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Sun January 04, 2009
(Some Guy) Scary Train takes off from station with doors still open. Which wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't 100 feet off the ground (56)
(Daily Star) Unlikely Woman falls 100 feet from her window into a vat of grapes. She's alive but, frankly, the wine is a little corked (42)
(CNN) Interesting Scientists say that that "ZOMG I can't breathe when I'm with you I love you soooo much" feeling CAN last a lifetime. But only in about 10% of the population. The rest of us are doomed to die alone with our cats (247)
(Some Guy) Obvious South Dakota Supreme Court rules that farking cops are a bunch of shiatheads for arresting man that told them to fark off. fark (114)
(Boston Globe) Unlikely Politicians want to find 998... 999... 1000 "great places" in Massachusetts. Ah, ah, ah (129)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these ten stories (68)
(The Telegram) PSA Threatening an officer with a 2x4 is not very constructive in building a good relationship with police (49)
(AZCentral) Hero Sheriff of Pinal County stops radar cameras: "I've never yet seen a photo-radar camera arrest a drunk driver or arrest a person with a warrant, ... or to just simply give directions to somebody," (157)
(Psychology Today) Interesting Looks like the average American would make an ass out of him or herself in just under 8 minutes in Finland (233)
(IndyStar) Followup Chris Hanson in need of a new schtick as appeals court rules crimes need an actual "victim" (200)
(RTE) Obvious Pilots want handheld lasers to be classified as weapons (125)
(Connecticut Post) Asinine Residents are furious that the town won't pave their steep, dangerous dirt road. Their PRIVATE, steep, dangerous dirt road (126)
(CNN) Amusing Bill Richardson's stint as Secretary of Commerce is about as successful as his presidency (201)
(AP) Stupid Illinois state workers to take seminar on ethics. Yes Illinois workers. And yes, representatives from the Governor's office will be speaking (44)
(Washington Post) Asinine Washington's Metro subway system will close many of its public parking lots adjacent to stations on Inauguration Day to better serve the public (100)
(Carlos Miller) Asinine Amtrak police arrest photographer for taking pictures of Amtrak trains. Fark: as part of Amtrak annual contest for photos of Amtrak trains. Amtrak (196)
(AJC) Sappy Ugly-ass baby panda debuts at Zoo Atlanta. With lots of ugly-ass pics (26)
(PennLive) Obvious Pennsylvania pet store, which remained open even after its owner put a kitten in the freezer and then beat it to death against the side of a dumpster, again faces cruelty charges. PETA too busy protesting milk to get involved (185)
(Cracked) Interesting Six bizarre real world versions of fictional monsters. Protip: Being pale and bored does not make you a vampire (71)
(Some Lottery Winner) Ironic He won the lottery, and died the next day (119)
(NYPost) Amusing "Duck season." "Rabbit season." "Duck season." "Rabbit season." "Hunter season." *BANG* (38)
(Some Guy) Cool The most awesome picture of a burning crater you'll see all day. Bonus: it's caused by manmade stupidity (122)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this stairway to nowhere (60)
(The Morning Call) Scary Trio robs furniture store. They apparently wanted some money under the table (12)
(SFGate) Followup Step 1. Taunt Tiger. Step Two: Get mauled by said Tiger. Step three: Profit? Step four: Get sued by city for your medical bills for getting mauled (92)
(Yahoo) Obvious When your cell phone lectures you about wearing a condom, maybe you should wear a condom, or get rid of your cell phone (27)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Friends of skydiver who died during jump scatter her ashes while performing formation jump. "Oh God, I got Debbie in my mouth" (36)
(Yahoo) Dumbass Bearded Mexican warlock predicts that the US will withdraw troops from Iraq and that Saddam will buy new satanic underpants and rise from the dead (40)
(Mirror.co.uk) Asinine If you need a C-section in Britain, make sure you have that sucker during the day, when anesthetists are actually there (76)
(Some Guy) Dumbass "They kept telling me there was this big issue with tagging around town. My son doesn't even know what tagging is. He drew a stick figure with boobs and one with a penis" (55)
(Globe and Mail) Interesting Just a little reminder that police officers can have hearts. Have you hugged a cop today? (78)
(Port Charlotte Sun) Hero LCDR Roy Boehm, founder of US Navy SEALs, has completed his final mission (54)
(The Scotsman) Obvious Job centres across the UK are routinely advertising for escort agencies, lap dancing clubs, massage parlours and TV sex channels. Still no openings for lion tamers (18)
(CNN) Followup Despite the fact that every previous holder of the title has met with certain death not long afterward, California woman eager to be named "World's Oldest" (25)
(LA Times) Scary Cincinnati is lousy. Seriously, it's so bad they have a bedbug task force (46)
(Telegraph) Spiffy Six month long exposure equals very cool photo (63)
(Corporate Mofo) Obvious "Future historians will note that American society peaked in the late 1960s" (251)
(Jalopnik) Unlikely Old and busted : "how old is your dog in human years?" new hotness : "how old is your CAR in human years" (87)
(Muskator/ Ovator) Photoshop Photoshop this stark station (44)
(Guardian.com) Amusing If you have been impersonating the president of Guyana on Facebook the Guyanan police would like a word with you (46)

Sat January 03, 2009
(SMH) Interesting Australian police spend two million on a shooting simulator because their officers have so little firearms experience they are afraid to use their own guns (105)
(AFP) Unlikely In a completely unbiased study motivated by no hidden agenda whatsoever, Catholic "scientific" study concludes that birth control pills result in serious environmental harm and male sterility (347)
(News.com.au) Obvious A tampon ad showing a beaver following a woman around all day was the most complained about ad in 2008 (153)
(TBO) Florida Instead of using a machete, the traditional weapon of Florida, man hits a person over the head with nunchakus (43)
(AP) Weird Judge rules that the First Amendment doesn't guarantee woman's right to smuggle endangered monkey meat into the country (52)
(Some Former West Virginian) Dumbass West Virginians collect bottle caps for needy cancer patients. Find out there were no cancer patients. Locals tout gullibility AND helpfulness. Bottle caps? Seriously. Bottle caps? (83)
(Reuters) Amusing "Flying Doctor" puts in order for bigger aircraft to fly world-class fatass Aussies to hospital (43)
(Some Guy) Silly Coming soon to a mall near you: Teeth-whitening kiosks. "Are they sure they are working in a disease-free mouth?'' (67)
(Jacksonville.com) Caption Caption this judger of cats (67)
(Seacoastonline.com) Amusing We were at a station / Pretending to pull out a gun / When everyone decided / To give a call into 911 / It wasn't a mock, it was a mock robbery / (down, down) (25)
(London Times) Florida Habitat for Humanity is being sued by some of the people who got free houses (248)
(Mediabistro) Amusing In an unexpected media development, SomethingAwful buys USA Today (94)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this talk show book promo (41)
(Korea Times) Amusing Kim Jong-Il appears out of nowhere to inspect North Korean tank division. Six more weeks of winter projected (55)
(US News and World Report) Scary Forget about the crappy economy, an eruption of the Yellowstone supervolcano will destroy so much life on Earth that the new economy will based on firearms and liquor, making the US and the Irish world powers (204)
(DC Examiner) Unlikely Kreskin's predictions for new year include renewed importance of the clown, bartenders as therapists, restaurants banning cell phones, and a resurgence of shepherd's pie (44)
(Telegraph) Interesting Russians claim their legendary drinking prowess is "a myth" (59)
(CNN) Cool Mars rovers have now spent five years traversing the red planet, taking soil samples, analyzing the environment, compacting debris into cubes which they then neatly stack (114)
(AP) Stupid Guy in Detroit gets IRS bill for 5 cents, which he has to pay. Now is owed 4 cents and has to request it. Then it gets weird (74)
(CBC) Dumbass 4 B.C. men rescued from ski hill's out-of-bounds area. Out of bounds or not, 2013 years is a long time to wait for a rescue (74)
(CNN) NewsFlash Ground forces move into Gaza. What could possibly go wrong? (1334)
(CBS 2 Lost Angeles) Asinine Dropping off your mail in a hurry while wearing gloves? Well that there's terrorism (95)
(ABC News) Interesting English language expected to top one million words by April, including the really stupid made-up ones like 'electrosmog' and 'Palinism' (92)
(Longmont Times-Call) Asinine Parents of damaged little snowflake demand that the school district provide something more than one on one education. In other news, "intermittent explosive disorder" is now a disorder (158)
(London Times) Amusing EU's new president says climate change is a myth. He can tell because of the pixels, and because he's seen a few other myths in his day (240)
(ABC News) Followup More polar bears found to be fasting, scientists blame global warming and the unrealistic 'ideal' sharp-kneed polar bear image created by Hollywood (41)
(CBS San Francisco) Sad Schools increasingly under criticism for restraining Special Ed students and putting them in "quiet rooms" (172)
(Daily Mail) Florida Orangutan learns how to jet-ski (with smoking hot trainer pics) (134)
(WPXI) Sad Teenager totals mustang (83)
(Seacoastonline.com) Strange Oh, Christmas tree, Oh, Christmas tree, Oh Why have you attacked me? Kicked to the curb with no more star, why would you fly into my car? (28)
(NYPost) Followup Madoff victims say their losses aren't as big as initially reported. In related news, the cops who assess pot busts and the cops who assess financial crimes all use the same math (29)
(Guardian.com) Spiffy Woman gives birth on London Underground, considers naming the child accordingly. Thankfully the station was Kingsbury and not Elephant and Castle (65)
(Some Guy) Sad Police fatally shoot German history buff - "Mein laben" (103)
(WFTV) Dumbass Best mugshot of crying home burglar you will see in the next... well, ever. Seriously (104)
(Google) Stupid School in England bans the word "school" because that word may have "negative connotations" for the parents (71)
(Baltimore Sun) Dumbass Busy Moms of Working Families complain their Snowflakes' holiday vacation is too long. "After 2 1/2 weeks of parties, sleeping later than usual and watching Hannah Montana reruns, little Jaci had hit the wall." (120)
(Bangor Daily News) Followup Every newborn in Maine will now receive $500 towards college. It's not Alaska money, but it's not bad (56)
(Some Guy) Caption Caption, Will Robinson Caption (67)
(NPR) Strange First they came for the helper parrots, and I said nothing. Then they came for the guide horses, and still I kept silent (39)
(Yahoo) Scary Fear turns to anger after Aspen bomb scares. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering (63)
(Boston Globe) Followup "The story is about more than contraband seafood. It is a tale of lobsters on a death-defying journey, one marred by tragedy and for some, redemption." (29)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this Russian chapel (109)
(Washington Post) Followup The woman who kept that kids football in October? Yeah, she is suing the parents now (126)
(ABC News) Strange 42 year old woman's 2009 resolution: "Find any man... just so I am married in a year." Creates a website where men apply to meet her. Because there is nothing as attractive as a desperate woman past her "use by" date (122)
(Boston Globe) Cool Massachusetts police say they can not and will not enforce marijuana ban (146)
(AZCentral) Followup Not news: Cat stuck in a tree. News: Police Officer in pajamas waving his gun at the scene. Fark: sounds like Caturday (401)
(Some Guy) Scary Only thing worse than having one drunken Brit run amok on a flight? Having 40 of them going wild and trying to open the emergency exits at 20,000 feet (88)
(Mirror.co.uk) Strange Man finds long-lost sister 43 years later, next street over (21)
(TampaBays10.com) Florida Radisson hotel clerk lets woman who lost her wallet stay for a couple of hours on Christmas day, and is widely praised by management for her holiday kindness. Just kidding, she was fired (72)
(CTV) Scary Bullet goes through suspects chest, through a wall, into a bystanders face, for a grand total of zero life threatening injuries. In Canada, even the bullets are nice (42)
(Telegraph) Obvious Karl Lagerfeld defends fur industry: "Beasts would kill us if we didn't kill them first" (134)
(TBO) Florida Can you heal me now? (29)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop some life into this mausoleum (61)
(Some Guy) Dumbass And you thought your boss was an asshole (287)
(UPI) Obvious Researchers have confirmed the benefits of plants on surgery patients. Most patients prefer them rolled into joints rather than placed on their bedside table (29)
(MSNBC) Obvious Apparently so many people aren't buying DTV converter boxes that the program is running out of money. A government program that underestimated funding needs? How'd that happen? (222)

Fri January 02, 2009
(Newsweek) Fail "Police in North Dakota say 17-year-old called 911 to report a drunken driver: herself" (119)
(Daily Star) Dumbass Nanny state tries to stop girls' toys being made in pink because pink melts childrens' brains (125)
(AP) Weird If you have been trying to reach an Alabama unemployment hot line and get a lady in California try again...you will get another lady in California...and another (34)
(National Post) Hero Why Canada's Highway of Heroes is a model of how other nations should salute their war dead. Or, other nations could just keep bringing them back on cargo flights to military bases at 3 a.m (pic) (192)
(News.com.au) Amusing Not news: police in Sydney arrest man for drink-driving and possession of cocaine and viagra. Fark: he says he was on his way to pick up Paris Hilton (35)
(The Sun) Sappy A slideshow of the world's cutest interracial couple. The Sun is there, and is cutting across all barriers (83)
(International Herald Tribune) Amusing "Want to drive a convoy of trucks loaded with fuel across Afghanistan? Be prepared to pay a $6,000 bribe per truck, so the police will not tip off the Taliban." In the US we call that a "tax" (47)
(DFW Star-Telegram) Spiffy Best jail EVER. Cells that lock from the inside, unidentified pills strewn about, and recliners in some cells (37)
(St. Petersburg Times) Unlikely Couple buys 80-year-old penthouse of Babe Ruth. Who knew they'd been publishing for that long? (26)
(WRAL) Asinine Cold-hearted North Carolina police ticket the ice cream man. WRAL has the scoop (52)
(AJC) Asinine Man sits in jail for eight months without a lawyer, let alone a trial, because the state refuses to pay for one. You stay classy, Georgia (126)
(Some Guy) Interesting For $50K you can be the proud owner of the Topeka, KS school that was the subject of Brown v. Board of Education (44)
(WBAL Baltimore) Dumbass Man lighting illegal fireworks while facing strong winds starts New Years off with a bang, skin grafts (15)
(Daily Mail) Weird Man relishes the chance to get into the record books by sucking an entire bottle of ketchup through a straw. Mustard been tough to do (40)
(News 8 Austin) Fail Group takes "polar plunge" into pool. A 70-degree pool (98)
(Toronto Star) Interesting Top ten places in the world that beat Detroit for worst place to live (88)
(Denver Post) Amusing Porcupines are destroying the trees, doors, tool handles, footwear and vehicle tires in Telluride. "It's all just a mystery" (52)
(NWANews.com) Asinine Notice to all: if your girlfriend films a 16-year-old in the shower, admits to police she did it to frame you, then beats you with a shovel you will still go to jail in Arkansas (137)
(News 10 ABC Sacramento) Scary 15,000 criminals might get out of prison early, so California doesn't go broke (116)
(Fox News) Sad Somewhere in the world today we have a new world's oldest person. Congratulations (23)
(TC Palm) Florida Would-be criminal's not-so-great start to the new year: falls through vent, breaks toilet, gets bit by police dog, and photo online for all the world to see (12)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing The Smoking Gun's first mugshot round up of the year will leave you seeing stars (176)
(Some Guy) Spiffy A review of 2008: The year in beer (52)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this detector digging (42)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida It's never a good thing when a dude dressed as a woman hops into your truck, starts fondling you, and says, "I need to make 20 bucks" (77)
(ABC News) Strange Mother explains why she's still breast-feeding her 6-year old: "When he needs comforting, he will ask his mother for 'nummies'." (w/creepy video) (440)
(USA Today) Interesting Reverend tries to live like Jesus for a year, but fails. "If you get serious about the Bible, it will really mess you up" (172)
(Google) Amusing Greek crew attacked by pirates. It worked out as well as it did for Xerxes (61)
(Yahoo) Sad I know why the caged bird sings: it's trapped in a trailer with a dead fat woman (35)
(Seacoastonline.com) Cool The best mug shot of a guy who superglued his neighbor's door lock that you'll see all day (71)
(Yahoo) Followup Airline that insisted yesterday that it did nothing wrong by booting nine Muslims from a flight, and therefore would not apologize to them or reimburse their tickets; has now apologized and offered to reimburse their tickets (312)
(Newsday) Strange Learning to count Fark headline style: 1) man walks 2) miles to hospital with 3) gunshot wounts in torso (44)
(LA Times) Interesting Volvo to release a "crash proof car" that will ensure that by 2020 noone is killed or injured in a Volvo, sales of automatic ejector seats will go through the roof (84)
(USA Today) Spiffy If you ever wanted to smell, taste, and feel the need to use the urinal all at once, the 'Heineken Experience' reopens in Amsterdam (83)
(WSMV) Unlikely Army recalls 50-year-old vet, who separated over 15 years ago, to deploy overseas until 2010. Talk about hitting bottom of the barrel (300)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Cunning thief robs bank, dye pack explodes, doesn't get deterred, gets away. OH THE HUED MAN INDEED (78)
(CNN) Dumbass How do you get tricked into becoming a suicide bomber? Ask this guy (146)
(Michigan Messenger) Silly Michigan, having solved all its other problems, reverses the ban on hanging fuzzy dice from your rearview mirror (51)
(AP) Weird Apparently when people think "I need to kill myself" they also are likely to think "hey why don't I do it in a National Park?" (126)
(CBS News) Fail Woman accidentally shoots boyfriend while trying to commit suicide. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG (61)
(Boston Globe) Amusing Boston looks to Detroit as an example of success, because, when one thinks of success, one immediately thinks of Detroit (89)
(610wiod.com) Florida Thousands of shoes litter Palmetto Expressway. OH THE SHOE-MANITY (66)
(Google) Interesting Australia refuses to accept Gitmo detainees. Because the last thing Australia wants is a bunch of criminals from another country (92)
(London Times) Fail Plane crashes onto train line cutting off rail services to part of Britain no-one wants to visit anyway (62)
(My Fox Colorado) Stupid Forgetting its New Years resolution to only report serious news, the media presents this hard hitting story about a man who decorates his house in Budweiser beer cans (40)
(WFTV) Florida Beating a woman and stealing her money and cell phone: Criminal. Answering stolen cell phone: Dumbass criminal. Using cell phone to meet up with victim's boyfriend, ending in your arrest: Florida criminal (46)
(The Local (Sweden)) Sad What a Saab story: Swedes buying air freshener that smells of new leather and vinyl when they can no longer afford new wheels (37)
(Las Vegas Sun) Obvious Jesus appears in woman's floor tile (pic). With priceless quote from her brother. Article written by a man named Pope (123)
(BBC) Spiffy Why is braille so brilliant? See for yourself (111)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Naked woman charged with child abuse, resisting arrest, assault on a peace officer, disorderly conduct, criminal mischief, possession of a controlled substance and public intoxication. She's been busy (62)
(Telegraph) Spiffy 360 degree mirror is 'every woman's dream'...apparently it puts the seat down on the toilet and knows where the g-spot is (135)
(Telegraph) Interesting Neighbors call the police after spotting a science-fiction fan armed with a longbow. Suspect dons Cloak of Embarassment +3 after cops track him down (124)
(KXLY) Strange Police order man to stop clearing snow off neighbors' driveways (108)
(Mathaba) Obvious "I am profoundly troubled that the call of this council, issued nearly four days ago, for an end to the violence has gone unheeded," UN Secretary-general Ban Ki-moon said with a straight face (361)
(News.com.au) Spiffy We're all going to be having more sexual intercourse in 2009...well, except for you (169)
(Daily Mail) Sappy London Ultrasound Centre offers service that uses scans to produce a bronze cast of the unborn clump of cells, will next offer silver casts of your ruptured appendix or gold casts of your kidney stones (45)
(Stop) Photoshop Photoshop this hammer time (34)
(Some Guy) Stupid Apparently the French really know how to throw a new year's party. Over 1000 cars torched over the New Years eve celebrations. That, or they really don't like cars (89)
(BBC) Interesting Norway bans the buying of sex. Jewelry store owners devastated (103)
(Some Guy) Strange Couple that met through speed-dating now using speed-babysitting to find someone to watch their kid. "It's kind of a strange way to find someone, in the space of three minutes, who will care for your children" (40)
(Washington Post) Dumbass Muslim family removed from plane after commenting on location of engines (667)
(CBS Baltimore) Obvious If you guessed 50 minutes until Baltimore's first homicide of 2009, put on your kevlar and step up to collect your prize (100)
(No wonder it's on Overstock.com) Stupid Nothing says "I have class" like a $2700 bronze yard statue featuring two children who appear to be farking (149)
(Daily Star) Dumbass In an unorthodox bid to tackle the growing problem of binge drinking, the cost of beer in the UK is slashed to its lowest level in 20 years (46)
(TC Palm) Interesting People will still laugh at you behind your back when they find out what you do, but the market is currently booming for male nurses (155)
(SeattlePI) Obvious Honey makers who label their product "organic" fail to realize that bees can't tell a flower sprayed with pesticide from one that isn't (74)
(Daily Mail) Stupid Now vets can prescribe pills for your pets that will help relieve stress. Your dog wants a microbrew and a joint (41)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this half a pair of lamps (62)
(Stuff) Silly If you had "one" in the "number of days into the new year before someone auctions off a bit of food that looks like Jesus" pool, please step forward to claim your prize. Christ on a cracker (51)
(UPI) Obvious Homeless man ordered by judge to stop going commando (35)
(News.com.au) Strange A burning sensation is usually expected after a brothel visit...not during (37)

Thu January 01, 2009
(AP) Asinine You thought YOUR New Year's Eve sucked? Try being unable to move or speak, and being forgotten on a bus overnight in 20 degree weather (91)
(Daily Express) Unlikely Store owner who wanted to spend more time at home leaves his shop open and asks the public to "just leave the cash if they take anything" (55)
(BBC) Cool Family finds $4M classic car in deceased relative's garage (144)
(NME) Amusing Released documents from 1978 investigation finds that the Sex Pistols were such a threat to the fabric of society that legal actions were considered at the highest levels (87)
(Daily Mail) Asinine If you're stupid enough to advertise your party on Facebook, you have to expect something like this to happen (58)
(Kare 11) Obvious If you keep $250,000 in hundred dollar bills in a safe in your house, you might want to lock it before inviting your two teen grandchildren to spend Christmas Day (97)
(MSNBC) Interesting Two brothers, on their own dime, do something the U.S. Navy couldn't...find their father's sub that sank 65 years ago (62)
(News.com.au) Asinine Fresh from the "It seemed like a good idea at the time" Files: Police set up breath testing station at only exit to 3-day music festival with 15,000 people inside (124)
(CNN) Stupid Thieves steal a $10k statue owned by investment fraud Bernie Madoff. They later return it with a note that says "lesson: return rightful property to its owners." Yeah, THAT did it. He is a changed man now (46)
(Providence Journal) Sad Former Rhode Island senator Claiborne Pell, who gave us Pell grants, dies at age 90 (129)
(CBC) Interesting Study shows that French Canadians can't sleep, pronounce "th", pass a strip club or poutine stand (33)
(Daily Express) Dumbass Train driver refuses to stop at any stations because the "satnav is broken" (41)
(Daily Mail) Sad Woman with inoperable brain tumor spends her first and last Christmas with her ten-month old twins (121)
(10TV) Scary 2009 Mother of the Year challenger enters competition 4:15 a.m. January 1. Brings cocaine, baby and wrong-way interstate driving to the talent portion of the competition (36)
(Daily Record (UK)) Dumbass Millionaire lawyer fined for serving his date spotted dick for dessert at fancy restaurant (44)
(MSNBC) Spiffy If they lose it, they will come (56)
(Toronto Star) Amusing Nova Scotia couple amused to get Christmas card from anonymous stranger in Florida, addressed only to 'Hick In The Woods.' "We laughed our fool heads off," say bumpkins (64)
(Houston Press) Stupid Urine trouble if you let this Pole treat your cancer, and ureter wasted or urea fool to visit his orifice. Urinal lot of trouble, and urethra sucker or stoned if you swallow his speel. I'm not kidneys a real dick (64)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this strangely staged scene (43)
(Some Gray) Unlikely Art Bell returns to field more 2009 predictions, the best combo of tinfoil & volatility this side of Jiffy Pop (96)
(SlashFilm) Cool "Back to the Future" to be remade, Bollywood style: "Ravi? Ravi. It's Suroosh - your cousin Suroosh Shankar. You know that new sound you're looking for? Listen to this" (149)
(AP) Stupid You want to stop a friend from driving drunk, do you A) Take his Keys B) Give him a ride, or C) Blast his windshield with paintballs? (59)
(FARK) Survey Post your prediction for 2009. Difficulty: one prediction per post. Link goes to Fark's prediction thread for 2008, a few of which were actually right (975)
(AP) Scary Another sign of the bad economy: drug dealers taking gift cards as payment (82)
(Telegraph) Weird Man convicted of writing "rude comments" about women in public toilets prohibited from owning pens for three years (59)
(BBC) Obvious Cuba celebrates 50 years of revolution. Citizens reportedly very, very dizzy (77)
(FARK) Spiffy Congratulations to the winners of Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest (160)
(The Sun) Hero "He looked like he had had a few drinks and decided to do a late-night break in, but he hadn't counted on the God of Thunder living here" (pic) (81)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Birdwatcher travels to Norway to catch glimpse of rare bird, only to find one nesting in her garden when she gets home (39)
(KTUL) PSA The Oklahoma Turnpike Authority would appreciate it if you would please stop throwing dirty diapers in their toll machines (72)
(9 News) Strange Officer's powerful premature discharge from cleaning his gun goes through a wall and into a bathroom, hitting his wife. That's his story and he's sticking to it (84)
(AOL) Dumbass Two teens set sleeping teen's hair on fire just to film it in their camera phone. With big dumb-looking teen mugshot (95)
(CSMonitor) Misc European Union to be taken over by ultraconservative nationalist from Prague. He says he's looking for more like him, but there just aren't many good places to cache Czechs (83)
(Some Guy) Followup Snowplow driver fired after driving his truck into the river, right next to the van he'll now be living in (26)
(Some Guy) Spiffy January is National Blood Donor Month, followed by February's "Vampire Weight Loss Challenge" (46)
(NASA) Cool Some beautiful time lapse videos of the heavens (20)
(BBC) Followup Fireworks reportedly to blame in deadly fire at Bangkok nightclub. Members of Great White thankful they have alibis (23)
(CNN) Interesting Mexican authorities capture drug trafficker known as "The Strawberry". "The Gooden", "The Dykstra" still at large (38)
(Newsday) Dumbass In a chilling last-minute upset, Long Island man wins Excellence in Seamanship award for 2008 (18)
(AP) Weird Priest tries to move a fallen tree from a road, and a second tree falls, killing him. Authorities say the only witness was a red-eyed black rotweiler, and they also noted a strange low chanting sound in latin (39)
(BBC) Spiffy Baby born on Northwest Airlines transatlantic flight, already lost by luggage handlers (72)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this boy at the board (51)
(Miami Herald) Misc Truck hauling eggs ovaturns, rescuers scramble to help. Omelette you know, it was dangerous. No yolk (67)
(AP) Interesting Baltimore's murder rate declined in 2008. Authorities attribute success to new program: "hey lets call 'The Wire' a reality show, and broadcast it free to the projects and to inmates" (51)
(NJ.com) Sad Battleship New Jersey to cut hours, reschedule invasion of Delaware (56)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest: Puns and wordplay (details in thread) (64)
(WFTV) Florida You're dissatisfied with the long wait at a hospital ER. Do you a) take a deep breath and count to 10, b) complain, or c) say you've planted a bomb and run out of the building? Take your time, but consider the tag for this story (34)
(Some Maine-iac) Dumbass Two Rhode Island men hike to a cabin in New Hampshire only to discover that they know nothing about being in a cabin in New Hampshire (98)
(Some Guy) Interesting Canadians increasingly drinking their faces off to get to sleep, forget they live in Canada (55)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these pipes of privacy (32)
(Fox Toledo) Interesting "At midnight, a huge lit up sausage gets dropped in Elmore every New Years Eve." Yeah, thats what she said (27)
(Metro) Strange Physically disabled duck teaches kids about quacking barriers [w/pic] (38)
(Haiku You Too) Ironic 2008: A Year in Haiku (117)
(BBC) Interesting New Year's resolutions found to be bad for your health (33)
(Channel 4) Strange No happy endings when police force tries to give employees Indian head massages (30)
(nbcdfwbbq) Obvious Tips for avoiding New Year's Day hangover: (1) don't drink enough; or (2) drink enough to sleep until Jan 2nd (74)
(Wikipedia) Misc 2009 is off to a good start where it has happened. No one, at least semi-famous has died yet (99)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 191: "B-Sides and Unreleased Tracks". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme (109)

Wed December 31, 2008
(ABC 4) Amusing Today's lesson, children, 'Stop flicking boogers at your classmates' (24)
(TBO) Florida This one time, in band camp, I played skin flute with the band director (55)
(FARK) Cool Official New Year's Eve thread. You submitted this with a better year (397)
(WFTV) Florida Woman Arrested After Hitting Self With Frying Pan. Wait, what? (w/mugshot) (90)
(Google) Weird Not news: Man arrested. News: for breaking into home. Fark: his own home. "He broke into the garage and house, grabbed the booty, and took off in the car" (38)
(C|Net) Cool A complete brewery inside of a 2-foot by 8-foot kitchen counter? It's more awesome than you think (81)
(Reuters) Sad One fire in Bangkok leaves the nightclub crumbled / It left the New Year's corpses extra crispy / I can hear the devil sliding up to me (72)
(Canada.com) Sappy Mystery visitors leave gifts on disabled vet's doorstep on each of the 12 days leading up to Christmas. Submitter seems to have something in his eye (51)
(The Earth Times) Interesting New Year's resolution to give up alcohol can be bad for your health (81)
(Wikipedia) Photoshop Photoshop theme: worst movie/TV show remake idea you can imagine. Difficulty - good luck topping some of the stuff already out (126)
(The Smoking Gun) Followup Asked why he ran a stop sign, a drunk Charles Barkley told cops that he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who, a week earlier, gave him the greatest blow job of his life (232)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If you want to keep your job as NASA adminstrator do you (a) claim that the shuttle will blow up if you lose your job (b) call the people on the transition team "liars" (c) have your wife beg for your job (d) All of the above (51)
(Dallas News) Dumbass Desperate for a job? Do you A) Use a recruiter, B) Brush up the old resume, or C) Put up a $1200, three-day billboard ad advertising yourself as a "savvy chic stylopolitan fashion guru" (w/ pic) (192)
(Financial Times) Scary Car bomb rocks Bilbao in Spain. Gandalf and Gimli reportedly escaped uninjured (63)
(CTV) Amusing Hiro Nakamura and Ando Masahashi wanted in violent home invasion. Police claim suspects seem to have simply disappeared (57)
(Some Guy) Sappy Doctor tells woman her liver looks like a "dried up old meatloaf," gives her about 10 minutes to live until another woman's liver replaces the meatloaf. Man, I'm hungry (41)
(SLTrib) Unlikely Bar owner says state's new smoking ban doesn't apply to cigarettes because they don't meet the state's tax-code definition of "tobacco product." (156)
(TwinCities.com) Strange Charges dropped against a man who poached a deer... with a crossbow... on an urban interstate highway... during morning rush hour (65)
(Dallas News) Interesting "First baby of the year" now overshadowed by "Holy crap induce labor before the new year so we don't have to pay our insurance deductible" babies (88)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest: Business (details in thread) (90)
(Philly) Interesting Sinkhole swallows Philadelphia Water Department truck (with pic goodness) (77)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest: Politics (details in thread) (129)
(Telegraph) Cool 202 candles. Dayum (63)
(MSNBC) Obvious Radical new plan in Washington suggests instead of giving incarcerated illegals three square meals a day and two showers a week, they should be deported (249)
(Denver Post) Interesting 7-11 is recalling its burritos out of concerns they may be contaminated with Listeria monocyto genes. Then again, if you eat 7-11 burritos, that's probably the least of your problems (96)
(Newsday) Misc Public health at risk because NY state's environmental dept underpays clam inspectors. Those shellfish bastards (43)
(Nerve) Cool The coolest collection of the year's most ridiculous news photos you'll see, well, all year (76)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Stupid Pop quiz, hotshot: You get hurt playing a sport. Do you: A) play through the pain, B) put some ice on it, C) file a lawsuit. What do you do? What do you do? (104)
(Columbia Tribune) Stupid Missouri lawmakers look to boost economy by increasing the value of novelty lighters (80)
(Washington Post) Misc List of things besides 'the ball' dropped across the country during the countdown to New Year's. 'Pants' surprisingly not on the list (68)
(SF Weekly) Stupid San Francisco Weekly scrapes the absolute bottom of the barrel to pull through 2008 and offers up a LOLcat year in review (120)
(Baltimore Sun) Hero Actual Headline "Oregon woman, 88, fends off naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing" (86)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest: Showbiz (details in thread) (69)
(JSOnline) Dumbass Milwaukee man who campaigned against dunk driving is arrested for ... ah, go ahead and guess (143)
(AFP) Strange Italian men who set off illegal fireworks may not get to have sex, will have to keep their Roman Candles to themselves (34)
(SFGate) Obvious "News flash: There is no such thing as objectivity in American journalism" (97)
(TC Palm) Florida If your girlfriend suspects you have "trick hoes", better keep the knives away from her (51)
(The Record) Asinine Man arrested for impersonating a police officer because he was wearing a T-shirt that said "Police" on it; charges of being a Sting fan still pending (165)
(Toronto Star) Scary Enjoy the stunning view of Lake Ontario...for the next two-and-a-half hours (74)
(Some Udon Guy) Weird Angered by noodle impurities that sickened his daughter, Korean father ramens his car through factory gate (34)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Not News: Fender bender in small town. News: Former City Comissioner to the rescue. Fark: While he's helping, thieves steal his bike (12)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest: Geek (details in thread) (58)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest: Sports (details in thread) (94)
(Cracked) Interesting Finally, a Cracked list that could save the life of many a Farker. 10 Drinking Myths That Can Kill You (265)
(Some Guy) Scary Not news: man decides to go outside for a breath of fresh air. Fark: he was 30,000 feet over the Caribbean at the time (43)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Man exposes himself to deputies while explaining he didn't mean to expose himself while complimenting family's dog. During questioning, "he was asked repeatedly to close his legs" (38)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Woman who couldn't afford Christmas presents for her children wins £1 million on scratch-off lottery ticket. Which explains why she couldn't afford Christmas presents for her children (131)
(Telegraph) Weird British man breaks world record by sitting on his ass for 48 hours (35)
(Some Bored Shopper) Photoshop It's a chair. Photoshop it (80)
(WOAI) Amusing Woman apparently confused as to what state she lives in shoots out tires of repo man taking her car (68)
(My San Antonio) Unlikely 39-year-old musician from Los Angeles goes to court to lay claim to south Texas dry-land shipwreck with $3 billion in treasure and uses Google Earth to make sure that nobody is excavating site. Oh, and don't forget about the cannibal tribe (82)
(Some Maine-iac) Spiffy 103-year-old woman credits her longevity to coffee, doughnuts, peanut butter and cheese. Behold the power of cheese (52)
(Google) Fail New law going into effect Thursday requires Georgia's 16,000 registered sex offenders to give not-so-tech savvy authorities their screen names and email passwords. 16,000 new email accounts expected to be created by Friday morning (102)
(News.com.au) Spiffy It's now fashionable to be like a 1950's housewife as more and more young women master the arts of sewing, cooking, knitting, gardening, and raising chooks (186)
(ABC News) Dumbass Fark's favorite news reporter informs us that gas fireplaces save money and the earth, failing to realize that natural gas does not come from Bartertown, is not controlled by Master Blaster (61)
(My San Antonio) Asinine Hot Catholic Texas high school teacher fired because she... got married? (300)
(Some Maine-iac) Dumbass Working toward a Maine tag: Man does several thousand dollars damage to a civic center and gets a DWI, while on a Zamboni (37)
(AP) Amusing "If I see one more corporation declare itself 'green,' I'm going to start burning tires in my backyard," (214)
(London Times) Stupid Nanny State discontinues making offenders on work furlough wear bright orange jackets because the precious little prisoner snowflakes can't handle the taunting (45)
(AZCentral) Silly News: Man says that after women fought for the right to wear pants, men should be able to wear skirts. Fark: "Dear Abby" agrees. "Who's to say you're not on the leading edge of what's to come?" (145)
(Abc.net.au) Asinine Victoria, Australia bans electric cigarettes. In other news: there are electric cigarettes (138)
(OC Register) Strange If your kid got shot by the cops, you'd want compensation, too. This family wants some money and a memorial statue at Disneyland (54)
(Some Guy) Cool Teen earns all 121 merit badges offered by the Boy Scouts. He's prepared (160)
(Gawker) Obvious Congress: "Obama's inauguration will most likely kill you, stay away." Crush level crowds expected everywhere in city (315)
(Fox News) Asinine Another year, another look at wacky laws still on the books: In West Virginia it is illegal to taunt someone who decides not to participate in a duel or who declines to accept a challenge (148)
(The Sun) Interesting What's black and white and red all over? Hint: The Sun is there (81)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop these old bicycle tools (48)
(WWSB ABC 7) Florida Guy being chased by cops calls 911 to distract them. Pro Tip: probably should head opposite direction than the one you send the cops (28)
(New York Daily News) Sad Woody Allen's ex-wife's daughter, who is the sister of his daughter/wife and aunt to his grandchildren nieces-in-law passes away (193)

Tue December 30, 2008
(Rochester D&C) Hero A 72-year old man jumped from the second floor of his townhouse, broke through a first floor window and put out a fire. Where's the "badass" tag? (90)
(CBS Sacramento) Obvious Appeals court rules that sending someone to jail for 28 years for forgetting to tell authorities where you moved to is a bit much (156)
(The Morning Call) Dumbass Asshat arrested for calling 911 over 100 times for such complaints as a rock in his yard being moved 4 inches, pool water ruining his grass and children making noise (113)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Man dies after a six-hour wait in a hospital because the staff was too busy posing for a calendar to help him (155)
(Some Giant) Photoshop Photoshop this gigantic operatic abduction (51)
(Spiegel) Caption Give a voice to this face in a crowd (198)
(Abc.net.au) Cool Germany's newest tourist attraction: Beer Lake (54)
(Oregon Live) Amusing Car wash worker drives away would-be robber with high-pressure wash hose. Police seeking shiny, pina colada scented man (38)
(Livenews) Strange In a bid to make Egypt's streets less crappy, citizens urged to put diapers on their asses (36)
(AHN) Dumbass Iranian students storm embassy. This is not a repeat from 1979 (426)
(9 News) Dumbass Breaking: Shanahan fired in Denver. Headline from 2009: Shanahan hired in Detroit (378)
(Some Chick) Obvious Smokers are urged to use the "Stay Quit Monday" concept and continuing with the "Eat Everything Tuesday" and finishing the week with "I Hate Everyone Because I Need A Cigarette Sunday" (127)
(WTOP) Obvious NASA releases 400-page report on Columbia crash detailing possible causes of astronaut fatalities, including falling 100,000 feet, sucking on vacuum, being exploded (178)
(Examiner) Followup Bristol Palin could receive $300,000 for baby pictures. IT'S A TRIPP (189)
(Reuters) Silly Survey reveals that the most desirable celebrity neighbor is Sarah Palin, presumably because people wouldn't have to worry about magazines being stolen from their mailboxes (89)
(City Pages) Asinine Top 10 Douchebags of 2008. It's a slideshow, which means subby should be on the list (228)
(Deseret News) Silly What is it about Utah and questionable taste in gang tattoos? (135)
(MSNBC) Scary Q: What's the difference between Pakistan and a pancake? A: I don't know any pankaces that are going to go to war with India (342)
(Tacoma News Tribune) Asinine Megachurch Pastor Casey Treat is granted a permit to build a helipad at his church, so that he can be whisked in and out on the wings of angels just like Jesus would have wanted (235)
(Palm Beach Post) Followup Ten-year-old Internet sensation reporter denied credentials for inauguration (64)
(BBC) Amusing "Thank you for accessing your account through Barclays internet banking service. Your current balance is £99,999,998,517.57 overdrawn." (66)
(Fox News) Dumbass To prove their days of wild, unnecessary spending are over, Chrysler takes out full-page ads to thank tax-payers for "investing" in them with bailout money (128)
(Some Guys) Photoshop Photoshop this exercise in futility (45)
(Swissinfo) Cool Punk rock-ish chick takes the world of Alpine Hornblowing by storm, with obligatory does she give you the horn picture goodness (199)
(TampaBays10.com) Florida Time again for news agencies dust off their yearly stories about not celebrating New Year's with dangerous fireworks, firing guns into neighbors (29)
(Daily Camera) Obvious Pets drink more during the holidays, too. No word on whether they try to sleep with their high school classmates (28)
(Greenwood Index-Journal) Dumbass Step 1: woman comes home to find man breaking into her house. Step 2: woman stabs attacker. Step 3: attacker calls 911 to report he's been stabbed (41)
(Denver Post) Interesting Drunk man bangs on the door of the wrong house and is fatally shot. DA to decide if the homeowner is protected by the "Make my day" law, enacted shortly after the "Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?" shooting (424)
(News.com.au) Amusing Nipples and genitals out in new piercing rules. But you clicked as soon as you read "Nipples and genitals out", right? (74)
(The Sun) Stupid Ferret thinks it's a dog. The Sun is there (88)
(WFTV) Hero 78-year-old Doctor honored as "Country Doctor of the year" for 50-years of house calls. Only charged $3 when he started, has been paid in apple pie, ad still sees up to 30 patients a day (67)
(Honolulu Star-Bulletin) Sick Man goes to put flowers on the graves of his family and finds the graves empty and the coffins sitting out in the sun (168)
(LA Times) Obvious Breaking News: People who live in proximity to a liquor store tend to drink more (124)
(AP) Fail County worker tries to clean off boat ramp with snowplow, ends up sinking $200,000 loader (60)
(Some Guy) Asinine Cop won't let neighbor onto his yard to rescue his cat stuck in a tree. "It seems like I just have to sit here and watch my cat starve to death or freeze to death." (330)
(BBC) Interesting Kashmiri parties agree to coalition, soft comfortable fabric (22)
(NYPost) Dumbass If you're stealing a car, make sure your cell phone doesn't accidentally dial 911 while it's in your pocket. "I got some guys on the phone . . . It's a cellphone but it sounds like they are ripping off a car." (16)
(MSNBC) Followup Police: 'Jena Six' teen shoots self, Jena Six Dumbass Trifecta now in play (216)
(Some guy who doesn't know art) Ironic Sculpture of a huge sail billowing in the wind gets destroyed by billowing wind (37)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 HEADLINE OF THE YEAR contest (details in thread) (170)
(Don't Taze Me Bro) Dumbass Sliding across a police officers hood Dukes of Hazzard style; That's a Tazin (23)
(Daily Mail) Cool Aside from that guy who gets paid to drink beer, this chap might have the best job in the world (61)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Followup Remember all those smokers claiming that the indoor smoking ban would cripple bar business? Well, no pun intended, but suck it (311)
(WTOP) Asinine The guy who wants "under God" removed from the pledge of allegiance has now set his sights on Obama's inauguration (252)
(WFTV) Florida While running away from police during a traffic stop is generally not a smart thing to do, leaving the car in gear so it rolls into a tree with a 2-year-old inside will certainly make matters worse (21)
(11 Alive) Cool Israeli navy rams Cynthia McKinney's boat. US support for Israel increases ten-fold (370)
(CNN) Followup Despite 375+ dead, Hamas defiant. They say they intend on fighting till the death, which is scheduled around 2 pm local time Saturday (300)
(WBBM) Weird I told you that you can't trust a bald man who paints himself blue....and it was already weird (78)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Woman woman woman on on on the the the pill pill pill gives gives gives birth birth birth to to to triplets triplets triplets (124)
(The Local (Sweden)) Amusing Swedish police place drunk skiers in freight containers. Detainees must prove they can slalom in a straight line prior to release (47)
(Some Guy) Obvious New York City organizers have "Good Riddance Day." The rest of the country will celebrate it January 20, 2009 (128)
(Some Guy) Sad The fish you are about to enjoy is certified dolphin-free. 50-year-old professional swimmers, however, may still be included (55)
(SMH) Dumbass Australian man attacks police with "great balls of fire". Goodness gracious (34)
(IOL) Cool Woman arrested in "marriage for money" scam. One down, three billion to go (177)
(Birmingham Evening Mail) Followup Woman gets pacemaker fitted to stop sandwiches from trying to kill her (34)
(Some Guy) Dumbass When attempting an armed robbery, try to make sure that your gun doesn't fall apart in the middle of the heist (43)
(USA Today) Fail Airlines managed to cancel over 9,000 flights in the first few days of the holiday travel season. Coming soon: cancellation fees, bad weather surchages, and an irritation tax (84)
(Google) Scary "Swarm" of earthquakes at Yellowstone National Park. Suddenly bears stealing pic-a-nic baskets doesn't seem so scary  T-Shirt (305)
(Some Guy) Scary Teen boy gets nailed with a hammer in Woodland, family pines for justice, victim maple through  T-Shirt (39)
(Washington Post) Asinine Some of our brave troops are also battling an enemy in the homeland: Ex-spouses suing for full custody of their kids on the premise that their service obligations make them unfit parents (181)
(Reuters) Interesting Australians angry about Christian campaign to ban topless beaches in country out of fear it will make the country "look like prudes" (97)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these festive runners (39)
(Daily Mail) Sappy Firefighters in Britain use baby oxygen masks to revive six cats from a house fire (with pic) (42)
(Science Daily) Asinine Because smokers aren't persecuted enough, scientists warn about the dangers of "third-hand" smoke (237)
(DFW Star-Telegram) Interesting The only thing worse than a panhandler is a panhandler soliciting donations door-to-door. "That's where it started to cross the line in my mind." (73)
(BBC) Asinine Nanny state recommends technological "speed limiters" be installed on cars to save lives and make sure no one complains that you're driving 60 in the fast lane (96)
(Some Guy) Weird Convenience store customer loudly complains of no syrup in the soda dispenser, then things get weird (52)
(News.com.au) Spiffy Scary: saltwater crocodile wanders through campsite. Proper Hard: 20 campers jump on crocodile and restrain it until wildlife workers arrive to remove it (78)
(The News Star) Followup Jena Six leader caught taking a five finger discount. Rev. Sharpton unavailable for comment (226)
(Guardian.com) PSA If you party until 2:00am and wake up at 6:30am to go to work, you're probably still drunk (175)

Mon December 29, 2008
(CNN) Scary Grunge causes a resurgence of heavy metal in Tennessee (60)
(DCExaminer) Sad Washington D.C.'s Toys For Cops program a big success (36)
(Wordpress) Photoshop Photoshop this blue light special (63)
(Breitbart.com) Hero Atheist soldier sues US military over Christian bias. God help hi... er, uh. Good luck (973)
(Houston Chronicle) Asinine Study shows an increase in wrecks at red-light camera sites, which, in the eyes of the city, somehow proves the cameras are working (156)
(AJC) Obvious People don't want to go to Atlanta because there's nothing to do there (201)
(Telegraph) Interesting European Neanderthals had ginger hair and freckles, shorter work weeks than western counterparts (105)
(TBO) Florida Did you cedar man who was arrested after he "began to make motions against a tree" simulating a sex act? Wonders why the cops won't leaf him alone, but he was just aspen for trouble (90)
(CBN) Unlikely Candy canes may be healthy for you, according to study performed by Willy Wonka State University (28)
(People Magazine) Interesting Sarah Palin's second grandchild has arrived: Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Who the hell names their kid Johnston? (528)
(News 10 ABC Sacramento) Sad When fired from your job do you 1) apply for unemployment, 2) sue for wrongful termination, or 3) kill the boss's dog with a shotgun (87)
(Seattle Times) Obvious Couples in bedrooms across America debate whether they should let the economy decide if they have children or not. "We would like to repopulate the world with smart people." (160)
(Reuters) Obvious NYC tourists spent $30 billion in 2008, mostly on gum removal from shoes, bedbug treatments and dry cleaning to remove the smell of urine (98)
(International Herald Tribune) Strange Thai policemen wear smiley face masks to "lift spirits of motorists" (pic) (75)
(CBS News) Interesting Kim Jong-Il attends concert. Among the songs he enjoyed: "All Hail the Not-Dead Dear Leader," "A Foot in the Grave Moves Socialism Forward," and "We Still Love You; Don't Kill Us" (44)
(Daily Herald) Dumbass Advice for all you aspiring bank robbers out there: When using a note to announce the stick-up, the back of your pay stub is not, repeat NOT, a suitable piece of paper (14)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida The bikini teacher is back. And she will fight you. Oh yes. She will fight you (147)
(JSOnline) Fail Protip: When designing a website for a state agency, make sure the picture of the skyline is one from that state (66)
(Chicago Tribune) Asinine If you live in Chicago, the 8.50 a pack smokes that you can't smoke in bars may soon cost you 10 bucks. Oh yeah, and you might not be able to smoke in your own home anymore either (270)
(Canoe) Interesting Vancouver worried about snow for the 2010 Winter Olympics. Wait, what? (61)
(Some Guy) Scary Oregon Department of Transportation is considering using satellite technology and mandatory GPS transponders in vehicles to tax people according to how much they drive, find and kill Sarah Connor (303)
(Some Guy-atollah) Photoshop Photoshop this sand dune sitting dude (83)
(Kansas City) Sad Another sign the economy is in the tank, people are abandoning ponies. You still can't have one. Not yours (79)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Man arrested for trying to kill his girlfriend with a knife and fork. Reportedly didn't use a spoon because he hates Alanis Morissette songs (53)
(Reuters) Scary Eight snowmobilers lost after avalanche in Canada, say police, who apparently don't realize they're probably just under all that snow somewhere (48)
(SherboMan) Spiffy Irish man wins world sheep shagging contest. Shags 731 sheep in 8 hours, that's 0.65 sheep a minute and a whole lot of lube (64)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Size 14 women found to be happier about life than women who don't generate their own gravitational fields (870)
(WBBM) Dumbass Another sign of the bad economy: man chooses jail rather than paying a buck and a half for a soda. Or maybe he was just drunk (23)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest, Round 4: October through December (details in thread) (108)
(MSNBC) Obvious Scientists discover that visiting family "warps your brain." Their water team is also on the verge of confirming that water is, in fact, wet (44)
(BBC) Dumbass Man convicted of having sex on Dubai beach bemoans the massive legal bill, calling it "An extremely expensive situation". Sounds like someone's got a little sand in their vagina (155)
(Yahoo) Obvious Dr. Noshiat Sherlock of the Duh Institute says studies show gay teens less likely to use drugs or kill themselves if their parents don't freak the fark out when the teens "come out" to them (141)
(Local10) Florida Local 10 does a recap of Fark headlines for the past year, without mentioning Fark (56)
(Washington Post) Asinine D.C. to ban smelly vagrants from sleeping in public libraries. And someone is actually opposed to that (192)
(AP) Obvious Another sign of a bad economy: fewer tourists vacationing at the Sen. Craig bathroom in the Minneapolis airport (35)
(AZCentral) Interesting Controversial new "green" Bible hits the shelf. Noah's flood was a product of global warming and Jesus recycled all that fish and loaves of bread (254)
(Philly) Strange ...and in other news, apparently "Iceland is known as the hot dog capital of the world" (77)
(USA Today) Dumbass More and more people are taking "polar bear plunges" into frigid water to help support the Special Olympics. In other news, more and more people are training for the Special Olympics by plunging into frigid water (46)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Teacher fired for violating school dress code by wearing sneakers to class. Although he's the PE teacher (81)
(Daily Herald) Asinine What happens when two co-workers from a car dealership are boozing in a parked car owned by the dealership and one of them overdoses? This is America, so obviously the family of the dead guy sues the dealership (121)
(Houston Chronicle) Followup Whistleblower lady who exposed contractor fraud and has waited six years for repairs found dead in her mold-infested, still-unrepaired home (74)
(FARK) Survey Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest, Round 3: July through September (details in thread) (103)
(USA Today) Unlikely Rules of the Recession, Part I: Your penny-pinching uncle and cheap first date are about to seem like much cooler people (80)
(Some Manly Man) Interesting "Any daily count of stories about things we now must fear, tallies in dozens. Is this the sign of a great people, this grovelling in what is petty, low, fearsome, or unequal?" (114)
(The Raw Story) Strange Allen Ginsberg once called Henry Kissinger and suggested that to promote world peace they should appear on TV together...in the nude. Once again the superiority of recreational drugs from the 60s is demonstrated (61)
(Some Guy) Fail Not news, it's bad when the police break down your door during a training raid. News, it's really bad when it's the wrong house. Fark, It wasn't the police, it was the fire department (29)
(ProJo.com) Sappy 15 and 19 year old Rhode Islanders now parents for the third time after giving birth to ugly ass giraffe early last week. (with pic and video) (36)
(Boston Globe) Stupid In these tough economic times, more corporate executives are reaching out employees to listen to their concerns. Just kidding, they're taking evasive-driving classes so they can avoid employees and make quick getaways (57)
(USA Today) Dumbass In hard financial times, some Americans are seeking out second or third jobs. Some are filing for unemployment. Others are cutting back expenses. And some...well, some are just printing their own money (36)
(Discovery) Interesting Forget global warming -- the Earth is spinning slower. Global Slowing is also, undoubtedly, caused by humans. Either too many of us or we are getting to fat (165)
(NYPost) Sappy Ugly-ass titi monkeys born at Bronx Zoo. Aw, who am I kidding? It's the cutest little titi you'll see today (46)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop these hat-wearing heads of state (57)
(CBS Baltimore) Dumbass Two Liberians accused of trying to scam restaurateur, confuse him with Dewey decimal system (33)
(News.com.au) Amusing They may be small, round and frequently smelly, but telling your class of 11-year olds that they're a "pack of arseholes" tends to be frowned upon (58)
(NYPost) Asinine What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. In contrast, what happens in New York City gets your daughters strip-searched and you banned from ever becoming a foster mother (88)
(Daily Mail) Scary Hide and Seek is a much more interesting game when the loser risks being eaten by a polar bear (55)
(MSNBC) Sad Oldest American man dies, eliciting sorrow for many, yet a roster spot on the Toronto Maple Leafs  T-Shirt (32)
(MSNBC) Weird One out of five people don't have anyone to kiss on New Year's Eve, and more people kiss their pets than their friends that night (73)
(AP) Misc High wind knocks out power to 413,000 homes and businesses in the state of Michigan. It still wasn't as devastating as losing to Appalachian State and Toledo though (35)
(Fox News) Scary Jets pound Hamas, earn spot in playoffs  T-Shirt (712)
(The Local (Sweden)) Amusing It really doesn't matter how annoying you find the capitalist pigs at your local golf course, you won't be able to blow them up with an ECG machine (20)
(MSNBC) Interesting Teens who make pledges of abstinence still having premarital sex and not using protection. New pledges are to be reminded that crossing your fingers does not invalidate your vow of premarital celibacy (104)
(Telegraph) Dumbass You are unable to get through to vote for reality show "Strictly Come Dancing" so you a) forget about it and get ice cream, b) just wait and call later or c) call 911 to complain (23)
(TC Palm) Florida "May I see your skateboarder identification card please?" (50)
(News.com.au) Amusing This new year, people are vowing to eat more yak, learn to belch the alphabet, get a comma problem under control, and learn the name of flowers. Suddenly your resolution to eat less and work out more seems boring (29)
(News.com.au) Fail No matter how badly you're craving a smoke, always - ALWAYS - turn your oxygen bottle off first (32)
(Abc.net.au) Spiffy Ten members of the Chase and Tackle Squad capture bank robber in Sydney (9)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Meet the man whose hobby is eating at restaurants rated three stars by Michelin. So far he's eaten at...well...all of them in the entire world. Your steak wants the bulkhead seat (64)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these mighty warriors (42)
(Newsday) Sad Class of 09 finds out the hard way that the world needs garbage men too (276)