If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.
GoogleWeb Fark
Sun March 15, 2009
(AP) Sad Ron Silver dead at 62 of cancer. Goodnight, That Guy (34)
(Science Daily) Interesting Doctors find single question can identify problem drinkers. Surprisingly not: "Do you read Fark?"  T-Shirt (71)
(Salon) Ironic Mexico says 'emo' youths face discrimination. Subby thought that was the whole point of emo (42)
(KVAL TV) Scary Drunk Driver runs red HOLY JESUS WHAT IS THAT GODDAMN ANIMAL?? (103)
(LA Times) Dumbass Man wielding machete and baseball bat still had yet to see Indiana Jones apparently (65)
(NASA) Interesting NASA has finished plugging the leak with gum and duct tape. Shuttle scheduled to launch tonight at 7:43pm Eastern (262)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this closeup (42)
(UPI) Cool Washington D.C. has A Desire Named Streetcar (58)
(Local6) Florida If you dropped four 55-gallon trash bags filled with pot on an Ocala road, dude, total bummer (60)
(The Sun) Amusing Near-naked Aer Lingus promotion in London has tongues wagging (The Sun is there with a not safe for work pic) (110)
(KMOT-TV) Amusing Not news: Amtrak train hits car, no injuries. News: occupants of car were having sex when the train hit. Fark: occupants were still having sex when the police and first responders show up (96)
(Some Guy) Ironic It's the Ides of March, so here's a crazy guy named Julius awaiting trial for getting all stabby on his parents (77)
(Yahoo) Interesting Liberians granted temporary protection in the US may be sent back to their country, threaten to take Dewey Decimal System with them (72)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Today's "man gets arrested for DWI and his friend drives drunk to visit him" story brought to you by Spring Valley, NY (29)
(Daily Star) Dumbass My life as a lapdancer is hell but my cruel boyfriend lives off my earnings and never lets me have a day off. What should I do? (254)
(Billings Gazette) Dumbass Medical hemp caregiver asks Montana DOT for streetlights to grow cannabis because it costs up to $1100 to start an indoor garden for 6 plants. Like, Dude, you're so doing it wrong (68)
(WWL) Fail "Police put pothead in pokey, pinched putting potted pot on porch perch" (45)
(Kitsap Sun) Scary Man threatens to kill wife after she finds Facebook boyfriend from 32 years ago. Sounds like she's available again (76)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this fortunate feline (56)
(BBC) Interesting "France, he said, had made peace with Germany, had forgiven Germany.. but it could never - never - forgive the British and Americans for the liberation" (459)
(Dayton Daily News) Cool Old and busted: Punxsutawney Phil emerging from his home. New and improved: Salamander Sam banging Salamander Sue in front of 30 high-schoolers amid a full-throated chorus of chirping peeper frogs. Spring is just around the corner (40)
(ABC News) Obvious In an attempt to stay relevant, Bin Laden releases new tape, breaks up with Jennifer Aniston (232)
(AP) Spiffy Driver's Ed turns 75, signals left while turning right, plows into a farmer's market  T-Shirt (60)
(Google) Strange Court says it will only accept new filings from people who bring their own paper due to shortage. Also suggests you go to the bathroom before arriving (26)
(Kitsap Sun) Sad Boy's $2 bill collection stolen; sheriff's department alerts local Taco Bell restaurants  T-Shirt (70)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop these barefoot bridesmaids (33)
(News.com.au) Asinine Thousands are flocking to a Roman Catholic Church on an island in the Indian Ocean after the face of Jesus is found in the pleats of a cushion (90)
(WRAL) Asinine Judge orders women to stop homeschooling her children, despite them testing 2 years above their grade level. The reason? Her "teaching is strictly out of the Bible" (572)
(Some Guy) Weird A man waiting on a transaction at a jewelry counter told the female employee he had once been a painter - and that "the chemicals had fried his brain and he had a hard time communicating with women." Then things get weird (42)
(Some Canuck) Asinine Welfare mom living in camp with her 6 kids and 6 pets wires $2000 to Cameroon for two dogs, shocked to learn she was scammed (117)
(Des Moines Register) Stupid Not news: Mother signs liability waiver mandated by state so her daughter can attend baseball game. News: girl gets hit in head by bat. Fark: State Supreme Court rules the city has to pay damages in spite of waiver (116)
(My Fox Boston) Dumbass DA: Cop made drug pickup in uniform (65)
(Some Guy) Hero Protip: Never attack a Midwesterner with over 70 years of ice scraper experience (53)
(OU Daily) Asinine Corporate liability attorneys breathe a sigh of relief as Oklahoma students win the Red Bull "drive as fast as you can on public roads and pass-on-the-shoulder" challenge (37)
(Herald-Leader) Hero Lexington Pub installs self-serve beer taps at every table. Owner says it's great, except for some guy named Drew who never leaves (70)

Sat March 14, 2009
(Some Guy) Asinine Ohio wants fewer kickball games on Statehouse lawn. Damn you whippersnappers, damn you (48)
(KeysNet) Florida If your excuse for being in posession of 13.5lbs of marijuana is "I found it," there is no need to add that you kept it to grow more and sell it (77)
(Boston Globe) Sad The man who showed that alcohol causes cirrhosis of the liver has died. Let's all drink one to him (52)
(JSOnline) Stupid Two teens charged with spraying pepper spray in a Wisconsin Walmart. With mugshots that look exactly as you would expect (194)
(KWWL) Unlikely If your dog can't stop chasing its tail or licking things, it's not just being a dog, it has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your dog wants Zoloft (101)
(Some Hombre) Scary How to survive a TSHTF scenario by someone who did so while living in Argentina during its 2001-02 crisis (172)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this chubby baby (63)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Man arrested for assault with a guitar. C.C. Deville considers trademark infringement lawsuit (72)
(Some Guy) Amusing India would love to send astronauts into space by 2015, but not until somebody does something about those 200 bags of trash the Russians threw out of the Mir Space Station (56)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Attaching antlers to the doe you killed won't fool anybody. Probably won't work with the genitals, either (71)
(Some rum drinker) Followup Remember that story about the Pennsylvania Liquor Board hiring a firm to teach employees not to be rude? Um, yeah...about that (70)
(Some Guy) Hero Bankruptcy auction entrance fee: $0. Bidding for items: $$$. Giving items back to bankrupt family: Priceless (173)
(CBS News) Dumbass Malaysian man mistakes his neighbor for a monkey, goes apeshiat (27)
(Reuters) Interesting Madagascar opposition gives president four hours to quit, reopen ports (70)
(AP) Spiffy LA ends pet sterilzation program, is considering shifting their focus from pets to stupid celebrities (55)
(Gilroy Dispatch) Strange Knock knock. Who's there? Naked. Naked who? Naked 28-year old drunk woman on your porch (127)
(Some Guy) Interesting Pittsburgh's graffiti task force is so good that out of state 'artists' have moved into town to challenge them (126)
(SeattlePI) Dumbass Protip: When selecting a target to rob, make sure said target is not a Tae Kwon Do studio (61)
(The Nation) Obvious New Lincoln anthology explains why Abe is so cool again. Could have been done in two words: Barack Obama (68)
(BBC) Obvious Tiresome atheists now launching "debaptism" campaigns, even though bishops point out the Orwellian nature of it: "It's a bit like trying to expunge Trotsky from the photos" (550)
(Mercury News) Dumbass "Female P.E. teacher arrested for lesbian sex with a female student" trifecta now in play - in the same school district - in the last two weeks. Male students vow to reorganize, try harder (94)
(CNN) Scary Russia to use Cuban airbases. No, this is not a repeat from 1962 (311)
(Some motherfarking snake) Stupid If you return home from the airport to find a snake in your suitcase, make sure it's real before you call 911. Fire Captain: "We went in and determined it was a rubber snake. We handed it to him and left." (29)
(Telegram) Photoshop Photoshop this womens' basketball player (39)
(CBC) Scary The wheels on the bus are three blocks back, three blocks back, three blocks back (33)
(ICNetwork) Amusing "Hello air traffic control, this is the Red Arrows flight demonstration team, why has a Boeing 737 joined our formation?" (45)
(The Local (Sweden)) Dumbass Nine Swedish cops in trouble for making "sandwich cake" with extra special ingredient (shh, it's penis) (30)
(MumbaiMirror) Weird Wedding music upsets the neighbor's goat. Neighbor complains. Then things get a little Farky (7)
(Telegraph) Obvious Man killed by his own tattoo. Just another reason not to voluntarily get yourself disfigured (150)
(Boston Globe) Obvious Amtrak gets a boost as Obama finds one more way to rail the country (217)
(Dayton Daily News) Strange "Several complaints were made on John Street about a topless female trying to fight another female. All the callers stated they have never seen anything quite like that and felt that it was very shocking to them" (47)
(Google) Sad 26,000 CA teachers angry about being given pink slips. But considering that these are the teachers that raised a generation to vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger, maybe they deserve it (164)
(Some Guy) Obvious Obama's agenda may prove too much for Congress, which is much more accustomed to sitting on its collective lazy ass and doing jack shiat all day (134)
(Abc.net.au) Scary "Hopedomes" begin popping up across the USA (341)
(FDNM) Dumbass Judges likely will throw the book at speed readers  T-Shirt (17)
(Some Guy) Silly Couple buys a second-hand couch, gets a Caturday surprise (435)
(KXII) Fail If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. And if you can do the time, don't do it in the same cell with the convicted killer you testified against  T-Shirt (63)
(Some Pi Lovin' Guy) Cool Happy Pi Day (124)
(News.com.au) Scary Woman seriously injured after a ute crashes into her home and pins her to a couch. What the hell is a ute?  T-Shirt (89)
(Google) Photoshop Today's Iron Photoshop Ingredient: Bones (LGT GIS) (47)
(ABC News) Florida Man has no idea what to do with his spare time, decides to hit bullets with a hammer in his driveway (47)
(News.com.au) Interesting Albinos give the ol' pinkeye to gangs of thugs who like to kill them and turn their organs into lucky charms. "We are urging the international community to exert some pressure," says their leader, Keychain  T-Shirt (44)
(The Sun) Interesting Cannibal squirrels "go nuts" for squirrel-flavored potato chips. Why yes, we do have pics (43)
(Some Guy) Florida Thieves use relish to steal a woman's purse. They mustard been good because the cops haven't been able to ketchup with them yet  T-Shirt (23)
(Newsday) Interesting More people than ever are turning to the funeral industry in a recession economy, which is a great idea right up to the point of the zombie apocalypse (39)
(KNX1070) Followup Octomom gets warm welcome from her neighbors at her new home. Nah, just kidding. Her house was TPed on the first day (135)
(Guardian.com) Obvious "Being allowed to drink regularly is one of my strongest childhood memories perhaps because, once I started school and began socialising with children who weren't from Italian families, I realised how rare it was" (64)
(Sign On San Diego) Sappy Ugly-assed baby elephant born at the San Diego Zoo. With awww pic (36)
(MSNBC) Followup Man pleads guilty for trying to sell stolen Hitler bookmark. Catholic bishop denies there ever was a bookmark (33)

Fri March 13, 2009
(WXYZ Detroit) Fail News: Bank robbery suspect is caught by police. Fark: Suspect took a wrong turn into police station. Ultrafark: He had a magic marker beard drawn on (54)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop these aqua teens (44)
(The Local (Germany)) Obvious Bottled water as contaminated with hormones as tap (83)
(Some Guy) Asinine What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas... unless you take a military training missile that looks like the real thing, you live next to a school and the cops find it (19)
(CBS New York) Amusing NYC finds new recession-proof way to protect middle school students: slip them condoms in their goodie bags (56)
(MSNBC) Interesting Green tea, mushrooms decrease cancer risk, increase trippin' balls (86)
(Daily Star) Dumbass Model refuses to go on roller coaster ride for fears her breasts 'would explode' with the G-Force (pic) (137)
(CNN) Interesting Pope will skip the Holocaust museum on his trip to Israel, citing the outrageous gift shop prices as a reason (129)
(CBS New York) Dumbass Desperate for good publicity, Chrysler crashes funeral to collect tissue sample from former employee (57)
(Statesman) Obvious Advice for under-21s going to South Padre Island: "Try not to make it obvious that you're wasted" (35)
(UPI) Obvious New study shows children in stressful families are more likely to swallow a lot of aggression. Along with a lot of pizzas (55)
(Fox News) Fail Woman charged with drugging boss's coffee, impersonating a doctor, stuffing a corpse in her trunk and then imprisoning her boss while she and her 2 friends ran the company without anyone noticing -- well maybe not those last parts (65)
(CBC) Interesting Canadian government creates budget beer to prevent cross providential beer war (92)
(Shreveport Times) Strange Man arrested on drug charges. Fark: "after construction workers witnessed him on his hands and knees, eating mud and growling like a dog" (47)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing TSG Mugshot roundup Friday. Theme: Irish pride (349)
(AP) Spiffy You can get married at Juliet's house in Verona, but be aware that while it may seem romantic at first, it will probably end up being a tragedy (42)
(3 News New Zealand) Dumbass If you recently stole a mountain bike from a park in the Bay of Plenty, the Whakatane police would like it back, because they only have one left and they're supposed to be preventing thefts and stuff (33)
(Local6) Florida Today's "Third grader shows off his gun at school" brought to you by Ft Lauderdale (60)
(Canada.com) Strange Photographer who took iconic photo of Canadian native protester, and native protester himself, both die suddenly on the same day and at the same age (76)
(Reuters) Interesting Obama administration drops term "enemy combatant" for detainees held at Guantanamo Bay, will now be known as "friends you haven't met yet" (582)
(Denver Post) Cool Proof Coloradans are better than you: even though it's easier to get drunk at altitude, they still drink more than you anyway (166)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Bubbles (57)
(Time) Cool TIME asks: Can marijuana help rescue California's economy... or something... man, I could really go for some burritos (598)
(Washington Post) Strange Soldier wearing Joker costume, wanted in stabbing of a fellow soldier, shot dead in national park after pointing a shotgun at police. Seriously (78)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida If you're a registered sex offender on bail for harassment, it probably isn't a real good idea to stand at your window and show your junk to kids waiting for the school bus (54)
(Kansas City) Unlikely Driver who ran down pedestrian tries out defence that he was suffering from PTSD as a result of his fraternity hazing two months earlier (95)
(Google) Scary Ten kids accidentally drink windshield wiper fluid at day care; employees noticed something was wrong when the kids started swaying back and forth rhythmically (112)
(The Sun) Asinine Nanny State won't let couple call their cottage "The Love Shack" even though it's a little old place where they can get together (pic) (122)
(Boston Globe) Dumbass Wanted man avoids arrest for twenty-one years until he shines a laser pointer at a cop. But it was funny, so it was totally worth it (79)
(700 WLW) Asinine Fight fires: check. Clean fire engine: check. Put hot girl in your gear and make fun of other fire depts.: check. Put videos on YouTube: oops (147)
(Some Guy) PSA Tips for dating a female cop (264)
(Fox News) Stupid Living with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air? Congratulations, you're "homeless" according to the standard set by recent report finding 1 out of every 50 children is homeless (87)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Once again people: Your HOA is a contractual agreement. You do not get a free pass for "patriotism" (343)
(LA Times) Silly Two urban hipsters try to live on food stamps, find it hard to purchase cheap organic arugula and bison meat on a budget (251)
(Some Guy) Interesting FBI tells two out of every three Freedom of Information Act requesters that it can't find the records they requested. Nothing to see here citizen, move along (73)
(The Sun) Sappy Two ugly-ass snoutless pigs born on southern Chinese farm. Still smell awful, look delicious (with pic) (56)
(Google) Interesting Mystery man repairs broken West Virginia traffic light, public await arrival of mystery dentist (34)
(USA Today) Scary When you wash your baby, you're washing your baby with CANCER (68)
(WFTV) Florida Sting targets underage spring break drinkers. Lex Luger unavailable for comment (57)
(CBS Sacramento) Interesting Paraplegic man gets bitten by spider and walks again...waiting to start spinning webs (111)
(FARK) Cool Fark Party - Madrid, Spain - Saturday, March 14 (DIT) (40)
(Seattle Times) Stupid Good idea: Putting bad people in prison. Bad idea: Prison overcrowding. Good idea: Letting petty criminals out early to save money. Bad idea: Spending the savings on rent money for the people you just released (65)
(Local6) Followup Missing 5-year old's father marries his 17-year old girlfriend, honeymoons in New York, appears on the Today show to say he doesn't want the media to focus on his personal life (162)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing This weeks TSG photo contest. Match the perp to the tat. Contest ends at 4pm Eastern (80)
(Some Guy) Spiffy British "twitchhiker" travels to Wichita in 12 days, and it's all thanks to strangers on Twitter (84)
(Some Dumbass) Fail Awww, this guy drove cross country and waited outside his girlfriend's college classroom to surprise her and ask her to marry him. Wait, did I say college? I meant middle school (122)
(The Sun) Amusing Pub staff and drinkers got sunstroke - after the manager blundered by installing high-powered UV tanning lights (41)
(ABC Action News) Florida If you're wearing ankle-monitoring bracelet while awaiting trial for burglary, remember the police can track you if decide to climb on roof and rob another home. (with mugshot goodness) (23)
(DFW Star-Telegram) Scary Welcome to Tenaha, TX. All non-whites passing through please forfeit all your cash and possessions under our search-and-seizure law. "We try to enforce the law here, we're not doing this to raise money" (372)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida 101 ways to pick up women, number 73: Drag a pot bellied pig down the street over broken glass. Wait....WTF??? (58)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Two fire engines, 12 firefighters and paramedics called out to save a woman that tried to save a seagull (50)
(Boston Globe) Scary You can now be sued for libel even if everything you wrote was true (177)
(wspa.com) Interesting Tractor trailer overturns, spilling tons of kitty litter on interstate. Motorists are advised to avoid the clumps (36)
(Pew Research) Sad One in three Americans say they wouldn't even notice if their local paper folded, let alone care (166)
(WBBM) Fail Miss May to appear in Playboy's May issue and in Chicago court on DUI charges. (w/ 'centerfold mugshot 'goodness) (110)
(Telegraph) Unlikely Snapping your fingers at the waiter is apparently the biggest faux pas you can make on a first date. Surprisingly absent: "dick in a box" (173)
(Philly) Amusing Things could get hairy as New Jersey contemplates a ban on Brazilian waxes (144)
(Secretly Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Add a twist ending to an otherwise untwisty movie (89)
(New York Daily News) Amusing Welcome home, Bernie. Welcome home. See Madoff's new living quarters (167)
(Boston Globe) Interesting Kenyan-born Muslim claims he is an American, not a terrorist. Like we haven't heard that one before (99)
(SMH) Hero Trucking company owner builds 747-400 airliner simulator in his warehouse that rivals $60 million commerical versions. Wins Guinness world record for it, and donates all hire fees to charity (64)
(Telegraph) Asinine The latest social planning strategy from the country that gave us apartheid: "corrective rape" for lesbians (260)
(Xenu) Interesting Will Smith's wife opens school based on L. Ron Hubbard's methodology - but says it's not a Scientology school (200)
(The Sun) Unlikely "A man who broke into an adult shop and had sex with blow-up dolls says he had a 'pretty healthy' sex life" (54)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Man kills girlfriend after she tells him he can't have any more beer, then enjoys a cold one (131)
(News.com.au) Amusing Leading historian says Australia needs to stop considering New Zealand as the "cousin at the party who's got the short trousers" (78)
(New Zealand Herald) Dumbass Seven-month pregnant woman who has never had a license leaves court on her eighth drunk driving charge and goes straight to a bar (110)
(Newsday) Sad Step aside, Lance Armstrong - 87-year-old becomes the hottest thing on two wheels (41)
(TheSpec.com) Unlikely Hot Canadian MP tries to block the release of a Bollywood movie she made before she was elected, saying, "That's not my body." For once, more than a few Canadian voters hope they're being lied to by a politician (67)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this ladybug merry-go-round (46)
(The Sun) Interesting Satan's footprints found in English snowbank. The Sun is there to shed some light on it (pics) (83)
(KCRA 3) Obvious Lifetouch Photographer took the whole touch thing a bit too far (36)
(Panama City News Herald) Florida Explaining you lost your nose doesn't excuse you from taking DUI Finger to Nose exercise (66)

Thu March 12, 2009
(AFP) Obvious Japanese doctor explains that people should smoke themselves to an early death to save the country money on elderly care, but apologizes anyway (86)
(Metro) Sick "My partner poured the peppers into a pan and was startled to find a clump of mouse fur and intestines falling out of the bag" (110)
(Google) VideoEdit Animation Theme: Out of This World (DIT) (52)
(Denver Channel) Asinine Despite damning testimony from two other officers at the scene, Denver police officer is found not guilty of beating teen. By the way, not one Denver police officer has been convicted in the past 20 years of excessive force (215)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Boy, 13, goes on 'electric shock free-for-all' (49)
(Some Guy) Sick Confused about what to do with your growing stash of soiled adult diapers? Litter your neighborhood with them (60)
(Google) Followup You know those chat room posts by the German shooter? Yep, fakes (43)
(Omaha World Herald) Scary 12-yr old walks into and robs bar, the other 2 ducked (29)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Anti-smoking ban causes man to fall from vehicle, writhe around in landscaping and throw pilfered crayons at cars. Just another night at your local Chilis restaurant (62)
(Daily Record) Dumbass Apparently this needs repeating: If you're driving with 347 bags of heroin in your car, obey all traffic laws and don't do something stupid that will cause the police to pull you over (42)
(Post Crescent) Asinine School district decides that Civil War re-enactment for 5th-grade snowflakes shouldn't include all that icky shooting and war stuff (104)
(My Fox NY) Florida Plaxico Burress gets four traffic tickets but avoids shooting himself (32)
(Boston Globe) Hero Mass to big Pharma: "No more plush gifts and bribes to the medical industry" Big Pharma: "Whaaaa, we will leave if you do" Mass: "STFU it's now law" (128)
(Telegraph) Scary Don't taunt the coconut monkey (79)
(Time) Sad The most beautiful ugly pictures of Detroit you'll see all day (357)
(Some Jocks Playing Rugby) Photoshop Photoshop this UFIM (63)
(9 News) Weird Colorado rancher claims aliens abducted his cow, removed udders and reproductive organs. Combination of high altitude and drugs could be missing link in story (62)
(Daily Mail) Interesting UK Government 'alters' no smoking laws so G20 delegates don't have to stand outside. Double standards? Labour? Never (70)
(The Sun) Weird Pregnant woman claims her dead dad has appeared in scan - cradling her baby in the womb (165)
(AP) Sad Philanthropist Leonore Annenberg--of PBS sponsor The Annenberg Foundation--dead at 91 (104)
(CNN) Spiffy What's the difference between a soccer mom and a border patrol agent? Lipstick (162)
(SLTrib) Stupid Utah lawmaker wants to solve the budget problems by taxing caffeine. "We're going after people who have problems with addiction" (248)
(Yahoo) Asinine So, just to get this straight: Recruiting is so bad that the Army has had to lower its standards to allow felons, borderline retards and the elderly to serve; but they are STILL firing soldiers just for being gay? (581)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Man gets all punchy after his mom discovers him masturbating in the back yard (119)
(The Smoking Gun) Followup Read it and weep: Bernie Madoff's court confession about his Ponzi scheming (259)
(The Virginian Pilot) Weird Man arrested for going all OM-NOM-NOM-y on a hotel elevator. Cocaine is a hell of a drug (44)
(Some Guy) Cool Learning disabled teen finds $18,000 in a ditch and promptly gives away $11,000 to those he thought needed it. Then the cops get involved (173)
(Some Guy) Asinine School tells six-year-old boy that it's not OK to skip school just because you're dying of leukemia and you're flying to Rome because the Pope wants to meet you (147)
(Reuters) Dumbass German mathematician who died in 1559 receives overdue TV license bill (91)
(Daily Express) Amusing Tired of nagging wife, man takes out ad offering to give away "very high maintenance" woman for free - and gets offers. "I've had at least nine or ten people calling about her" (67)
(UPI) Scary Three members of Doctors Without Borders held in Sudan, find borders (47)
(Scranton Times) Interesting Scranton's city fathers start campaign to attract young professionals to Scranton by highlighting its lake, local Benihana, and a quirky paper company (128)
(CNN) Sad German shooter hours before the attack: "I have got a weapon here and tomorrow I am going to go to my former school and give them hell." Friend: "LOL" (109)
(Chicago Tribune) Interesting Sears Tower to be renamed to "Willis Tower". Whatchu talkin' 'bout? (140)
(BBC) Scary International Space Station evacuated in its moment of triumph (142)
(Some Guy) Obvious Women in Toronto called "the happiest in Canada", and not just because they don't have to live in a shiathole like Ottawa or Calgary (213)
(St. Petersburg Times) Interesting First hole of her life. First swing on a course. Hole-in-one. "I didn't know it was that big of a deal,'' she said. "I thought all golfers do this'' (192)
(LA Times) Interesting 82-year-old who died after mistakenly eating a plate of death cap mushrooms fondly remembered as a fungi (106)
(TC Palm) Florida Man tries to give police officer $10 lap dance, calls officers pigs in French. Then it gets weird (37)
(The Berkshire Eagle) Sick Cat fight erupts when woman attempts to inseminate her "wife" with a "turkey baster [containing] her brother's semen." Attacker breaks down a door before the couple takes the fight outside (175)
(MyFOXPhoenix) Asinine I like big butts and I can not lie: A new study suggests that if a woman has a large, plump apple bottom, she's healthy (1147)
(Some Guy) Survey If you had to pick one car to drive for the rest of your life, what would it be? Here's the cool part...car can be from any era and has all of the safety equipment and bells and whistles you would ever need (834)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Stupid Bureau of Nonsensical Subjective Polling finds that Illinois ranks 31st in poll designed to gauge Americans' sense of well-being (22)
(The Local (Germany)) Weird After solving all other problems, the Berlin city government spends €200,000 on campaign against "grumpiness" (39)
(Des Moines Register) Silly Man is outraged that a woman was allowed to be a judge on a beer-tasting panel. "Let me be clear, women are fine at picking out drapes" (127)
(Reuters) Followup Madoff pleads guilty to multi-billion dollar blockbuster fraud. That's a lot of rewind penalty charges (167)
(USA Today) Cool Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer to face off on The Daily Show tonight. Buy, buy, buy (468)
(Reuters) Weird Japan picks schoolgirl image as "cuteness ambassador." You keep using this word "ambassador." I do not think it means what you think it means (204)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: The calm before the storm (56)
(Yahoo) Dumbass There are probably better ways to thaw cold feet before your wedding than setting the hotel on fire (16)
(BBC) Scary Oil platform helicopter with 18 aboard crashes off coast of Newfoundland. More details as soon as we get a Newfie translator (82)
(Comedy Central) Silly Disney: "That's how we can sell sex to young girls" (257)
(Chronicly Horrid) Dumbass If you want to call in sick, don't text your boss and say that you fell in a hole. Search and Rescue will not be amused (39)
(Newsweek) Asinine Not News: Girl Scout makes a YouTube video to sell cookies. Fark: Other parents complain about her "unfair advantage" (130)
(3 News New Zealand) Cool Getting blind, stinking hammered in Utah just got $4 cheaper (88)
(KHOU Houston) Asinine An off-duty cop in restaurant overhears a man tell his female companion, "I can't believe you're so f---ing stupid, what the f--- were you thinking?" and arrests him for disorderly conduct. WTF? (300)
(MSNBC) Weird Court rules an oath written and signed in blood is not enforceable. Plus it's gross and creepy (59)
(MSNBC) Hero Man loses part of his finger trying to save his choking dog. Bonus: drops the dog off at the vet before taking himself to the hospital (73)
(AP) Interesting World population to hit 7 billion in 2012. 1.1 million every year will come to US. Give us your tired, your poor, your ...OK, stop right there, that's enough (142)
(The Age (Melbourne)) Amusing "I'm pretty sure I've invented a time machine. All going according to plan I'll materialise right here at 11.37am on Friday. This is just a courtesy note to make sure you're not standing in this spot at the time." (87)
(Mirror.co.uk) Weird Woman loses baby, goes blind, has brain tumour, then decides to make her life terrible (69)
(Buffalo News) Stupid School administrators continue to hassle an honor student because she has 13 piercings on her face. "Students need to learn that following the rules is not always fun and does not always feel fair." (440)
(MSNBC) Amusing Caught on camera: Deer make beer run In Greensburg, PA (36)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Celebrity chefs make you fat (58)
(Huffington Post) Cool Former Nazi camp guard living in Ohio charged with 29,000 counts of accessory to murder. Oh c'mon, isn't living in Ohio punishment enough? (180)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this Spaniard startled by spray (48)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Teacher running short on funding for school materials sells ads on tests. Bonus: He's an economics teacher (83)
(News.com.au) Scary "Luckily the horse did not chew up or swallow his testicle, but spit it onto the pavement" (88)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass If you work at a sandwich shop, you probably shouldn't shoot video of yourself cramming lettuce up your nose and then post the video on the internet (44)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 201: "Bang". Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme (149)

Wed March 11, 2009
(Some Chick) Asinine Texas man says home riddled with bullets because he displays the KKK and Confederate flags. Says the Klan is misunderstood. "We just try to live and let live and try to preserve our heritage and people get upset about it." (169)
(WikiLeaks) Scary The story of the Nazi millionaire who wanted to bomb the inauguration but was killed by his wife. No, it's not a "Law & Order" episode, but it will be (122)
(Santa Cruz Sentinel) Misc Today's teacher sleeping with student comes from San Jose, California. Complete with catfight with girl's mother at hockey game (126)
(Seattle Times) Spiffy Washington state close to passing measure granting same-sex couples the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts. Fundamentalists give their full support...just kidding, they're terrified and gearing up for a fight (863)
(Salem News) Dumbass As a general rule, you shouldn't drink rum at the police station while waiting to talk to an officer (28)
(Buffalo News) Dumbass You know you fail at life when you decide to end it and become only the third person to survive going over Niagara Falls without a barrel (78)
(CBS Sacramento) Amusing Good: Food bank gets thousands of boxes of cereal from Kellogg. Fark: Because they don't want to sell the Michael-Phelps Wheaties (110)
(BBC) Interesting DNA may free man after 27 years. Submitter has been freeing DNA for nearly 27 years, so that should balance out (55)
(AP) Fail If you're bored, find a hobby that doesn't involve making bogus 911 calls (25)
(Herald Tribune) Florida Lighting yourself on fire is no way to get your wife back (40)
(BBC) Scary Madagascar close to civil war. Ports already closed (134)
(Wall Street Journal) Scary What do Bextra, Vioxx, Lyrica, Celebrex, and Effexor all have in common? If you guess "involved in fabricated medical studies," you may claim your prize: a new and clinicallly-proven anti-anxiety medication of your choice (254)
(wsbtv.com) Amusing Myrtle Beach man in trouble with the local authorities for having a hyena in his back yard... which apparently is no laughing matter (47)
(SMH) Scary I'm shocked, shocked to find that gaming is going on in here. *BOOM* (45)
(USA Today) Scary "Congratulations, sir. You're our one millionth customer. Step over here and claim your prize" (79)
(Daily Herald) Interesting Can you tell me how to get ... to the unemployment office on 'Sesame Street?' (66)
(IndyStar) Asinine Lesbian wants to wear tuxedo to prom. Principal: no skirt, no shoes, no service (267)
(BBC) Interesting UK wants to make recording videos in movie theatres a criminal offense. Especially if it has Elaine dancing at the end (24)
(Free Press) Dumbass So you're running for election to replace a mayor who went to jail for lying. What better way to prove you're ready for the job then lying about that MBA you don't have (42)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Theme: The next step in dog or cat evolution (70)
(The Consumerist) Scary Are you two paychecks away from complete financial catastrophe? 50% of Americans would like to welcome you (402)
(USA Today) Asinine Man sues airline for $1M because of lost Xbox. Yeah, well it probably did tie his mom's basement together (98)
(The Morning Call) Amusing The saga of Zach "Cockpunch or hug him" continues, with Fark mentioned in the article (146)
(AP) Followup Shuttle Discovery launch delayed due to gas leak. NASA scientists seen carrying large amounts of duct tape (66)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Spring breaker, drinking all day, climbs up on roof. What could go wrong? (73)
(Daily Mail) Cool Diver spends two hours in hand-to-hand combat with a shark before finally winning. "I shot it six times in the head with a spear and I wasn't having much luck" (awesome pics) (206)
(The New York Times) Scary Plane makes emergency landing after one of its engines falls apart in mid-air over New York City (102)
(Philly) Obvious Realizing that a transit strike during a recession may be as dumb a move as Shelley Long leaving "Cheers," SEPTA in Philadelphia won't strike next week (60)
(BBC) Interesting Police in India fight mice by bringing in rats, will later dispose of rats with leopards, which will later be taken care of by gorillas, which may become a problem in the warm climate (64)
(Some Guy) Cool Twittering encouraged in church. Submitter still afraid of being text-communicated (61)
(Telegraph) Scary Suicide bomb blast in Sri Lanka caught on camera (warning, some pics are graphic) (164)
(UPI) Florida Anyone who has ever bought $15 of oregano in a little plastic bag should read this (51)
(CBS 4 Denver) Obvious Bristol Palin breaks off engagement with Trig's father, said to be receiving phone calls from Kevin Federline (337)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Daytona Beach woman is finalist in U.S. National Pole Dance competition. In other awesome news, there is a U.S. National Pole Dance competition (58)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing Mug shots of Phish fans arrested in drug sweep at reunion concerts (257)
(CNBC) Interesting People are finally starting to get it: "Let AIG Go Bankrupt, Not America" (283)
(ABC News) Interesting Interested in taking test to see if you drink too much alcohol? If you can't read this headline, don't bother (233)
(The Star Press) Asinine Some jerk off arrested for masturbating at his mailbox to show his neighbors "who was boss". Neighbors tell him to beat it (93)
(My Fox DC) Asinine Maryland decides you don't really have to run the red light for the camera to take your picture and for you to get a ticket (139)
(Baltimore Sun) Fail The man had been removing the gas tank when he walked away from the vehicle to warm himself near a barrel that had a fire burning inside (33)
(Oregon Live) Weird Obsessed professor and his wife claim to have discovered that one of Leonardo da Vinci's famous anatomical drawings hides startling portrait of (a) Jesus (b) MLK (c) da Vinci himself (148)
(Canoe) Weird Dying to get on TV? Well, here's your chance (36)
(courierpress.com) Dumbass Man passes out in Wal-Mart after inhaling aerosol keyboard cleaner for the "first time" (68)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Dumbass Fourth grade substitute teacher blows a .18 after he was caught with a pint of vodka in class, says he was just trying to teach the kids the metric system (60)
(Reuters) Unlikely Capitalism has failed, according to Iran's president, who's upset people won't pay $140 a barrel for the only thing his country produces other than armed religious fanatics (238)
(CBS News) Cool Deputy, on foot, and in his underwear, chases down drunk driver. Bystander assists, saying "I had to take his word he was a police officer, since it's not like he was wearing his badge." (36)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Asinine Chicago Police officer arrests man for DUI, stating he lost his balance during sobriety test. Would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling police dash cam (w/video) (197)
(Daily Mail) Sappy Shetland pony has such stumpy legs people keep calling the fire department because they think she's stuck up to her knees in mud (w/pic) (82)
(USA Today) Interesting Homeland Security has accelerated plans to build a "virtual fence" at the Mexico border. The only problem: How to get shock collars on all the Mexicans (232)
(BBC) Interesting US eases restrictions on citizens' sending goods, money to Cuban relatives. Say hello to my litte care package (125)
(NYPost) Dumbass Top Japanese pop artist :-( after police catch him drawing a :-) on the wall of a NYC subway station (60)
(TC Palm) Florida Boy, 4, brings pot to pre-school. Grateful Dead heard blaring from teachers' lounge that afternoon (93)
(Toronto Star) Asinine A forty-member task force. Five subcommittees. $50,000 in consultants reports. This year's City of Toronto budget? Why no, it's a study on coffee cups (69)
(WWSB ABC 7) Florida Next time you want to pull over and take a nap in your car, make sure the vehicle is not running with the gear shift still in drive. With sleepy-time mugshot (31)
(Bangor Daily News) Asinine A proposal to raise funds in Maine will include a canoe and kayak fee. You could just go for a hike in the woods, but without your $20 "Rescue Card" that could cost you thousands (92)
(Boston Globe) Strange Sorry, Maine, you'll no longer get a free meal when you run naked down a 100 foot dock and jump into a freezing lake. Guess now, you'll just have to do it for the entertainment value (37)
(UPI) Dumbass Naked man challenges neighbors to karate fight, breaking several penal codes in the process (59)
(My Fox DC) Sad Always the model of efficiency, DC waits until you get to the cemetery before gunning you down (46)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida State wants to stimulate economy by loosening the rules on construction permits, eliminating impact fees and cutting in half the time allowed for reviewing permits for wiping out wetlands (175)
(Some Guy) PSA The two-part pour is key to the perfect pint of Guinness. It's not news, it's the York Daily Record (146)
(Gawker) Photoshop Photoshop this monster truck scene (44)
(AJC) Amusing Small-town church erects "Great sex: God's way" signs to advertise sermon series. Bonus: You cannot legally buy beer in the county (124)
(AOL) Sad One of these things is not like the other (73)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this chancellor and her little friend (47)
(WBBM) Fail An undressed woman. A massage table. A happy ending? This is Fark (80)
(Tacoma News Tribune) Obvious No wonder Popeye was so happy (57)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy If the bars and internet dating sites aren't your thing, you could always find your true love at an open-air teenage gypsy bride market (181)
(Yahoo) NewsFlash Gunman kills at least 10 at a secondary school in Germany. Kolombine? (414)
(MDN) Weird Finally, after 24 long years, the Curse of Colonel Sanders may soon be at an end (68)
(Daily Mail) Stupid British town spends £6,000 to outfit ride-on mowers with satellite navigation systems. Whatever, they'll still drive on the wrong side of the lawn (29)
(CBC) Interesting "Welcome to WalMart - mind the moose" (40)
(Daily Mail) Scary Figures, I just washed my car (56)
(London Times) Obvious Buying large eggs called "cruel to chickens." And they stare at you with their beady, red, unblinking eyes to underscore the point (84)
(Guardian.com) Cool Both Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland unite in protesting recent murders by Real IRA, Continuity IRA (76)
(The Sun) Weird Animal doctor puts casts on ugly-assed injured frog's arms. You can thank The Sun for this in-depth reporting (43)
(9 News) Asinine Bad: you fail to notice your energy bill is higher than normal. Worse: the bill is $1.28 million. Fark: the bank clears the autopay and you find you are over a million in the hole (87)
(Washington Post) Asinine Advanced Creation Studies class from Liberty University visits Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, whines "There's nothing balanced here. It's completely, 100 percent evolution-based." (1247)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this aircraft assistant (31)
(TBO) Florida Floridiot charged with aggravated battery after he shot a man who was trying to enter his car while he was having sex with the victim's girlfriend (65)
(CNN) Obvious Fi5e  T-Shirt (169)

Tue March 10, 2009
(Daily Mail) Interesting Scientists can now make a woman 'glow' instead of 'sweat.' Next up: making farts smell like roses (198)
(Politico) Stupid There can only be one... more idiot running around with a sword in the streets of DC near the Capitol (57)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Couple argues over $3 gas money while driving. Then things get all Florida-y (63)
(AP) Interesting There's frugal, then there's extreme cheapskates who salvage bagel scraps for pizza toppings and make their own detergent. "If you have vinegar, Dawn soap and baking soda, you can pretty much make any cleaning product" (248)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Israeli kids get rocket-proofed indoor playground complete with a mini-soccer field, video games and a climbing wall (128)
(The Morning Call) Amusing Drunk driving suspect says law doesn't apply to him because he's a 'sovereign man.' "It means I live inside myself. I don't live in the state of Pennsylvania." (106)
(Pocono Record) Cool Road closed so that salamanders can get their freak on (41)
(WVTM) News Today's multi-fatality shooting spree comes to us from Geneva County, Alabama. Story developing (318)
(CNN) Interesting Saving forests can create 10 million jobs. Mostly branch managers (79)
(NJ.com) Asinine Defendants in asbestos-related wrongful death civil suit confiscate plaintiff's body at the cemetery just as his family was trying to bury him. Can't we all just get a lung? (53)
(Washington Post) Asinine D.C. resident's gun permit denied because authorities don't like its color (170)
(Some speeder) Dumbass Apparently unfamiliar with auction sniping tools, man drives 110mph to place bid for item on eBay (36)
(CNN) Spiffy The farked economy has an upside: Fewer assholes cutting you off in traffic, while blabbing mindlessly on their cell phones (65)
(WUSA) Asinine Eighth Rule of Fight Club: Don't go full retard (95)
(AP) Asinine Some wounded soldiers at Ft. Bragg's "Warrior Transition units" say they're being punished for their injuries (194)
(Science Daily) Obvious Why some people don't heed tornado warnings. The answer? Because they're stup-- er, "optimism bias". Obvious tag seeks shelter (77)
(Washington Post) Spiffy You know that family legend about great-great-grandpa Jonathan engraving a secret pro-Union message inside President Lincoln's pocket watch? It's true (72)
(AP) Interesting 2006: Our soldiers don't have enough body armor. 2009: All this armor is killing our soldiers' mobility (128)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these ladies looking for leftovers (36)
(UPI) Dumbass The government wants to smell your butt to see if you're lying (127)
(CBS Philadelphia) Strange Not news: Pet shop orders exotic fish. News: Paperwork delay kills shipment. Fark: Delivery turns out actually to be 60-year-old dude's corpse (59)
(Local6) Florida If you had "seven million" in the office pool for "How many pounds of trash will be collected one day from the world's beaches?" please collect your prize: 3.2 million cigarette butts (126)
(LA Times) Obvious Bernie Madoff to plead guilty (306)
(JSOnline) PSA FTC finally joins the rest of us in calling the freecreditreport.com guy a douchebag (with link to parody-video goodness) (220)
(Telegraph) Stupid Snape banned from boarding train for having mobility scooter 1-1/2" too large, killing Dumbledore (108)
(Homestar Runner) Silly Exciting careers in Space Captainfacing (49)
(USA Today) Unlikely Girl "fantastic" after six organs removed. For starters, she's lost a lot of weight (194)
(AP) Interesting Extremely rare photo of Lincoln found, described as "the first act of paparazzi ever toward a president...Lincoln is not too happy at all." (150)
(WBBM) Scary Sure it's a bad economy and jobs are hard to come by. Sure you gotta do everything you can to hold on to your job. Killing a rival and sending an email from the dead guy's computer saying he quit, might not be the best way to go about it (66)
(Daily Express) Amusing Conservationists' elaborate duck-breeding plan goes horrifically wrong when the two male ducks fall in love with each other (223)
(The Sub-Standard) Asinine Reservist can't get into college to become a paramedic because the government won't let him take his beginner's driving test. Because he's in Afghanistan. Driving tanks (98)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Strange Bizzaro lawsuit of the day: woman wins $200,000 discrimination case, says she was fired for reporting that another employee beat her niece in the bathroom; woman was told "It's a black thing, we beat our children" (339)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Student warns teacher: 'I would hit you in the gator' Teacher doesn't know if she should flunk him in English or biology (111)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Prince Charles accused of selling a quack "detox" treatment to gullible Brits who believe in such nonsense as homeopathy and dentistry (229)
(Some Guy) Cool Fed-Ex offers 25 free resumes today to aid job seekers in bad economy. Can also be crumpled and used as insulation for your cardbaord box in the alley (59)
(The Local (Sweden)) Silly Swedish authorities refuse to allow woman to change her name to "Dark Knight". Metallica still okay (70)
(Some Guy) Sick Town officials in Rockland, Maine, baffled by overwhelming stench coming from city's landfill. It wouldn't have anything to do with that "water bubbling up through 60 years of decaying material," would it? (61)
(AP) Obvious Obama backs merit-based pay for teachers, mirroring rest of working world. Naturally, teachers' unions are opposed to this idea (799)
(Boston Globe) Cool Amazing set of dog sledding photos. Box dog is watching you masturbate (#13) (119)
(CBC) Obvious Pregnant airline passengers want to be warned in advance when stewardesses are going to spray them with pesticides (51)
(AP) Sad Real life Sam Malone is fired (96)
(WSB-TV) Fail Breaking into a store via the roof can be a clever way to avoid security systems. It can also be a dumbass way to get yourself trapped inside when you can't climb back out (22)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Woman ignores calls for her car payment; says painting pro-Obama slogans all over it makes it a work of art (128)
(Local6) Florida If your five-year old girl has been missing for a month, the best place to propose to your 17-year old girlfriend is apparently Chili's (290)
(Boston Globe) Video Sawed-off shotgun toting robber 0, Store owner 1 (61)
(AJC) Dumbass When going to court to face theft and assualt charges, having a stolen gun with you probably won't help (7)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Instructor for "Life Choices" class that taught students about positive relationships and self-esteem building, arrested for raising the esteem of an eighth grade boy by sending nude photos of herself to him (55)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these parachutes (18)
(Some Guy) Obvious That Louis Vuitton bag you bought for your wife at the local flea market? Yeah, those people who sold it to you are in jail now, and you better go buy a real one (202)
(Some Guy) Strange Creepy: Man looking into your window at 4 AM. Really creepy: You live on the second floor (66)
(BBC) Interesting UK government may introduce eBay-style customer feedback for police forces. A+++++++ Would fall down stairs again (26)
(NYPost) Interesting Pharmaceutical researcher to appear on "Good Morning America" this week to warn about the dangers of not drinking. "A lot of research shows that people who drink moderately flat-out live longer than those who don't" (138)
(NJ.com) Stupid Long Island makes its case to be New York's own Florida tag, as man sues psychic for a quarter million dollars after she doesn't deliver the anti-negativity gold statue she promised him (73)
(WorldNetDaily) Scary Chuck Norris says there are groups of right-wing cells across the country ready to rise up in a Second American Revolution. If it's true, we may get to find out what happens when Chuck Norris helps Texas drop kick the USA (1429)
(The Scotsman) Silly In what will surely result in no additional abuse, traffic wardens to be equipped with head-mounted CCTV cameras to capture images when they are verbally abused (31)
(TC Palm) Florida It's never graceful when you're a hooker trying to run away from an undercover cop and you trip and fall onto a glass door (w/ pic of what $10 could get you) (80)
(The Sun) Interesting Muslim cop sues over beard jokes. Tom Cruise seen taking notes (96)
(MSNBC) Misc Warm weather may increase chances of getting a headache. EVERYBODY PANIC (41)
(News.com.au) Asinine Crossing-guard high-fiving the kids as they cross the road on the way to school? You better believe that's a bannin' (85)
(Sign On San Diego) Obvious It's a known fact: Bald men steal purses in hospital parking lots (42)
(AP) Asinine Another illegal pet primate found in Connecticut. May not be dangerous, but police are taking it as a gibbon (30)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Tom, Dick and Harry (25)
(Daily Mail) Cool Man turns down offers from people wanting to hunt rare white deer on his land; prefers to defend it against dozens of poachers with high-powered rifles instead (with "stay off my farking lawn" pic) (159)
(SMH) Cool Nanny State to begin sex education for 7-year-olds in primary schools in order to cut back on nannies (37)
(Yahoo) Amusing Much like this news story, two brothers recycle same birthday card for 36 years (25)
(Washington Post) Stupid Wearing a head scarf in my bank? Move to the back of the line ma'am (131)
(The Morning Call) Sappy Meet Zach. You will either want to cockpunch him or hug him (383)

Mon March 09, 2009
(Kansas City) Ironic Billy Graham: "One characteristic of cults is that they strongly believe they alone are right in their beliefs and everyone else is wrong." (291)
(CBS News) Dumbass Aspiring criminals please note: If you try to jimmy a door with a card from your wallet, use something besides your library card. And take it with you when you leave, Einstein (33)
(Baltimore Sun) Interesting Did you hear the one about the deaf guy who got arrested because he pushed a note explaining what was wrong into the chest of a police officer? (201)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man pays his $350 power bill in pennies. "They said they didn't have the manpower to count all those pennies and I said as much as BVU is billing its customers, they ought to have all the manpower they need." (191)
(CBS Sacramento) Amusing 80-year-old grandmother swamped by calls from dozens of men who think she's offering lap dances. "Can you imagine a man coming to the door and I open the door and I go, 'Yeah?' He goes, 'Oh, never mind.'" (37)
(UPI) Interesting 71% of women mistakenly think men find a woman who drinks as much as they do attractive (193)
(Newsweek) Ironic Noxious fumes causes evacuation of respiratory care hospital (30)
(WUSA9) Scary It's not a party until someone brings a saber saw into the bedroom (91)
(UPI) Sad San Francisco may become a bit less fabulous as the city considers cracking down on pillow fights (52)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these heads (42)
(MSNBC) Interesting New study concludes that viewing television before age 2 has no negative effect on development. Great - NOW who are we supposed to blame for rampant toddler sex and violence?? (77)
(New Scientist) PSA Attention zoo visitors - please do not taunt the concrete chimpanzee (85)
(Reuters) Interesting Research shows that older fathers tends to has more kids who is dumb (98)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida If you want to avoid suspicion of driving under the influence, the first step would be to make sure you're driving on a full set of tires (23)
(Reuters) Interesting Vatican claims washing machine is most liberating 20th century invention for women. Sybian didn't even make the list (193)
(AP) Strange Today's moral outrage comes from Geneva, Switzerland, where a known prostitute activist was buried in the same cemetery as John Calvin (76)
(Yahoo) Interesting Meghan McCain calls Ann Coulter "offensive" and "insulting," adding "are you going to finish those fries?" (236)
(CNBC) Interesting Worried about being the washed-up former high school football star while those nerds you picked on become millionaires later in life? Well, good news (239)
(Some Guy) Sad State mental hospital drops off severely ill woman at bus station to make it home by herself. Since this is Fark, you can assume she didn't make it (154)
(BBC) Amusing Professional coffee taster's tongue insured for $14 million. The man's tongue works magic on the bean (122)
(UPI) Hero In celebration of his 69th birthday tomorrow, Chuck Norris will randomly select one lucky child to be thrown into the sun (254)
(Jacksonville.com) Florida Moving pot plants to an undisclosed location to deter would-be burglars is a GREAT idea. Just don't do it using an open-bed pickup truck. Police might see you (49)
(Boston Globe) Stupid Nothing solves an $8 billion dollar deficit like a good old fashioned bake sale (59)
(CNN) Sad Yet another indicator of America's continuing decline: pediatricians now recommend that children between the ages of 2 and 10 be routinely screened for heart disease (106)
(ZDNet) Scary Computer glitch caused Austrailian airliner to plunge 1,000 feet and the toilets to flush counterclockwise (67)
(Sunday Herald) Fail This year's Maxwell Smart Special Achievement Award goes to the US Trident missile program, for keeping the composition of a key material so secret that no one knows how to make it anymore (138)
(CNN) Interesting Unique portrait of William Shakespeare reveals much about the notorious bard, such as the stunning realization that he looks like Russell Brand (109)
(TC Palm) Dumbass Just what the filthy rich need -- a place to super-poke their filthy rich friends (137)
(NYPost) Asinine Man/Boy love group NAMBLA puts $10,000 hit on New York's Attorney General; because decades in jail is so worth $10G (262)
(Drew) FarkBlog Christian salt, contraceptive robberies, and a wallet full of teeth: Fark's Headlines of the Week 3/1 to 3/7 (21)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Boat sinking? No reason to stop fishing (41)
(Local6) Florida World shark-bite capital to host surfing contest, diiiiiiick sucking competition (71)
(Yahoo) Obvious Austrian village near Czech village to offer free land to Couples who promise to start a family. Call it, "living space" if you will (55)
(CNN) Weird Chinese sailors in their underwear molest US Navy ship, which fights back with squirt guns. Then it gets weird (202)
(Local6) Florida ♫ Way down upon the Suwanee River / Far, far away / That's where my heart is turning ever / That's where the 8 foot long 200 pound sturgeon jump into your boat ♪ (30)
(CTV) Ironic Telephone poll finds that the "do-not-call lists" are working (118)
(Statesman) Hero Think about what you did on your 21st birthday. This guy was bombing Berlin (170)
(WCBS 880) Dumbass Who says today's teens are lazy? Five arrested for vandalizing 65 vehicles over the weekend (19)
(UPI) Interesting "Baby I love all women equally, but when it comes to YOU....let's just say that some broads are more equal than others." --- Love letters of George Orwell to be sold at auction (47)
(Chicago Tribune) Misc Yelp website accused of PLACING POSITIVE REVIEWS in the forefront, and (negative reviews in the back) (52)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this tank transfer (27)
(Daily Mail) Sappy Ugly-ass polar bear cubs take first steps outside their den. Awwwww (42)
(Fox News) Interesting Number of non-religious Americans has almost doubled since 1990, with 15 percent saying they don't believe in a sky daddy, a volitant pasta monster, or spirits in trees (528)
(Toronto Sun) Obvious Iraqi Police Academy bombed. Mahoney inconsolable (40)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Today's "female teacher arrested for sex with a male student" is caught in the act on her desk by the principal, asks "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?" (129)
(CNN) Silly Researchers study why we use movie quotes in everyday conversation. Frankly, CNN, we don't give a damn (522)
(Chicago Tribune) Interesting Couple only buys from black-owned businesses, though they may have some trouble the next time they want to buy Michael Bolton souvenirs or lacrosse equipment (378)
(UPI) Asinine Hosting two unrelated men in your house? Yeah, get ready for 40 lashes, grandma (87)
(Livenews) Stupid Hundreds (2%) of British kids think Auschwitz is a beer, as told in one of the best examples of journalistic math so far this year (116)
(Daily Mail) Scary 1 in 5 British adults believes it's okay to hit a woman if she deserves it (322)
(My Fox Orlando) Florida Lawmaker proposes bill to test the unemployed for drugs; "Whether soft drugs or hard drugs, get clean first so the next person who hires you will not have the liability of having you on the payroll" (205)
(London Times) Caption Caption this scene from a dog show (58)
(Houston Chronicle) Ironic Brawl breaks out at a Stop the Violence concert, 16 arrested (78)
(Some Guy) Interesting Forget the mousetrap, someone invented a better homeless shopping cart (76)
(Some DJ Gal) Cool 50 hottest girls of radio. Difficulty: no Hot Donna (270)
(Al Jazeera English) Obvious Kim Jong-il beats Obama at getting elected with a staggering 100% of the vote (141)
(Abc.net.au) Asinine The police were quite surprised that very few drugs were dropped into the "drug disposal bin" set up at the entrance to the Rock-It music festival (46)
(Some Guy) Interesting Actual Depression survivors scoff at your canned goods and ammo: "I was up in the tree trying to choke him with my fingers... It took a good while, but I finally got that squirrel strangled" (213)
(WPXI) Dumbass Intoxicated man trips, accidentally breaks into bank. Vodak was involved (24)
(MSNBC) Sad Pastor shot and killed during Sunday services. *pew*pew*pew*  T-Shirt (191)
(Newsday) Cool Australian cyclist survives four days lost in the Alaskan wilderness; claims being raised in the Alps helped greatly (45)
(Wave3) Stupid Thief robs bank with a UPS package claiming to be a bomb. Bonus #1: robber is 78 years old. Bonus #2: used the drive-thru (19)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this technobubble (29)
(Union Leader) Dumbass News: Worker falls into deep fryer at local KFC. Fark: Same KFC was victim of decontamination hoax last month (59)
(Boston Globe) Interesting When asked about the suspected mass grave beneath her house, she responded, "No wonder our plants grow so well" (23)
(AP) Amusing When a kangaroo came crashing through his bedroom window and began bouncing on his bed, his first thought was a "lunatic ninja" (48)
(AJC) Dumbass "Hindsight isn't only 20/20, it's usually also sober" (26)
(USA Today) Interesting Percentage of Americans calling themselves "Christian" drops 11% in one generation. They were blinded by science (712)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this exultant toddler (39)
(Some Chick) Scary If your toddler displays symptoms of thrashing, roving eye movements, spasms and loss of bladder or bowel control he may have been stung by a scorpion. Or he may just be a toddler (40)
(London Times) PSA Speed limits on rural roads in the UK may be cut from 60 to 50mph to save lives. No word on how many lives would be saved by driving on the right side of the road (103)
(The New York Times) Weird Fast and the Furious 4: Jeddah Drift (57)