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Sun September 14, 2008
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Weird Woman was putting together a scrapbook this summer to give her husband on their 40th anniversary next month. That's when she learned they were never married (27)
(Gazette.com) Hero Protip: If you want to go out and behead some Christians with a knife, pick one who won't hit you in the face so hard you lose an eye (219)
(Free Press) Scary First grader brings loaded gun to school in Detroit- no word on whether he was given a gold star or suspended (41)
(News.com.au) Dumbass Opening a can of fuel with a cigarette dangling from your mouth. What could possibly go wrong? (29)
(Daily Express) Scary Nanny state develops speed camera that can follow drivers for six miles (77)
(AP) Obvious Ike appears to have damaged many oil production platforms in the Gulf of Mexico, and several large pipelines. Weary consumers know the drill, and assume the position (111)
(Some Guy) Dumbass You're a cop looking for an escaped criminal. Do you C. Enter an uninvolved, innocent woman's house without her knowledge and shoot her dog while she's taking a shower? (227)
(The Sun) Amusing Check out Scooter the chihuahua skipping along like a baby kangaroo - after learning to walk on his hind legs (17)
(The Sun) Amusing A parrot is ruffling feathers at a County Durham zoo by telling the visitors to 'f*** off' (53)
(News.com.au) Obvious Woman is so desperate for love, she's advertising her desire for a date on a billboard. "The reason I'm still single is that I'm very particular" (193)
(Patrick) Photoshop Photoshop these pillows (35)
(Some Hanging Chad) Florida Palm Beach County elections officials prove they're ready to screw-up another Presidential election (63)
(Telegraph) Obvious Italian man catches priest in bed with his wife. Holy fark (104)
(Boing Boing) Interesting New bottled water company is selling NY tap water in bottles and filling up people's empties as a way of pointing out how people have gone stupid (111)
(Some Guy) Obvious Prince Harry voted 'coolest' member of Royal family. Camilla stomps hooves, demands recount (59)
(Denver Post) Interesting If you're going to call someone a homosexual slur because he's wearing tight, white jeans, snakeskin shoes and a fairy necklace, first make sure that guy isn't trained in boxing (393)
(TBO) Florida An evening of drinking mixed with a misunderstanding about a girlfriend is never a good combination (45)
(tmj4) Asinine Milwaukee residents gather to protest plans for a Church's Chicken in their neighborhood because it's food is not healthy. While the drug dealing, shootings, and unemployment in the same neighborhood is apparently okay (141)
(Arkansas Democrat-Gazettte) Asinine Arkansas school separates boys from girls in classroom to help girls discuss the problems without distraction from boys. Classes on sandwich making and how to clean your feet after a long day on the kitchen floor expected to be big hits (139)
(Some Guy) Cool These people did not have hangovers when they created this art (60)
(Some Guy) Asinine When asked why he tasered an 18-year-old pregnant woman and a town firefighter, cop says he meant no harm to either of the two and had the Taser turned to very low power. "He was just playing around" (113)
(The Herald) Dumbass Two charged with SNWI (39)
(The Local (Sweden)) Obvious Swedish teens at a co-ed boarding school engaging in raunchy hazing rituals with bananas and chocolate prompts outrage on the part of school officials and envy on the part of the submitter (46)
(Daily Express) Ironic Animal lover dies after being scratched by rat she was trying to free from bird feeder. IT'S LIKE RAIIIIIIINNNNN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY (127)
(Canada.com) Spiffy Canadians found to be "the happiest people in the world." Hey - we're wealthier, healthier, live longer, have less stress and are more adventurous in bed than Americans. What's not to like? Tag is for us (318)
(BBC) Followup Rescue operation begins in Texas to rescue the sort of morans who sneered at people who wouldn't evacuate New Orleans before Katrina hit (183)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this holey tower (47)
(Dallas News) Followup Bullet analysis casts doubt on lone gunman in JFK assassination. This is not a repeat from 1963 (192)
(Newsday) Sad Capt. Frank Mundus, the man who inspired the character of Quint in Jaws, dead at 82. Farewell and adieu (56)
(AP) Obvious You know who else returned to Berlin? (60)
(Yahoo) Dumbass Bullying is the top health concern of parents of overweight children. Apparently "losing weight to avoid bullying" is far too difficult a concept for these morons to understand (296)
(CTV) Obvious "Researchers from [the] Ohio State University found television viewers who watch fake news programs are less informed about issues and candidates in election campaigns than those who watch network news shows." (121)
(Daily Mail) Scary Angry axe-wielding villagers in Peru mistake British tour group for mining company surveyors. Hilarity ensues (68)
(Some Guy) Interesting Fire marshal forced to resign after giving two lap dances to a female co-worker and complimented her appearance on her birthday. That's hot (42)
(The Times of India) Spiffy Eating veggies shrinks the brain. Suck it, PETA (125)
(Daily Star) Interesting Revealed: Britain's worst joke. (It's not Glasgow) (144)
(AP) Sad Plane carrying 88 crashes in Russia. Palin confirms after seeing from home in Alaska (117)
(Daily Mail) Amusing The Church of England will tomorrow officially apologise to Charles Darwin for misunderstanding his theory of evolution and biting his style [w/pic] (260)
(Guy who no like sexy with grannys) Sick Elementary nurse has sex with three boys with OMFG what were they thinking pics (125)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this projector (27)
(Some Guy) Obvious Why tartan - not to mention that swampwater they call "whisky" - is holding Scotland back from being a leader in stuff that people who live in first-world countries care about (63)
(LiveLeak) Scary Your daily HOLY shiat video: being overtaken by a car going at relativistic velocities. Complete with "I think I soiled my pants" sounds (146)
(Gizmodo) Cool What happens when architects are given Photoshop and they forget the laws of physics? (88)
(Stuff) Spiffy German city adds two Porsche Cayennes to its fire rescue team. Cool for the guys driving, asinine for the taxpayers. We'll call the tag a draw (64)
(AZCentral) Spiffy There are about 30 homeless people in Beverly Hills, and the locals like Mark Wahlberg and Master P give them handouts of $2,000, bottles of Dom Perignon, and diamond-encrusted bracelets (80)
(Some Guy) Interesting More and more men are becoming priests at mid-life. What ever happened to buying a Corvette and finding a trophy wife? (59)

Sat September 13, 2008
(SMH) Interesting German man "sells his partner" as a sex slave to his neighbor for a crate of beer. Asinine tag pending until we find out what brand (124)
(PNJ) Florida Allah told you to watch Bruce Willis and walk the dog naked? That's a taserin' (58)
(Some Guy) Interesting "Thieves make off with live power line". Police are shocked, no positive leads yet. Probably stole them for the joules (75)
(NewsOK) Dumbass Two drunk attorneys go the wrong way through a Whataburger drive though, get arrested. Includes amusing video where they beg to go to county jail (86)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these proud landowners (67)
(UPI) Cool Chicago proposes giant Ferris wheel. Will be powered by a Ferrari engine and only run in reverse (76)
(Telegraph) Dumbass Guy driving 38-ton truck erratically down highway wasn't drunk, he was watching "Battlestar Galactica" (72)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Jesse Ventura: "Government not telling the truth about 9/11". With video goodness (860)
(Fox News) Silly Money don't buy brains dept.: Idiot sues for broken umbrella he claims is worth $5000. Bonus: judge fines attorney for waste of judicial resources (59)
(Some Gal going to hell) Amusing Good clean fun with a church sign generator (voting now enabled) (382)
(Some Farker) Followup Joe8122's son makes the paper. Talks about Fark too (254)
(KATU) Interesting I saw 700 turtles. In one house (pic) (60)
(Buffalo News) Hero Bills fan drops $100,000 check to food bank to see if Bills owner would keep promise about "matching" gifts. Owner says "bring it on, no cap here" (133)
(New York Daily News) Obvious New York City has Broadway, superb shopping, the finest art galleries, the most diverse and stylish denizens - but if you want hot-looking people, go to Miami (76)
(Boston Herald) Dumbass Man sues Amtrak for parking trains in a station where any drunk idiot could find them (46)
(TC Palm) Cool After being released from jail on his marijuana possession charge, Ron White sends pizzas to sheriff and jailers (130)
(Houston Chronicle) Scary Best Hurricane Ike photo yet (122)
(Some Guy) Strange It's not every day that a speeding hamster in an exercise ball passes cars on the highway during rush hour traffic. This, however, is that day (56)
(Slate) Stupid Actual headline: "What happens if you fall into a black hole? You die." If only stupidity were that lethal (118)
(MSNBC) Followup Russian troops withdraw from western Georgia, may occupy Alabama (32)
(modbee.com) Amusing Robbers with clever plan to steal the entire cash register during robbery fail to anticipate one small thing: cash registers are heavy (16)
(Some Guy) Strange When disputes between landlords and tenants go hilariously bad: "He was supposed to pay me $800 a month, but he only ever paid me $200 to $300 a week" (62)
(BBC) Weird Brits standed by failed airline are now being flown back to UK -- by the lead singer of Iron Maiden (95)
(WIBC.com) Cool Farmers in Afghanistan have forgotten how to grow anything but opium. Lucky for them, the National Guard has lots of farmers (60)
(Telegraph) Amusing The highlight of any falconry exhibition comes when the bird mistakes a man's toupee for a squirrel (26)
(CBS Chicago) Strange Office supplies in your sandwich? Yeah, we got that (20)
(Seacoastonline.com) Amusing Eau De Humanity (38)
(Seattle Times) Strange Old and busted: teen dance raves. New hotness: teen "poncea," where teens compete to make out with as many people as they can. For those of you who don't speak Spanish, poncea roughly translates to "Lindsay Lohan" (113)
(Some Guy) Obvious Residents are shocked to learn that some young drivers enjoy setting the high score on radar speed displays (71)
(Some Guy) Photoshop You're doing it wrong: Photoshop people using the wrong tool to do a common task. LGT inspiration (86)
(Reuters) Ironic Pope Benedict, leader of the Catholic church, which has a net worth estimated to be in the tens of billions of dollars, is upset that the world bows to the false idols of money and power (502)
(Some Guy) Amusing As Ike pounds Texas, a streaker in Beaumont sees his chance. Also, this is your new Hurricane Ike thread. Evacuees may post without wearing pants (325)
(Marketwatch) Interesting North Shore Animal League declares Catober 1st the universal birthday for shelter cats, even if it won't fall on Caturday until 2011 (388)
(Boston Channel) Scary Large lizard on the loose in Boston. The "Mystery Science Theater 3000" crew is called into action (133)
(San Bernardino Sun) Fail When the highway patrolman who pulled you over for doing 105 mph confiscates your knives & machine gun, a fistfight is your only option (95)
(The Sun) Interesting I saw a turtle. With two heads (pic) (64)
(Canada.com) Amusing Con man attends country fair, gathers personal info by offering a chance to win a free cruise. To Las Vegas (35)
(London Times) Interesting Sex lives of the Ancient Romans. Giggitus (156)
(Popular Mechanics) Interesting Put. the candle. back. (147)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop these pump people (52)
(appeal-democrat) Asinine Retired judge was three times the legal limit for his 2nd DUI, so they threw the book at him... the law book, so he can do 12 whole days of manual, backbreaking pro-bono legal work instead of prison. Just like anyone else would get (94)
(Local6) Florida Not satisfied with suits against its own members, HOA sues Casey Anthony protesters (71)
(News.com.au) Scary Russian submarines to test-fire intercontinental ballistic missiles. EVERYBODY PANIC (117)
(CBS Chicago) Cool Zero energy solar homes: If the meter arrow points left, you're sending power - if it points right, you're buying it (120)
(azfamily.com) Hero "911, what's your emergency?" "Woof, woof, woof." "We'll send an ambulance right away." (128)
(News.com.au) Scary The first rule of Elementary School Sex Club is you don't talk about Elementary School Sex Club (188)
(Connecticut Post) Scary Cities' drinking water safest in years.... whooooaaaa... duuuuuddee....the colors (56)
(MSNBC) Obvious After last spring's "misplaced" warhead incident, high-cost Pentagon report decisively concludes that it may be time to study the feasability of launching an investigation into possibly overhauling our nuclear controls (36)
(Inside Edition) Obvious In a shocking exposé, Inside Edition discovers that most carnival ride operators are drunk and stoned ex-cons on parole. Romero expected to follow-up with shocking nutrition facts on funnel cakes and corn dogs (102)

Fri September 12, 2008
(ABC News) Scary Major power outages and high winds now hitting Houston. Downtown Galveston under five feet of water before rain even hits. Take a hike, Ike(i.e. Your Hurricane Ike discussion thread) (1410)
(AP) Interesting Not News: Someone wins lottery. Semi-News: Wants to donate $3mil to a charity. Fark: Charity turns it down "because his organization counsels against addictions, including gambling" (111)
(Reuters) Obvious Randy Newman was right (207)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Banker sends out an email requesting an attractive female roommate who will cook and clean for him and move out within a month if he finds a serious girlfriend. "It was either a bad joke or the most sexist thing ever written." (126)
(NJ.com) Amusing NJ man claims diplomatic immunity because he is an aboriginal emperor. Traditional tribal garb includes ugg boots, large sunglasses, and shirts with SLUT written in glitter (38)
(Reuters) Amusing Cool: Chocolate store offers chocolate covered magic mushrooms. Sad: Cops close down the shop. Fark: Customer tries to buy magic mushrooms from officer at the scene (48)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing This week's mugshot roundup. Secret ingredient: Karma (205)
(NewsNet 5) Dumbass Guy steals two cans of beer, gets sent to jail. Bonus: His name is Duff (30)
(WESH Orlando) Florida Woman comes home to find a SUV with two bodies still strapped in it sitting at the bottom of her pool (w/pic) (100)
(KNBC) Scary Your Friday afternoon train wreck thread (182)
(Silicon Alley Insider) Asinine Adventures in journalism: Twittering the funeral of a 3-year-old boy (67)
(AP) Interesting Sounds like a real bad episode of 90210: Mom steals daughter's ID, pretends to be high school cheerleader. Rah (61)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop Challenge: Finish this unfinished painting of Sir Redmund Barry (95)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Illinois priest charged with getting paritioners high on "nose Jesus" (78)
(Daily Mail) Sad Bride dies of a "sore throat" ten days after she got married. Must have been one hell of a honeymoon (102)
(MSNBC) Interesting The 10 smuggest small towns in the US (194)
(Space) Spiffy One small step for man, one giant leap for space based microwave power stations whose beams accidentally wander across your town frying everyone there, except the cranky guy who drinks sterno (98)
(Coloradoan) Obvious Actual headline: "Hurricane Ike expected to have little impact in Fort Collins." No, Colorado can't haz hurricane. Not yours (67)
(Variety) Interesting Obama to make Saturday Night Live appearance this Saturday, lame lipstick jokes expected (132)
(CBC) Spiffy World's oldest polar bear is being treated with sweet confections. Cupcakes: is there anything they can't do? (81)
(Reuters) Scary Russian President Medvedev says he would have flipped NATO the bird and invaded Georgia anyway if it was a NATO member, given the same circumstances. Well isn't THAT interesting (251)
(USA Today) Dumbass Ian Lidman, sat on his front porch and drank a beer. He said he can't evacuate his three dogs so he's staying. "I've got an ax ... I could chip a hole in the roof if I need to." (311)
(Green Daily) Sad Fifteen most repulsive foods in the world. Your dog does NOT want to be steak (warning: graphic dead animal pics in link) (404)
(Huffington Post) Obvious Rupert Murdoch on Bill O'Reilly's constant Olbermann whining: "Bill shouldn't be such a pussy." (218)
(CBS Sacramento) Spiffy Woman invents purse that will thrill pick-pockets everywhere (160)
(Seacoastonline.com) Spiffy *CORRECTION* - King of Maine endorses Obama. Now there's an endorsement (118)
(Fox News) Cool Air Force tests airborne laser gun, but misses the target. In other news, the home of a smarmy physics professor was flooded with popcorn at virtually the exact same time the test occurred (239)
(AP) Florida Father lays pipe to the head of the teenage boy laying pipe to his daughter (568)
(ClusterStock) Interesting Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson to Lehman Brothers: Not saving your sorry ass (113)
(Politico) Unlikely Dem Senate candidate unhappy about ad depicting him as an aging hippy in a smoke-filled VW van. "It could be the engine overheating," said the ad's writer (133)
(News.com.au) Interesting Pakistani generals order troops to kill US forces that may be in that country attacking Taliban militants, nevermind that the only reason they're there is to do the job Pakistan is too incompetent to do (405)
(KHOU Houston) Video Reporter gets a bit too close to the waves from Ike crashing over the Galveston Seawall (170)
(Boone's Farm) PSA If you're furnishing alcohol to your minor boyfriend, you prolly shouldn't engage in a "freelance demolition derby" with him in the driveway (55)
(WHAS11) NewsFlash KY Governor declares State of Emergency due to fights at local gas stations over $1 per gallon price increase (493)
(KHOU Houston) Scary Incredible aerial video of storm waves crashing over the Galveston Seawall (the "oh shiat" shots being around 4:45 in) (223)
(Buffalo News) Asinine We admit it won't end crime or reduce gun violence, but it's still a good idea to spend $50k on a buyback. Bonus: None of the weapons taken in last years buyback was ever tested for involvement in open cases (101)
(Gainesville Sun) Florida Mindless Floridians flock to the pumps as a result of a viral email warning of $5/gal gas due to the storm (121)
(New Scientist) Obvious Religion evolved to help us survive because the tendency to falsely link cause to effect is occasionally beneficial (454)
(AP) Obvious Forecasters: "This storm could kill you". Houstonians: "Meh" (283)
(Google) Photoshop Iron Photoshop ingredient: Soap (62)
(AP) Followup Report: Kim well enough to brush his teeth, beat up Chuck Norris, armwrestle Jesus (63)
(Rocky Mountain News) Amusing Video of people fire bombing strip mall not clear enough to identify suspects, although it did show one of them setting themselves on fire. So that's something (63)
(CBS News) Obvious "The media so far has been the biggest loser in this race. All of the media, not just Fox News, is now being viewed as partisan in one way or another." (455)
(AP) Obvious Officials from several states are urging parents to take their children outside for fresh air every now and then. Do you believe that? OUTSIDE (86)
(CBC) Fail Are you on the terrorist watch list? Just change your name (120)
(Boston Globe) Cool Cops on the lookout for a bland thief after numerous bottles of vanilla extract stolen from Cape Cod supermarket. In other news, common vanilla extract also happens to be 43 proof liquor (101)
(Yorkshire Evening Post) Amusing Probably best not to spend thousands on a robot barman, flank him with gorgeous models, invite the press and then spend the entire photo shoot trying to fix him (59)
(New Statesman) Obvious Former bishop of Edinburgh takes middle road, but notes of neo-atheists that "in their evangelical intensity they bear a marked resemblance to the religious protagonists they most despise" (492)
(TampaBays10.com) Cool Got problems with moochy coworkers stealing your lunch? This'll help (212)
(Telegraph) Scary Nothink whill save the future of our language if this isn't stoped (172)
(BBC) Strange Still smouldering remains of badly burned man found on 11th tee of Scottish golf course, about 455 yards away, was gonna hit about a 2 iron I think (127)
(Boston Globe) Amusing Not news: businessman cleans public bathroom. Fark: he charges the Michigan town $156 for his work (72)
(The Register) Dumbass If some douchebag public servant sends you a take-down notice for a web link, you just hit the jackpot (130)
(Newsweek) Cool With higher fuel prices comes kids rediscovering the joys of walking to school. Uphill, both ways, after working 24 hours a day at mill for fourpence every six years (83)
(NYPost) Stupid Religious sect upset that bike lanes bring scantily clad North Williamsburg hipsters - especially sexy women - through their neighgorho .... oh my G-d, look at that naked ankle (383)
(Some Guy) Caption What are Obama and McCain talking about here? (178)
(Canoe) Ironic A time capsule will help people remember how life was like in 1958. Too bad nobody remembers where it is (49)
(The Sun) Scary You think it's bad when an SUV tries to park in a compact car parking space? Wait until you see what happens when a fighter jet parks there (68)
(The Sun) Amusing Hang-gliding possum is Britain's new must-have pet winning the hearts of owners by flying across living rooms (95)
(examiner.net) Photoshop Photoshop these high school football fans (46)
(SFGate) Dumbass Today's Darwin's award nominee: Cat Burglar, while running from police jumps over three foot wall. With 200 foot drop on the other side (117)
(MSNBC) Florida Central Florida terrorized by frogs. "I told them we should get on our knees and pray, because I think it is a plague. I do" (92)
(Guardian.com) Obvious Last word on Nanny State: "With our claustrophobic little homes it's no wonder people get drunk and stab each other" (62)
(OC Register) Asinine Vacuum salesman sucks (31)
(Chicago Tribune) Interesting Mom argues that a purse ban at her daughter's school is wrong because girls will have to put tampons in their pockets. "Girls that age are easily embarrassed; they don't want people to know they have their period." (221)
(The Sun) Dumbass If you ran up a £5,700 bill calling phone sex chatlines for 27 straight hours during your stay in a hotel then "forgot" to pay the bill, these cops would like a word with you (58)
(The Virginian Pilot) Cool Owner macgyvers his poodle back to life with an oygen tube, stethoscope and some good old-fashioned CPR (43)
(Telegraph) Obvious "Giving birth has become a sort of competitive sport for modern mothers who boast about how long their labour was, how few painkillers they needed and how many pre-natal Pilates classes they had" (160)
(Abc.net.au) Interesting Great news for Farkers: Queen's University in Belfast is now offering a Jedi course in personal development (49)

Thu September 11, 2008
(FARK) Followup From Farker Joe8122: Thank you Fark (DIL & DIT) (288)
(AP) News Venezuela's Chavez orders US ambassador to depart within 72 hours (536)
(Metro) Amusing Thanks to global warming, the seas could soon be filled with giant floating ice penises. Are you happy now? (115)
(Metro) Asinine Baked potatos banned from schools, even though they always obey the dress code and show up with a jacket on (70)
(News.com.au) Misc Ten things your boss hates about you. All the time you spend on Fark surprisingly absent (216)
(Independent) Asinine Old and busted: The devil made me do it. New hawtness: Global warming made me do it. New Farkness: This legal defense worked (76)
(Telegraph) Sick Welcome to Britain's dirtiest flat. Look in amazement at the pile of cigarette butts on the bathroom sink and then see the £5,000 worth of discarded take away containers. Be sure to stop off at the gift shop before you leave (217)
(London Times) Obvious MSM discovers phenomenon of Homestar Runner and Strong Bad emails, tries to explain its popularity (96)
(WRAL) Dumbass Woman wrote a check for $24,072.47 to buy a brand new Camry. Dealer should have probably verify that her account was in an open status (with "It's a man, baby" pic of her (73)
(Marketwatch) Florida Gator and Seminole fans demand apology from Fox Sports after being named most obnoxious in the nation, but all agree they were half-right (217)
(National Weather Service) PSA "Persons not heeding evacuation orders in single family one or two story homes [along the coast] will face certain death." Jeeze, National Weather Service, way to be a debbie downer (247)
(Examiner) Ironic At New York Fashion Week, "Be EcoChic" turned out to be as effective of a mantra for green living as "Drill, baby, drill" (36)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this guy in a weird thing (56)
(Reuters) Scary Bees: they've always been our friend. Until that hive truck accident (60)
(KNBC) Amusing Today's ready made Fark headline that's not as disturbing as it sounds "9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother" (47)
(Some Guy) Followup Philly hammer-wielding attacker caught. Apparently has previous record as a loser and, surprise, mental issues (51)
(AP) Amusing Naked, lotioned up, and pressing your body against windows is no way to go through Nebraska, son (39)
(Some Guy) Strange Radio guys put lipstick on a pig, decide it looks better than Nancy Pelosi(w/pics) (88)
(Reno Gazette-Journal) Amusing City of Reno trying to save VW bug/spider sculpture. Actually uses the argument that its "featured prominently on Reno 911. That show is on seven days a week in reruns" (54)
(Miami Herald) Florida Bank forecloses on megayacht marina and holds bankruptcy auction. Hilarity ensues (57)
(BBC) Dumbass If you're trying to beat a huge fraud charge, saying you're the victim of a voodoo curse that made your child's fingers fall off won't help you beat the rap (26)
(SacBee) Spiffy Man prepares for bar mitzvah 65 years late. Then again, he had a pretty good excuse when he was 13 (78)
(I-Mockery) Amusing I-Mockery shows you how to *really* survive a horror movie (72)
(Reason Magazine) Interesting First Obama was all like, let's get Al-Qaeda in Pakistan okay then McCain was all like, lol ur naive and now Bush is like, SEKRIT GROUND ASSAULTS FTW (127)
(Telegraph) Amusing We've secretly replaced this muggers intended victim with a four time national karate champion. Let's see if anyone notices (88)
(Seattle Times) Interesting Cops are starting to wear mini-cams on their belts. "Clearly, we don't support being a surveillance culture." (73)
(ABC News) Obvious Russia Expert Sarah Palin: Let's go to war, lol (1449)
(Some 4th Grader) Asinine Latest domestic terror threat: Pencil Sharpeners (36)
(IndyStar) Scary After two months of rehab, an Indy officer who was shot in the head is released from the hospital. Will receive hero's welcome at WNBA game. Seriously, has he not suffered enough??? (24)
(Some Car Guy) Amusing If only they were real: Introducing the Smorvette, Smerrari and the dreaded Smamborghini (69)
(CNN) Followup Missing girl found in suitcase, charged extra $15 to check self on flight (47)
(Some Guy) Dumbass "Ok, here is your baby formula, diapers, toy cars and a side order of meth. Thank you and please come again" (14)
(Newsday) Silly Hydrox Cookies return to celebrate 100 years of history, 96 years of inferiority to Oreos (153)
(CNN) Followup "Any study that relies on a chart of Google searches for the term 'oil speculation' to make the case that futures traders are responsible for yo-yoing crude prices should be greeted with a heavy dose of skepticism" (51)
(Iowa City Press Citizen) PSA When pulled over for a traffic violation, don't admit that you used the paintabll gun in your backseat for vandalism six months ago. Story complete with "baggie of marijuana" (26)
(Local6) Florida Argument over the proper way to water plants results in gunshots, machete chase (19)
(AP) Sad At Ford, (cutting jobs of) Quality (employees) is Job #1. Flint, MI lights up Michael Moore distress signal (107)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If you want to watch bondage porn while your students are working, at least remember to disconnect your laptop from the projector (102)
(TwinCities.com) Strange What's creepier than a guy having sex with his unconscious wife who's recovering from a stroke in a nursing home? Cops secretly videotaping him in the act (154)
(JSOnline) Strange Opticians across America can't keep Sarah Palin's eyeglasses in stock. "They call asking for the particular model - the Kawasaki 704. It's like they've already done their research on it. They just love how it looks" (290)
(Some Guy) Interesting Clumps have attacked the legs of the Phoenix Mars Lander and are continuing to change and grow, EVERYBODY PANIC (127)
(The Age (Melbourne)) Scary Islamic terrorists urge their minions to start forest fires to punish infidels. Smokey Bear to change slogan to "Only an Apache Longbow firing AGM-114 Hellfire missiles can prevent forest fires" (102)
(WTMJ) Ironic School district's program to reduce truancy ends up increasing truancy. Oops (64)
(Albany Times Union) PSA Judge tosses indictments in NFL/MLB/wrestling steroids investigation (30)
(KFBK) Dumbass 30 year old perv enrolls in school as a 12 year old. Gets caught after school checks paperwork. Havnig his own car and 5 o'clock shadow overlooked (137)
(Rochester D&C) Interesting Man shot in groin on Merrimac Street in Rochester. Perhaps he should have Monitored his situation better (124)
(Honolulu Star-Bulletin) Scary Entire state of Hawaii under a shark warning. Good thing people don't go in the water much there (100)
(Washington Post) Ironic McCain spends the morning in Shanksville, because if there's one thing he knows about, it's plane crash sites (307)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Asinine Moronic mischief makers make moltov menace. Family faces federal felonies; father floored (37)
(AlterNet) Interesting America owns and operates at least 761 bases around the globe with one in Afghanistan that has an entire hockey arena for the Canadian troops stationed there, who says the military is bloated? (218)
(CNN) Obvious Al Qaeda corporate office displeased with Iraqi branch over QC, HR, and marketing problems, threatens audit (53)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Judge gives child sex offender five and half years probation. Man makes it 40 minutes before cops arrest him for buying children ice cream (164)
(Some Guy) Strange Man chokes on coffee, drives into house, sets it on fire. Ta-DA (26)
(BBC) Misc There was a policeman from Kent, who said the train was aflame as it went. It was doused in the Chunnel whilst the people were funneled from this non news-worthy event (25)
(CNBC) Sad 21% of those with salaries of $100,000 or more say they are living paycheck to paycheck (628)
(AP) Misc Thieves break into the house of Obama relatives in Kenya. They found the pig but not the lipstick (36)
(The New York Times) Dumbass Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) says he didn't pay taxes on rental income from his Dominican villa because he didn't understand the finances. Note: Rangel chairs the House committee that writes U.S. tax law (167)
(The New York Times) Unlikely Tiny little houses -- in which you can barely stretch out or install a flat-screen TV -- is the latest bogus media-created trend (260)
(LA Times) Obvious LAPD cares about black people: Kanye West arrested in Los Angeles for felony vandalism, impersonating Steve Urkel (198)
(Guardian.com) Dumbass Director of education at the British Royal Society backs teaching of creationism alongside evolution. "Just because something lacks scientific support doesn't seem to me a sufficient reason to omit it from the science lesson" (967)
(IOL) Scary Penis-size argument in pub leaves three people dead and two in critical condition. Penis (234)
(Birmingham News) Amusing Water works closes in Birmingham, Alabama for 9-11. Despite the fact that the rest of the federal, state and local agencies are still at work. Better hope nothing happens that might require extreme amounts of water (72)
(Weather Underground) Misc The part of the New York Yankees is being played by: Baja California (45)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this trunk touch-up (67)
(KnoxNews) Amusing Plucky woman beats burglars with brass instrument, reeds their license tag. Police pick them up. Viola (88)
(Forbes) Followup Kim Jong Il still in control of North Korea. Facial muscles, motor function, bladder, maybe not so much (53)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Fifteen percent of poll respondents blame the U.S. government and seven percent blame Israel for 9/11 attacks (497)
(kcci.com) Amusing Today's "highway closure due to animals" story brought to you by Des Moines. Here piggy, piggy, piggy... (34)
(Guardian.com) Misc Issues? Who cares about issues? VPILF has done a photo shoot for Vogue (342)
(Billings Gazette) Dumbass The governor of Montana jokes that he rigged the senatorial election to get a fellow Democrat into Congress. Guess what happens next? (95)
(Washington Post) Obvious Creaky arthritic knees? Thinking about knee surgery? New study says that your time and money is better spent on hookers. They won't help your knees, but you won't care (67)
(The Local (Sweden)) Interesting Lost footage of McCain being released from North Vietnamese custody discovered (with link to video) (567)
(Reuters) Interesting Bloomberg wants more control over Ground Zero, including installation of two giant screens full of constant obscure financial information (115)
(Some Guy) Stupid Judge commends Nicole Ritchie for managing to stop making a complete mockery of herself (36)
(SeattlePI) Stupid The weenies in Austin -- which is 212 miles away from the Gulf Coast -- postpone their game with Arkansas because of Hurricane Ike. Is that a longhorn or a uterus on your helmets? (318)
(Google) Cool Oil falls under $100 a barrel on news that lipstick looks stupid on a pig (218)
(News.com.au) Dumbass If you've been punching out kangaroos and putting up videos on YouTube, the Australian police would like to have a word with you (87)
(AP) Amusing "Teacher okay after crashing into bear on a bicycle." And how the bear got on the bicycle, we'll never know (87)
(TX Coastal Farkers Welcome!) Cool Reminder: DALLAS-FORT WORTH Fark Party tomorrow night. 8pm at the Dubliner (67)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this boy holding a... something (55)
(Canoe) Dumbass If you're from New Mexico and get pulled over by cops in New Jersey, it's probably not a good idea to tell them that you drove all that way out there for peanut butter and pastrami sandwiches (68)
(Wall Street Journal) Misc "Do my bosons give you a hadron?" and other LHC related jokes. Do your worst, Fark (362)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Mayor says firefighters deserve less pay because they can "sleep." Bonus: The article reads like a rejected script from "Reno 911" (101)
(Telegraph) Weird Scooby Doo, where are you? There's a man here with a summons for you to appear as a witness (29)
(SMH) Amusing Why vodak and high-jumping don't mix. (With video goodness) (99)
(Charlotte) Followup Andrew Giuliani's dismissal from the Duke golf team came after he threw an apple at a teammate's face, verbally abused his coaches and broke a club during a tournament. His poor play on holes 9-11 apparently not a factor (77)
(Some Memphis Paper) Sad No new trial for the West Memphis Three (150)
(MSNBC) Hero Disney Character credited with helping a 12-year-old boy and father tread water for infinity and beyond in shark- and jellyfish-infested waters (126)
(Boston Globe) Fail So much for the ol' switcheroo (53)
(News 10 ABC Sacramento) Dumbass Man arrested for asking people in a park if they wanna "hang out" or "play." Oh yeah, he's naked. And this is not the first time (39)
(Some Guy) Interesting Judge won't let a man acquitted of rape charges legally change his name to The Count of Monte Cristo (59)
(NBC 11) Scary Parents wary of "super lice" on their dirty, scrungy kids. Wait until they hear about atomic crabs (87)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 175: "Orange." Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (289)

Wed September 10, 2008
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these step sisters (40)
(AJC) Interesting Atlanta adds "donation meters" in an attempt to curb aggressive beggers. Now that's some change to believe in (104)
(MSN) Obvious MSN tackles legalized drugs. Answer: We would all become addicts (262)
(ABC News) Sad "A woman who signs up to protect her country is more likely to be raped by a fellow soldier than killed by enemy fire" (255)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Drunk, stupid and directing traffic is a good way to get attention from the police (11)
(Some Guy) Strange Pittsburgh Zoo tiger cub named after Billy Ray Cyrus. No word on achyness or breakyness of cub's heart (21)
(WJLA-TV) Stupid Guess what's back, back again? $54 million pants are back, tell a friend (159)
(SMH) Amusing Police minister resigns because he got caught having a party in his parliamentary offices where he stripped to his undies and danced on the furniture and simulated a sex act with another minister. Was that wrong? Should he not have done that? (38)
(Journal Times) Hero Asked what it tasted like to give mouth-to-mouth to a cat, Firefighter Machado laughed, grimaced and said: "Like fur." (52)
(CBS Sacramento) Spiffy Grad student plans to sell her virginity to pay for tuition. Bonus: To get a master's in "family and marriage counseling." (with "like a fist of an angry god" picture) (364)
(Reuters) News Oh, no, there goes Tokyo (146)
(WFTV) Strange Vet says puppy that ate 6 pounds of rocks should be fine, as long as he doesn't try to go swimming (w/video) (42)
(CNN) Amusing 17% of new doctors admit to making fun of patients. Other 83% laughing too hard at your stupid tattoos and piecings to answer (134)
(HelenaIR.com) Scary Air Force officer charged with trying to show female coworker his ballistic missile while the two were on duty in ICBM launch bunker. Scary, Asinine, Dumbass tags vie for launch codes (48)
(AP) Stupid McCain: I'm OUTRAGED. Obama: You're outraged? That's OUTRAGEOUS, because I'm even MORE outraged, and I know that is what the voters want... more focus on blind OUTRAGE (300)
(The Sun) Amusing Twelve barrels of lager were mistakenly delivered to the queen at Windsor Castle instead of going to a pub of the same name (48)
(Weather Underground) Amusing And the role of Tina Turner will be played by: Texas coastline (168)
(Reuters) Scary Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a drug cartel girl. Night-time would find me evading the bloodshed; We moved from Juarez when the violence unfurled (86)
(Denver Post) Asinine In the latest government scandal, Department of the Interior employees found in bed with oil companies. Literally (119)
(Telegraph) Interesting You'd think that a photo worth thousands of dollars showing a nurse in bed would be hotter (55)
(Denver Channel) Strange Boy trapped inside running washing machine survives, ready for dry cycle (56)
(Reuters) Hero Sirius XM chief's new stance: "Regular radio sucks" (272)
(My Fox Orlando) Florida Turns out that the 15th most wanted man in America has just been sitting on his arse in a nursing home (83)
(WSAZ) Sad Large roadside flea market goes up in flames in West Virginia. Damages expected to be in the tens of dollars (74)
(MSNBC) Scary While we were busy wondering if North Korea's leader was sick, they snuck off and built a big-ass missile site (78)
(Canada.com) Scary Mark this day: No longer content to merely attack us from the land, bears have now launched their advanced amphibious assault models, and are climbing into boats to maul fishermen. EVERYBODY PANIC (93)
(London Times) Dumbass Senior 9/11 cop busted for dressing as Bin Laden (with hilarious pic) (108)
(CNN) Obvious Actual headline: "Fed's next move could be to lower rates." This soon to be followed by "Fed might raise rates." And of course the gripping, controversial conclusion: "Fed might not do anything" (35)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this lithe redhead (66)
(Telegraph) Obvious Record number of cold, barren objects with no intelligent life reported off coast of Canada. Besides Newfoundland, that is (84)
(WBBM) Stupid From the folks who banned foie gras, have no enormous budget shortfall, no senseless shootings and a 100 percent graduation rate, Chicago moves to rid the city of the dreaded metal baseball bat (72)
(First Coast News) Dumbass Never too early to whore out your toddler: High heels are now available to match perfectly with sexy tanktops and highlights splendidly all tramp-stamps and navel piercings (148)
(Guardian.com) Scary Russian bombers and missiles are now within 1,000 miles of U.S. soil. No, this isn't a repeat from 1962 (223)
(Reuters) Ironic Top U.S. generals in Afghanistan pick a damn inconvenient time to start telling the truth about how things are going there (98)
(Washington Post) Sad Scenes of devastation blanket Haiti. In related news, the hurricane did some damage too (60)
(The Local (Sweden)) Strange Family upset daughter is branded with sign of the devil, court tells family to suck it up, happens to 100 girls every year. Good job Damian, you did good (185)
(Breitbart.tv) Asinine Rep. Steve Cohen, Democratic congressman from Tennessee, brings the idiotic "Jesus was a community organizer, Pilate was a governor" meme to the House floor. Bonus: He's Jewish (348)
(KFBK) Followup If you steal someone's flea market gorilla, apologizing on YouTube won't prevent the owners from pressing charges (19)
(CNN) Dumbass Workers learn the meaning of "load bearing wall" the hard way (57)
(AP) Silly Vermont election officials are a bit fed up with having to count write-in votes for Bart Simpson because someone with that name might live in Vermont. Don't have a cow, man (66)
(Miami Herald) Florida New tougher Florida driver's license rules mean that 80-year-olds will only be allowed to drive with the left turn signal on for six continuous years instead of the previously mandated eight (28)
(News24) Stupid Paralympics wheelchair basketball player kicked out of event for taking banned drug contained in his hair loss treatment product. There's gonna be hell toupee for this (68)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Ten reasons Floridians don't move away during hurricane season (103)
(MSNBC) Followup North Korea claims Kim Jong is not Il (59)
(Some Guy) Stupid The latest washed up B-movie actor to run for office (shakes magic eight ball) is Val Kilmer (192)
(Some Guy) Obvious New Facebook look "is here to stay." Company says users upset at new appearance will get over it (177)
(MSNBC) Silly Another day, another animal gaffe. This time Obama uses his secret code to imply that the media are really drug addicted felines (418)
(Rocky Mountain News) Fail Man mistakes own apartment for Taco Bell drive thru. Outcoming result eerily similar (43)
(Telegraph) Cool Slowing economy blamed for rising number of loose housewives. Really (185)
(Guardian.com) Scary If you thought 17 year cicadas were bad, you should see the 50 year rats (86)
(PJStar.com) Dumbass Step 1: Gather 2 tons of golf balls, 1000 clubs for troops overseas. Step 2: See if National Guard will fly them across the world. Step 3: Rethink the order of Step 1 and 2 (48)
(Reuters) Sappy Lost cat returned home after nine years of wandering the earth in search of an honest cheeseburger while holding a lantern at midday (72)
(TheSpec.com) Dumbass Motorist, pulled over for doing double the speed limit on a steep hill, whips out a skateboard and attempts the Tony Hawk method of evading justice (44)
(Metro) Amusing Actual headline: Giant penis man needs "re-chalkers" (53)
(The Smoking Gun) Obvious If someone mails you a letter offering a catalog of "illegal" kiddy porn films, well, that's just the Feds trying to entrap you(some NSFW text included) (203)
(nbc5i.com) Obvious AA flight attendants are SHOCKED to find people look in-flight internet porn (127)
(Wall Street Journal) Interesting The US budget is a mess not because of tax cuts (tax receipts actually increased by $785 billion since 2003) or defense spending. It's because Congress has spent like a drunken sailor in a Hong Kong cathouse (220)
(Open Secrets) Interesting The top three recipients of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac campaign money are all Democratic Senators: Chris Dodd, John Kerry, and Barack Obama (158)
(NPR) Amusing ♫Lenin was bald, Stalin was hairy...♫ (30)
(The New York Times) Obvious "Whoever slipped that Valium into Barack Obama's coffee needs to be found and arrested by the Democrats because Obama has gone from cool to cold" (277)
(Rocky Mountain News) Strange In retrospect, having students stare in a bag of crap wasn't the proper response to a messy bathroom (38)
(SMH) Dumbass People who check their email every five minutes waste 8.5 hours a week figuring out what they were doing moments before (78)
(Washington Post) Followup Paraphrased Obama on "lipstick" furor. "Don't you f*cking idiots have anything better to do? Christ." (1061)
(The Straight Dope) Interesting How would the military handle a zombie attack? The Straight Dope is there (343)
(James His Own Bad Self) Cool TFer Lileks takes on a left-wing Canadian columnist's Palin-smuggery. Pwnage? Like Vince Carter over Frederic Weis, you bet your bippy there is (265)
(AP) Followup North Korea denies that Dear Leader is about to be dearly departed, despite a dear cerebral hemorrhage (61)
(Local6) Florida Although Don Knotts is no longer with us, Barney Fife is still around (46)
(TampaBays10.com) Florida There's a right way and a wrong way to deal with being on probation. Shooting yourself to collect disability would be the wrong way (w/ David Crosby-riffic mugshot) (20)
(Boston Herald) Stupid Boston gets free wind turbine for City Hall, $5,000 donation to install it, ends up paying $8,000 and violating state bidding law in order to power 19 light bulbs on windy days (60)
(WAAY TV) Asinine Q: How long does it take hurricane evacuees to completely trash a shelter? A: 4 days (296)
(The Times of India) Amusing Radio advert banned because disclaimer was read too fast. Company responds by claiming, "wewerenotawareofanywrongdoing andpromiseqpwdkssasxwsawe" (72)
(Chicago Tribune) Obvious Woman surprised to be scammed out of $9,000 after being approached in a Wal-Mart by two women who claimed to be illegals in need of help cashing a lottery ticket, they only needed $9,000 cash up front in order to do it (181)
(Reason Magazine) Asinine Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has cracked marble that must be replaced. Man buys and donates flawless piece of marble from the same quarry. Army says "It's free, we can't take it" (192)
(CNN) Asinine CNN takes on the tough question: Does liquids ban make us safer in skies? And apparently have found the only idiot who thinks it does (222)
(The Virginian Pilot) Interesting Once again, Virginia finds itself on the leading edge of law enforcement with regards to fashion (156)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this guy at the end of his rope (59)
(Daily Mail) Sad Man told by doctors that he only has 4-6 weeks to live readies for the end and gives all his money away. After a year, he's thinking about getting a second opinion (94)
(AP) Followup That sound you heard in the middle of the night? That "sproing" was the collective erection of 9,000 physicists as the Large Hadron Collider was fired for the first time (425)
(Daily Mail) Interesting The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy was apparently not in effect for Saxon warriors 1,000 years ago (259)
(Canoe) Asinine American performer claims Israeli airport security forced him to dance to prove his identity before he was permitted to enter the country, performer felt "humiliated." What a feeling (155)
(Daily Mail) Stupid New policy requires park wardens to stop and interrogate any adult who is not accompanied by a child. I guess you'll just have to pick one up on the way (101)
(Sky.com) Obvious Morbidly obese patients in Nanny State denied lifesaving weight-reduction surgery because it costs too much - and doctors believe anyone who could force down that much British food is suicidal anyway (176)
(CBS New York) Dumbass Verizon worker accused of making $220,000 worth of phone sex calls on customers' dime, being extemely lonely (28)
(St. Petersburg Times) Spiffy Sarah Palin action figure now available in these costumes; executive in a suit, action hero with a gun in a mini skirt, or in a low-cut school girl uniform. You can pull her string, but she won't say anything until September 11 (344)
(News.com.au) Amusing Coolest missing 77-year-old man found back at the pub, drinking beer (18)
(The Sun) Sappy Meet the 205-year-old couple... but you better do so before they have to head out for the Early Bird Special (49)
(Daily Mail) Obvious If you want someone to fall in love with you, take them on a rollercoaster ride (70)
(Breitbart.com) Interesting Lebanese woman finds 26 pearls in one oyster, enough for her own necklace (31)
(London Times) Amusing Top 30 other days that the world didn't quite end (112)
(Some Medic) Hero Not news: FireMedics save man having heart attack. Fark.com: On top of a 450 foot tower (with vid) (39)
(Las Vegas Now) Fail Two women try to prove a point by kidnapping 1st grader to show how easy it is. You're definitely doing it all wrong (60)
(Cracked) Photoshop Photoshop theme: What would the world look like if the other side won the war? LGT inspiration (97)

Tue September 09, 2008
(Some Guy) Scary Today's Fark ready headline, "Man blames bad driving on spilled beer" (76)
(Houston Chronicle) Dumbass City folk who moved to the rural suburbs distressed to find out it's perfectly legal for hunters to hunt in their neighborhoods. "I'm afraid for my kids" (217)
(Buffalo News) Dumbass Old and busted: Homecoming bonfires. New hotness: Setting your dorm on fire when you throw your lit marijuana ashes away (50)
(Reuters) Interesting North Korea sent spies diguised as taekwondo masters to try to assassinate South Korea's president back in the 1980s. Don't they know you should never send a gup to do a ninja's job? (109)
(Reuters) Asinine Bad news: you have colon cancer. Good news: you get surgery to remove it. Worse news: New data shows only 38% of U.S. hospitals do recommended post surgery tests to make sure you're cancer-free (65)
(CNN) Dumbass ATTENTION DES MOINES, IOWA: "Slaughterhouse 5" does not mean "you can hire five-year-olds at a slaughterhouse" (94)
(Fox News) Sick "Do you like riding the train, Jimmy?" "Yes." "Good, now sit over there while I beat this guy with a hammer for no reason." (With video badness, and fellow passengers letting it happen) (291)
(Yahoo) Dumbass Men smuggle big ball of shiny metal that sparkled at night. Shocked to discover growth of extra foot, kidney failure (105)
(Local6) Florida Homeowners association wants man to tear down house rebuilt after plane crashed into old one, killing his wife and son. Double bonus: Demands new house be exactly like one they died in (210)
(BBC) Sad News: USB thumb drive with military secrets found on floor of nightclub. Fark: This is the 120th time it has happened (61)
(Fox News) Amusing It took 21 months, but Berkeley has finally gotten rid of those pesky tree hippies (139)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Woman hits her boyfriend in the nose with a vase because he was "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" (69)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop theme: 1970s television characters replacing characters in more recent series (169)
(Houston Chronicle) Amusing SWAT team peacefully ends an eight-hour standoff with an empty house (54)
(BSU|DN) Asinine Indiana high school bans T-shirts with possible double meanings, including "Ball U" shirts from nearby Ball State University (124)
(Politico) Asinine U.S. Army and Sears work out a deal to license "Big Red One" clothing line, to the dismay of many veterans. Marine Corps line could follow (167)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Interesting University of Kentucky taking land-lines out of dorms because students don't know what land-lines are for (153)
(Yahoo) Amusing For each home football game, store offers one percent off for every point Arkansas State wins by. Hilarity ensues when they win their home opener 83-10 (92)
(WTAM) Cool Nearly nude women shower with each other in public to protest... does it really matter what they're protesting? (318)
(Billings Gazette) Amusing Neighborhood argument over loose dog results in streetwide melee featuring fist fight, bitten child, stabbed dog, donkey-punched wife, multiple bear spray assaults, and father-and-son mugshots (110)
(Washington Post) Unlikely Group is recruiting pastors for a "Pulpit Freedom Sunday" on Sept. 28, where they will violate IRS rules and specifically endorse candidates in church. This is of course, all about free speech and the timing is pure coincidence (346)
(CNN) Asinine Evangelical leader says McCain must embrace Palin's beliefs -- including the belief in faith healing, the notion that the end times are upon us and the idea that God wants us in Iraq in order for us to speed up that whole end times thingy (968)
(Some Guy) Weird Fat, drunk and stupid may be no way to go through life, but it will save your ass in a mugging (72)
(Fox News) Followup "Missing teacher" spotted in Manhattan Apple store, checking her email (107)
(Free Press) Dumbass New president of Detroit city council pledges more openness with media. Just kidding: She started screaming "YOU ARE EVIL. LEAVE ME ALONE" at press during her first meeting and before they had even asked her a question (253)
(CNN) Followup McCain campaign still playing Heart's "Barracuda" at Sarah Palin events, say they have the clearances. Band's former guitarist welcomes the royalties, which enable him to eat a real meal for once (243)
(The Sun) Cool Rare blond hedgehog turns up at animal-rescue centre. With your "Awwww" pic of the day if you're into hedgies (91)
(KREM) Hero Taco, the crime fighting chihuahua, hunts down fugitive (with video of Taco in action) (43)
(Gordon Freeman) Cool Reddit and Fark team up to help the scientists at CERN defeat the alien invaders after the Large Hadron Collider opens a dimensional rift during tomorrow's experiment (141)
(Denver Channel) Unlikely New study claims fewer college students smoking. Tobacco (84)
(Live Science) Interesting New study suggests Neanderthal brains grew much like ours do. Which explains election season (134)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Electric utility plans text-messaging thermostat to keep customers aware of usage and hourly price. R U 2 Hot? SUK It (36)
(Some Guy) Interesting Fifty-one things you aren't allowed to see on Google Earth (191)
(Memphis Commercial Appeal) Unlikely Guy that works at Waffle House feels the declining tips are because of the economy, as opposed to because of where he works (221)
(Palm Beach Post) Followup According to Rasmussen, the old-fart land-line phone user polls are now even between POW/Mooseburger and Secret Muslim/Foot-in-Mouth Guy. Just 56 more of these to argue about, folks (287)
(CNN) Scary Federal deficit to soar to $407 billion. What did that Iraq war cost again? (332)
(Journal Times) Strange Man enters Christian book store, inquires about book on slavery, buys a greeting card, then robs the place. Wonder what occasion the card was for? (75)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this mega phone (61)
(Gawker) Weird Axe body spray's new commercial, featuring a white man turning into "chocolate man" and giving chunks of his face away, is destoying Indian culture and is immediately banned (with vid) (161)
(Evan Williams) Misc You can't rush greatness. Funny I tell my wife that all the time. (Sponsored Link) (44)
(The Consumerist) Asinine American Airlines lose luggage as usual, except this time it's a corpse, which they also omit to keep refrigerated for four days. Eventually, they chuck the remains back to husband. "Sorry about the smell, mate" (80)
(Farker Joe8122) Misc Farker Joe8122's son needs your help. Please read (1445)
(The Consumerist) Asinine Mott's idea of "light" apple juice is to dilute half of it with water, but still charge the same price. You know, for all those people without access to tap water (139)
(Some Guy) Fail Naked, stoned and taking showers in houses you're robbing is no way to go through life, son (32)
(Dallas News) Hero San Antonio petitions for Ozzy's personal toilet to become a world heritage landmark (59)
(Abc.net.au) Stupid When sending metal boxes to scrap yards, it makes sense to remove the explosives from inside it first (27)
(CNN) Asinine Bob Woodward: "There's a secret program to kill terrorist leaders in Iraq and that's the main reason for the lowering rates of violence. If anyone found out about this program, people would die. Read about it in my new book" (182)
(My Fox Tampa Bay) Asinine Man who last received media coverage for eating 22,000 Big Macs nows says he's eaten 23,000 Big Macs. Stay tuned in 2009 for the 24,000 Big Mac update. Mainstream media at its dumbest (94)
(WRAL) Followup Omarion briefly missing, thanks fans for prayers returning him safely home (36)
(NYPost) Amusing How Obama blew it (1221)
(The Chronically Horrid) Dumbass If you call the police to your home after a shot is fired, be sure to get rid of the weed and weapons first (21)
(Seacoastonline.com) Followup Today's "stolen goods recovered using YouTube video" story brought to you by a hooded abductor with a sock puppet admitting to stealing an eight-foot-tall mechanical ape (22)
(Canada.com) Weird University of Calgary offers "graduation guarantee" to guarantee students will graduate in four years (76)
(APP.com) Interesting Placing wind turbines three miles off the coast of New Jersey will lead to $400 million in tourism losses from beachgoers who don't seem to have a problem with medical waste and fat guys in Speedos with back hair (178)
(Canada.com) Ironic Harper alleges Dion has hidden agenda, hilarious accent (314)
(MSNBC) Dumbass Obama relying on Americans' intelligence to see through rivals' lies.. "I mean, you can't just make stuff up, the American people aren't stupid." So, okay, he's toast (633)
(Telegraph) Followup Stephen Hawking has said the Large Hadron Collider is "vital if the human race is not to stultify and eventually die out." If only he would stop ringing submitter's answerphone every night to tell him the time and date (316)
(Local6) Florida ♫ Shave and a haircut ♫ Two-bit thugs ♫ (41)
(News.com.au) Weird Fran Drescher picked to be the new voice of American diplomacy, presumably in the hope that people will agree to anything just to get her to shut the hell up (100)
(AP) Interesting So important is this document, that moving it requires off-duty police officers and security guards to carry it in a briefcase handcuffed to one man, in an amored vehicle. The U.S Constitution? Nope: KFC's secret 11 herbs and spices recipe (161)
(LA Times) Amusing City of Los Angeles finally finds a work force that shows up on time, does their job and doesn't complain. Bonus: They don't take a salary (65)
(The Local (Germany)) Amusing Monsters stolen from zoo smell nice (25)
(South Bend Tribune) Obvious Speed not a factor in accident involving parade float, boy's head (48)
(News.com.au) Unlikely Sex not the top male priority, according to a study by a bunch of guys looking to get laid (289)
(CBS Sacramento) Dumbass Make sure you can outrun homeowners whom you decide to burglarize. "He was shaking and crying and begging him to let him go" (82)
(LA Times) Strange Thailand's prime minister forced to resign -- for appearing on a TV cooking show. Apparently, that was a recipe for political humiliation (36)
(BBC) Asinine Add this to things that will get you thrown in jail in the Nanny State: Cooking your breakfast on an otherwise empty train (56)
(The Sun) Unlikely An interview with "the luckiest girl alive." Strangely, it wasn't the lingerie supermodel submitter picked up in his Bentley last night (76)
(Daily Star) Asinine Nanny state spends $25,000 sending paedophiles and rapists to art galleries (56)
(The Local (Sweden)) Interesting Actual headline: "Swedish prostitutes want to pay taxes" (43)
(Telegraph) Dumbass She sells toxic shellfish at the Spanish seashore (11)
(The Moscow Times) Interesting Russians discover drive-in cinemas. If they hear about rock-n-roll and mini-skirts, communism is doomed (56)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this log builder (38)
(KXLY) Dumbass School superintendent caught with pot, sex toys and female clothing. Claims he "took it" from a student (58)
(News.com.au) Silly Shortpants making a comeback at the office. No, not for her, for him. (Warning: Pictures of sharp knees included) (127)
(SFGate) Amusing Disgruntled former assistant high school football coach uses shot put to break into the school and attempts to set it on fire; busted driving across the school lawn with flammable materials in his car. Ta-daa (30)
(Metro) Stupid What happens when people take Dead Milkmen songs too seriously. Not only is it illegal, but seriously out of date (166)
(Yahoo) Dumbass Before spending (hold pinky up to mouth) $53 MILLION on a penthouse apartment, don't you think you might want to actually look at it first? (108)
(Daily Mail) Sappy Giant panda cubs take cute to a whole new level (62)

Mon September 08, 2008
(Daily Mail) Asinine Even though she got cancer from a habit she's been doing regularly since she was 15, woman vows never to give up tanning beds. "It felt so amazing to be brown again" (177)
(LA Times) Stupid Old and Busted: 99 cent store. New hotness. 99.99 cent store (132)
(Maine Today) Amusing Today's "phone number for sex line listed by mistake" award goes to Maine Congressional candidate (29)
(Otis) Sad The last great (hic) Southern moonshiner has been caught and imprisoned; 29 cases of 'shine "examined as evidence" (hic) (98)
(UPI) Cool College student assigned same dorm room his father had 30 years ago. Dad plans to give him the same hat he used back then to hang on the door knob (100)
(Daily Mail) Stupid Thirteen-year-old boy with alopecia banned from wearing hat in school because it contradicts the dress code (201)
(Some Hungry Bear) Photoshop Photoshop what today's beary good lunch is (106)
(Dayton Daily News) Scary Man sitting inside his rural home in front of his computer hit by bullet, dives for cover behind his firewall (60)
(National Review) Interesting An explanation for our European friends: No, Sarah Palin is not wiping out endangered species when she shoots a moose, as any New Hampshire driver could tell you. Speaking of which, the rut's about to start (476)
(channel 3000) Dumbass Madison, Wisconsin alderwoman plans to introduce ordinances keeping police from fining the homeless for public urination and sleeping in parks. Next: She'll declare it mandatory to give each panhandler a $20 and a forty (146)
(CBS Dallas/Ft. Worth) Interesting RNC protester mug shot round-up: One of nine looks like Lurch after a sex-change operation, while some farkettes may be inclined to light up No. 8's Molotov cocktail (545)
(Yahoo) Unlikely The most difficult task in America is underway: Finding 12 people who have never heard of O.J. Simpson, the Buffalo Bills, Nicole Brown Simpson, Ronald Goldman, or white Ford Broncos. Good luck with that (88)
(USA Today) Amusing Senator Ted Stevens failed to disclose receipt of sled dog, massage chair. Kinky (98)
(Reuters) Followup Russia agrees to troop pullout from Georgia within a month, perhaps even as early as 2015 (47)
(Some Guy) Interesting Heaven Can Wait but the IRS won't: Iowa man says IRS can't tax him because he's a "citizen of heaven" (98)
(Contact Music) Followup Judicial Dismissings of Lawsuit for Make Benefit Glorious Wallet of Sacha Baron Cohen (60)
(CNN) Scary Eighty-eight percent of D.C. 8th graders can't read. The other 78 percent can't do math (264)
(The Bleat) Amusing Farker James Lileks went to the DNC, hung with Dave Barry, and photographed architecture: "It actually looks like the Romans invaded Denver and built this thing to celebrate the victories of the 12th Actuarial Brigade" (104)
(The Consumerist) Dumbass Bed, Bath and Beyond's response to a toddler gasping its last breath, locked in a hot car of their parking lot? "No. We will not get involved" (389)
(Hot Air) Fail CNN continues to be duped by the Palin photoshops (459)
(WSAZ) Spiffy Former presidential candidate, Mike Gravel, to host book signing in Charleston, West Virginia. The only way to get a smaller crowd in the state would be to hold a toothbrush signing (80)
(The New York Times) Obvious Knock, knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget. Well, it's been seven years... (704)
(Bloomberg) Scary Credit default swapper companies unanimously agree that Freddie and Fannie takeover is a trigger for their $1.4 trillion in bonds. Where is your $100 billion rescue package now? (269)
(Newsday) Interesting North Korea to mark its 60th anniversary with a parade this week. Float themes are "Glory to the Worker," "Praise to the Dear Leader" and "Please Give Us Some Gruel, for God's Sake" (56)
(Wall Street Journal) Obvious Now that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got their bailouts, Ford, GM and Chrysler are batting their eyes and sending chocolates and flowers to Congress (252)
(BBC) Interesting Hugging and stroking helps calm primates after a fight. Posters on Fark's Politics tab seen edging slowly away from one another (78)
(Some Korean Guy) Followup Japanese expert claims North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il died in 2003 and is being portrayed by double. Efforts to reach Elvis working closing shift at Michigan Burger King unsuccessful (155)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this dump buggy (48)
(Springfield News-Leader) Obvious Tour of cave canceled after discovery of guess what in a cave (469)
(Marketwatch) Silly United Airlines stock crashes and burns after Chicago Tribune reports four-year-old story about bankruptcy. Whoops (113)
(TBO) Florida Kidnappers in training should not put down their pistol next to the victim while they text message their demands (119)
(BBC) Interesting U.S. involvement suspected in cross-border bombing in Pakistan. Not known how many al-Qaeda No. 2s were dropped (100)
(Breitbart.com) Scary Hurricane Ike hits Cuba, tearing apart homes and businesses and inflicting economic costs that may exceed $117 (143)
(Telegraph) Interesting The credit crunch is getting so serious that it's even beginning to affect imaginary characters (96)
(Telegraph) Stupid The conflict between Russia and Georgia has been worsened by badly-translated French, France's foreign minister has admitted. If only there was a similar language studied by millions that could have been used instead (150)
(WSAZ) Obvious West Virginia has highest tooth loss rate in the nation. This makes you appreciate how hard the residents have to work to also lead the nation in obesity (81)
(Daily Freeman) Dumbass Today's "broke into a house, stole some wine, took off his clothes and walked home in his underwear, leaving his wallet behind" story is brought to you by Minisink, NY (27)
(Newsday) Interesting Not that anyone's interested, but here's an article about where the candidates stand on the issues (316)
(Canada.com) Stupid Russia attempts to ban South Park, presumably because its unrealistic that the children in that show don't drink vodka (96)
(meeja.com.au) Weird Sumo dope smokers are ruining the sport's otherwise healthy image (53)
(Daily Mail) Weird Dog survives being hit by express train after his wounds are cauterized instantly by heat from engine (48)
(Bloomberg) Interesting Soon the stream of people gets wider, then it becomes a river. River becomes an ocean, carrying ships that bear: Peruvian blooooooooow (121)
(SMH) Cool Church of Scientology to be tried in France for organised fraud, unleashing Tom Cruise upon an unsuspecting nation (279)
(Lancashire Evening Post) Stupid Woman fails driving test due to crash. And by "crash," the driving instructor meant "accidentally splashing a pedestrian after driving through a puddle" (143)
(Bang her daily) Dumbass Reporter proves that children can access porn on the internet -- by having her 12-year-old son log into Craigslist, a site her son had never heard of (99)
(Bangor Daily News) Obvious No matter what your point in an argument is, machete flailing almost always puts you on the losing side (36)
(The Newspaper) PSA Washington State promotes traffic safety -- by having residents slam on the brakes whenever they see a white SUV parked by the side of the road (64)
(News.com.au) Ironic Ambulance winds up being just a little bit counterproductive (32)
(News.com.au) Scary Shark tows surfer out to sea like "a powerful jet ski." Arthur Fonzarelli declines to comment (66)
(LA Times) Sad After five years, Iraqis are becoming Americanized... in their waistlines. Mission accomplished (48)
(WXVT) Strange Teenager's jaw broken in fluke collision with flying fish. Now he'll have to mako special trip to the hospital to see a sturgeon. Holy carp (80)
(TC Palm) Florida Old and busted: Reading to the blind. New hotness: Reading to the dogs (28)
(London Times) Interesting Fonetic spelling? Werds wud luse there meening (129)
(Guardian.com) Unlikely Europe debates sexual content in advertisements. "It wasn't just an advert. It was the 9/11 of tits" (128)
(Some TFer) Photoshop Photoshop a more truthful / honest / appropriate logo for your preferred presidential candidate. LGT example (97)
(Miami Herald) Scary Sharks off the coast of Daytona Beach have ordered the appetizer sampler (30)
(The Sun) Amusing In an instance of life imitating slapstick comedy, an elderly couple has their apartment's door number removed out of fear that it will fall off and hurt someone (24)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Woman claims she was fired from her corporate job for taking maternity leave twice in 14 months (246)
(AFP) Sad The WWF reports that koalas are dying by the thousands due to land-clearing, steel cage matches (88)
(News.com.au) Asinine The limo company that owned the Mercedes in which Princess Diana died wants to regain possession of it so they can sell it for "a great deal of money" (78)
(The New York Times) Interesting Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews dropped from MSNBC's election anchor desk (794)
(National Post) Obvious "When I see someone wearing Crocs, I immediately know we have nothing in common" (388)