the US at the border. Difficulty: he's a psychotherapist who was conducting legitimate research at the time. Oh save us, War On Drugs (179)
The Sun Cool Biologist says first-date sex increases chance of long-term relationship. Listen up ladies, this guy's really smart (194)
News.com.au Cool When global warming turns your backyard into a giant lake, at least the fishing will be good (35)
(Some Guy) Amusing Man puts "Fark the Tram" sign on roof because riders can see into his yard (with pic) (75)
The Sun Stupid Male stripper wears police uniform to work. Two female cops not impressed (34)
UPI Strange Tahoe National Forest may lock toilets and bathroom doors. Does a bear shiat in the woods? (24)
(Charleston Daily Mail) Sappy So this squirrel walks into a barber shop (42)
(Green D) Cool Dallas-Fort Worth Cinco de Mayo get together next Saturday in Euless. LGT gathering place (63)
(WLBT) Amusing Not news: Dog bites man. News: Man bites dog. Fark: Monkey bites IRS agent (43)
(This Is Pembrokeshire) Dumbass Hey baby, I need you to put some medical cream on my penis. Oh, and I need to rub it around inside of you. Okay? Cool (177)
(Herald) Spiffy Car with five horsepower and cruising speeds up to 20 mph expected to bring $160,000 at auction, but then it's 106 years old (47)
Charlotte Sappy Seventy-year-old man goes to his first prom, tells those crazy kids to quit dancing on his lawn (26)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Liven up these three storefronts (76)

Thu April 26, 2007
Reuters Weird Latest live webcam star: A large maturing cheddar cheese. Please, no puns, I camembert it (83)
Daily Mail Unlikely Girls aged 11-13 are drinking over a bottle of wine a week. Giggity giggity (96)
590 KLBJ Dumbass Man lets woman into his motel room to take a shower. Woman leaves with his keys and his truck. So it's like a normal relationship, only a lot faster (55)
(Some Guy) Amusing Ninjas, pirates, vikings and lumberjacks all competing for dominance in college politics (57)
(City TV) Sad If you take a stand against your high school bullies, they'll gain a new found respect for you and leave you alone. Or maybe they'll burn your family's house down. It can go either way, really (85)
The Smoking Gun Asinine Woman claims teaching career was derailed by "drunken pirate" MySpace photo. And now she's suing (111)
(Bing) Amusing 50 bullshiat jobs (85)
Reuters Cool Pearl necklace sells for $7.1 million. Hot Karl gets no bidders (49)
Yahoo Interesting Police in Chicago bust up a fake ID ring and arrest 22 people. Among those arrested: Hugh Jass, Mike Hunt, Dick Hirtz, I.P. Freely, and Amanda Huggenkiss (103)
MSNBC Followup Hawking returns safely from zero-g flight on what he refers to as the "Hawking-plane" (97)
(delawareonline) Dumbass If you're going to steal a car, make sure it will make it fully across the state line before it breaks down. With mugshot goodness (25)
Boston Globe Dumbass A store clerk asks to see your license, do you (a) show it to them, (b) go home to get it, or (c) freak out and throw a curling iron at the them? Before you answer, remember: you're on the Massachusetts Governor's Council (44)
(wltx.com) Dumbass The hottest college homemade bomber you'll see today (68)
Chicago Tribune Scary Chicago teen arrested over an essay. Police insist they can arrest someone if his writing "disturbs" someone else. In related news, death warrant issued for Stephen King (168)
Yahoo Amusing Chinese seek investment for all-woman village where women are dominant and men are punished for disobedience. "Marriage" being floated as name for village (32)
WTOP Sick Math teacher shocks busload of kids by displaying the member of his set, demonstrating angle of rotation; will probably end up in prism (47)
MSNBC Interesting Al-Qaida No. 2 in Algeria killed. Really though, who does No. 2 work for? (70)
Globe and Mail Ironic Union that has gone on strike 7 times in the last 10 years isn't quite ready when its own administrative workers go on strike (65)
Sun Sentinel Florida When beating on a tree with a metal pole to knock out some mangos, ensure no power lines are overhead (21)
Yahoo Interesting Profile of one of America's last typewriter repairmen. Typewriter? Apparently, it's some sort of manual keyboard/printer/display combo thingie (70)
(kgw.com) Weird Fleeing naked man in heels blamed for lockdown (31)
(Statesman.com) Dumbass Man who kidnapped, bound, and raped his estranged wife because she was his "property" is about to spend the next 20 years developing a deep-seated sense of irony (66)
News.com.au Strange Two companies and two almond plantation workers charged over killing more than 40 rare parrots after it was determined that they weren't just resting (29)
Yahoo Dumbass Not news: Cops botch a drug raid. News: Raid on 92 year old woman, who shot at them before being killed. Fark: Cops fired 39 shots, hit the woman 6 times, and shot themselves a few times for good measure (145)
MSNBC NewsFlash Film industry lobbyist Jack Valenti has died; given a PG-13 rating (175)
USA Today PSA Official Democratic Debate discussion thread. Drink every time an unknown tries to grab some limelight (660)
(Some GIS) Photoshop I don't know what kind of toy this is, but you should photoshop it (100)
Fox News Stupid Shrek blasted for dietary hypocrisy (98)
Wall Street Journal Obvious Bush approval rating at 28 percent. How low can you go? (468)
(ksdk) Dumbass Today's "moron busted for child porn" story brought to you by St. Louis. Fark bonus: He was found in the airport chapel (58)
LA Times Followup Scientists would like you to forget about the cellphones, sunspots and pesticides -- this time they're sure they've figured out what's killing the bees (116)
(Christian Newswire) Unlikely Kirk Cameron will disprove evolution and his Christian TV show co-host will present "undeniable scientific proof that God exists" (1101)
Fox News Cool Jobless claims drop sharply, though most were contained in White House emails (49)
Reuters Cool Trans-Siberian railway now has coaches with ensuite bathrooms, power showers, underfloor heating and plasma screen TVs (46)
FARK PSA Fark redesign notes and updates from Drew (1694)
(Some Guy) PSA For those interested, a short blurb on Fark copyright language and whatnot (193)
FARK Plug Fark TV: Fisherman sells cocaine-drenched fish for $1000 each (43)
Yahoo Asinine So, Congress was all like, We have questions? and then Condi went, I already answered them? and then they went, Nuh-uh we're going to subpoena you? and she was all like, Oh no you din't, biatch, ain't respectin' you no more (205)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If you must buy your cheese from a door to door salesman, it's best to avoid the Fromunda (43)
CNN Scary Gas may hit $4/gallon this summer. Suck it SUVs... and almost the entire U.S. population. No word on how long the news media will continue to recycle this story (303)
(Some Guy) PSA If you must shrink-wrap your employees, do not set them on fire (29)
MSNBC Florida Woman udderly shocked when asked to leave restaurant for breast feeding (459)
Baltimore Sun Unlikely Author tells student he would give her an autograph if she climbed on a table and took off her clothes; says statement was taken out of context (162)
Philly Interesting Comcast welcomes 1.76 million new "revenue generating units" into its collective monopoly, then raises everyone's rates. Good times (157)
Washington Post Asinine In Washington, D.C., $65 million will pay for: A) A huge section of Georgetown. B) The salaries of every player on the Washington Nationals. Or C) A pair of pants lost by the dry cleaners (136)
Sports by Brooks Interesting Los Angeles Times sportswriter announces he is transsexual and will change his name to Christine. Seriously (169)
(charleston gazette) Dumbass If you're going into a mine to steal copper, make sure you can find your way out. The rescue crews probably won't help you carry your loot (43)
The Scotsman Amusing Indian court has ordered Richard Gere's arrest for kissing Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS campaign event (163)
Fox News Amusing Actual headline: How much abuse can Katie Couric take? Unfortunately, it's not the title of a new pr0n flick, just the MSM fellating itself (78)
Examiner Unlikely Woman who stole lawyer's identity to sneak into prison to have sex pleads guilty, sort of. “There was never any sexual intercourse. There was no thrusting whatsoever” (57)
Yahoo Asinine The ex-commander of the U.S. military prison in Baghdad has been arrested. Was it for: A) Allowing mistreatment/torture of detainees? Or B) Boning a local and having naked pictures of her on his cellphone? (161)
(charleston gazette) Asinine A student bent over at the waist with the pelvis of another individual pressed against his or her buttocks while holding the bent-over student’s waist or hips is prohibited at all times where dancing is permitted (181)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these prisoners playing cards (102)
(Sheboygan Press) Dumbass Man with dementia attacks dog with mallet. What the dog was doing with a mallet we'll never know (46)
(Nine News) Amusing "The scam was uncovered when Japanese movie star Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food. She was crestfallen when told it was a sheep" (148)
(Some Guy) Interesting Prince Harry will quit the army if they don't let him kill the bad guys. Thousands of U.S. soldiers now claim to be royalty (116)
BBC Interesting Stephen Hawking set to experience zero gravity in a special airplane. His plan during flight is to to sit still and not move a muscle (87)
(Some Plaintiff) Dumbass Man sues railway after his truck is hit by a train. If only they'd keep these trains on some sort of tracked system, he might have known where to look (69)
FARK PSA Drew will be on the "Bob & Tom Show: this morning. Also: Indy Fark party tonight 8:00 p.m. Crackers Broad Ripple (207)
Yahoo Dumbass Imaginary narcotics officers chase druggy up a tree, forcing him to call not-so-imaginary officers for rescue (30)
BBC Spiffy What the world really needs: Boots that let you hang upside-down on subway trains (43)
London Times Sick New horror movie shows grandmothers drugging and abusing kids in Satanic sex ritual. Wait, that's no movie (140)
Denver Post Obvious Washington fire commissioner charged with assaulting fellow fire commissioner with the classic coffee-mug-on-the-head wrestling move. Won't someone stop this commissioner-on-commissioner violence? (37)
(Pittsburgh Live) Spiffy Pittsburgh is ranked the most livable city, again. "And we did it by being average" (142)
(nbc10) Amusing Bush raises awareness for malaria, proves just how white he is in dance with African troupe (with video) (100)
(Some Guy) Cool Zimbabwe man makes snake magically appear in police station to escape arrest (25)
Boston Globe Amusing Taking a tractor to prom? In ND, it's a classy thing to do (58)
Daily Mail Ironic Councillor who criticized shipwreck looters is accused of looting shipwreck (14)
News.com.au Sappy Free hugs guy inspires Japanese to hug (53)
Yahoo Amusing Toilet on the head.... honestly, who hasn't been there? (28)
News.com.au Amusing Latest country to not let Snoop Dogg enter is Australia... izzle (80)
FARK Cool Final call: Redneck Fark party, Asheville, this Saturday. DIT (40)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this rutabaga, mmmmkay? (90)
(WSB TV) Dumbass Georgia woman pulls a Jennifer Wilbanks by reappearring a week after police start searching for her. Now may be charged with the cost of the police search (64)
Telegraph Weird Actual headline: "My teenage boyfriend cheated on me with teacher, says mother of three" (67)
CNN Obvious Egyptian doctor says Muslims need to get laid (82)
(unco.edu) Amusing The following people are banned from the University of Northern Colorado's campus because, well, just because. (With pics ) (230)
FARK Followup Continue redesign discussion here; read first post first though (2322)
590 KLBJ Dumbass You're annoyed about two guys playing "dorm golf" in your dorm. Do you: A) Contact the RA? B) Contact campus police? C) Pull out a pair of nunchuks and start whaling on them? (101)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 103: "In a Mood." Difficulty: No animals, no self-portraits in mirrors. LGT next week's theme. Read first post (181)

Wed April 25, 2007
AJC Cool Have you ever wanted to give blood and get a free puppy? Well now you can (46)
Daily Mail Obvious Busy couples only have ten minutes a day to talk. Men ask, "This is a problem?" (38)
Yahoo Interesting Potency of marijuana continues to increase every year (154)
(NBC13) Asinine Tuscaloosa, Alabama schools release their new sex-ed curriculum: a seven minute DVD that tells fifth graders not to do drugs, drink or have sex. This should end well (87)
News.com.au Amusing Little girl receives condom in Happy Meal, that's not what she meant by "hold the pickle" (83)
MSNBC Amusing Student to graduate college in shorter period than it takes most students to sober up from orientation week (125)
FARK PSA Fark site redesign is now live. Hope nothing breaks, we're all out drinking (3798)
Newsday Ironic World renowned cat expert killed when his motorcycle swerves off the road and crashes. Since you're reading this on Fark, you probably already know what he was swerving to avoid (103)
(Daily Herald (IL)) Florida Double-duty for Florida tag: Florida man arrested for illegally performing dental work in his filthy garage, which means there were Floridians who thought it a good idea to get dental work there (43)
(Some Guy) Florida Horizon Academy at Marion Oaks school board refuses to change the school's name despite the worries by some parents that it's offensive to homophobes that can't spell (61)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these gentlemen and their racing car (82)
(Some Hillbilly) Dumbass Montana House Majority Leader calls Governor an "S.O.B.", tells him to "go to Hell", and instructs him to "stick it up his ass". All in a days work at the Hillbilly House of Representatives (56)
(WGAL) Amusing Today's deer caught on surveillance camera rampaging through nursing home brought to you by New Oxford, Pa (20)
Yahoo Interesting Lightning blamed for fire at church. No one apparently wants to blame the wrath of an angry God (44)
BBC Obvious I'm shocked, shocked, to find that 70% of teen mobile phone data contains pron... in Saudi (43)
Deadspin Dumbass Hey, Mr. James Filiaggi, any last words before the state of Ohio puts you to death for killing your wife? "When the Browns are in the Super Bowl in the next five years, you'll know I'm up there doing my magic." (57)
(Some Guy) Interesting The Lord is my shepherd...I shall have low bail (18)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Chuck Norris blames, "our graphic slasher media" as a reason for the VT massacre. On a side note: submitter just bought “Missing in Action,” “The Hitman,” and “Forced Vengeance” off eBay (103)
(Times Argus) Followup Bush and Cheney impeachment resolution rejected by the House of Comrades of the People's Republic of Vermont (84)
(Some Guy) Followup Court rules that Texas A&M officials cannot be held responsible for deaths of students in bonfire collapse. In other news, A&M announces that students will once again be able to erect dangerous structures with no oversight (72)
Denver Channel Dumbass If you lose a pot pipe on your schoolbus, it's probably best to just write it off (27)
NYPost Amusing CNN anchor Anderson Cooper showers in his boxer briefs at the gym so no one can photograph his very heterosexual weener (78)
Yahoo Interesting Taliban official says February bombing at Bagram was targeted at Cheney. Despite the fact that Cheney is still alive, he calls the mission a success. Talk about setting a low bar for yourself (61)
(TPM) Stupid News: NY Post writes hit piece on Democrats and Harry Reid. Not News: Labels article as AP story, which later AP subsequently denies. Fark: Article author also says it looks nothing like the piece he wrote (84)
Seattle Times Amusing Seattle Mayor cancels press conference to highlight major improvements to city roads because of a major water main break caused by the road construction crew (43)
Breitbart Spiffy Top British scientists solve the mystery of why the head on a pint of regular beer disappears but the head on a pint of Guinness stays. In other news, still no cure for cancer (114)
The Virginian Pilot Misc University of Virginia expresses regret for use of slaves. Uh....thanks? (153)
Snopes Followup Woman from this morning's thread that blamed global warming on daylight savings time turns out to be a lawyer. Followup tag beats scary by about an hour (77)
(AMNews) PSA Why won't the damn traffic light change? (131)
Denver Post Stupid 'Look who's smoking and flipping off the camera while naked, too' pictures approved by authorities (63)
(Honolulu Advertiser) Dumbass New Age tourists leaving offerings to the goddess Pele on the rim of Halema'uma'u Crater are annoying the hell out of native Hawaiians and killing the island's wildlife (122)
(WESH 2) Florida When robbing store with AK-47, don't leave behind receipt for the rifle (100)
The Scotsman Misc Real Headline: TV ads boost eating of obese children by 130%. What kind of soulless bastard eats obese children? (194)
(Buffalo News) Stupid If you work for Homeland Security, you probably shouldn't be helping illegal aliens to find jobs as massage parlor prostitutes in your spare time (54)
The Smoking Gun Followup Man dresses as Capt. America, stuffs burrito down his pants, gropes women. The Smoking Gun is there (104)
Yahoo Followup House: Miss Monica Goodling, what did you know about the firing of the eight attorneys. Monica Goodling: I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination. House: You've got immunity, please get ready to sing (570)
(Some Guy) Stupid Charleston SC charity poker tounament may be cancelled because it's illegal to play any game using cards or dice in South Carolina (exept Backgammon, and Whist) (70)
The Daily Show Amusing Jon Stewart singlehandedly ends McCain's presidential chances (684)
USA Today Obvious Network executives --who apparently don't actually watch TV-- are stumped as to why ratings are down this month (186)
MSNBC Interesting Pirate attacks down sharply so far this year. Ninja attacks difficult to gauge, since ya know, they are ninjas (60)
(Shreveport Times) Interesting Today on Double-Take Theater: Shreveport, Louisiana mayor, who is black, dismisses requests by two black activists to withdraw a proclamation that recognizes April as "Confederate Heritage Month" (175)
(Centre Daily Times) Dumbass Man charged with DUI on way to DUI court hearing (46)
(Charleston Gazette) PSA If you plan to beat someone with a pool cue, try to make sure it's the right person (46)
11 Alive Interesting In a display of undeniable class, woman keeps her pet goat inside her minivan. Goat unavailable for comment, roller-coaster ride (58)
Yahoo Hero Submitter embraces Democratic Party on news that they want to make online gambling legal again (251)
CBS 2 Lost Angeles Followup Opening statements to begin in Phil Spector case... oooh but what will his HAIR look like this time? (27)
(green pants) Photoshop Photoshop this five-year-old raver (86)
News.com.au Hero Four-year-old calls emergency number, tells them his name, address and phone number and to get the hell there quickly. Mother lives. Hero tag swells with pride (104)
Fox News Scary Remember that tainted pet food? It's also been used as livestock feed, which means it's in our food supply now. EVERYBODY PANIC (109)
CNN Plug Fark TV has made the CNN main page. It's not CNN, it's Fark TV (81)
Yahoo Ironic Three-in-four Americans say they like leaders who are willing to compromise. Two-thirds also say they like politicians who stick to their positions. Irony tag asplodes (72)
(Some Guy) Florida Harry Potter Land coming to Florida. Confused Lord Voldemort spotted circling area in left lane with blinker on (73)
CBS Salt Lake City Stupid Man blows his house to bits in failed suicide attempt… however he did succeed in earning the day's best mug shot, sporting singed eyebrows and beard (47)
(Some Guy) Dumbass University of Virginia student thinks it would be a bright idea to shoot a video on campus where he brandishes a replica gun. The police disagree (41)
The Register Obvious It was only a matter of time before Jesus Christ showed up on Google Earth. No word on when he'll be back, though (183)
iWon Cool Legendary metal band Spinal Tap to reform, perform at Wembley Stadium as part of Live Earth concerts. No word on who the drummer will be (85)
Yahoo Interesting New study finds children who believe in God, Santa behave better then children who don't. Subgroup 'Beaten' still win however (169)
(Some Guy) Followup "Tornado Kills 6 In TX" - Officials hope the worst is over, but are remaining vigilant for any signs of a Cosmic Goat (19)
(Some Guy) Silly Anti-GM potato protestors sabotage wrong field, even though farmer politely points out to them that the field is full of beans (105)
CBS 2 Lost Angeles Amusing Facing a pole and rack shortage, Santa Monica now offers valet service for your bicycle. Sucker signs cost extra (42)
(Hot Air) Interesting Rosie O'Donnell to announce today she's leaving "The View." There goes 20 percent of Fark's "Dumbass" tag greenlights (195)
(NY Daily News) Obvious NYC Mayor Bloomberg's plan to go green gets Gored after the press discovers the city leaves their office lights on when nobody is home (55)
(Oregonian) Asinine Include some white powder in your complaint letter and the media will be sure to let you know it arrived safely (10)
Denver Channel Sick Today's "house filled with foot-deep feces" comes to us from Niwot, CO. Bonus: Woman hoards horses (37)
(ESA) Survey If you think you can come up with the ideal playlist to frustrate astronauts in the ISS, ESA wants to hear from you (voting enabled) (188)
(dowjones.com) Cool Dow Jones topples 13000 mark on news that Rosie O'Donnell is leaving "The View" (242)
Yahoo Obvious Lawyers for corrupt defense contractor ask for his indictments to be dismissed, saying he was unfairly indicted by a US attorney desperate to keep her job (28)
AFP Obvious Scientist's have concluded that intelligence is not linked to wealth. Neither is penis size, acting ability, good manners, or ability to give a damn (177)
Yahoo Hero New Jersey court rules there is no public policy reason against rehiring a toll-taker who fired a paintball gun at a vehicle. Hero tag because we've all wanted to do it (62)
(Some Guy) Followup Indiana officials investigating Tuesday's riot state recent inmate increase, privilege cutbacks as causes; inmates blame yesterday's FARK thread failing to support the Natalie Portman clam slam theory (81)
MSNBC Strange Miss America would love to IM with you, so long as you're a pedo looking to star on the next episode of Dateline (130)
Yahoo Amusing This is why men don't lift the seat, they're dangerous (40)
(Some Golgafrinchamian) Spiffy Earth-like planet may be able to support life; expedition to be sent in giant rocket containing hairdressers, architects, telephone sanitation operatives (172)
(The Union) Scary "At 11:11 a.m., a caller from the 23000 block of St. Helena Drive reported that during the night someone had dumped a large amount of blood on her fence line and tied a dead turkey there." And so it begins (41)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man severely burned after using a vacuum to remove gasoline from his car (57)
Aftenposten.no Amusing Good idea: Appeal your jail term. Bad result: Court finds your original sentence too lenient (27)
Wired Spiffy The first half of the month-long celebration of Star Wars' 30th anniversary begins today. The second half will begin a couple of decades later in spectacularly disappointing fashion (86)
LA Times Interesting USC students wrestle gun away from threatening fellow student. CNN, Fox, etc. sad over missed opportunity for saturation coverage of grieving but undeniably hot USC coeds (170)
Reuters PSA Rattlesnake meat capsules may be tainted with salmonella. So, uh... avoid rattlesnake meat capsules (34)
Contra Costa Times Amusing Old and busted: Hot female teachers busted for sleeping with their students. New and uncool: Hot female teachers busted for attempting to seduce their students via IM. With pic goodness (99)
Charlotte PSA Acceptable: Applying for CCW at police station. Not acceptable: Filling the building with your marijuana stank. Farktastic: Bringing bags of weed, joints and rolling papers along for the ride (48)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this MAC250 wash light (66)
Local6 Florida Apparently, Florida's state senate has nothing better to do than think about naughty, naughty schoolgirls who wear their pants so low that you can see their thongs, and how they must be punished (132)
ABC News Dumbass Asked to describe her client -- the VA Tech shooter -- in three words, local stripper responds with "dorky," "timid" and a "little pushy" (117)
Local6 Florida Not news: Student and teacher have sex. Fark: In a van. Florida: At church (72)
Daily Mail Stupid Asshats are paying £400 for shopping bag that costs £5 (with pic) (61)
Philly Interesting Car dealer who swindled Nicolas Cage gets five-year jail term, yet Cage still has yet to face justice for taking submitter's $8 with "Wicker Man" (62)
Herald-Leader Dumbass Car thief arrested after police matched his DNA to the half-eaten cinnamon bun he left in the car (34)
The Sun Amusing Four Queen's Guards get drunk, film themselves spanking each other while naked. The Sun is there. With a link to the video (article not safe for work) (66)
JSOnline Ironic Wisconsin DMV spends $18 million to upgrade its computer system to eliminate the three-week delay in mailing out new license plates. After the upgrade, the wait is now seven weeks (63)
Stuff Silly Now your pet can browse fake online profiles looking for a date (27)
News.com.au Amusing A worker at a boat-building firm caught trying to steal a luxury yacht, one piece at a time over a period of seven years (42)
(Some Guy) Interesting Kids in China are so ashamed of their parents, they hire stand-ins for school functions (51)
News.com.au Sick Your 81-year-old grandmother won't cook you lunch? That's a stabbing (33)
(Some Guy) Cool Scientists discover a planet just like Earth. Only with a red sun and twice Earth's gravity, so all you wanna-be superheroes better get a move on (131)
Stuff Dumbass Woman bites smoker for smoking in designated smoking area (100)
(EphBlog) Ironic Girl protests Holocaust Remembrance Day by putting up posters commemorating Hitler's birthday on other students' doors, then claims she's the victim of PC Nazis when they're taken down (195)
(ksdk.com) Weird My ass smells like shiat (with pic) (92)
IndyStar Obvious Doing as Christ surely would have done, Christian vandals deface gay rights billboard (314)
(Some Guy) Interesting Coolest pictures you will see all day: Deep-sea animals (82)
Guardian.com Florida Camel sits on, kills woman. Can't make this stuff up, folks (35)
Abc.net.au Silly Pregnant cow runs amok across German city (17)
FARK Spiffy Post a random image thread (not safe for dialup) (568)
This Is Local London Scary One of these test questions is given to high-school students in China. The other is given to college students in England. Let's see which is which (382)

Tue April 24, 2007
eBay Amusing Kitty Kastle: Cardboard Kitty Cat House... WTF? (64)
CBS News Sad Remember the guy who won $1 million in the lottery, but didn't get it because he had cancer? Well, the NY state lottery office would like you to forget about him (60)
USA Today Asinine First, it was helicopter parents were doing their kid's school work. Now, helicopter parents are doing their kid's job search. Coming soon, helicopter parents doing their kid's job for them (82)
CBC Sad Just in time to completely ruin your summer fun: Research shows BBQs are poisoning you (155)
Telegraph Interesting The average person will eat 10,000 chocolate bars, shed 121 pints of tears and have sex more than 4,200 times... not necessarily in that order (165)
(Buffalo News) Amusing It's not a good sign for your team when your own mayor refuses to take the traditional "friendly wager" with the opposing city's mayor (45)
(Some Smart Guy) Weeners Man offers to cook and mail you a hotdog for a dollar (95)
(Some Guy) Hero VA Tech tells the media to STFU and go home (134)
Telegraph Interesting Bad news for Coors and Budweiser (207)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this creepy hallway (119)
(Connecticut Post) Followup Yale ban on stage weapons rescinded. "Now to 'scape the critic's tongue / We will make amends ere very long / Take back your swords, let us be friends/ The dipshiat hath made her amends" (73)
SFGate Interesting Fire on the set of Batman. Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb (126)
Reuters Scary If Wal-Mart's steady assimilation of every aspect of American consumerism makes you sick, not to worry -- you'll soon be able to go to Wal-Mart medical clinics (191)
ABC News Stupid ABC News digs deep into another important issue: Is your husband gay? (341)
CNN Obvious Ken Griffey Jr.'s injury for April 2007 is...spins wheel...an inflamed pooper (80)
SFGate Cool "America's Birth Certificate", or the first map showing the North American landmass as "America", turns 500 (67)
DFW Dumbass Tonight on Redneck Mythbusters: How many men can ride a flying sheet of plywood out of the back of a truck and live? (91)
CBS Salt Lake City Video You know you're a redneck when the fairway hazards at your favorite golf course include toilets (28)
Reuters Followup U.S. intelligence sees zombie Castro's health rebounding. News leaked of a planned grudge match against zombie Reagan dubbed Thriller. Michael Jackson not amused (53)
(WSA Today) Stupid American Eagle Outfitters sues Payless Shoes for copying their trademark name and style. Oh, wait. Did I say American Eagle? I mean Hollister. No, I mean Abercrombie and Fitch. No, American Eagle (263)
Yahoo Hero Army Pfc. Jessica Lynch on the Pat Tillman cover-up: "The bottom line is the American people are capable of determining their own ideals of heroes and they don't need to be told elaborate tales." (473)
MSNBC NewsFlash Poop Chute Riot going on right now in the New Castle Indiana prison (196)
LA Times Interesting George McGovern: "I expect to see Cheney and Bush forced to resign their offices before 2008 is over." But the real story here is that George McGovern is still alive (307)
The Virginian Pilot Dumbass Drill Sergeant, I'm not entirely comfortable reenacting this torture scene from a pornographic movie (52)
Reuters Amusing "Spider-man 3" already available on DVD in China. In related news, Chinese movie pirates should be put in charge of everything requiring efficiency and promptness (152)
(WTNH CT) Dumbass If you're going to steal a car from a dealer lot and try to trade it in for something larger, you probably shouldn't to go back to the same dealership with their plates still on the car (37)
Sports by Brooks Dumbass New York Mets outfielder's Myspace page expresses his male stripper-like sense of style, enthusiasm for webcam girls (43)
Yahoo Cool DOW about to hit 13,000 on news that Natalie Portman may be a lesbian (255)
(Patriot Ledger) PSA Girls' prom styles are "feminine" and "glamorous" this year, which is female-speak for not showing a lot of skin (180)
(Some Scientific Geek) Photoshop Photoshop Wimshurst's electrostatic induction machine (78)
ABC News Followup To the surprise of absolutely no one, Crow's toilet paper comment was a joke taken out of context. Rove still mad about her giving him the cooties, however (202)
(Some Guy) Unlikely Madonna "forgets" to give visitation rights to her baby's daddy in Malawi (62)
BBC Interesting Inspired by yesterday's metal-detecting article, man finds hoard of Bronze Age loot (53)
CBS Miami Florida Tampa man, arrested for butchering alligator on his front lawn, explains to police he just wanted a new belt (45)
SFGate Unlikely Kim Basinger absolutely did not leak the tirade by Alec Baldwin against his little piggy daughter. However, she would like to thank that person (330)
CBC Interesting There are 93 million Wangs in the world. World's most powerful country still run by two Dicks (63)
(WNBC.com) Stupid Post-Imus dismissal, New York radio hosts think it's a good time to do a racially charged prank on the air. What could possibly go wrong? (266)
Breitbart Scary For every gallon of gas that you don't burn, four Chinese are burning a gallon of coal. Er, or something like that (97)
BBC Hero Centenarian wins $50,000 bet from bookmakers by living to 100. His secret for a long life? "Remember to keep breathing" (46)
Yahoo Cool Baghdad University students express sympathy, solidarity with the survivors of the Virginia Tech massacre -- or as they call it, "just like nearly every day of our lives" (76)
AFP Interesting Apparently, being breast fed does not help prevent obesity. It does, however, give AFP editors a chance to use a titillating photo with the article (91)
(Some Guy) Amusing Drunk man rides horse into bank, horse makes deposit (w/ pictorial goodness) (60)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Fast-food robber caught. Expected to plead "robble robble robble" (47)
NJ.com Strange News: Army recruiter breaks into a home. Fark: Naked, to browse p0rn (59)
Fox News Unlikely Taiwan announces they could beat China at war. No doubt alcohol was involved in this announcement (120)
FARK PSA Pop-up Fark Party Indianapolis this Thursday at Cracker's Broad Ripple at 8:30 p.m. Drew will be there. Also, Fark TV's Dan Mengini is the opening act (61)
Yahoo Unlikely Home sales plummet because of -- *shakes Magic 8-Ball* -- weather (271)
(Some Guy) Amusing Confused director: "In America the film was passed uncut and rated R, the website was banned. In Malaysia the film is banned but the website's okay. In France the film is rated 12 and the website is considered juvenile" (92)
Yahoo Obvious Consumer confidence crumbled in April as rising gasoline prices undermined how Americans feel about the prospects for economic growth, explains leading economist N.S. Sherlock (79)
Philly Amusing Drawing stick figures in school is still OK, unless one of the stick figures is holding a gun, in which case you call in the FBI and any nearby National Guard units (206)
Yahoo Followup Congressional staffer pleads guilty to Abramoff bribe charges. Since that's the 10th conviction in the scandal, prosecutors get a free misdemeanor conviction and small coffee on their next court appearance (106)
Guardian.com Amusing For the past 14 months, the most popular story on the BBC News website has been "Man forced to marry goat." It's not news, it's the BBC (37)
(Some Guy) Scary If you broke into the Memphis SWAT team's parked van, the police would like to speak with you. Also, please bring back the machine guns (182)
Philly Hero In America, our presidents drink away their presidency before they become president, then go to rehab and come out ready to govern horribly for eight years. Unlike those Russians (71)
Homestar Runner Sappy Let's blow this marshmallow stand (81)
BBC Interesting Toyota takes GM's title of world's largest car maker (496)
ABC 4 Amusing Rain nor sleet nor snow will stop the U.S. Postal Service -- but an unrestrained dog will. Dog owner comments: “It's the mail carrier, he's just a sissy" (266)
Local6 Florida "I choose not to vote" may soon be on Florida ballots (174)
(dogsinduds.com) Photoshop Photoshop this scary dog (114)
(9News) Amusing Man is jailed after ramming his house with a truck because his wife won't bring him a cigarette (47)
(Rocky Mountain News) Spiffy Judge, 57, and prosecutor, 29, have sex in his chambers, women's showers. You submitted this with a debriefing joke (82)
JSOnline Cool Headaches are good for the brain (82)
(Some Guy) Weird Two lesbians leave a bar and find a dead goose in their car. Then things really go downhill (79)
AP Spiffy Polish immigrant runs entire 120 mile length of Long Island to raise awareness for breast cancer walk. After viewing map she decides to run the entire width next year (22)
CBC Scary 81-year old man charged in excruciatingly slow beating death of his 77-year-old roomate for changing the channel while they were watching Matlock together (22)
Local6 Florida Statue crying black tears to be investigated by Orlando Catholic Diocese (with pics) (92)
MDN Weird Political party in north India campaigns for rights of zombies. Mmmmmm curried braaains (20)
(KCCI) Sad Woman Kums and Goes (50)
UPI Unlikely Possible alien stone found near Seattle, not to be confused with stoned illegal alien found near Seattle (51)
News.com.au Ironic Mountaineering legend Sir Edmund Hillary hospitalised after slip & fall at home (55)
News.com.au Sick Teenage girls kill friend because they woke up one day and decided they wanted to know what it felt like to commit murder (249)
Daily Mail Strange Man gets into metal ball, rolls into tiger exhibit to bring attention to mental illness. Mission accomplished (28)
AP Spiffy Businessman makes pet coffins. Your dog wants a satin lining (41)
Reuters Silly London attempts to break world record for playing music with their nuts (25)
Stuff Interesting Research finds that some prisoners executed by lethal injection in the United States may die of suffocation while they are still conscious and in pain. Today wasn't a good day for death penalty advocates (366)
Canoe Strange For $65 the City of Edmonton will send someone to take pictures your mom's grave for you, you lazy bum (34)
WFTV Florida Woman gets letter saying she's dead, loses insurance (52)
(Naples Daily News) Florida Jealous of hot teachers/student sex getting all the media attention, local troll shakes her fun-bags at 5 yr old. (With pic goodness) (142)

Mon April 23, 2007
Yahoo Dumbass Man crashes car into house, comes back later, bleeding and in boxer shorts, to fetch shoe he left in car after fleeing the scene (29)
(shorpy) Photoshop Photoshop this guy holding his long, thick, hard, black missile (77)
Yahoo Cool Scientists discover real kryptonite on Earth, Superman keeps well away from London (65)
(YourHub.com) Dumbass Honor student serves community. Community, in form of drunk neighbor, serves cap in ass (44)
Telegraph Strange Former Hitler Youth HQ in Berlin to become swanky club for wealthy. Ask about their "Lebensraum" escorted tours of Poland, or the popular "France and the Low Countries in 12 Days" package (49)
(Some Guy) Amusing Some totally wrong predictions from the past (173)
Fox News Obvious Ray Nagin apologizes for inflammatory remarks. No, the other ones. No, not those ones either. Try the ones that were true (99)
CNN Hero Eleven-year-old girl stops speeding van, saving mom and eight-year-old brother after mom goes into diabetic coma (40)
Fox News Unlikely Ahmadinejad offers to have talks with Bush. Translation: Our nuclear program has hit a huge snag (101)
Wired Interesting How the CIA used a fake sci-fi flick to rescue Americans from Tehran (95)
MSNBC Interesting Consumer-electronics chain stores are in a "meltdown" with widespread layoffs and store closings. And it's all because of a one-day TV sale at Wal-Mart last November (171)
News.com.au Dumbass Man cuts off own penis in front of diners in busy London restaurant (120)
Fox News Obvious NYC bans aluminum bats, says wooden ones are just as good for threatening other motorists (59)
(Some Guy) Caption Just what is this marine describing to her fellow jarheads? (110)
Yahoo Hero U.S. Army sergeant in Afghanistan: "I find it ironic that the flags were flown at half-staff for the young men and women who were killed at VT, yet it is never lowered for the death of a U.S. service member" (346)
Yahoo Interesting U.S. Figure Skating Association realizes that no one will pay them for the rights to broadcast the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, so they give the rights to NBC for the next three years... for free (45)
My San Antonio Amusing The kids gasp every time King Antonio pulls out his sword. "They want to touch it. Yesterday, I cut a cake with it" (25)
Reuters Spiffy Coast Guard busts Panamanian cargo ship carrying around 40,000 pounds of cocaine worth approximately $600,000,000 (91)
CBS New York Followup Jersey governor in car accident will govern the state via video from his hospital bed. Names Max Headroom as his new Chief of Staff (28)
BBC Interesting BBC's Question of the Day: "Why do we hate pigeons so much?" (100)
(Popular Mechanics) Cool For everyone who has ever said, "It's the 21st Century, where's my flying car?", Popular Mechanics has the answer (110)
WFTV Florida Doctor dressed as Captain America arrested with burrito in tights after asking girl to touch it (with photos, video) (96)
(Sun Journal) Scary Police officer loses weight by eating at Subway. Too bad the weight he lost was the Glock .45 he left in the bathroom (114)
(Columbia Tribune) Dumbass Dumb: Robbing nonprofit charity. Dumber: Twice. Fark: Three times in four nights. Mugshot shows burglar re-thinking strategy for the very first time (31)
Reuters Unlikely Women still making less than men, despite being decidedly better at everything (181)
CNN Cool An intercontinental vacation getaway filled with exotic locales, great food, impressive landscapes and sex with young females (40)
(asahi.com) Amusing Japan's biggest hairpiece manufacturer to erect impenetrable defense against takeover, hopes to force rivals toupee (17)
Newsweek Interesting "China will be here for 2000 years, America may go away" (148)
CNN Scary High school students at Georgia public school attend first racially integrated prom. No, this article is not from 1947 (117)
Yahoo Interesting Chicago declared "City of the Future." Award judges apparently didn't factor in its baseball teams (65)
FARK Cool Philly Fark party: Saturday, May 19. Location TBD. Drew will be there! Preliminary RSVPs needed. DIT (138)
(Tuscaloosa News) Followup Department of Veterans Affairs to allow Wiccan symbols on headstones of fallen soldiers (170)
(Arkansas Democrat-Gazette) Dumbass Woman writes letter to newspaper to complain that moving Daylight Savings up a month has made it hotter and that the liberal Congress did it to make people believe global warming is real (217)
SMH Strange You know your small town is in trouble when your plans for boosting the economy include declaring it the "future birthplace" of Captain Kirk. William... Shatner not... available for... comment (58)
AFP Interesting Man freed after 25 years is 200th DNA exoneration. Death penalty advocates whistle and look the other way (292)
Telegraph Hero Scientists announce method for saving the planet: Stop going to work (119)
(Bloomberg) Cool $4-a-gallon gasoline is coming to a gas pump near you. Submitter owns HAL stock (211)
Slate Strange How to confront a crazed gunman. Practicing these steps may be a little tricky (355)
Toronto Star Obvious Breaking news, Romero-style: Teenagers are doing the grindage. Shocking, isn't it? (102)
Sun Sentinel Strange Family of Carvel Ice Cream magnate who died 17 years ago wants body exhumed to see if he was murdered. Cookie-Puss unavailable for comment (78)
Fox News Followup Scotland Yard prepares arrest warrants for three fromer KGB agents in the poisining death of former Russian spy in London (37)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this mid-air butt scratch (101)
NPR Interesting Patron saint of boobies reveals he decided to start calling himself "Hef" and stop dressing in the clothes his parents bought for him when he wasn't asked to a hay ride in 1942 (100)
Baltimore Sun Spiffy Spring is here and zoo animals are getting down to producing the ugly-ass babies that will populate Fark headlines for the rest of the year. "You always know what going on with the zebras by the kids shouting, 'Ewww'" (53)
Reuters PSA If you've ever told your significant other to "kill me if I'm ever being fed through an IV," don't eat at this restaurant (49)
CNN Followup Sex offender not guilty of dungeon rapes. Guilty on all charges of being ugly (with ugly-pic goodness) (182)
FARK Plug Fark TV introduces the Rolling Chef (75)
CBS News Hero Oregon governor will live on food stamps for a week to illustrate plight of poor (472)
Yahoo Sad The wild female Amur leopard population is reduced 14 percent as hunters shoot one in the ass and then club it to death. In their defense however, it was "coming right for them" (180)
Newsday Hero The Rutgers basketball team refuses to become Hillary Clinton's political football (182)
Sci Fi Silly Hot-air-balloon enthusiast makes Darth Vader helmet balloon. The dork is strong with this one (with pic) (120)
(WPBF) Florida Ancient human remains found near Miami condo, proving people have been coming to South Florida to die for thousands of years (26)
(Some Guy named John) Interesting Restaurant owner arrested after implementing innovative employee benefit -- a Czech hooker (59)
(Sea Coast Online) Amusing Golfers allow man to play through from 10th hole all the way to the 18th. Maybe it was the plane he was in at the time (29)
CBS San Francisco Weird San Francisco woman gives birth on sidewalk, leaves infant on ground, walks away (142)
(WRAL) Dumbass When the sign at the dry cleaners said "Drop your pants here for best results," nobody thought it would be taken seriously (23)
TBO Interesting Homeless family settles in apartment. Story is amusingly skeptical, especially about the man's "job" and the woman's 13-month pregnancy (244)
Globe and Mail Dumbass If you tell your fiance that you once stabbed a man in the back, set him on fire and buried him in a shallow grave in the middle of the Arizona wilderness, never get in a fight with her again (37)
The Smoking Gun Asinine Sheryl Crow's backstage list: Monday: Maker's Mark. Tuesday: Bombay Gin. Wednesday: Courvosier. Nothing about toilet paper, though. The Smoking Gun is there (218)
(The Local) Strange Swedish woman goes to Bulgaria to compete in a wrestling match, wins beauty contest instead (48)
Canada.com Scary The fatter you are, the more likely that a surgeon may leave foreign objects inside, like a surgical sponge, a swab or the keys to his Lamborghini Murcielago (35)
(Townhall) Hero Right-wing radio show prevents Fred Phelps from protesting at the funerals of the VT victims by inviting him to be on the show (468)
Slate Interesting Uncle Ben is a rare survivor in the once-crowded world of racist spokescharacters. Most of his contemporaries were fired a long time ago (129)
ABC News Asinine College professor fired for pointing his finger at students and saying "pow" while having a class discussion about VT shootings (106)
Fox News Dumbass Sheryl Crow's solution to global warming: Don't wipe your ass all the way clean, and wipe your face on your sleeve instead of using napkins. Wait til you hear her cure for cancer (177)
BBC Scary Binge drinking increases womens exposure to breast cancer, exposure of breasts (40)
UPI Asinine London's cops are finally cracking down on the real terrorists -- people who take their trash out at the wrong time. Angry Londoner's Orwell reference does Asinine tag proud (29)
CNN Scary Frank from "Return of the Living Dead" was right: There really is a skeleton factory in India (55)
AFP Obvious Iran cracks down on women wearing pants, those whores (133)
MSNBC Unlikely Actual headline: "Don't like being nagged? Problem may be yours." Nagger, please (71)
Washington Post Interesting The evolution of battle in Iraq (493)
(Bloomberg) Interesting Women make less than men right out of college. Except the good looking, ambitious, slutty ones -- they rocket right to the top (157)
Fox News Obvious MySpace celebrity profiles may be... FAKE? I'm shocked. Shocked I say (77)
CNN Sad Continuing last week's mayhem, a sociopath just blew up 24 people with a car bomb. Oh, wait, it's just Iraq. Nevermind (82)
AP NewsFlash Twenty years after his liver, the rest of Boris Yeltsin dies (179)
Boston Herald Dumbass Two hotel guests arrested after refusing to pay their $600 Spanktravision bill (91)
(Bubbles) Photoshop Photoshop Farker's buddy in a Navy MK V diving suit (88)
NJ.com Dumbass Man tries to stomp out fire while wearing flip flops; hospitalarity ensues (53)
(Some Guy) Strange Reports claiming that Yusef Islam refuses to talk to non-veiled women are being refu + + + CAT STEVENS-LIKE TYPING DETECTED + + + (250)
(Some Guy) Amusing "With the size of an elephant's genitalia, how could we not know?" (53)
Yahoo Silly Man gets 5,000 calls after posting his phone number on YouTube (55)
(Orange County Register) Strange Any story that involves a "naked crazy woman with a gun" can't end well (36)
Reuters Dumbass Man gets caught shoplifting and, in the course of trying to escape, gets injured; sues store for damages. Apparently, Canada does not know about Tasers yet (34)
News.com.au Spiffy Two cloned dogs set to mate. Offspring to populate house in next "Big Brother" series (22)
MSNBC Strange Man stashes $14,000 in camper vents. Hilarity ensues when camper hits the freeway (21)
(Some Guy) Obvious Germans in uproar as push for biofuels drives up beer prices. "The German government has got to be reasonable and not give more importance to energy security than to food security" (43)
Stuff Weird Scientists employing narwhals as arctic oceanographers in exchange for fish dinners, immunity from Infinite Improbability Drives (28)
(Some bowler) Followup Indian coach of Pakistani team murdered in Jamaican hotel room might have been slipped snake venom so he could be easily strangled. And you thought cricket was boring (38)
USA Today Asinine USA Today proclaims Gen Y as first American generation to shaped by united tragedy. WWII vets, Baby Boomers, Generation X all line up to kick their spoiled naive asses (405)
News.com.au Sad Study finds that lawyers are, on average, more depressed than any other group of professionals, though you'd be depressed too if everyone made jokes that mean about your profession (171)
STLToday Strange Clergy join push to okay medical use of marijuana (58)
CNN Scary The world's honeybees are disappearing without a trace, and no one knows why. Cue the tinfoil hats and a congressional hearing (159)
IndyStar Cool Nation's two oldest people meet. Lawns were reported to be clear of children for miles around (35)
News.com.au Unlikely Researchers claim that illegal drugs cost Australian business $3.3 billion a year. Geez, what are they smoking? (39)
The Sun Dumbass Man calls 999, the British version of 911, to complain that his wife was refusing to have sex with him, and to request an ambulance crew to "examine" her (58)
(Some 50 MT Firecracker) Cool The story of Царь-бомба, literally "Emperor Bomb," the hugest-ass nuclear weapon ever detonated in the history of history. Photos and a killer video (134)
Houston Chronicle Spiffy U.S. presidential candidates may have an online debate this fall. Hillary: "U R teh suxors." Giuliani: "STFU!" Obama: "OMG, LOL" (68)
(Brisbane Times) Scary Queensland hospital hires medical interns without checking on little things like whether they can speak the language or are medically qualified (16)
Slate Obvious Metal detecting is the world's worst hobby (97)
(Some Guy) Sad The worldwide bastion of freedom legalises online poker. No, not the U.S. -- South Africa (89)



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