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Sun December 28, 2008
(News.com.au) Dumbass Before heading to the airport to catch an international flight, make sure the airline hasn't gone bankrupt three months beforehand. Especially if you're flying from Darwin (5)
(Stuff) Amusing Teenage couple caught having sex on middle school sports field, face jail sentences and lifelong registration as sex offenders. Just kidding - it wasn't the puritan U.S., so they were let off without charges (55)
(Panama City News Herald) Florida Woman challenges police officer to "tase me in the face." Hilarity ensues (35)
(Yahoo) Weird What's smoky and 1,286 feet long? Poland sausage party (18)
(Livenews) Obvious Child's birth defects may have been caused by mom's botox. Hard to tell whether mother is upset, angry, or indifferent to the whole thing (77)
(CBS Miami) Florida Remember those special times, fishing with your dad in the backyard, catching fresh catfish, blue gills, human skulls (24)
(Seattle Times) Fail Two pilots forget to check the rear view mirror (38)
(Chicago Tribune) Scary Man finds a room to live in, and it's furnished. By "a room to live in" we mean an unsuspecting family's attic. By " furnished" we mean he's wearing their clothes (38)
(Livenews) Interesting $100,000 worth of nuts stolen. Police on lookout for very thirsty thieves (38)
(Free Press) Fail Knock, knock. Who's there? Owen. Owen who? Owen Sixteen  T-Shirt (136)
(Cracked) Amusing It's an outrage that luminaries such as the real-life Boobarella, the guy that created the Chicken Dance song, and Killer Kowalski didn't get the same send off as Carlin, Ledger, and Russert. Cracked is here to remedy that (65)
(strategy page) Amusing Iraqis believe that American troops wear sunglasses that see through clothing, body armor that is air conditioned, and that American military bases are protected by force fields. Apparently they haven't learned about other uses for tinfoil (169)
(Anchorage Daily News) Amusing Anchorage Daily News now has a site tracking the epic conflict between Snowzilla and his snowman minions and city hall (26)
(Alaska Report) Amusing Sarah Palin calls PETA and asks then to pull an online game where people can throw snowballs at her. "Just take the game down or you'll read my name on the lawsuit." (297)
(Some Maze) Photoshop Photoshop this man escaping a rubber labyrinth (29)
(KOTV) Interesting New law mandates testing of all imported toys for toxins, but exempts domestic made ones. Happy Fun Ball bounces in approval (57)
(SFGate) Amusing Another actual San Francisco Chronicle headline, Obama taps California's political talent. In-your-end-o innuendo trifecta in play (39)
(London Times) Hero Rising number of costumed superheroes patrolling the streets of America's cities to fight crime. "This is a more serious business than it looks," says one calling himself Citizen Prime (151)
(Daily Camera) Scary John Mark Karr, one-time JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect, has apparently fled the country and is allegedly taunting investigators with emails about the crime (60)
(Some Guy) Asinine Nanny State threatens to fine anyone caught making noise on New Year's Eve, as well as seizing their stereos, TVs and DVDs. We'd give the Brits a golf clap, but that's probably illegal too (34)
(Reuters) Interesting Fifty years after the revolution, Cubans like their life--at least the ones the reporter was allowed to interview do--because its current crappiness is better than the crappiness under Batista (135)
(SFGate) Amusing Actual San Francisco Chronicle headline:"No more 'Exit Only' confusion" (52)
(IndyStar) Sad Mike Hunt found dead in Indianapolis (w/ pic) (213)
(Daily Express) Obvious Survey finds the biggest news story of 2008 was the death of Heath Ledger, in latest proof of why you don't let the masses vote on what's news (35)
(WIVB) Amusing 60 degrees in December in Buffalo? A week after a major snowstorm? What could possibly go wrong? (43)
(Denver Channel) Obvious What do you do when your elite toll lanes are not being used to bypass traffic? Raise the tolls and make it TotalElite® (71)
(Washington Post) Sad The latest victim of "No Child Left Behind": Spring break (157)
(Telegraph) Scary Native species in 'biodiversity freefall,' claim environmentalists. Today it is hedgehogs and dormice, tomorrow it will be squirrels... regardless of nutsize (47)
(Some Guy) Weird Further proof that eBay has everything: a pocket-sized vampire hunting kit (49)
(UPI) Misc If you have misplaced your 850 pound, $370M emerald, the LA county sheriff's department has some good news for you (33)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Pilot admits to napping in cockpit during flight. Hopefully he didn't use one of those blankets, those things are FILLED with germs (49)
(AP) Interesting Federal judge rules that Louisiana must list both gay California Fathers on baby's birth certificate. This should end well (278)
(Breitbart.com) Followup "Organizers strip Mexican beauty queen..." The article starts with a promising headline, and delivers pics. What more could a Farker want? (64)
(London Times) Strange Scotland wants to reintroduce moose, wolves, and bears to the countryside. What could possibly go wrong? (64)
(Yahoo) Stupid What does it take to be the most popular person in Russian history? How about killing millions of people, creating a dictatorial police state, and starting the Cold War. Hey, it worked for Uncle Joe (137)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this training exercise (39)
(Some Girl) Cool Two 21 year old women grab their bicycles and camera and take a 2,500 mile trip around the United States. In 1944. But I'm sure your summer playing with your Wii was as tough and rewarding (195)
(Telegraph) Stupid Alternative medicine practitioners, soothsayers, astrologers and general assorted nutbags claim that town's new free wi-fi system is giving them pneumonia. That's ray-cist (151)
(News.com.au) Scary Girl trapped in pizza dough machine rushed to hospital. Doctors promise to save her in thirty minutes or less or it's free  T-Shirt (50)
(BBC) Scary Father gets 'taken by shark' / Quotes sound like journalists' snark / I thought they meant 'smitten' / Instead they meant 'bitten' / And that's why it's not news, it's Fark  T-Shirt (36)
(Dispatch) Weird Archaeologists find small Swiss watch in "undisturbed" 400 year old Chinese tomb, puzzled by letters 'M-C-F-L-Y' carved on back  T-Shirt (107)
(News.com.au) Interesting The Australian government wants to ban booze in toothpaste tubes and cocktail towers (bonus game: do you need beer goggles for the bartender in the picture?) (73)
(Livenews) Scary That knocking sound your car's been making the last ten days? Might just be a nurse in the boot (52)
(Telegraph) Spiffy Goldfish survives 13-hour out-of-fishbowl experience after leaping out. "It was a real Christmas miracle." (The owner said that, not the fish) (41)
(London Times) Asinine They like their women stupid and unable to walk: In addition to denying females an education, the Taliban also prohibit polio vaccines (175)
(Denver Post) Fail If you get caught speeding and the cop gives you a ticket, he's probably gonna catch you when you go to his house and torch his pickup truck as well (84)
(Mirror.co.uk) Obvious Prince Edward accused of hitting a dog in welcome break from usual stories about Prince Charles banging a horse (61)
(Reuters) Strange 36/F/Shibuya Train Overpass (100)
(AZCentral) Sad The economic downturn is forcing more and more parents to pull their kids out of daycare and figure out how to raise the brats themselves (178)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this outdoor door (72)

Sat December 27, 2008
(MDN) Weird "While not the oddest fetish in Japan by a long way, there are some who travel the length of Japan enticed by the prospect of a compellingly designed manhole" (99)
(Daily Mail) Obvious "Why chili con carne is almost a religion in some parts of the world." Even in parts where the savages don't know enough to put beans in it (274)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Tracking #: 1Z9982615F2, delivered. Signed by: Terrorist (133)
(London Times) Scary In latest sign that the Apocalypse is all but upon us, disco is back (216)
(First Coast News) Florida Even with all the progress in the world, there are still a few anti-dentites out there (42)
(New York Daily News) Weird 20-year old woman who had never been kissed picks a random 17-year old kid to be her first at a public kissing seminar held in Times Square (205)
(Some Litterbug) Spiffy Workers remove 4.5 million pounds of trash from North Carolina's roadways. To put that in perspective, that equals roughly 200 million cigarette butts, 90 million soda bottles, or 32,000 dead hookers (100)
(BBC) Strange Every Christmas Swedes build a giant straw goat and protect it using fireproofing chemicals, security guards and a web camera. Every year vandals burn it down (79)
(Miami Herald) Amusing New Year's can mean only one thing: it's time for Dave Barry's 2008 in review (100)
(ABC Action News) Florida Family has been struggling since their son was hit by a falling speaker; their problems continue to amplify (60)
(Yahoo) Hero U of Saskatchewan student completing PhD in how to save beer from going bad (65)
(Wired) Scary U.S., Georgia to sign strategic pact to help Georgia advance security, democratic, and market economic reforms. Alabama heartbroken (43)
(HelenaIR.com) Scary 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house / My roommate was stirring up sh*t like a louse / When, what in my rupturing eye should appear / But a sharp paring knife bringing holiday cheer (17)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop Challenge: A celebrity walks into a transmogrifier. LGT transmogrifier (41)
(NPR) Scary They fight in neighborhoods they describe as being like "a mouthful of broken teeth". Calling themselves "urban warriors," they face a landscape that grows more treacherous each day (322)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest, Round 2: April through June (details in thread) (109)
(The Chattanoogan) Unlikely Local media goes crazy over missing teenage girl. Fark: she's not white (101)
(SLTrib) Asinine Restaurant refuses to serve alcohol to woman who can't prove her age. Although she's 60 years old (361)
(The News & Observer (NC)) Fail North Carolina prepares inmates for life after prison. If, of course, that life entails working in a Jordanian sweatshop (46)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this dirty hand (59)
(Reuters) Spiffy iPod helps iSwiss rescue iDiots lost on really big iMountain (49)
(Stuff) Amusing New Zealand Web site looks back at the stupid criminals who gave them so many lovely Fark headlines this year (17)
(Boston Globe) Dumbass If you claim to be a veteran collecting holiday donations for military families, be careful not to run into any real veterans. And try to get your rank and uniform right, too, dumbass (112)
(London Times) Amusing 15% rise in UK personal name changes, including Happy Adjustable Spanners, General Ninja Ant, and N'Tom The Haymaker Haywardyou-liketocomebacktomine. Raymond Luxury Yacht unimpressed (71)
(NYPost) Spiffy Jewish guy saves Christmas. Again (24)
(Yahoo) Spiffy NYC man sells bubbly calendars for folks who like to pop the little bubbles in bubble-wrap, which is just about everyone in the entire world (32)
(AFP) Dumbass After man nabbed trying to smuggle out a mummified cat, let us paws for a moment and honor the originators of Caturday, the ancient Egyptians (360)
(UPI) News Israel faithfully celebrates one of their lesser-known holidays, "Bomb the crap out of Palestine" which officially falls between Christmas and New Years but can really be celebrated whenever the mood strikes (998)
(CBS 4 Denver) Sad Community leaders in Denver fail to raise money for inner city gun "buy back" effort, instead ask hoods to simply turn the pieces in "for morality's sake" (47)
(The Local (Sweden)) Dumbass "If I pour gasoline on my arm and light it on fire, she's *sure* to notice me." (30)
(My Eyewitness News) Dumbass Not news: Burglar steals $36 worth of cigarettes from convenience store. Fark: Burglar returns to scene seeking medical help after severely cutting himself on the glass door he shattered during robbery (10)
(Metro) Asinine Nanny State wants to give websites age-ratings (44)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this shooter's sphere (26)
(Some Guy) Interesting Power failure hits Oahu. Pray for Obamarion (63)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Big Duke is the world's tallest horse at six feet seven inches at the shoulders and may take a fence and stirrup some trouble if you tell him he sucks (64)
(Halifax Courier) Unlikely Man found taking shower in women's changing room at public swimming pool : "It was a genuine error" (62)
(Reuters) Scary Jumbo snowglobes + sunlight = DIAF (47)
(Philly) Dumbass You know those people who talk during movies? Yeah, I hate them too (271)
(CNN) Spiffy Sheriff Joe getting a Fox reality show to bust criminals. Think "To Catch A Predator", but with pink underwear at 110 degrees (157)
(BBC) Sad Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, Oh please don't kill me (24)
(Some Guy) Sad Town fires a 50-year veteran police chief to avoid tax increase. Elderly residents up in arm.......ZzZzZzZz (43)
(ABC News) Sad Study finds that in the first 3 years after the U.S. invasion, 151,000 Iraqis died (402)

Fri December 26, 2008
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this crimson crisscross (52)
(BBC) Sappy Virgin Mary married to a carpenter gives birth to baby Jesus on Christmas. Aw geez, not this shiat again (52)
(CNN) Stupid Women shouldn't say "I love you" first because only men should have to find out the person they spilled their soul to just wants to be friends (544)
(Sign On San Diego) Strange Man shot in the buttocks after refusing to give his beer to muggers. Must have been a Guinness (54)
(TC Palm) Florida The coolest picture of a ten foot long three hundred pound white alligator living near a Florida mall you will see this year (42)
(Guardian.com) Interesting Pint of beer raises cancer risk by fifth, and a fifth a whole lot more (72)
(Boston Herald) Interesting GateHouse Media Inc. files suit against the New York Times for its practice of grabbing headlines from its newspapers web sites. New York Times claims they submit them with better headline (16)
(Montgomery Advertiser) Obvious Man who gets no presents sets (you guessed it) mobile home on fire (40)
(Seacoastonline.com) Dumbass Nothing captures the holiday spirit like getting arrested on Christmas eve, then again Christmas morning. With mugshot goodness of both (64)
(SLTrib) Dumbass Can't agree on what song to sing on karaoke night? Thats a stabbin (52)
(CNN) Followup From the "how dumb do you have to be to think this would actually work?" department: missing mohawk baby was made up by woman to win back ex (106)
(UPI) Cool Aftershock from 1727 earthquake hits New Hampshire. Things move slowly in these parts you know (67)
(KTLA-5) Followup L.A.'s Killer Claus was a laid-off aerospace engineer who lost house & dog in divorce, booby-trapped his car & jerry-rigged a flamethrower. D-Fens approves (611)
(Jalopnik) Amusing Ten cars and the type of women they attract (327)
(NW Florida Daily News) Dumbass After trying to outrun police, handcuffed driver tells them that he "Had better things to do than sitting on the side of the road talking to you." Police disagreed (50)
(ABC News) Interesting China reminds us they have ninjas, too (65)
(The Consumerist) Stupid Well, with Christmas behind us, time to start preparing for Valentine's Day (107)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest, Round 1: January through March (details in thread) (137)
(WBBM) Cool Scarface's home on Chicago's southside is going up for sale. Price expected to be driven up by Geraldo who wants access to the attic and basement for live TV special (48)
(Some Ghost of Xmas Future) Photoshop ♬ Christmas, Christmas time is near, time for a Corpse, and time for beer ♬ (140)
(Seacoastonline.com) Dumbass Getting lost is one thing, but it takes a special kind of stupid to end up on an airport runway (73)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man makes late entry in Dumbass of the Year contest (44)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida 70-year-old achieves his life's ambition - to paint himself into a famous Rembrandt painting (48)
(Wired) Interesting The seven best capers of 2008 (52)
(Stuff) Cool Man gets paid to drink beer at work. Now hopes to set up Web site where people pay $5 a month to watch him drink. Unless someone else has beaten him to it (42)
(Houston Chronicle) Hero Little old lady requests disaster relief for flooded house, gets a fishy estimate, uses bookkeeping/contracting background and FOIA requests to uncover massive contractor fraud. Her house? Still not repaired, six years later (114)
(St. Petersburg Times) Cool New franchise provides drivers, using foldup scooters, to take drunks home in their own cars (65)
(Quad City Times) Stupid Iowa City considers banning happy hour (88)
(PhysOrg.com) Interesting Japan to go ahead with maglev train even though the economic crisis has polarized its supporters (60)
(Some forked tongue) Interesting Judge rules government cannot take back beads and blankets from Native Americans. Suck it, paleface (114)
([LA Weekly]) Amusing [☻] [☻] [☻] [☺] [☻] [☻] [☻] (181)
(Boston Globe) Obvious Guy surprised to find journalism degree, air guitar skills don't lead to success (41)
(News.com.au) Scary Mobile phone seizure an 'abuse of police powers', thought Blackberry was a donut  T-Shirt (198)
(Some Guy) Amusing I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a picture of an ox with a mouse on its head (44)
(Fox News) Scary Pakistan moving 20,000 troops to Indian border and has recalled soldiers on leave in major escalation. What could possibly go wrong? (246)
(AP) Hero 232 years ago: Washington crossed the Delaware in horrible weather. Present: Sissy re-enactors have to use a foot bridge. Hero tag is for the General (83)
(Some Guy) Scary The newest way your personal info can be obtained by others? How about by being the highest bidder from a self storage auction? (46)
(Free Press) Cool Happy 23rd birthday, you gorgeous bastard (47)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop theme: how you would have done the Presidential Portrait (76)
(Washington Post) Amusing The war on terror is being won not with a bang, but a boner (109)
(Arkansas Times) Obvious You're an energy company. How can you keep cities from using more efficient lighting? Charge double for the electricity used in the efficient lights. Monty Burns reportedly proud (136)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop your predictions for 2009 (59)

Thu December 25, 2008
(Some Guy) Obvious Only 3 percent of kids' meals from fast-food restaurants meet federal recommendations for nutrition. Ric Romero with film at 11 (84)
(CBS New York) Scary Homelessness in New York City has hit a record high, and it may be premature, but what the hell... EVERYBODY PANIC (94)
(KFWB News 980) Dumbass Mother of the year comforts 12-year-old son after relationship break up by stabbing his son's ex-lover's mother. In other news 12-year-olds have relationships (52)
(Huffington Post) Amusing Teen petitions to put Festivus pole in Illinois state capitol building. Fark: The request is approved, and the nativity scene people are a bit peeved (127)
(CBS New York) Stupid In step #1,372 of the never-ending plan to destroy Christmas, a woman is fired from her cashier's job at Lowe's for wearing a pin saying "It's called Christmas for Christ's sake" (321)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this shy guy (49)
(International Herald Tribune) Sad "Santa Baby, won't you carry me to heaven tonight, alright?" Eartha Kitt dies at 81 (146)
(The New York Times) Obvious Humans have a very highly evolved tendency for lying, cheating and deceit. You submitted this with a funnier headline, but I promised Drew a keg of Heineken if he greened this one (63)
(Great Falls Trrrribune) Followup For the second time in five days, fireman rescue dog from icy river in Great Falls, MT. This pup ups the ante by jumping off a 60-foot-high bridge to get there, but really, you'd do the same if you were in Great Falls in December (31)
(SFGate) Spiffy Top ten cheeses of 2008. Behold the power of top ten lists (93)
(LA Times) Wheaton Festivus for the rest of us, plus Wil Wheaton (34)
(The New York Times) Cool A look inside the room your dog wants more than anything in the known universe: the steak vault at Peter Luger's (180)
(UPI) Scary Elderly Ninjas are on the prowl on Japan's northern island of Hokkaido. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them? (46)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing Last mugshot round-up for the year, and in the spirit of the season the second one: Red? Check... Beard? Check mate (151)
(Yahoo) Obvious Old and busted: Black Friday. New Hotness: New Black Friday (95)
(The Sun Herald) Asinine Couple arrested for having garage sale. "Oh? We really needed to own the home and all the items?" (29)
(Google) Amusing Headline: "Pope greets Christmas with appeal for abused kids." The Church needs more? (38)
(CBS Miami) Florida Foot tall baby with mohawk and tattoo missing, last seen with a woman with a french accent (66)
(New York Daily News) Silly His reign as hot dog king over, Takeru Kobayashi is eyeing a new Coney Island conquest: fruitcakes -- not that there's anything wrong with that (45)
(CNN) Scary In case you need a reason to tell your kids why Santa didn't come, "He shot three people in L.A." will do the trick (83)
(BBC) Asinine Nanny State bans shopkeepers from giving mulled wine to their customers during traditional late-night shopping event. Merry farking Christmas to you, too, Nanny (51)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this ring thing (51)
(Yahoo) Scary Old and busted: Soccer moms scrap-booking in the dining room. New Darwiny Hotness: Soccer moms doing genetic engineering in the dining room (113)
(Yahoo) Amusing Time to reflect on the greatness of the Star Wars Holiday Special (86)
(Newton TAB) Fail Police wait patiently as suicidal man repeatedly tries to light his house on fire but can't figure out how to work a match (25)
(LA Times) Cool Merry Christmas... hot 23 year old physical trainer puts new meaning in the nickname of the Tustin High Tillers. With "Oh hell yeah" hittable pic (169)
(TBO) Florida Guy makes late run at Douchebag of the Year status: "All I wanted was this phone back. I am a decent guy. ... It's girls like this I fight against in the work that I do" (114)
(Philly) Cool Here's your chance to pick up a used Soviet missile submarine on the cheap. Low miles, needs some work (59)
(Washington Post) Sappy Once a year, mild-mannered mail carrier Scott Arnold turns into Santa Paws and brings presents for all the doggies on his route (37)
(Yahoo) Obvious Update from the front lines: the War on Christmas is losing ground, in spite of what you've heard on talk radio (104)
(BBC) Interesting Mrs. Charles Darwin's Recipe Book to be published. Step 1: marinate your dodo for at least 12 hours (65)
(FARK) Spiffy Merry Christmas, Fark! And Happy Boxing Eve to you, Canada. Or something (196)
(Rochester D&C) Amusing House of Poon burns because of a fire, chlamydia (41)
(Boston Herald) Misc "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No, officer." "Well, I forget, so never mind. Hey, is that a bag of chips?" (89)
(Seacoastonline.com) Dumbass Sirens ring, are you listening. In the bank, snow is glistening. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, DWI in a winter wonderland (21)
(Fairbanks News-Miner) Amusing "Everybody loves moose and they taste a lot better when they're not marinated with anti-freeze" (18)
(Telegraph) Strange Boss jailed after stabbing his employee in the butt with a pitchfork. And you thought your boss was the devil (25)
(UPI) Strange Confused sea lion discovered at airport...he thought he was a penguin (27)
(CNN) Hero And that's the way the...wait, what? Cool (117)
(CBS Sacramento) Sappy Not news: Mom gives birth to twins. Sad: She dies while giving birth. Fark: And comes back to life once the kids are out. At least it was a natural birth (54)
(Some Guy) Obvious Heady goes on the twosy herey (42)
(Telegraph) Silly Top 10 most annoying Americanisms. Happy holidays (402)
(UPI) Dumbass A 17 year old student has her 30 year old gym teacher spend the night frequently in her room and her parents are surprised about their sexual activity. Dumbass tag is for the parents (88)
(Journal News) Sick Is it safe? Man busted for running a dentist office in his kitchen. Mug shot and nasty pictures of teeth destroying implements included (64)
(Some Guy) Unlikely One of the rarest photos you will ever see. A Yankee fan with his arm around a Red Sox fan (54)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 190: "Season's Greetings Cards II". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme (106)

Wed December 24, 2008
(Reuters) Interesting Being just 7 pounds overweight raises heart failure risk by 11%. So basically we're all farked (116)
(Science Daily) Interesting Morphine doesn't work as well on women. Try chloroform (64)
(SeattlePI) Interesting The top doctor for Washington State's prison system resigns, saying it's unethical for his staff to help with an execution (191)
(I-Mockery) Amusing I-Mockery shows how even Skeletor can get into the holiday spirit as evidenced in "He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special" (15)
(CNN) Interesting Old and busted: Baby Boomers. New Hotness: "Cuspers", who were born 1954-1965. Suck it, Boomers (161)
(Telegraph) Stupid Waiter, there's a Mosque in my Nativity Scene (69)
(Fox News) Scary Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is, until the stove exploded (19)
(CBS 4 Denver) NewsFlash American Airlines jet skids off the runway. This is not a repeat from Saturday, and Leon's getting laaarrrrrrrgerrrrr (129)
(CBS Minneapolis) Hero Anonymous donor gives $1 million to split among 65 people after losing their apartments to fire (65)
(FARK) Misc 'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a _____ (214)
(CBS Sacramento) Dumbass San Francisco International Airport to offer "carbon offset kiosks" for guilt-ridden flyers who feel like they have too much money (176)
(AZCentral) Interesting Tinfoil futures skyrocket after hundreds of residents call police about the unidentified "military helicopter" that's been hovering over their neighborhood every night at 2 AM (79)
(National Post) Cool Your annual Christmas Eve/Norad Santa tracking thread. There's eggnog and spiked hot cocoa to the right (136)
(NewsOK) Unlikely Who knew blood pressure meds could turn you into a pedo? (66)
(My Fox Los Angeles) Asinine Lawyer for firefighter accused of beating 6-month old puppy to death with a rock derides pup's photo; "I'm sure Jeffrey Dahmer had baby photos that were very cute" (301)
(Seacoastonline.com) Dumbass Stupid: Leaving your car unlocked and having things stolen. Dumbass: You're a cop. Moran: The stolen things are your gun, taser, and pepper spray. Someone's in for a Merry Christmas (29)
(Some Guy) Asinine United Way employee of 22 years fired for attending to ailing husband (75)
(Canada.com) Scary In Iceland, children have to watch out for the "Sausage Snatcher" to make his appearance on Christmas (56)
(AJC) Amusing Why we act like morons at 4-way stops (153)
(CNN) Sappy Dying girl living in hospice only wants snow for Christmas. Nevermind that she's in Georgia, she got her White Christmas (45)
(Arizona Star) Interesting Soon to be on the "10 Most Harmful Books" list - "Das Capital": the Japanese mango comic book. To speed Kapitalism's departure, the Japanese have created a manga book from Karl Marx "Das Kapital" (58)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Dumbass If at first you don't succeed, try try again, unless you're trying to solicit sex with a boy (38)
(Cracked) Cool Eight old school toys that got badass makeovers. Rule of thumb: The moment classic toys are introduced to electricity, shiat starts getting out of hand (212)
(KING5) Scary Alaska Airlines now offering complimentary de-icing inside the cabin (48)
(Democrat & Chronicle) Stupid The dumbest way to win a girl's heart (211)
(Some Santa) Spiffy Louisiana mom forces hot 18- and 23-year-old daughters to sit in Santa's lap (260)
(First Coast News) Interesting News we get only at Christmas: Article digs up where guy who translated "Stille Nacht" into English is buried (23)
(Boston Herald) Spiffy Salvation Army officers say cash-strapped shoppers have left their kettles empty. Nah, just kidding: the red kettles have been stuffed with dollars, coins and checks beyond their yuletide dreams (52)
(Google) Photoshop Theme: Holiday greeting cards with a twist (45)
(JSOnline) Silly Woman's husband speaks to her from the Beyond through a crappy Chinese toy at Big Lots (55)
(Oregon Live) Interesting Tobacco orbs: Melt in your mouth, not in your lungs (117)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Strange Police end cliffhanger for those wondering what happened to former child actor who appeared in Highway to Heaven, Trapper John, MD, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and, finally, America's Most Wanted (36)
(News.com.au) Interesting Christmas lights waste electricity and are bad for the environment, so Merry Christmas, you selfish, wasteful Mother Gaia haters (116)
(Bloomberg) Cool Oil falls below $37 a barrel on reports of reindeer-powered aircraft being spotted (107)
(FARK) Followup Bad ads update - ads back on, if we guessed right on who was sending them the problem is fixed. Email me immediately if there are more problems -Drew (338)
(ABC News) Hero Anonymous elf hands out $13,000 to Skid Row. Sebastian Bach ecstatic (64)
(AP) Amusing Iran's Ahmadinejad to make fireside Christmas broadcast in UK. "Merry holiday, you pagan pig-eating satan dogs. Thank you for the lovely scarf." (82)
(Newsday) Stupid Anonymous "Guns for money" program takes guns, has no money, then asks for ID. Other than that, its working perfectly (115)
(News.com.au) Spiffy Cat named "Voodoo" sets feline no-chute base-jumping record (79)
(Mercury News) Fail Today's children's consumer products company publishing a phone sex line instead of their customer service number brought to you by Fisher-Price and the Fail tag (32)
(CNN) Weird The new Radio Flyer wagon comes equipped with 5-point safety harnesses, padded seats, cup holders, foot brakes and fold-out storage containers. Too bad you can't get financing (159)
(Some Guy) Sappy "Those who are truly blessed this Christmas are not the children with the most expensive toys, nor the households with the most lavish dinners. They are those who are secure in the unity of their families" (80)
(Houston Chronicle) Cool "When what to my wondering eye should appear, but eight lowrider cars all jacked down in the rear." The story of Pancho Claus (18)
(Jalopnik) Amusing WTF FTW, MLFHNTR, WTFOMFG, BNG BUS, I LUV ANL and 44 other vanity license plates that slipped by the DMV (216)
(MSNBC) Obvious As if reduced purchasing and credit weren't enough, now struggling retailers are being whacked with an 84% increase in shoplifting. Why do consumers hate America? (87)
(TC Palm) PSA If your home was built during the construction boom, and you have irritated eyes, coughing, sneezing, difficulty breathing, and symptoms similar to bronchitis and asthma, thank China (65)
(TC Palm) Florida When arguments at Florida gas stations escalate, urine's sure to be involved (25)
(BBC) Spiffy Here's how to follow Santa Claus on-line tonight. NORAD, Twitter and Google Earth are on the job (49)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop this strange-suited man (58)
(Miami Herald) Florida If you run over someone with your bus and the passengers notice it, you should probably pull over and help the guy (35)
(Washington Post) Dumbass "Of all the things you could say to a cop with an automatic weapon after he's pulled you out of the car on the side of the highway at midnight, Isaac Chaves chose: "I've had 15 beers" (67)
(Reuters) Unlikely This Bud's for getting even the toughest stains out absolutely, positively overnight because I slept at a Holiday Inn last night and had a Pepsi, Coke, Triple Steak Burrito and Mountain Dew for lunch while driving in my Ford Tough truck (51)
(Local6) Florida Woman says she was fired for answering the phone saying "Merry Christmas". Her former employer, however, says she was just a biatch (406)
(SMH) Cool Australian Christmas gift appeal for the needy receives 363,000 donations, up 10.6 per cent from last year, the most ever donated, despite the economic meltdown (14)
(Web MD) Sad Finally, the annual naughty list of holiday foods slideshow (113)
(The Virginian Pilot) Interesting Reporter discovers what Jews have known for decades: Chinese restaurants are open on Christmas (87)
(The Sun) Cool The coolest pictures of ice sculptures you'll see before you have to go shovel 3 feet of snow from your walkway (35)
(NYPost) Followup After long fight with DMV, retired NYPD officer finally gets to put his vanity plates on his car. His GETOSAMA plate (44)
(KREM) Dumbass If you make an anonymous call theatening to shoot the plow driver if he comes down your street again, remember, REMEMBER, the police have caller ID (63)
(BBC) Obvious You know those stories the media runs about how Christmas is when most couples decide to get divorced? Yeah, the media is pulling them out of their ass (59)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida The stories vary but one way or another a penis was bitten  T-Shirt (62)
(Pravda) Interesting U.S. planning world dictatorship? It's more вероятно than you думайте (260)
(New Zealand Herald) Interesting Why Santa wears red, how come we eat turkey on Christmas, what's the deal with Christmas trees and other holiday questions answered (64)
(CBC) Interesting Frequent Acronyms Reportedly Kooky, Hodge-podge Experts Are Discombobulated, Laud Immediate Naming End  T-Shirt (52)
(CNN) Cool Girl who would represent Mexico in next year's Miss World arrested in vehicle with 7 men, AR-15 assault rifles, handguns, cartridges and $50,000 in cash. In related news, SLUTTY GIRLS WITH GUNS AND MONEY THREAD (229)
(George Donner) Strange According to the cannibals in Papua New Guinea, Japanese people are tastiest, while whites are too salty. Hannibal Lecter has yet to weigh in (58)
(Starpulse) Spiffy Lance "Lefty" Armstrong proves that you can still fly the plane with only one engine and deliver the passengers to their destination  T-Shirt (66)
(Metro) Strange Not news: Two-foot long crocodile found. News: By a pest control man in an apartment bathtub. Fark.com: In London (with helpful pic of what a crocodile looks like) (25)
(Daily Mail) Cool Why I celebrate Christmas, by the world's most famous atheist (250)
(Some Guy) Scary Sometimes news isn't published and you rely on photos from an event. Like this decompression that happened on a flight. Pic is of my niece, taken today, with oxygen mask waiting to die (139)
(The Sun) Obvious Unsurprisingly, studies found that giving cocaine to bees makes them want to dance to crappy house music while babbling endlessly about nothing and spending unreasonable amounts of time in the bathroom  T-Shirt (74)
(Yahoo) Cool Canadian buried in snowbank survives for 3 days. Cites beer, poutine, lack of anywhere else to be (40)
(CNN) Interesting Some men are getting women pregnant without sleeping with them, then keeping the baby. You submitted this with a "you're doing it wrong" meme (64)
(The Sun) Amusing "Are you saying that if I dig far down enough beneath my living room I'd strike oil? What is this, the effing Beverly Hillbillies? " (26)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this man and his planes (35)
(TC Palm) Florida Cop investigating the theft of a handgun, jewelry and cash uses the suspect's toilet and can't flush it. Lifts up the lid and discovers the missing gun. "I guess it was just dumb luck." (36)
(Heartland Connection) PSA If you must shoplift from Wal-Mart, don't get in a rasslin match with security. And if you must, don't leave the baby in the freezing car. But if you must, make sure the drugs are out of your pocket before your adventure begins (51)
(Charlotte) Stupid Playas wanna play, wankstas wanna preen, we just wanna piss, in the ice machine (38)
(Some Guy) Cool If you've ever wanted to see a pickup truck encased in a block of ice, here's your chance (110)

Tue December 23, 2008
(Some Guy) Scary Unmentionable story of the day: Underwear kiosk explosion injures 13 (77)
(Free Press) Sappy Ugly-ass baby aardvark born at the Detroit Zoo. Seriously, this thing is ugly-ass (125)
(ABC2News Baltimore) PSA Two recycled holiday stories in one convenient place: How to clear ice and snow and how to drive safely in winter weather (49)
(FARK) Photoshop Theme: Photoshop "New Years Baby 2009" and " Old Man 2008" (61)
(Free Press) Interesting Detroit has been "stealing" Canadian water for 44 years, possibly as revenge for Detroit money sucked up by Windsor strip clubs (95)
(NewsNet5) Cool Sandusky's homeless say, "Thanks for the soup" as Cedar Point donates $6,500 which coasters shook from park visitors' pockets in 2008. That's $182,000 since 1988 (95)
(WBTV) Scary I guess there's no good place to drop your ammo, but a mall escalator's got to be among the worst (74)
(AP) Fail Russian missle touted "capable of penetrating any prospective missile defenses" - assuming it reaches its tar-BOOM (75)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) Dumbass Frozen pipes + torch = burnination trifecta complete (34)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Slow news day: Here's Casey Anthony's Christmas dinner plans (92)
(The Consumerist) Obvious Easy to follow flow chart for the digital TV transition. Give it to your grandparents (184)
(Canoe) Scary Some of the 173 people trapped for six hours on world's tallest ferris wheel "a bit disturbed". But they'll come around (40)
(Some Guy) Sad Mother has a heart attack after thieves steal her kids' Christmas presents (w/ saddest picture of children posing in front of a bare Christmas tree you'll see all day) (201)
(Statesman) Interesting Austin suburb enacts ban on dog chains. Your dog doesn't want a stake (71)
(The Sun) Spiffy 30-year-old ape taught herself how to whistle after hearing her keepers. Here comes the Sun (52)
(NewsNet5) Sappy 12-year-old, who dreamed of being an Army chaplain and was made a honorary member of the US Army, dies of brain cancer and given burial with full military honors. Submitter has something in his eye (257)
(News.com.au) Strange Sting operation catches funeral crashers who attend memorial services of people they don't know in order to get free booze (63)
(Nerve) Wheaton The 10 best Wil Wheaton quotes. The story about Lard Ass strangely absent (89)
(Some Scrooge) Asinine Not news: Man told to stop loitering in front of Wal-Mart. Fark: He was dressed as Santa and handing out Wal-Mart gift cards (131)
(Yahoo) Asinine Animal rights activists plead their case by mailing lab workers used sanitary napkins and needles, saying they're infected with HIV, and accusing them of being pedophiles. Your dog wants a little farking dignity (148)
(Newsweek) Interesting Interview with actual pirate touches on mutiny, looting, turning 40 and hatred of ninjas (97)
(Dallas News) Asinine Batshiat-crazy cheerleader mom seeks revenge for little snowflake's lack of talent. Yes, it's Texas. Again (172)
(BBC) Interesting Guineans face uncertain future, missing bar towels (33)
(BBC) Amusing Pranksters put up signs on buildings telling people it is legal to pee against that wall. City council? Yeah, they're pissed (pic) (52)
(News.com.au) Obvious Iraqi parliament votes to allow presence of foreign troops in country after December 31. Whew, that's a relief (66)
(The New York Times) Sad If you had the French guy with the really long name in your "Madoff investors who lost everything" suicide pool, collect your winnings, if indeed, they can be recovered from a hopelessly complicated fake investment scheme (105)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Cool PROTIP: If you're going to a Bears game in December during sub-zero temperatures without gloves or a hat, make damn sure you remember where you parked your car (79)
(The Local (Sweden)) Silly Modern version of the Bible features busty pic of Victoria Silvstedt and graphic photo of two men French kissing. Who could possibly have a problem with that? (60)
(Stuff) Fail Between their seven other kids and their neighbor's kids, parents fail to notice that their 5-year-old son is missing after visiting Christmas lights display. For 14 hours. Sounds like the plot of a bad movie (67)
(Seattle Times) Fail Seattle proud of using cheaper, more environmentally friendly sand instead of salt to clear ice-caked streets. If you ignore fact that it doesn't clear streets, it's an excellent solution (264)
(LA Times) Asinine Donald Trump sues town for $100M for refusing to allow improvements needed to maintain the "Trump image". Which apparently involves ficus trees (39)
(CNN) Asinine "Again it is Christmastime, the season of JonBenet's death." Stay classsy, CNN (83)
(Washington Post) Interesting Washington Post and Baltimore Sun to share content. They could probably spin off a third paper just by covering the shootings and stabbings (24)
(Some Guy) Fail Chicago records 500th homicide of the year, 509 if you count the Cubs' gag job vs. the Dodgers in October (150)
(NPR) Silly A Dreidel Champion Is Crowned: "At the Spinagogue, only skill can bring home the gelt" (46)
(Dayton Daily News) Dumbass It was inevitable: co-workers of the $207M Mega Millions winners have filed suit (169)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Fotoladen dieser computer (86)
(ABC Action News) Florida Cabbage Patch Kid arrested for theft (83)
(CBS Salt Lake City) Stupid News: Man steals a truck to head home for the holidays. Fark: It's a $500,000 fire engine (27)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Woman goes to hospital for stomach pain and gives birth to the biggest cramp she's ever had: "It didn't click until I got to the hospital and I felt the head" (171)
(AP) Hero Nineteen Americans made of WIN (74)
(PennLive) Hero Rural Pennsylvania farm offers free housing & care for dogs of local deployed military personnel (77)
(Newsweek) Interesting Newsweek predicts the most powerful people of 2009. #1 and #2 are obvious, #3 not so much (204)
(Some Guy) Cool Volunteers dig kilometer long trench in two meter deep snow to rescue a pair of horses trapped on a Canadian mountain (50)
(Canada.com) Spiffy He's lived in frigid temperatures for centuries, wears a toque and boots, and employs the vertically challenged. Finally, Santa Claus is officially a Canadian citizen (43)
(My San Antonio) Interesting Santa Anna's cannonball stolen 172 years AFTER Alamo falls; delay blamed on government contractor (35)
(Canoe) Fail Grocery employees tied up, again, by gun-toting robbers. Robbers do not find any money in the store. Again (14)
(TC Palm) Florida South Florida deputy must have missed the part of training that went over when to wave a gun and "bust a cap" (31)
(AFP) Interesting Man lives one year without throwing anything away, soon to be referred to as "bachelor" (36)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Not to be outdone, man ignites house with blowtorch while melting ice on porch. House fire by blowtorch trifecta in play (43)
(Charlotte) Unlikely Photo captures image of an "angel" in hospital hallway (181)
(Charleston Gazetter) Stupid "Attempt at sex leads to wounding." Some may say he was doing it wrong, but it's just another Saturday night in West Virginia (66)
(Daily Express) Dumbass A third of teachers want creationism taught in UK schools. Although, why they need test tubes for that is anyone's guess (411)
(wlwt.com) Dumbass Attention women: stop cutting things off men while they sleep. It freaks them out. (with snip snip muggy goodness) (72)
(About.com) Unlikely Top paranormal events of 2008, or as experts call them, shenanigans (184)
(Shiny Sheet) Florida A Grinch-like -- but apparently strong -- thief has made off with an 80-pound vintage candy cane sculpture (26)
(CBS Chicago) Amusing Man tries to close his car door after it flies open on the drive home, instead ends up driving into a wall, being ejected from his car and surviving a fall of 125 feet from the overpass onto the railroad tracks below. Tada (91)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Dumbass Unhappy with your bank's customer service? Just call 9-1-1 and report the bank's being robbed (29)
(The Sun) Dumbass This is (hic) your pilot speaking...(hic) we're getting ready to (hic)... Hey, Why is there cops with guns coming at me? (41)
(Daily Express) Asinine Woman ordered out of nanny state restaurant because her baby's buggy is a 'health and safety risk' (82)
(Miami Herald) Cool Today is Festivus. Air your grievances to the right (629)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass When writing letters on behalf of an Archbishop, it's best not to refer to another Archbishop as an a-hole (19)
(Kansas.com) Dumbass You go to McDonald's and find out they no longer offer their cheap double cheeseburger do you: a. call their customer hot line. b. start a petition. c. start yelling at employees and punch the drive-through window (103)
(CBS Baltimore) Asinine Maryland State Trooper arrested at Taco Bell for trying to pay with $2 bill (276)
(CBS News) Obvious Dallas has a freeway shooter on the loose. The suspect? White male driving a pickup truck. Good luck with that (101)
(AFP) Strange Not news: Man steals car. News: Police find DNA evidence in car. Fark: Inside a mosquito (48)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this bear over a barrel (47)
(Some semi-ironic guy) Scary Water main break in suburban Maryland turns River Road into a river, trapping cars and forcing helicopter rescues (101)
(BBC) Followup British government to launch investigation into how they accidentally hired some staff with a sense of humour (70)
(Yahoo) Amusing Man eats seven pounds of latkes to win contest, thankyouverymuch  T-Shirt (49)
(LA Times) Dumbass Flashing gang signs in your Santa photo will get you arrested in L.A. In other news, gangbangers get their photos made with Santa (92)
(Abc.net.au) Weird Thailand's self-proclaimed "Scorpion Queen" sets world record by holding live venomous scorpion in her mouth for 2 minutes, 3 seconds (53)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop these men and their balls (63)
(Some Guy) Hero Beef Battalion serves steaks to troops, apparently two days in the future (65)
(CBC) Strange JESUS...Where'd he go?? (147)
(CBS Pittsburgh) Dumbass Man trying to thaw a frozen pipe succeeds in thawing pipe by setting the house on fire (47)

Mon December 22, 2008
(UPI) Amusing Convicted murderer's public defender learns some jurors and sheriff's deputies were having sex with each other during deliberations, wants jury declared well hung and her client granted a new trial (90)
(News.com.au) Weird If having a clown standing beside you reading poetry and passing towels while you use a public toilet doesn't freak you out, nothing will (59)
(Telegraph) Interesting Just like during the Great Depression, sales of cosmetics are on the rise (110)
(Quad City Times) Followup That hot cocoa sampler box you regifted might just kill someone (97)
(News.com.au) Fail Plain old garden variety fail: you fly your kite next to powerlines and it gets caught. Fark Fail: you attempt to retrieve the kite with a metal pole (87)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop these martial artists (51)
(Telegraph) Strange Gang of Santas involved in vicious street brawl (49)
(AP) Unlikely In a move that will surely be respected and embraced by the Fark community, lawmaker wants to force people to use their real names when posting comments on the Internet. "It's just true silliness" (696)
(Dallas News) Dumbass Letting your sprinklers water a highway in freezing temperatures is no way to get more business, AutoZone (but it is a way to kill people) (116)
(Daily Mail) Scary Now banks are threatening to repossess homes from people who have never been late on their mortgage. "If it can happen to us it can happen to anyone." (94)
(News.com.au) Dumbass Man tries to bribe cops $50K for a $3.80 ticket. What recession? (59)
(Examiner) Sick Chuck E. Cheese's - Where a kid can play with discarded condoms (104)
(AP) Dumbass Since of course they didn't bother to check its authenticity, NY Times admits it published a fake letter from the mayor of Paris (56)
(Reuters) Stupid Villagers attack 50 women and beat them with sticks after accusing them of witchcraft. This is not a repeat from 1692 (103)
(Some Guy) Obvious Birmingham, AL one of the least healthy cites in America. In fact no Southeastern city made the top ten. Deep fried Coca Cola surrenders (189)
(Some Bloomfieldian) Obvious What do you call a man with no legs who robs a bank, gets captured, fails at a suicide attempt, and then gets married in his prison uniform with guards as witnesses? Steven (70)
(Google) Obvious Utah's population grew faster in last ten years than that of any other state, according to Utah's Director of Clown Car Vaginism (135)
(Komo) Cool Face appears in an icicle. Since it's in the Godless Northwest, no one claiming it's Jesus (114)
(The Hollywood Reporter) Stupid It'll be "Sex in the City." With werewolves. And we'll call it "biatches." Yeah, this should end well (149)
(Some Guy) Scary Alcohol abuse: Man hits woman with beer can then empties it on her head because she refused to wear slacks (74)
(AP) Ironic Illinois Health Department falls victim to food poisoning at Office Party (55)
(Some Guy) Followup Farker Hulkster places first in Christmas display contest, wins free KFC for a year. Next Boulder/Denver Fark party is gonna be finger lickin' good (138)
(Daily News) Weird As if life isn't hard enough when you're a 15 year old albino herdsman living in rural Tanzinia, apparently you also have to worry about being kidnapped by local businessmen for the purposes of witchcraft (84)
(City Pages) Hero Bar owner who's given away 120,000 free slyders to his patrons gets inducted into White Castle Hall of Fame. In other news, there's a White Castle Hall of Fame (88)
(Contact Music) Fail Eric Clapton says shooting helps social skills. Mark David Chapman unavailable for comment (199)
(UPI) Sad ♪♪And Rocky Raccoon ♪ had blocked all the fumes ♪ killing a man with carbon monoxide ♪♪ (62)
(Reuters) Amusing That'll do pig, that'll do (52)
(The Chattanoogan) Spiffy City cuts gas line in front of popular restaurant, forcing it to close for a day. Do they a) tell them tough luck, b) spring a surprise health inspection, or c) reimburse them for their lost business? Wait, what? (36)
(Forbes) Strange Liposuction doctor powered his cars with human fat, inadvertently making the US the largest source of renewable energy in the world (101)
(ABC News) Interesting Rare disorder causes woman's heart to stop when she swallows, according to this article which WOMEN SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO SEE (96)
(SFGate) Dumbass Lonely German man A) drunk dials his ex at 3 am, B) surfs the internet for pr0n or C) jumps into polar bear cage (50)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Officer deploys his taser into naked woman, denies that it was premature (90)
(The Local (Sweden)) Amusing Is your Christmas tree feeling flaccid? Pining for a harder cone? Spruce up your tree this yule with a simple erectile aid (29)
(My Fox DC) Spiffy US cities battle over claim to Edgar Allan Poe's legacy as date of his 200th birthday nears. In Baltimore, where you take your heroes however you can get them, Poe dying drunk in the gutter seems to work just fine (59)
(Daily Mail) Weird I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a bunny who had no ears (68)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this timely delivery (49)
(wrno) Amusing Not news: sexual activity spikes during holiday season. SHOCKING ANGLE: parties and alcohol involved (136)
(AFP) Interesting Malaysia urges voluntary HIV screening for Godless heathen non-muslims and the sluts they marry (72)
(KTEN) Sad Grandpa, be careful. There's some crazy guy driving the wrong way on the interstate. One? Hell, there's a whole bunch of 'em (95)
(Sky News) Hero 72-year-old milkman has admitted supplying cannabis to pensioners to ward off their "aches and pains". In other news, some places still have milkmen (80)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida How to get arrested in Florida: Make fun of officer's "fake" gun, "fat ass" and lack of experience (44)
(Toronto Sun) Sad Today's article about owners giving up pets due to tough economic times, mild inconvenience comes from Canada. The Toronto Sun is there (85)
(Canada.com) Stupid Headline: Wikipedia new weapon in RCMP arsenal? Article: RCMP looks to implement wiki software [citation needed] (23)
(CNN) Obvious Seven ways to ruin Christmas. Spending it with your parents suspiciously absent. Bah humbug (117)
(NWCN) Scary Teeeeeeeeent roof....busted (61)
(Guardian.com) Strange Police state cracking down on bogus Christmas carolers (25)
(Local6) Florida You know things are getting bad when banks are handing out counterfeit money (31)
(Dallas News) Stupid After leading the state in abstinence education funding and HIV/AIDS cases, Dallas decides it's probably a good time to re-evaluate that 13-year-old free condom distribution ban (329)
(adn) Sad RIP Snowzilla (96)
(AFP) Interesting Vietnam customs seize....DEAR GOD, WTF is that thing? (224)
(My San Antonio) Stupid Here's a funny trick, I'll put this gun's barrel under my chin and you pull the trigger. It's not loaded, right ... right? (174)
(The Local (Germany)) Stupid Christmas Eve in a German church: "Sorry but this is my seat - I am a proper member. You seem to be just a holiday-only parishioner" (206)
(Metro) Weird This story is for everyone whose partner has ever complained about them leaving a chocolate wrapper in the car (47)
(AP) Spiffy Giving yet another reason to go to college, national trend is to allow co-ed dorms (129)
(Some Guy) Sad Montana asks its citizens to euthanize their pet frogs. Kermit inconsolable (64)
(NYPost) Obvious Carpet bagger Yankees invading Atlanta again. Still no cure for cheaper living outside of the NYC area (210)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Dumbass Proving yet again that law enforcement would be a lot harder if criminals weren't dumbasses, 61 fugitives caught by phony letter telling them they won $1,000 and had to come pick it up (75)
(Hartford Courant) Stupid Saturday's plane crash in Denver now being called a "Christmas Miracle." The war on Hannukah begins (156)
(Telegraph) Amusing Stop me if you've heard this one before. "So, a reindeer walks into a bar ..." (43)
(Gawker) Interesting "Like Rudolph Giuliani, the news crawl was great on 9/11 but was soon useless and despised" (114)
(TwinCities.com) Dumbass My computer with child porn isn't working. Better bring it in to get repaired (233)
(SLTrib) Scary Greyhound passengers stranded in Salt Lake City say they are "stuck in a winter travel nightmare with no end in sight". Relax, it's nothing to lose your head over (56)
(Daily Express) Stupid Over-emotional farmer decides not to kill the turkey for Christmas and will instead "lay a place for him at the table to eat alongside the rest of the family" (64)
(Some Guy) Stupid Actual headline: Rain causes wet roads, flooded basements. Next up: In-depth investigation into blueness of sky (26)
(RedOrbit) Hero Man arrested for playing bagpipes in public. Tag is for the policeman (91)
(Baltimore Sun) Stupid Websites offer tools to combat cyberbullying. Nancy manning up not suggested (76)
(Some Guy) Fail Not news: Don't make out, share drinks, or otherwise have intimate contact with a sick chick at an anime con. Fark: But she was dressed like Sailor Moon, I couldn't help myself (328)
(Lancashire Evening Post) Stupid Latest intensive training for police: How to climb three feet up a ladder (41)
(Guardian.com) Interesting England's Anglican church attendance to decline from 1 million today to 88,000 by 2050. "The decline will continue until Christianity becomes a minority sect of largely elderly people" (205)
(News.com.au) Amusing Just when you thought you'd heard every excuse going, along comes Mr "I thought these ecstasy tablets were birth control pills for my dog" and proves you wrong  T-Shirt (19)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this hammock hang-on (37)
(News.com.au) Followup You are on a plane that has crashed and caught fire during takeoff. Do you: a) get the fark out of the burning plane before you die, b) get the fark out of the burning plane before you die, or c) update Twitter (125)
(News.com.au) Spiffy New brain implant chip could render the internet, hands and most forms of human interaction completely obsolete (112)
(Nola.com) Asinine After solving all governmental ethics problems in Louisiana, state-run library bans 'thanks for all the hard work' Christmas cookies. For Christ's sake, c'mon now (39)
(LA Times) Scary A note attached to the bag of heads warned "For every one of mine you kill, I'm going to kill 10 of yours." Movie? No. Mexico? Yes (147)
(About.com) Asinine Not news: Troops in Iraq can finally drink beer while watching Super Bowl. Fark: Two beer limit during entire game (136)
(Telegraph) Interesting New book hypothesizes that George Patton was murdered (123)
(News.com.au) Spiffy Hot sailboarder to attempt 8-hour journey across Bass Strait to raise money for Coastcare. Did I mention she's hot? With pic (187)