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Sun March 02, 2008
CTV Sad Jeff Healey loses 41 year battle with cancer (46)
Daily Mail Asinine Study attempts to show woman who drinks daily what she may look like in 25 years, with or without continuing to drink. Considering she'll be old and unfarkable either way, my vote goes to keep drinking (pics) (106)
The Scotsman Asinine Dairy food to soon carry cigarette-style warning labels to warn people about how dangerous cheese and milk are to eat (69)
The Scotsman Sick "Two German air force sergeants are facing courts martial after drawing their own blood to make traditional sausage" (59)
Daily Mail Interesting Statisticians say Libras' cars break down more often than those born under any other astrological sign. In related news, Libras are more likely to buy Chevys (160)
Daily Mail Cool Huge-ass humpback whale gives kayakers the shock of their lives, before realising they weren't Japanese whalers (pics) (75)
(Some Guy) Stupid Woman gets prison time for overdue library books. Librarians everywhere rejoice, albeit quietly (117)
ABC 2 Scary Today's real estate agent finding human remains brought to you by Emmitsburg, MD (27)
Guardian.com Interesting "Jonathan Lee Riches is America's most prolific litigant. Convicted of fraud and serving an eight-year sentence in South Carolina, he has sued Keira Knightley, Wesley Snipes, the Unabomber, Pizza Hut and the Goodyear blimp" (71)
(Some Guy) Followup Prince Harry may have joined the Mile High Club while serving in Afghanistan (112)
News.com.au Obvious Organic raised chickens still taste the same as factory raised chicken. Same great taste for a higher price (176)
(State Journal-Register) Strange Small Missouri town forks out $3,500 for monument to one-time World's Fattest Man. 1,069 LBS., NEVAH FORGET (72)
Reno Gazette-Journal Hero Movie theater bans kids under 18 on Friday and Saturday nights unless they're with an adult (401)
Daily Mail Sad Childhood now ends at age 11. Now go get a job, punks (127)
SMH Asinine Aussie health commission officers ordered to lie to families whose homes were exposed to high levels of gamma rays, got caught when number of rampaging green monsters in area went through the roof (23)
FARK Photoshop Theme: Create a movie poster for a misunderstood movie title. Example: "Rear Window" with a poster about replacement window installation. Difficulty: Use actual movie title (247)
CBS New York Unlikely SWAT team members say they were forced to go to Hooters and cavort with the waitresses (72)
Baltimore Sun Dumbass Man who doesn't quite get the concept of armed robbery tries it out using a spork. Spork spork spork (57)
(NZ Herald) Dumbass Woman calls emergency hotline because she needed help sewing (21)
AZCentral Spiffy Members of a tribal council secretly give themselves 30 percent raises and get Humvees and other luxury vehicles bought with tribal funds. It's good to be Chief (40)
BBC NewsFlash Hugo Chavez runs out of coke, sends his men to Colombia for more (302)
Fox News Interesting According to new study, women are more clever and successful liars than men. Bonus: Both the study and the article written by women, so who knows? (209)
(adn.com) Amusing This is Alaska, where our clothes horses parade before the awestruck crowds in garments of duct tape, balloons, guitar strings, bubble wrap, computer parts, paper clips and coffee beans (pics) (41)
Metafilter Scary $1,000,000 offered for Hillary Clinton to pose nude (200)
(Teh Children) Asinine Not News: Mayor and police force get gifts every year for Christmas. News: Out of the "Toys for Tots" fund (40)
CNN Followup NEWS: Cabdriver arrested in New York abandoned baby case. FARK: Mother of baby was 14 and father was 27. FARKIER: Cabdriver, 44, was dating the 21-year-old sister of the 14-year-old (80)
(Some Guy) Hero Virginia appeals court rules 4-3 that spamming is not constitutionally-protected free speech (85)
(Some Guy) Amusing Rejected Star Wars toys. The world just wasn't ready for a Jabba the Hutt beanbag (73)
AP Followup Rapper Juvenile, who makes a living glorifiying guns and violence, "shocked" at the shooting of his daughter and her mother (496)
(The Local) Cool If you ever wanted to own a real German WWII Panzer, here's your chance. You know who else really, really liked Panzers? (126)
News.com.au Interesting Australia opens world's first "human rights compliant" prison including cottages, flat screen TVs and mountain views. It's not a life sentence, it's a lifestyle (109)
Philly Obvious Philadelphia is America's best beer-drinking city. Beer snob rebuttals to the right (146)
CBC Cool 34th annual Iditarod to begin today in Alaska. Race begins in Anchorage, is expected to last 11-12 days and will span 1700 miles. NOME NOME NOME (42)
(Seacoast Online.com) Cool The world's largest snowman isn't a man, baby. With 'I'd hit it' pics (58)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this construction tube (41)
London Times Strange Conspiracy theorists have field day as Kremlin places secret £10K order for 3,200 female white mice. Stuart Little seen buying thirty gross of condoms, boarding flight to Moscow (55)
(KXLY) Silly Monkey on the loose in Spokane bites three people, says "tastes like chicken" (48)
CBC Dumbass Saskatchawanians, the West Virginians of Canada, can't get the hang of these newfangled dogless dogsleds (148)
(Some Guy) Stupid Man arrested for attacking his daughter with a lawn ornament. GNOME GNOME GNOME (60)
(NWA Morning News) Obvious Newspaper discovers college kids go out drinking Thursday, skip Friday classes, like terrible music, are unconcerned about your lawn (87)
Telegraph Hero In an event that would never happen in the USA, British government orders profiteering gas and electricity bosses to give back their profits or face a big fine (309)
Houston Chronicle Weird Muskrat skinning a staple of the Miss Outdoors pageant. Captain & Tennille too shocked to comment (47)
BBC Interesting Mahmoud Ahmadiplomat makes the first ever trip to Iraq of an Iranian president. Flowers and delicious chocolates expected to flow freely (88)
Reuters Obvious Reuters reports that 70% of Americans believe the media is out of touch which means the number is probably like 30% or something (54)
Stuff Silly If you're going to bust a meth lab, make sure it isn't delicious ginger beer brewing (72)
(SBS) Sad Lack of sexual desire and infrequent intercourse are among the most common sexual problems experienced by New Zealanders, skin burns from sheep dip comes in third (49)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this kid and his antler (59)
(WOAI) Strange Firefighters called to rescue 83-year-old man stuck in tree. He can has Elderday? (56)
(Some Guy) Obvious All that crap you're recycling? It's all ending up in the same place as the other non-recycled crap: The dumpster (144)
Billings Gazette Interesting Doctor speculates on famous assassination victims' wounds, says Julius Caesar would still be dead if stabbed today. Which is hardly surprising, since he'd be some 2100 years old (106)

Sat March 01, 2008
Fox News Cool USS New York, with steel from the World Trade Center, set for christening (454)
TC Palm Florida "I hope it stays just like it is. It doesn't get any better than this" says woman about trailer park where she has lived for 64 years (84)
Newsweek Followup Taliban forces say they knew Prince Harry was in Afghanistan, so there; "Our first option was to capture him as a prisoner, and the second, to kill him" (125)
CBS Sacramento Dumbass It's all fun and games until the cameraman films the license plate and uploads the footage to the web with keywords detailing your location (89)
News.com.au Interesting The world's poor will starve because Americans want ethanol for their hybrids: Free US food aid to other countries to be cut back due to 41 percent increase in grain costs (330)
Denver Channel Sad Man barbecuing in yard hears "big bang", rushes out front to find man dead in car wreck, not the forming universe he was hoping for (37)
London Times Cool One in 10 nurses admit having affairs with patients in their care. Giggety (215)
Telegram Photoshop Photoshop this kid and his mop (69)
CTV Cool You know you're a Canadian if....you have your own snow plow (126)
(WFAA.com) Dumbass Lowering the hood on the car you just stole might improve your chances for making a clean getaway (12)
(WXYZ-7) Stupid Police officer is a ticket-writing machine, yet motorists he ticketed insist they didn't break the law and he reaps $21,000 in overtime pay thanks to traffic court (159)
(Some Guy) Interesting Group of cannibals jailed for inviting friend to dinner (92)
(The Local) Dumbass Teacher warned for feeding students cat food, even though it is an improvement over cafeteria food (38)
Google Followup "I never thought I'd find myself saying 'thank God for Drudge'." (233)
AJC Sappy Atlanta Humane Society teaches pet owners "mouth to snout" resuscitation. Now you have an excuse for making out with your dog (50)
(Some Girl) Dumbass Twelve is a little young for a tramp stamp, don't you think? (289)
Telegraph Strange What do you call a chihuahua stranded in a tree 100 feet off the ground? Co-pilot (27)
Boston Herald Sad Massachusetts residents call graduation from NYU a "hollow ending" because the ceremony will be in Yankee Stadium (74)
(Some Guy) Asinine The TSA has allowed $31,000,000 worth of travelers stuff to be stolen under is "watch." What does TSA stand for again? (180)
(New York Daily News) Dumbass Man, you can't even give away free money in the middle of New York City without starting a damn riot (36)
Herald-Leader Ironic News: Man assaults woman and 63 year old man and flees, only to be tracked down later by the police who used the paperwork found in the folder he assaulted the man with and dropped. FARK: The paperwork was his anger management class homework (40)
The Sun Interesting Pear of women crushed by falling trees rescued after people hear their cries fir help. Olive them expected to be A-oak (53)
The Sun Scary Man tries to climb fence to take a short cut. Since you're reading about it here, you know it didn't end well (43)
Sky News Hero Fisherman swims for twelve hours in shark infested waters to get help for his stranded friends. With pic of one really farking tired fisherman (78)
AZCentral Obvious Students question school's no hugging policy that still allows a "man hug" as long as it last longer than 2 seconds (87)
(MLive) Obvious Valet parkers at Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, MI caught taking cars on joyrides, confirming Carmeron Frye's suspicion (82)
(The Day) Amusing There's nothing wrong with taking your pet for a ride in your car. Unless it's your pet boa constrictor which ends up inside your dashboard (17)
Local6 Florida Man is upset about high gas prices, so he beats up his wife. Why? Because it's Florida (64)
Stuff Strange Headlines made for Fark: Owner sues over stag's semen (14)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this camera obscura booth (56)
Stuff Asinine Nightclub left in the managerial hands of two 15-year olds. What could possibly go wrong? (70)
AP Interesting Superfluous study finds that old people are cheered up by dogs and robots and bright shiny things. And Matlock (59)
Chicago Tribune Sad Frontman for OC punk band M.I.A. Michael Conley D.O.A. in Chicago (150)
(Some Rescue Effort) Cool Cat stuck up a tree for two days. When fire crews and animal rescue workers fail to get him down, two people from the nearby library come to the rescue, thus ensuring a happy Caturday (685)
AJC Asinine Georgia Senate passes bill mandating the tracking of children's body mass index. The "After School Detention Gimme 50 Pushups, You Fat Ass Maggot" bill still in committee (142)
CNN Amusing Jack Thompson's Hawaiian home in danger of being destroyed by lava. "It's the safest place I've ever lived," he says (74)
Washington Post Followup Turkish troops pull out of Northern Iraq, high-five Pakistan, promise to call (38)
(Ze Local) Dumbass 80-year-old man arrested for robbing bank. With a squirt gun. Then he soiled himself (20)
Bangor Daily News Dumbass It's never a good idea to go snowmobiling at night in your shorts after you've been drinking (26)
Daily Mail Amusing Police chief uses staff to monitor rude Wikipedia comments about him (w/pic of intimidating, mustached crime fighter) (79)
Yahoo Dumbass Man has friend shoot him in the shoulder so he doesn't have to take a drug test. Too bad by doing so he proved he was on drugs (18)
The Sun Cool Welshman covers house in 9,000 daffodils in honor of St. David's Day (pic) (36)
The Sun Hero Prince William the next royal headed to combat, Jenna and Barbara fighting hangovers (152)
Google Photoshop Photoshop theme: Find some new uses for obsolete technology (66)
(KTUL) Stupid Oklahoma news station shows its viewers exactly where there are old abandoned coal mines within Tulsa city limits. What could possibly go wrong? (with video and google map of said coal mines) (62)
SFGate Dumbass San Francisco Zoo visitor wisely decides not to taunt the tigers . . . by throwing acorns at the rhinos instead (72)
(Muskegon Chronicle) Hero Soldier waits more than 30 minutes by the car to wait for shopper to come out of store to thank her for USA Flag sticker on her car; even gives her a salute. The tag is for both of them (384)
Boston Globe Amusing Spectators needed for a bacon eating contest. OM NOM NOM NOM (74)
Boston Globe PSA In order to become a Boston fireman you must be able to cheat on a test without getting caught. The good news is, you can keep trying until you don't get caught (38)

Fri February 29, 2008
(ABC7) Florida Remember, next time you're driving, if your dog doesn't click it, you'll get the ticket (73)
ABC Action News Florida Two women caught stealing over 100 spikes from railroad track ... OMG, MY EYES, THEY BURN (170)
TampaBays10.com Florida Two arrested after grave-robbing 1500 pounds of titanium left over from cremations from Tampa cemetery. In more startling news, Tampa cemeteries are apparently Terminator burial grounds (68)
MSNBC Amusing "If you have trouble getting your dog up in the morning, you might want to get this alarm clock" (44)
The Smoking Gun Amusing TSG's weekly mugshot roundup chock full of DO NOT WANT (203)
(KREM.com) Sad Barge barges into gate, locking-up lock (22)
CBS 2 Lost Angeles PSA (Don't) Trust The Gorton's Fisherman (72)
(Maclean's) Stupid Man plans to stay in village he was born in, even though there are only four people left. Not even lack of road, garbage service, phone, and electricity will make him accept government's offer of $1.7 million to move (82)
Rocky Mountain News Interesting Colorado wants to build a state-of-the-art solar energy research center with arrays of mirrors reflecting sunlight...right near the world's tenth busiest airport. What could possibly go wrong? (76)
AJC Spiffy You don't have to worry about driving your bus off a bridge in Atlanta anymore. They've put up some signs (48)
(Citizen Times) Sappy Casanova sends his girlfriend on a nearly seven-hour scavenger hunt with a surprise ending (159)
WTAM Interesting Ugly-ass echidna unveiled at Cleveland zoo. Yeah... I'd never heard of them either (with pics) (69)
(Some Embarrased Guy) Amusing Perhaps the best scam ever (99)
(Daily Record) Scary Forgotten boxes of plutonium discovered by cleaners at British school. Pu Pu Pu (93)
(Some Guy) Hero If only National Grammar Day could get half the attention that Talk Like A Pirate Day does (85)
Denver Post Dumbass Fast and the Injurious: Flip Over A Cliff Drift (58)
(Some Tfette) Photoshop Photoshop these swallows (76)
Breitbart.com Unlikely Betting pool begins as to when the space shuttle Endeavour will ACTUALLY launch (28)
ABC News Asinine Some high schools are so competitive, students resort to cheating because actually studying would make them like so uncool (88)
KNBC Cool Cute-ass baby giraffe debuts at LA Zoo (28)
My San Antonio Strange Aren't they normally that color? IHOP adds "Green Eggs and Ham" to menu as Dr. Seuss promotion (45)
KNX1070 NewsFlash Today's "armed man causes school lockdown" brought to you by Pasadena, CA (85)
(Some Thong Sniffer) Silly Victoria's Secret CEO wants to change company's sexy image, collect early severance package (256)
CBS New York Dumbass School suspends students for taking too much time to buy $2 lunch ... with pennies (140)
SFGate Scary Not news in 1958: Quaker pacifist fired for not signing loyalty oath. Fark in 2008: Quaker pacifist fired for not signing loyalty oath (231)
FARK Amusing Good times. Have a chuckle at this 2002 Fark thread about gas prices "skyrocket " to $1.62 (219)
STLToday Scary Skateboarding teen crawls for help after train cuts off his leg. Police are unsure exactly what occurred but say they should know the whole story when his buddies upload it to YouTube (93)
NYPost Interesting US Treasury secretary wants to eliminate pennies. Next step is getting rid of dollar bills and putting more two-dollar bills out there, because hard-working American strippers deserve a raise (229)
Guardian.com PSA If something bad happens to Matt Drudge in the next few weeks the House of Windsor would like you to know now that they didn't have anything to do with it (321)
(PT Leader) Dumbass "Murphy's Law applies to everyone, evidently, even criminals" (56)
CNN Amusing Body of missing model found. Husband calls off the search for the rest of her (194)
(WBNS-10TV) Scary Dentists in Ohio caught using reverse alchemy to turn gold teeth into lead (94)
Excite Interesting The US to construct 40,000 Super Whooping-Crane-O-Matics (80)
ABC News Video Watch as this camera-man obviously zooms in on woman-shopper's booty during a video about the mom and daughter shoplifters. Stay classy, ABC (181)
Chicago Tribune Followup Brett Favre retirement announcement an error, just like his decision to play another year (85)
BBC Interesting Gunmen take Chaldean Bishop. US officials say their next move might be airstrikes or Queen to Bishop 6 (54)
NPR Asinine Chavez wants to exhume Simon Bolivar's corpse in an attempt to prove that he didn't die of tuberculosis. BRAIIINS (74)
Des Moines Register Dumbass If you're going to rob a Git-N-Go, don't leave behind a jacket that contains your W-2 form (33)
The Sun Unlikely A survey of 2,000 primary school teachers found two-thirds of them thought sex education should be compulsory in their schools, including hands-on lab work (43)
CNN Sad The 10 best cars in America. Not surprising: only one is a US brand. Surprising: two are Hyundais (461)
Guardian.com Obvious The Kremlin are planning to rig the results of the Russian Presidential election on Sunday, and they're not being subtle about it (122)
(Boing Boing) Hero Billboard Liberation Front helps out AT&T with its immunity campaign (160)
(WESH-2) Florida Red light cameras being installed at Orlando intersections; if drivers run a red light, they get a stiffly worded letter from the United Nations (53)
Local6 Amusing $31-a-gallon gas shocks motorists (with pic goodness) (118)
(New York Times) Ironic Bogus study claims American kids are stupid, New York Times uses it to bash Bush and claim its own failure is because Americans are too stupid to appreciate it (515)
MSNBC Scary Principal raps to students. Yo. Word (70)
(Some Guy) Obvious Housing prices an obstacle to economic growth in Boston: "I can't get people to move from Cleveland to here" (162)
My Fox DC Obvious MD to hire two toy inspectors to check for lead content after old system of "If it sinks it must be lead free and if it floats it must have lead in it and we must burn it at the stake" system found to have too many holes (40)
SuperDeluxe Amusing Obama, an African Warlord Bush, a wizard from Narnia? Now, that's foreign policy (146)
News.com.au Dumbass If you're cited for DUI and immediately released from custody on your own recognizance, you shouldn't keep driving around afterwards. Especially if you're a cabbie (14)
Aftenposten.no Strange British soldiers on joint military exercises in Norway take time out to get naked at a local bar (63)
Marketwatch Interesting The Economist is becoming increasingly popular in America, taking market share from TIME and Newsweek thanks to its intelligent celebritard-free journalism (210)
CNN Amusing Larry King gets dancing lessons from Janet Jackson. It's not news, it's CNN (44)
(Brooklyn Paper) Photoshop Photoshop this newspaper editor and the Brooklyn borough president (52)
CBS Austin Spiffy Cloth diapers are making a comeback. It's a green movement (322)
The Sun Weird Man who tried to have sex with pavement escapes being put on the sex offenders register, presumably because there's no chance any road in England would be under 18 years old (91)
(My Fox Orlando) Florida Orlando man plans to celebrate leap year by leaping off of a 12 foot ladder 366 times. Why? Because it's Florida (67)
AFP Obvious Scientist blames "lucifer effect" for turning good soldiers evil at Abu Ghraib. Submitter prefers the old term: "human nature" (168)
(NBC5i) Scary Not news: Mother snoops around room while daughter is at high school. Fark: She finds daughter's 27 year old boyfriend (1347)
SMH Ironic Israeli minister drops the H-bomb (650)
My Fox DC Cool Pope Benedict XVI to arrive in DC by April. Washington Nationals say they hope he can fill leadership role in the clubhouse and expect to use him primarily in center field if he passes his physical (31)
(Bradenton Herald) Scary Student's gun jams while trying to shoot teacher (118)
Stuff Sick "... The man admitted taking the goat to the back of the property, attempting to have sex with it before doing up his trousers, patting the goat and walking away." (86)
CNN PSA Oil hits $103 a barrel on news of Prince Harry being pulled from Afghanistan (47)
News.com.au Followup Turkish troops withdraw from Zap region of Iraq, however, fierce fighting continues in Bam and Pow. No word from Pew Pew Pew either (46)
Boston Herald Stupid Town branded "unpatriotic" for refusing to pay fireman $7,000 for work clothes he doesn't need because he's spending a year fighting in Iraq (118)
(Some Guy) Interesting 1924 shipwreck recently uncovered from sands. Bonus: Ship was named "Acme," thus becoming an iconic symbol for hungry coyotes everywhere (33)
BBC Followup The man who decided to walk from England to India with no money, in order to prove a point about the kindness of strangers, is forced to quit early because he failed to account for the French (135)
(Las Vegas Now) Scary Possible ricin contamination in Las Vegas hotel, across from water treatment plant (52)
Daily Mail Spiffy UK House of Lords member says Britain's nurses are "grubby, drunken and promiscuous." That's hot (65)
(phillyBurbs) PSA "Hang up the farking phone and drive" becomes law in NJ this weekend. With "like shooting fish in a barrel" quote from a cop (228)
BBC Followup Prince Harry to be withdrawn from Afghanistan because Matt Drudge can't keep his mouth shut (255)
(Some Farkin A-hole) Dumbass Not news, guy attempts armed robbery. News, gun is actually a bottle of cheap cologne. Fark, man being robbed is martial arts expert who pummels the criminal mastermind. With mugshot sweetness (55)
Washington Post Spiffy It's Leap Day, so don't forget to set your calendar an hour ahead (81)
SMH Spiffy German Zoo announces birth of new ugly-ass polar bear cub (w/pics) (44)
BBC Weird News: Welsh woman can't stop calling in false emergencies. Strange: She had electrodes put on her fingers to make her stop dialing. Fark: "It's a MAN, baby" picture (110)
(Some Tfette) Photoshop Photoshop this classy cockpit (36)
(ksdk.com) Obvious Vacationing attorney plays slot machine in Virgin Islands, hits $5.15 million jackpot. Casino manager unplugs machine, tells attorney "It's an obvious malfunction." Guess what the American attorney did next? (169)
(Some Actor) Amusing Twin gay porn actors arrested for rooftop burglary. Additional charge of smuggling bones is pending (72)
(Some Guy) Amusing A brief history of leap year, or how Julius Caesar shagging Cleopatra may have inadvertently led to an extra day in February every four years (80)
(Milfahd Daily News) Weird Man drinks gasoline and screams at passing cars. Then it gets weird (63)
Yahoo Interesting Man charged with murder after cop dies from complications arising from shooting. Fark: 40 years after the cop was shot. Double Fark: Man already served 20 years in prison for shooting the cop (83)
My San Antonio Dumbass Dear innocent random man: we're sorry we accidentally put your picture on the front page and called you a murderer. Here's a picture of the actual murderer. We apologize for any embarrassment or inconvenience that this may have caused (36)
The Sun Interesting Curry chef has his tastebuds insured for £1 million. In related news, curry chefs have a sense of taste (91)
(WLWT) Strange Woman gives birth to a baby that is 2/3 as long as she is. And you thought that you had a big baby(w/ pic) (214)

Thu February 28, 2008
CBS Boston Dumbass Truck carrying oversized crane takes on entrance to tunnel. With video and pics of spectacular falarity (64)
(Some Puppy) Sappy The cutest pics you'll see of a Dachsund adopting a baby piglet all day (69)
(Stars and Stripes) Obvious Air Force releases fourth official motto in only seven years, “Above All,” which, by total happenstance, is title of popular Christian rock song (148)
(WWL-AM) Interesting New Orleans begins rounding up the homeless to get them off the streets. Seemed like a good plan, 'till someone realized it's not illegal to live on the streets in New Orleans (50)
YouTube Asinine Dude crying about Obama's lack of lapel pin shows up on Dan Abram's show without a lapel pin. Self-pwning ensues (470)
SFGate Spiffy Craft brewers are slowly bumping up the alcohol volume in their beers (228)
(Chattanoogan) Weird Who cares about the housing crisis when you can buy a house shaped like a flying saucer? Literally (with pic weirdness) (94)
ABC News Hero Nat'l Guardsman wins $1 million in lottery, still plans on serving third term in Iraq (331)
Yahoo Interesting Signaling impatience with Syria, the United States has sent its USS Cole warship off the coast of Lebanon in a "show of support" for regional stability. What could possibly go wrong? (138)
BBC Dumbass Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night will keep the postman from his appointed rounds, but a bout of depression might make him hide a few thousand letters and parcels (31)
(Susquehanna University) Asinine Fishing Expedition (noun) - When education administrators make those caught drinking underage fill out forms detailing their sexual histories, preferences, partners, and disease exposure (84)
(Some Guy) Misc Rare Leopard cub makes zoo debut with uuuuuugggggly ass pictures (62)
(nola.com) Dumbass Krispy Kreme driver eats all the donuts, stages his own kidnapping. Mmmmm Krispy Kreme, nom nom nom (100)
(Some American) Caption American Greetings is holding a caption contest with a $1000 grand prize. Let's show 'em how Farkers do it. VE (141)
DallasNews Amusing In the future, everyone will smell good for fifteen minutes (17)
(NewsChannel 9) Followup Tennessee representatives delivering water to the Georgia Legislature in a gesture of goodwill are met on the Capitol steps with handcuffs. Bonus: one of the Tennesseeans was dressed as Davy Crockett, coonskin cap and all (66)
Valleywag Amusing If you go to the Urban Dictionary and look up the word that's plastered behind this sexy Google executive in two-foot-tall letters, you'll find something completely different than what San Francisco magazine likely had in mind (215)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this robot about to bust a move (66)
(Some Partying TFette) Ironic "Oh, this is the real party, Chris." Actual Seattle Fark Party, Elysian Brewing Company, Sat. March 8th, 8pm. (DIT, LGT Bar Info) (132)
Yahoo Unlikely Anheuser-Busch plans to open four new theme parks in Dubai. The Budweiser log flume will double as a brewing tank (61)
My Fox Colorado Followup Elevator worker impaled by rod expected to live, join the Village People (44)
CBS News NewsFlash Explosion rocks Illinois mall. Witness report seeing a short fat man in a trench coat and a tall guy that kept saying “snoochy poochy” or something fleeing the scene (193)
AP Amusing What the frick? (330)
Canoe Amusing Woman uses the internet to fund her boob job (w/fist of an angry God pic) (602)
AP PSA One out of every 100 Americans is in jail according to a report by the Pew center, which by sheer coincidence is also the name of the commissary where the prison tossed salad is served (227)
(The New Editor) Unlikely If you had "some random dude who used to be a San Francisco county supervisor" in your Nader vice president pick betting pool, you win (163)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Sprint attempts to right the sinking ship with a "Simply Everything" plan. Everything for $99 a month, no questions asked (195)
SLTrib Asinine Sales team leader describes waterboarding of employee as "a team-building exercise, everybody was... involved and enthusiastic." (120)
WTMJ Dumbass Packers.com: Brett Favre To Retire... wait... uh... never mind (125)
Washington Post Amusing At the Exxon "We shouldn't pay for destroying 600 miles of coastline" hearings today, Chief Justice Roberts asked a question so stupid the people in court openly laughed at him. Clarence Thomas has some helpful advice (462)
(Natl. Assoc. of Manufacturers) Dumbass Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-North Dakota) hates NAFTA and free trade. Guess which state led in export growth last year, with 49 percent of its export business going to Canada? Hint: It rhymes with Dorth Bakota (135)
(Post and Courier) Obvious South Carolina leads the world in flame-retardant dolphin technology (51)
(Some Guy) Followup After the rousing success of their sex scandal about McCain, MSM is now pretending he's not eligible to be president because he was born in Panama (242)
NYPost Obvious New Yorkers who don't bat an eye when they spend $400k to live in a closet on the Upper East Side, kvetch at having to pay $1 for a plain bagel (124)
Fox News PSA Evidence shows that 2007 was the coldest year ever recorded. Al Gore shifting his money from carbon credits to Exxon (502)
SuperDeluxe Spiffy Guess the political affiliation of this double-d, thonged super-delegate (NSFW) (162)
CSMonitor Followup Mohamed cartoon, the sequel, promises the same thrill-packed action as the original (111)
ICNetwork Interesting New evidence indicates that Antarctica iced over when dinosaur automobiles raised the CO2 level to twice what it is today (183)
Yahoo NewsFlash Prince Harry let loose on the Taliban for the last 10 weeks. Nicknamed "the Bullet Magnet" by comrades (274)
(Some Guy) Interesting Fake dog found to be as good as a real dog at staving off loneliness in the elderly. Your dog wants batteries (63)
LA Times Followup McCain believes that because people in Iraq call themselves "Al Qaeda in Iraq," that must make them actually in Al Qaeda. Which raises the question, what are we going to do about the Viking occupation of Minnesota? (498)
WMCTV Dumbass If you smoked crack in Mississippi in the 90s, chances are it came from this guy (102)
(WCVB) Obvious It's that time of the year when Amtrak threatens train wrecks if Congress doesn't pay up (86)
Pocono Record Strange If you rode in a Poconos taxi and have bite marks, the police would like to talk with you (25)
Orlando Sentinel Florida Cold front moves into Florida as residents grab dictionaries to look up words like "Coat" and "Sweater" (133)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Hamas will likely be able to expand the range of its homemade Rockets of Peace™ to 12 miles by the end of the year (321)
Chicago Tribune Strange Not news: Mother gives premature birth on train. Fark: It was in the bathroom and the baby fell throught the toilet and onto the tracks. Drew: Odds of this being completely bogus -- high (115)
Daily Mail Asinine Parents let 16-year-old daughter's boyfriend, 36, live with them so that their little snowflake doesn't like, get mad and stuff. "If I forbid it or attempt to ban her from seeing him, I risk losing my precious child" (pic) (1360)
(wnem.com) Amusing "When they see fights around people cut around like 'woo'..." (150)
(NZ Herald) Amusing Australian Footbal League issues morals test to players. Actual question: "A mate and his girlfriend are having sex. Do you: (a) watch (b) not watch" (114)
ABC News Interesting Dr. Hootan C. Roozrokh is on trial for having the fakest name ever. Or killing a patient to harvest his organs, one of those two (51)
UPI Cool Man wins a lifetime supply of beer. Hooray for beer (89)
Daily Mail Sappy The cutest pictures of a big dog who has adopted a baby goat you will see today (71)
Metro Dumbass Man trying to shoplift suit by wearing it out of store caught after he forgets to take the hangar off first. "Only a sign saying 'stop me, I'm a thief,' would have made the thief look more unprofessional," police remark (34)
My Fox DC Dumbass There is only one problem with the new, state-of-the-art baseball stadium D.C. has spent millions on building for the Washington Nationals: No parking spaces (171)
Daily Mail Amusing Man finds £1.5 million block of cocaine on the beach, takes it home to "stop it falling into the wrong hands." Party at eight, bring a bottle (105)
(Some Guy) Stupid Moran vandasl hit Obama headquarters in Texsa (with pic) (254)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this shiny, metallic bug (75)
WTMJ Sick "What's that you stuffed in that steak?" "Oh, these are my pubes" (79)
(Star-Telegram) Strange Not be outdone by Florida, Texas now reporting power grid emergency due to loss of wind. LOSS OF WIND (123)
Yahoo News Bush to hold news conference to announce plans to make it easier to listen to your phone calls and read your emails (464)
My Fox DC Amusing HOUSE FOR SALE: Previously resided in by a dead woman whose kids kept her body in the home while they collected her Social Security checks and looked after her 150 cats -- 2½ baths, finished basement, $75,000 OBO (44)
AP Dumbass Man tried to rob the same bank, wearing the same clothes and telling employees the same thing as he did two weeks previously (22)
The Sun Weird Anti-immigrant rhetoric, U.S. style: "They took our jerbs." Anti-immigrant rhetoric, UK style: "They ate our swans" (75)
(Courier Post Online) Dumbass On second thought, maybe the oven wasn't the best place to store homemade fireworks (36)
Yahoo Asinine In a bid to ensure $4-per-gallon gas, House okays $18 billion in new taxes on big oil companies (477)
BBC Obvious British witches want country to apologize for jailing or killing 4,000 witches over the centuries, even though most were clearly made of wood (125)
Yorkshire Evening Post Sick Jailed devil-worshipping rapist meets and falls in love with devoutly religious prison visitor. He's freed, they move in together. Then it gets weird (144)
The Sun Obvious Teenage girl in Australia develops allergy to water, regrets the fact that she wasn't born in France where no one would care (95)
1010WINS Strange Man kills himself with duct tape. Talk about a suicide plan you can really stick to (80)
(Some Guy) Interesting University evacuates dorm after two drunk students are found passed out in the bathroom, giving everyone there a lesson in overreacting (33)
Sky.com Hero Italian court of appeal issues ruling making it illegal for men to scratch their crotches in public (66)
News.com.au Stupid Mother, 31, is SHOCKED to find out that her 15-year-old son had an orgy in prison (117)
Daily Mail Unlikely Government moves to get 1.9 million Brits off the dole and back into the workforce. Excuses such as "the penguin on my TV exploded" and "they took my liver" not accepted (46)
(Some Guy) Obvious More Britons can remember their first car than their first kiss, if only because their first kiss didn't drop its driveshaft in the middle of the M1 at rush hour, then catch fire (53)
SMH Dumbass Jealous man hacks into his Internet lover's email, sends naked photos of her to all of her contacts. Claims he only meant to send them to her husband but hit the wrong button (79)
BBC Scary Sicilian Mafia returns to America to rebuild crime network, marry Kay, avenge Sonny's death on causeway (64)
The Sun Asinine Town, plagued by rash of youth suicides, make students who are still living draw up their own funeral plans, complete with what music they want played. That should nip the problem in the bud (57)
(Some Guy) Florida Video emerges of jail officers dumping paralyzed guy out of wheelchair in Tampa jail. This is not a repeat from a couple weeks ago (86)
Hartford Courant Scary Chocolate beer can be a treat, just like yogurt soda, trout ice cream and clamato, you Philistines (92)
CBS New York Amusing Teen-mugging-victim turned cybersleuth catches mugger by flirting with him on MySpace (42)
(Joplin Globe) Obvious Study shows teens need boundaries, communication, keys to your car (39)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these two dudes and their nifty glowing machine (36)
I Heart Chaos Asinine Scientology has been described as a bad sci-fi cult, but much of it isn't even bad sci-fi that Hubbard wrote himself -- it was from a 1934 book called "Scientologie." That's crazy you can Xerox (241)
The Sun Amusing Idiots now spending huge amounts of money on French perfume that will make them smell of blood, sweat and spit. Robert Paulson unavailable for comment (49)
CBS Sacramento Strange "Hey kiddies, you want to ride on my tank? IT'S NOT A TOOMAH" (34)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 147: "Yellow." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (275)

Wed February 27, 2008
CBS Philadelphia Interesting Coast Guard helicopter rescues utility workers who were stuck on a light pole. Coast Guard helicopter rescues that have nothing to do with water trifecta now in play (33)
(Some Guy) Amusing Today's drunk 53-yo on a riding lawn mower, leading police on a 3 mph chase, brought to you by Vancouver, WA. Suspect claims he was trying to chase some kids from his lawn (35)
The Sun Weird A tattoo. On his eye. ON HIS EYE. With pics (295)
Fox News NewsFlash 8 gunned down outside of Los Angeles middle school, including children. School on lockdown (379)
(PennLive) Hero Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board announces mobile liquor stores to facilitate sales along busy stretches of roadway (57)
Pravda Interesting Bird boy found in Russia. Bat boy worries about competition in the increasingly crowded field of human-animal hybrids (51)
(WOOD TV8) Scary I drink your acid...I DRINK IT UP (94)
Gizmodo Cool Coolest picture of a field with 1,301 florescent bulbs, all glowing, powered solely from the magnetic fields produced by the power lines above, you'll see today (272)
Yahoo Obvious Gunman kills 4 at Tennesee ... why is it so much bigger of a news story if the next words are college campus instead of apartment building, as was the case here? (75)
SMH Sick 5'9" student leaves Maine for a year in Egypt as a foreign exchange student. Host family starves him down to 97 pounds (with scary pic) (252)
BBC Silly Warning - Confessing to your cats that you murdered your wife can now be used as evidence against you (58)
Examiner Amusing U.S. Mint rejects D.C. design for quarter with "Taxation without Representation" slogan. "Biatch Set Me Up" still available (125)
(Some Guy) PSA Dallas bans cellphone use in school zones, which will result in a $200 fine. Still no cure for drivers applying make-up, reading the paper, weaving baskets, etc (62)
SMH Amusing Machete-weilding robbers change their minds about robbing a club after discovering the local biker's club was having a meeting there (42)
SFGate Dumbass Coast Guard helicopter rescues pilot from mountain after he crashes his plane there ... his model plane (25)
(News Observer) Asinine News: Man bursts into college classroom with a gun and threatens to execute people. Weird: It was just a preparedness drill sponsored by the university. FARK: They didn't bother to tell anyone it was just a drill (112)
Daily Mail Interesting Average parent drives 1,664 miles a year chauffeuring their children around - or slightly longer than the distance from London to Istanbul (61)
AJC Hero Father of the year. No really (496)
(Some Guy) Spiffy 5.56 > 7.62 ? (571)
1010WINS Cool Math chairman donates √$3,600,000,000,000,000 to university (80)
Breitbart.tv Spiffy You're a mom whose child is complaining his teacher is mean. You C) Bug your kid's backpack and record the teacher saying "You are all stupid kids" (187)
(Union Leader) Asinine Teenage girl defies her father's curfew by crawling out bathroom window, calling police and having him arrested (102)
Breitbart.tv Followup Cop who was served “pot burger” extremely upset that the perps received no jail time from Judge Dumbledore (w/video) (161)
Yahoo Interesting The Humane Society sues the USDA over legal loophole involving sick cattle. To err is human, to forgive bovine (46)
(Some Guy) Sad Play on drummer: Buddy Miles dies at 60 (85)
Breitbart.com Stupid Faced with a shortage of managers, hotel chain conducts "speed recruiting" drive featuring three-minute interviews. What could possibly go wrong? (35)
(defense tech) Interesting In a conference call with bloggers this morning, the Army outlined the newest version of its Field Manual (FM 3-0 Army Operations), the first revision of Army doctrine since 2001. Wait ... the Army has conference calls with bloggers? (19)
CBS San Francisco Stupid University of California gets restraining order against animal rights activists who have targeted researchers and vandalized facilities. There, that'll stop 'em (53)
Guardian.com Stupid The US Congress, having solved all problems foreign and domestic, asked the Justice Department today to investigate whether Roger Clemens lied under oath (69)
(Channel 4) Scary Authorities in England have discovered three small packages that may contain radioactive material (66)
The Smoking Gun Unlikely The FDA wants to blow away a powdered energy drink mix called Blow, seeing as how their efforts worked so well against Cocaine (133)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Asinine: Cop allows dog to attack suspect who is cooperating. Obvious: Cop plants drugs on now injured suspect. Dumbass: He did it all in plain view of his dashboard video recorder. Cop on video trifecta now in play (330)
Kansas.com Dumbass Today's teacher on student sex brought to you by Buhler, Kansas. Bonus: she's a foreign exchange student. Double bonus: he's the second Buhler High teacher to be busted this year (with hittable pic) (216)
Boston Globe Photoshop Photoshop an astonished Boston Red Sox player, Dustin Pedroia (63)
(Idaho Press) Cool Today's smokin' hot substitute teacher/softball coach caught playing pepper with a student brought to you by Boise, Idaho (156)
(Some Guy) Strange Today's story of fifty cats crawling all over a psychiatric hospital brought to you by the Whitby Mental Health Centre (55)
(Some Guy) Strange Today's story of eleven chickens, one rabbit, two dogs, two cats, one mean gray parrot, one horse, six fish and one psychotic white rooster brought to you by Myrtle Beach, SC (40)
ABC News Obvious "Having kids is a way of self-medicating. It is a distraction and a diversion from the inner feeling of emptiness" (359)
Yahoo Ironic Despite what you have been reading on Fark, many teachers lack training necessary for sexual education (122)
(wsoctv.com) Amusing South Carolina finally to recognize the end of slavery... and ratify that Constitution thingy... install indoor plumbing... admit the Earth is round (255)
MSNBC Obvious A stewardess, um, er, flight attendant gives some tips on how not to be a dick when you fly (476)
BBC Amusing The pickup truck is becoming popular in the UK. No word on if mud flaps, truck testicles and mobile home parks have been added (184)
ABC News Followup Exxon asks for the Valdez fines to be lowered, pleading that they have been having to light their cigars with $50 bills instead of hundies (259)
CBS Chicago Obvious Family calls 911 to report supicious vehicle, cops arrive, don't notice security camera, good times ensue (274)
(Tennessee) Stupid Ninth-grader charged and sent before judge for stealing 40-cent school lunch -- and the school had already given him reduced lunch so his family could pay a $78,000 bill for brain surgery (513)
Sun Sentinel Followup Apparently, Florida's electric grid is controlled by a single switch (116)
My San Antonio Interesting Police to use rubber bullets to deter coyotes. Coyotes to counter by using Acme bulletproof vests (68)
(Some Guy) Asinine Six-year-old suspended from school because his mohawk was a distraction to other students. Hold on a second... THIS JUST IN: Six-year-olds now have attention spans (301)
Philly Strange "Dear Abby, I'm afraid to have kids with my husband because he's so ugly, and he was a really ugly kid" (245)
(Sky News) Obvious If your lawyer opens your defense by claiming that 9/11 was an inside job, you might want to re-think your choice of counsel (378)
CBS New York Amusing Girl ignites her science teacher's ponytail, gets herself charged criminally and expelled. Now we can turn our focus to what's really important -- the science teacher was a GUY (248)
Boston Herald Scary Boston toll workers to be stripped of their sidearms. In other news, Boston toll collectors are armed (158)
Washington Post Interesting The New York Philharmonic is performing in North Korea. North Korean state news reports that the glorious Kim Jong Il has assumed the responsibility of conductor, first violin, nailing the flutist (113)
(Some Guy) Scary Community branches out to man who was impaled by a tree. Doctors would be going out on a limb if they assessed his condition, but it could be that the tree's bark was worse than its bite (69)
SFGate Weird The famously eerie tale of nine dead Russian hikers, with all the bizarre details you can handle (316)
(Some Dead Prosecutor) Interesting Why don't you, Mr. Hansen and NBC, have a seat right over there... at the Defendant's table (728)
(pitch.com) Amusing Television reporter gets a dose of her own hidden-camera-style medicine and finds it "uncool" (with video) (67)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this adult beverage (62)
My Fox DC Amusing Special red DUI license plates proposed for MD drunk drivers. TN stays old school with 24 hours of roadside cleanup while wearing orange vests emblazoned with the phrase, "I Am a Drunk Driver" (112)
(nbc10) Spiffy Lost your job? No problem. Run a home casino where your stripper wife is the topless dealer (85)
USA Today Obvious Supreme Court to issue a Second Amendment decision today. Fark discussion boards to be filled with sane, rational comments by trained lawyers familiar with every detail of the case (823)
(Some Guy) Sad There's a growing shortage of male teachers. Many men who enter the profession say they quit because of worries that innocuous contact with students could be misconstrued (308)
AFP Sick French man goes to jail for 20 years for giving his chocolate mousse some bite. Mind you, mousse bites can be nasty (64)
Space Interesting Big yellow dot to grow bigger and gobble up smaller blue dot, in seven billion years -- plenty of time left for human race to wakka wakka wakka (110)
(Some Guy) Scary Boy discovers human femur during hike, does not find the situation humerus (51)
Chicago Tribune Sad Adman who created McDonald's "I'm lovin' it" campaign: I'm endin' it (180)
(Some Guy) Florida The Otis of Niceville starts to change his clothes in middle of Waffle House; explains to police "You know how I am when I'm drunk" (41)
(FOX6) Stupid Taking too long in the bathroom? That's a stabbin' (40)
Sky.com Amusing Florists in England recall thousands of Mother's Day bouquets, and not fondly, after finding them infested with spiders and other bugs -- so many, they even scared the crap out of the garbage-truck drivers hired to haul them to the dump (61)
USA Today Unlikely An Alaska village is suing oil, power and coal companies, claiming their contributions to global warming threaten the community's existence (66)
ABC News Unlikely Jack Daniel's Master Distiller to retire after 40 years. Hopefully the new guy will know how to make a whiskey you'd actually want to drink (pic) (275)
Metro Strange Woman who was told she couldn't have kids actually turns out to have a TARDIS for a uterus. With pic of all nine of her adorable, perfectly normal-looking brood (155)
National Post Dumbass Over $1.3M in public funds were spent on defending bad cop from guilty verdict. About $2 were spent on the courtroom portraits (41)
BBC Interesting Apparently, in addition to designing flying machines and painting masterpieces, Leonardo Da Vinci dabbled in writing "board games for dummies" books (15)
CBC Interesting Quebec woman dies while engaging in "out of the ordinary" sexual practices using "very particular" accessories, acoording to police, who add, "ooh-la-la" (120)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this RF equipment (51)
News.com.au Silly Veteran cop, ashamed of drunk-driving conviction, hides in court toilet for two hours before emerging to cheers of other defendants (95)
Denver Post Amusing I was doing WHAT with a 72-year-old man? Mugshot goodness (87)
(Some Guy) Stupid To justify the rising cost of tuition, a Texas university gives all incoming freshmen iPhones (124)
AP Weird Prisoner who had sex change suing because she's turning back into a man. Specifically, she's turning into Geddy Lee (153)
BBC Interesting "Misleading" TV ad for Nutella pulled after suggesting the product may be edible (243)

Tue February 26, 2008
SFGate Interesting According to the U.S. Geological Survey, "There are few free-roaming African lions and tigers between Florida and San Francisco." In other news, beware of Snakes on the Plains (108)
(KYW 1060) Cool Ugly ass baby sifaka born at Philadelphia Zoo. After reading the article, submitter still doesn't know what the hell a sifaka is (52)
News.com.au Spiffy Old and busted: trying to hide your marijuana crop in a remote location. New Hotness: growing it like a hedge in your back yard (91)
Fox News Stupid 3rd grade class gets pat-down search over missing $5. Hilarity ensues (92)
(Belfast Telegraph) Sad Community shocked after shooting victim dumped at church. Pew Pew Pew (66)
(wsoctv.com) Scary Man with knife threatens woman. Woman's husband shoots at assailant, misses. Hops in SUV to chase man down, doesn't miss this time... or the next... or the next (385)
Yahoo Misc Iran builds rocket from scratch in 9 months, has no life, needs to get out more (94)
BBC NewsFlash Earthquake shakes the UK. US scientists struggle to determine magnitude after metric conversion (204)
Daily Mail Sappy Slow news day: Spaniel can balance coasters, CDs, yogurt cups, sponges, and plastic bottles on her paws and nose (39)
WVEC Dumbass Man arrested for putting nude pics of himself on cars in grocery store parking lot (w/mugshot) (95)
(Some Guy) Stupid It's hard to have much sympathy for a family whose pet python ate their dog, considering the snake ate the family cat and guinea pig just weeks earlier (86)
(So Good) Strange Man vows to eat all twelve McDonald's Value Meals at once... if 100,000 people join his Facebook group (128)
Stuff Followup Drug funding agency tells people on scientifically debunked anti-depressants not to panic. In fact, they have another pill for that (203)
WFTV Florida Stripper makes up story about being carjacked so her deputy dad doesn't throw her out for missing curfew (with photos) (192)
(Some Guy) Silly Today's incoherent headline: "Clouds made yesterday meant chill stuck aroundly." Move zig for great justice (83)
(Some Guy) Followup Overflowing the "politicans wearing stuff" trifecta, here's Calvin Coolidge in a Indian headdress (59)
(Drinks International) Dumbass French court rules Heineken's website illegal, tells them to go away or it will taunt them again (78)
NBC 11 Stupid Teens steal beer; leave trail for cops to follow. Trail of beers (65)
Canoe Amusing New drug called Obay that would allow parents to control the minds of their children turns out to be a viral ad. Should have taken Farkitrol instead (106)
Wall Street Journal Amusing Nader can't run for the Green Party this year; they've already selected a less embarrassing candidate with a better chance of winning: Good old Cynthia "I Hate Jews" McKopslapper (259)
The Onion Obvious Diebold accidentally leaks the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election (130)
(WGAL) Scary Citing a near flawless record, Three Mile Island seeks a 20-year operational extension (219)
(Columbia Daily Tribune) Dumbass Missouri man leads cops on slow-speed chase because he was afraid of getting tased. Don't make me say it, bro (56)
Orlando Sentinel Dumbass Not news: Man who was arrested for DUI gets a break and is released to the custody of his sister. News: He is arrested again four hours later for crashing his car into a state owned maintenance tractor (29)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Mary Worth (117)
National Review Scary Sen. Larry Craig (R-ough Trade) is looking for interns (214)
Philly Amusing A list of lies tour guides in Philadelphia routinely tell. Some of them are pretty awesome, including a myth that trees were planted along streets so illiterate people would know the name of streets. So Pine Street was lined with pine trees, etc (209)
(Chattanoogan) Amusing In response to Georgia's attempted land grab across their shared border, the Mayor of Chattanooga responds by sending them much-needed water. Fark: A single truckload of water. Bonus: pens the best proclamation in city history (402)
Guardian.com Followup Completing the politicians wearing Muslim thingees trifecta, here's Britain ex-PM John Major in a turban (84)
(cfnews13.com) NewsFlash Power goes off in FL. News media goes batshiat, forgetting that nobody can see their TV reports or read their websites (342)
AZCentral Obvious In an attempt to control the booming population, South Africa reverses ban on killing elephants. Pisses off a bunch of people that don't live there (145)
Reuters Asinine FCC fines FOX affiliates $7000 for pixelated boobies, but only the ones that received complaints. In other news, you can broadcast anything you want as long you never open your mail (123)
Wonkette Followup You've seen Obama in a Kenyan tribesman costume, but have you seen Hillary dressed in a Muslim hijab? (245)
CBS Pittsburgh Asinine If you drive the Pennsylvania Turnpike, be aware that the turnpike's overlords, who answer to no man and no force of nature, are using $300,000 of your toll dollars to tell you how great they are (99)
Reuters Weird "Lina, a former worker at a cigarette factory in Indonesia, says she was 17-years-old the first time she was possessed by an evil spirit." (141)
The Raw Story Followup The Clinton campaign challenges Matt Drudge to prove campaign staffers were circulating the picture of Obama dressed in local Kenyan attire (571)
WMCTV Strange Memphis police are looking for suspects named 'Butter Roll' and 'Corn Roll' (110)
CNN Followup Iraqi Parliament condemns Turkey's invasion of their sovereign territory. U.S. looks around, *whistles*... Awkward (86)
Reuters Misc Falling icicles kill six in Russia. Apparently this is an annual hazard... what with the ice and snow and such (52)
Local6 Florida 100 'creepy' voyeur videos of University of Central Florida co-eds posted online prompt school warning (with video) (275)
My Fox DC Amusing Wandering horses jam up tunnel traffic (28)
ABC News Scary The most painful animal bites in the world. Number one: the bullet ant. "Like fire-walking over flaming charcoal with a three-inch rusty nail in your heel" (304)
Chicago Tribune Stupid News has sunk to this: Jamie Lynn gets her GED (196)
(Some Guy) Scary Former exotic dancer and current special education teacher busted for having a hotel party with students. With pic of her hotness (205)
(Metrowest Daily News) Dumbass Man tells cops he shouldn't be arrested for shoplifting because "it was just a prank." Cops wink at one another, reassure man that they'd never arrest a guy over a harmless prank (46)
The Sun Amusing Murder trial halted after juror is flashed by mini-skirted member of the public. And then it gets weird (84)
Washington Post Obvious Newspapers love bedbugs-are-back stories. "The reporters I talk to, it's like they're all rooting for the bedbugs." (81)
UPI Dumbass What's more stupid than driving a car drunk? Driving a car with a missing wheel while drunk (39)
TC Palm Florida Man yells obcenity at police dog, gets arrested for animal cruelty (252)
Local6 Dumbass Man tries to rob store using finger as pretend gun -- outside of his jacket (69)
(Some Guy) Cool Viking women dressed like sluts (243)
CNN Scary Foreclosures rose 57% in January. Those $300 checks that will solve everything don't get here until May (483)
Chicago Sun-Times Interesting Bad: Heavy storms pummel Oregon, cause $60 million in damages. Unexpected surprise: severity of storms reveal historical finds, like shipwrecks, ghost forests and historic cannons (73)
(Some Guy) Amusing Buffalo TV station error gives Oscar viewers live audio feed of snarky station personnel. The FCC will not be amused by their take on Best Director (74)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this napper and his storage facilities (46)
SacBee Scary 16-year old girl's text messages from inside of car foil kidnapping. Bonus "Yetis Gone Wild" mughsot goodness (128)
(My Fox Orlando) Interesting Starbucks to close every store in the country today for three hours to train uninterested baristas. America horrified by the fact they will have to make their own coffee for three hours –- with no training at all (308)
USA Today Sad Among 1,200 students surveyed: only 43% knew the Civil War was fought between 1850 and 1900, only 52% could identify the theme of "1984", and yet all could identify Britney as a trailer trash pop princess (310)
TC Palm Florida Serial panty thief strikes yet again, this time netting five hundred. Oh, the huge panty raid (63)
Reuters Dumbass Remember when McCain said that withdrawing from Iraq would amount to surrender and give Islamic extremists a propaganda victory? Turns out he was just kidding (134)
(ABC 6 Philadelphia) Scary Today's seven-year-old with 70 grams of cocaine at school brought to you by Trenton, NJ (57)
(Some Guy) Weird British woman keeps 75 hibernating tortoises in her refrigerator. No wonder English food is so bad (33)
(Green Bay Press Gazette) Dumbass Wisconsin man attempts to clear snow off of his driveway using a torch. Hilarity ensues (60)
News.com.au Stupid News: Tennis player banned from club because she grunts too loudly when she hits the ball. Fark: She's nine (154)
(Some Guy) Obvious Nearly a third of Britons have not gone to the dentist during the past two years in latest exclusive from Fark's European bureau chief Ric McRomero (43)
(Some Vixen) Amusing Astute readers will notice that the Reindeer Races are followed by the Reindeer Sausage Eating Contest (25)
Telegraph Amusing "I Was Tortured By the Pygmy Love Queen" or "Cheese Problems Solved"? Bookseller Magazine releases its shortlist of the weirdest book titles of the year (29)
(Some Stylin' Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this concerned model and her serious stylist (63)
Telegraph Obvious "Rampant commercialism is transforming children into selfish materialists with little sense of their own worth." (177)
ABC News Dumbass Protesters climb onto plane, taunt William Shatner (94)
CNN Interesting Looking for a new job? Don't go to any of these states (272)

Mon February 25, 2008
Guardian.com Scary Who is allowed to break in to your house? If you're in England, the answer is there are 266 powers allowing officials to enter your home, and not all require a warrant (128)
Stuff Amusing German tourist photographed tagging glaciers in New Zealand, is forced to remove his "artwork" while passers-by verbally abuse him (113)
Metro Obvious Have a cold? The media would like you to know you may actually have a malfuctioning boiler and you may soon be dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. EVERYBODY PA (42)
KNBC Ironic There are ironic stories perfect for Fark, and then there is this one (146)
Daily Mail Sad Sex education could be made compulsory for five-year-olds in Nanny State, depriving them of the sort of schoolyard misinformation that haunts submitter to this day (111)
(myFOXaustin) Dumbass Not news: Woman arrested for crossing security barricade. News: Barricade was set up by Secret Service for Obama rally. Fark: Woman throws egg salad at Agent during arrest. Video of egg assault included (86)
Daily Mail Interesting Blood tests reveal whiter-than-white repo man in Halifax is great-great-grandson of Indian king (w/ pasty-skinned pic goodness) (45)
AP Obvious Someone thought we needed a study to tell us that antibiotics are overused (90)
NYPost Strange EMT punches a restrained patient in the face for drooling on him (95)
News.com.au Strange Witch who was hung from a tree after being accused of sorcery gave birth to her baby while struggling to free herself (130)
USA Today Stupid Global warming being blamed for a lack of truffles. OH THE HUMANITY (90)
CBS Sacramento Spiffy Trade school dedicated to growing pot opens in Oakland. Topics include the legality of setting traps to keep pesky kids out of the garden, "cooking with cannabis," and how to dump and flush in one smooth motion (61)
Canoe Amusing Family sets a world record for having 18 siblings all over 65 and all collecting pensions (22)
Chicago Tribune Scary Foreclosure auction winner discovers former owners' son's skeleton sitting upright in the corner of a bedroom inside the house (98)
(Gay.com) Interesting Gay Jamaicans flee to Toronto. MON MON MON (105)
News.com.au Dumbass TV network's head of news to female journalist: "To make it in this game, women have to be farkable" (211)
AJC Asinine City of Atlanta set to provide five $300,000, state-of-the-art, technologically advanced public toilets for homeless persons to use. That's right, Costanza - like a jet engine. WHOOOOOSH (95)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Anne Sweeney, the president of the Disney-ABC television group, claims: “You don’t need TiVo if you have fast-forward-disabled video on demand. It gives you the same opportunity to catch up to your favorite shows.” (191)
(kfor-tv) Obvious If you post your resume on monster, get a reply from a TV station that "knows how you can make $84k/yr a by working at home", Just assume its too good to be true (100)
Free Press Obvious Michigan legislator wins $2 million from state lottery game. Coincindentally her committee's oversight includes the state lottery (64)
Miami Herald Florida You know who else liked to fatally bite scuba diving lawyers from Austria? (76)
NYPost Amusing Mom with Leap Year birthday will deliver baby on February 29th. Frederic wants to talk about the child's apprenticeship. (Complete with yummy mummy pic.) (175)
WRAL Strange The guy who killed Michael Jordan's father plans to withdraw his guilty plea so he can get resentenced and then paroled. His 1993 guilty plea (60)
ABC News Sad Nearly one-half of all Americans have left the faith they were raised in, becoming damn dirty atheists or even worse, Unitarians (762)
UPI Spiffy Nude man and two women engage in threesome while driving down the Trans Canada Highway. Driver faces charges for driving without due care and attention, despite eyewitness reports that he was at full attention while driving (111)
(Some Allergic Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these yellow... things (65)
Denver Post Amusing Judge so angered by lawyers he overturns $51 million verdict and orders them to pay legal fees. Not enough sand (128)
Yahoo Obvious Media admits it never runs anything negative about Obama, but promises they're looking real hard for the tiniest imperfection and if they ever find it, they'll nail him (306)
MSNBC Interesting Archeologists find 5,500 year old structure in Peru, almost as old as time itself (198)
The Scotsman Sad It's getting so you can't even ride your motorcycle around town without SUV drivers screaming "I'm going to kill you" before running you off the road and then attacking you with a hammer (140)
(India Daily) Hero Scientists find evidence of extraterrestrials in galaxy 13,230 million light years away (399)
Valleywag Video Pakistan bans YouTube for these videos of Muhammad (113)
MSNBC Spiffy Men everywhere rejoice as gene relating to baldness identified. Possibility of cure, end to painful Hair-Looming process (92)
FARK PSA Office prank thread. Post your best ideas or past experiences. More bonus points for waterboarding (416)
UPI Obvious The turnover rate of TSA airport security screeners is 2 1/2 times that of other federal workers, proving the Taco Bell gig they go back to wasn't so bad after all (123)
SFGate Interesting TV ratings for this year's Oscars drooped lower than Ruby Dee's knockers (110)
CBS Miami Florida Three words: Confederate Flag Plates. Dumbass tag superceded yet again by big brother Florida tag (246)
(Deseret News) Obvious Casual farking swearing on serious goddamn increase among shiat-mouthed teenagers (131)
CBS New York NewsFlash Today's campus with a possible gunman brought to you by Stony Brook University (158)
Chicago Tribune Asinine From Prostitutes to Superbowl tickets, how defense contractors cheated the US government of millions and put our troops at risk. Hint: They charged up to $45 per can of soda (201)
Komo Stupid Two teenagers are suspended from school for "gang-related behavior" because they were wearing crucifixes (163)
(Some Guy) Scary Jesus Christ it's a circus lion, get in the clown car (56)
(OnePhatKatt) Amusing Today's idiot theives caught by tracks in the snow brought to you by Van Buren, MI (28)
(Some Guy) Cool Teen builds mother of all snow forts in his front yard after asking city crews to drop truckloads of snow there. Now it's big enough for 20 people. Tag is for him and it (pics) (142)
(Press Citizen) Dumbass Man fired for requesting prostitutes at a casino uses the “They said it's just like Vegas, so I thought I was in Vegas" defense. Learns that the “stays in Vegas” part of the slogan is not available in Iowa (72)
Lancashire Evening Post Amusing Parrot eats prosthetic limb fitted to stop him falling off his perch after owner fails to realise you're supposed to nail them down (62)
AJC Cool Bar owner builds security robot - lovingly called the "Bumbot" - from old meat smoker to ward off local ruffians. You have 30 seconds to comply (111)
Fox News Unlikely Man buys four strands of hair reputed to be George Washington's for $17K; no buyers for Grover Cleveland's dandruff or Richard Nixon's toenail clippings (52)
(Some Guy) Obvious Photo of Obama dressed in tribal garb conveniently reaches Internet. Just kidding, Clinton campaign is circulating it in last minute hit job, Obama = Muslim-mania continues (824)
Daily Mail Amusing Five cops drove to seaside resorts and took pictures of each other on fairground rides while on duty. This would make a pretty good movie, but the ending needs some work (22)
St. Pete Times Florida Idiots spend $3,000 on their little crotchfruit's first birthday party. "I want him to know how important and special I think he is," explains mother (305)
(Some Guy) Ironic News: Generic newspaper story about local spelling bee. Fark: Springfield Christian Academy student eliminated due to misspelling of "academy" (58)
CNN Dumbass Clarence Thomas, surely picked for the Supreme Court based solely on his legal ability, has not uttered a word in oral arguments in more than two years, spanning 142 cases (241)
CNN Asinine CNN and Oprah.com lists 10 ways men can act to get out of relationships with women who read Oprah.com (292)
Yahoo Strange Problem: Lots of riots and barfights in Berlin. Solution: Buy shoes for the police dogs (31)
SuperDeluxe Amusing Who's a hotter sunbather: Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson or Queen Elizabeth? (183)
(Autoblog) Scary Explosion reported at Porsche factory. It's 911 all over again (151)
(Some 411 Guy) Followup Take Two to EA's $2 billion buyout offer: Do Not Want (146)
London Times Strange World's most impressive job title: "Prince and Grand Master of the Sovereign Military Hospitaller Order of St John of Jerusalem, of Rhodes and of Malta, Most Humble Guardian of the Poor of Jesus Christ" (189)
Time Obvious GOP conducting polling on how far they can go when attacking blacks, women (512)
MDN Asinine If you are claiming to be blind to claim benefits, don't describe the color of the car that just ran you down (77)
(Some Guy) Obvious Oakland holds gun buyback program, offering $250 per weapon. Program works as well as these always do, removing guns from gun dealers and senior citizens at an assisted living facility (320)
BBC Scary International flight diverts, lands safely after co-pilot collapses and dies mid-flight. Aircraft involved is a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels and looks like a big Tylenol (157)
Yahoo Interesting Online auction listings down 13% in boycott of eBay. A+++++++ Would boycott again (227)
The Sun Cool Man crashes Cesna 172 in front garden, pilot steps out and says "Sorry to drop in on your like this", orders a martini shaken, not stirred (50)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this little guy on a big rock (45)
BBC Interesting Cost of new three-mile road to rise by £1.7m after colony of protected amphibians found. It's not newts, it's Fark.com (57)
MDN Strange Japanese prisoner commits suicide by stabbing himself in the head with a chopstick. You can't stop a ninja (101)
Daily Mail Dumbass You're a care worker and two of your elderly charges get in a scuffle. Do you a) break it up, b) get help, or c) get out your cell phone and film the granny fight (87)
(Record Online) Asinine Woman looks out window one morning, sees Jesus Christ in her tree. It's not news, it's bark (148)
BBC Misc 20,000 litres of buttermilk spills into river after road tanker crash. Trained counselors dispatched to prevent locals from needlessly shedding tears (34)
The Sun Strange House set on fire by couple's pet ... tortoise? (w/ pic of armored arsonist) (65)
News.com.au Asinine Pets at risk of self-harm are increasingly being prescribed anti-depressants because they cannot discuss problems in their lives with others (96)
(Some Guy) Obvious "Fish and chips" banned from school books in New Zealand in effort to get children to eat healthier (50)
(NYT) Asinine Fewer teens are getting licenses to drive partly because parents are driving their precious snowflakes everywhere. Corey Haim surrenders (190)
PCWorld Amusing EA Offers to buy Take-Two for two billion dollars (116)
The Sun Dumbass Cathay Pacific pilot loses job after buzzing runway at 28 feet in 777 jet as a dare – with chairman of Cathay Pacific on board (115)
(Some Guy) Unlikely "60 Minutes" story on the dubious prosecution of former Alabama governor Don Siegelman goes black in Alabama due to "technical problem" (130)
(WPVI) Asinine Hit me in the face with a snowball? That's a shootin' (in the face) (64)
Fox News Asinine United Nations wants every one to eat bugs (121)
(Some (con)Fusion Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this dude doing whatever the hell he's doing (37)
(Some Guy) Obvious Hungry bears eating people in Slovakia. Stephen Colbert was ahead of the curve on this one (75)
(Stars and Stripes) Obvious Army develops the unmanned "Crusher," seven tons of all-terrain, armored vehicle that's just dying to enter the next Monster Truck Rally (197)