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Sun April 12, 2009
(WLTX.com) Dumbass Man tries to rob Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, gets free shot (136)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Old and busted: Feeding 5,000 people with two loaves of bread and five fish. New hotness: Jamming 90 cars into a 40-car parking lot (43)
(Oregon Live) Weird Today's bomb scare brought to you by the Washington County Jail and a prosthetic leg (19)
(Huffington Post) Silly Tired of Iowa stealing all the headlines, Vermont considers legalizing sexting (62)
(The Consumerist) Dumbass United Airlines could have easily gotten you to your dying mother on time, unfortunately one tiny little detail got in the way: It was time for someone to take their break (168)
(Washington Post) Scary Good news: Recession to End This Year. Bad news: Unemployment Will Hit Nearly 10% (106)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Obvious Educators, business world beginning to notice negative effects of two decades of "Everybody Gets a Trophy Day" (185)
(AP) Scary Dear US Citizens: Sorry we mistook you for an illegal immigrant and deported you. Our bad. Sincerely, US Law Enforcement (81)
(Some Guy) News Thailand is in the middle of a major political coup - but don't worry, the PM escap (106)
(Some Guy) Asinine Your car breaks down and you get the store owner's permission to leave it overnight. Sounds good, right? Until you realize your car has then been towed and destroyed. Bonus: still having to pay the fee (66)
(Some Yenko) Spiffy Time for a big bowl of Nostalgia pudding. Collection of street scene photos from the 50's and 60's and more. Spiffy tag sits in for absent "Swell" tag (119)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop this boarded-up storefront (47)
(Mental Floss) Interesting What's the most common item left behind at airport screening, why chatty pilots cause crashes, and other "everything you've always wondered about air travel" questions answered (64)
(Newsweek) Scary Cuba braces for more devastating threat than communism: American tourists (119)
(News.com.au) Stupid Cops who don't know anything about firearms arrest driver for steering wheel lock "gun" (89)
(The Scotsman) Obvious Top Catholic cardinal says Scotland faces "abyss of social collapse," with kids actively involved in drug-and-alcohol-fuelled promiscuity, hedonism, vandalism and outright nihilism. In other words, it's becoming Scotland (62)
(CNN) Obvious Newt Gingrich voices what we're all thinking: coverage of the Obama's new dog is "fairly stupid" (176)
(Edmontonsun.com) Obvious After baby somehow keeps breathing after being taken off respirator, scrubbing proposed heart transplant operation, the parents face another gut-wrenching ethical dilemma: whether or not to sue the hospital (85)
(TampaBays10.com) Asinine Bank of America raising credit card interest rates, even for its best customers. If only there was some tool for people to cut off charging stuff on plastic (175)
(Some Guy) Scary "It's not only pistachios and 50-pound tubs of peanut paste that have been infected with salmonella but also 500-pound pigs allowed to root and to roam pastures happily before butting heads with a bolt gun" (44)
(MSNBC) Asinine Proposed fees to alleviate budget shortfalls include accident response fees and streetlight user fees of $4.25 a month added to your electric bill (76)
(MSNBC) NewsFlash Captain Richard Phillips freed. 3 of 4 pirates dead. Remaining pirate in custody (811)
(SFGate) Cool Bow down before the tender majesty of life-sized Lego Jesus, courtesy of 40 Swedish parishioners, 30,000 Legos, and 18 months of work (72)
(SFGate) Silly Newspapers are failing because comics suck nowadays. Bring back Family Circle (160)
(New Zealand Herald) Interesting Scientists say basic personality types, "novelty seeking", "harm avoidance", "reward dependence", and "persistence" are all decided at birth. "Attorney" is something you grow into (72)
(Guardian.com) Obvious Church leaders say with people losing their jobs and homes during credit crunch, now is the perfect time to sell the benefits of living a monastic lifestyle (48)
(Telegram) Photoshop Photoshop this guy and his chocolate bunny (26)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Seventy-one-year-old guy spending month living in a phone booth in attempt to get a tree planted on the White House lawn (36)
(UPI) Obvious British farmers learn it's a lot easier for customers to be smug when they aren't going broke (39)
(Yahoo) Obvious Listen up all you Fark Singles™, married folks really are a lot happier than you are, no matter how much you try to deny the truth of your miserable, lonely existence. Have a nice day (329)
(Columbia Missourian) Asinine Parents of the Year allow 10-yr-old daughter to ride an ATV next to a highway. The obvious happens. Now they're suing (137)
(AP) Amusing Man serves sentence for drug distribution...then finds out he owes the state $47 million for failing to purchase "drug stamps" (67)
(AJC) Obvious State shocked to find that violent mental patients might actually harm each other (23)
(Rian.Ru) Followup Careful North Korea, you're about to get a Strongly Worded Letter™ from the UN (119)
(Baltimore Sun) Interesting Since we no longer have a War on Terror™ the National Guard has become much more selective (48)
(BBC) Scary "While in many countries the Easter dish may be lamb, in Venezuela a traditional delicacy around this time of the year is rodent." Mmm... rodent (65)
(The Newspaper) PSA If your car drives within a half mile of a school or traffic cone in Maryland, your wallet has been selected to help lobbyists recover the cost of their bribes (193)
(Guardian.com) Dumbass "For me, telling children there's an Easter Bunny would be on a continuum with telling children there's a God, since I don't believe either" (253)
(Boston Herald) Scary Hospital tries to detect drunk plastic surgeons before they start cutting. It's all fun and games until somebody loses a nipple  T-Shirt (20)
(UPI) Asinine Dude, she's 8. We don't care if it's legal, she's friggen' EIGHT (421)
(Fox News) Stupid Some Emergency Rooms are putting their wait times on the internet to improve customer service. If there's one thing a person has time to do when they have a medical emergency, it's logging on to the internet (54)
(Abc.net.au) Dumbass Drunken Australian man attempts to swim across crocodile-infested river near Darwin to get more alcohol, with predictable results (62)
(Some Guy) Strange A variety of wrong ways to eat peeps (46)
(Mirror.co.uk) Strange Strange Easter traditions from around the world include spanking women on Easter Monday (42)
(Saturday Star) Fail Russian man drinks three bottles of vodka, jumps out 5-story window and lives. Ultrafark: TWICE (70)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this trapped tourist (30)
(YouTube) Cool 47-year old crazy cat lady auditions for Britain's Got Talent and brings down the house (142)
(Washington Post) Spiffy Our long national nightmare is finally over. The first family have their new dog  T-Shirt (130)
(AZCentral) Sad With fronds like these...  T-Shirt (33)
(FARK) Interesting If you could create your own religion, what would the rules/holidays/church services be like? (Voting enabled) (198)
(Some Guy) Scary White powder residue on money causes bank teller to fall ill, Tony Montana and Scott Ian wanted for questioning (26)
(Buffalo News) Obvious What not to say after you've been arrested selling pot from your car: "Man, it's just weed. I could be selling crack." (36)
(Some Guy) Interesting Boulder rolls down hillside, goes airborne, crashes through a second-story wall of a home, careens off the dining room ceiling, smashes through a wall, and drops through the floor into the garage. Ta-dah (43)
(Abc.net.au) Weird Twelve years after woman wakes with a bloody face she begins getting headaches. It seems doctors failed to notice she had a bullet lodged in her head (18)
(Komo) Hero Prince hit by car, resuscitated by neighbor. "I just wiped his nose off a little bit. His jaw was in my hand." (45)
(ABC News) Sappy Easter surprise for a Hoppy Bunnday (73)
(Wis State Journal) Dumbass Guy burns down childhood home because someone else was living in it. He sure did love that house (54)
(Fox News) Asinine Climate bill could allow global warming victims to sue for damages (278)
(Sign On San Diego) Interesting If you're going to visit a pawn shop, here's a few things you should know to make sure you don't get pwned (82)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Interesting For the first time, the White House has reached around barriers and invited a gay family to the Easter Egg Roll  T-Shirt (120)
(AP) Dumbass A man fathered 14 children with 13 different women and owes more than $530,000 in unpaid child support, surprisingly isn't offered an NBA contract (204)

Sat April 11, 2009
(Philly) Amusing In Philadelphia, Good Friday marks the day Jesus descended into Hell and met Girls Gone Wild (46)
(Some Shroom) Photoshop Photoshop this nice specimen of the Chlorophyllum genus (44)
(Sioux City Journal) Silly Police pull over woman with 20 cats loose inside her car, then have to herd the escaped cats. I can has kitten drive? (60)
(Daily Mail) Cool Teacher caught with crack cocaine has been allowed to keep his job for being an "excellent role model" ... A little edgy, but an outstanding teacher nevertheless  T-Shirt (43)
(Gazette) Interesting If you've lost a huge stuffed gorilla between Wisconsin and Minnesota, someone would like...... wait, what were you doing with a huge stuffed gorilla?  T-Shirt (50)
(Telegraph) Caption Caption this woman trying to win a Darwin award (191)
(WBBM) Unlikely Here's a twist on the hot female teacher, teenage student hookup: Father sues school for letting it happen (116)
(Dayton Daily News) Interesting Here's a Tattoo slideshow for you....includes Redd Foxx and Mary Lou Retton Tats (265)
(KNBC 4 Los Angeles) Obvious First they came for the Amtrak mooners. And I didn't speak out for I wasn't an Amtrak mooner (45)
(UPI) Scary Lately more and more judges agree that internet anonymity should become a thing of the past. No longer should you bad-mouth someone anonymously. U R A Not E Bastage. LOLS (151)
(Des Moines Register) Followup Stripper accused of taking off her clothes in a police station says really just needed to go the bathroom and the only reason she failed a DUI test was because of her 5-inch stiletto heels. Stripper (57)
(Some Guy) Amusing We'd pick just one story to feature in this headline, but there's just too much gold here. Presenting today's South Carolina news roundup (77)
(Daily Mail) Cool Daily pill that could halt prostate cancer 'ready in three years' Still no cure for cancer, at least for three years (30)
(Some Drunk) Spiffy Guinness is giving away a trip to Dublin to celebrate the 250th anniversary of their non-existent bar towels (62)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this collection of Calder (26)
(Some Guy) Scary The 5000 calorie Fifth Third burger makes its terrifying debut (w/ video). I can't believe I ate the whole thing (158)
(Yahoo) Interesting US sending in the Marines to deal with the pirates off the coast of Africa. No, this isn't a repeat from 1805 (336)
(BBC) Interesting Poland starts throwing people found drunk and riding a bicycle to a year in prison (55)
(Daily Mail) Sappy We can rebuild her, we hav..... awwwwwwwww (159)
(Wikimedia) Interesting Soft drink names broken down by region. Begun the soda wars have (310)
(Seattle Times) Interesting A comeback? This rye-loving farker will tell you it's never been gone (89)
(AFP) Sad Formerly respectable newspaper, the LA Times lowers itself to the level of the Goat Hollow Gazette by running an ad on the front page, that was nearly indistinguishable from its "news" content (141)
(UPI) Obvious "Rain may slow Oklahoma wildfires" In other breaking news, water may be wet, fire may be hot, and the waving wheat may sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain (56)
(Chicago Sun-Times) PSA Due to one careless doctor, Chicago may be facing a tuberculosis outbreak. Choking is not a symptom, so the Cubs should be okay  T-Shirt (37)
(Chronicle of Higher Ed) Obvious A smack-down to cheer every English major who had to read that silly little book: The Elements of Style is "by a pair of authors so grammatically clueless that they don't know what is a passive construction and what isn't" (213)
(Reuters) Obvious Turns out sucking sugar through a straw increases risk of diabetes. Captain Obvious seen buying a slurpee (37)
(FDNM) Obvious Surprisingly, people aren't willing to go to Alaska in a recession just because they saw it on TV (103)
(Myrtle Beach Online) Asinine Be careful of what you say in cyberworld. Blogger loses $1.8M lawsuit about an article he claims he did not even write (78)
(The Star) Amusing ♪ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, A tale of a fateful trip ♪ ...Pirates on German ship unable to locate drifting lifeboat and return to Somali coast (126)
(AFP) Silly French overwhelmingly oppose rose wine made by mixing red, white. Wait until they discover Mad Dog 20/20 and Boone's Farm (84)
(ABC News) Florida Finally some good news from Fark's favorite state: it's time for the annual Strawberry Festival which means a new Strawberry queen and her court. Yes, there are photos AND a video (48)
(Seattle Times) Interesting Seattle's own "Judge Judy" reprimanded for not suffering fools kindly enough. Again (20)
(Gizmodo) Strange A handy cheat sheet for anyone wanting to travel back in time. This is not a joke. I have only done this once before. You will get paid once we return. Your safety is not guaranteed. You must bring your own weapons (109)
(Yahoo) Stupid What consitutes being a real man, as explained by a columnist from noted macho magazine Esquire (107)
(MSNBC) Obvious China is starting to realize that they didn't quite think their "one child per family" rule all the way through (202)
(MSNBC) Followup Sunday school teacher arrested for murder of 8-year-old California girl (176)
(Canoe) Cool Throwing the cat out with the garbage? That's a ... wait, it was rescued? Happy Caturday! (370)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Celebrities' desktops (39)
(Some Guy) Scary 30-year old woman used drugs and booze to lure male and female teenagers into having sex. Mugshot proves that cocaine is a helluva drug as it enhances beer goggles (107)
(CNN) Scary Angry at Iowa and Vermont for their gay marriage stances, God strikes Arkansas with deadly tornadoes  T-Shirt (89)
(WBRZ News 2) Dumbass When going to jail to bail out an inmate, it's best not to bring meth and pot with you (13)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Man is fought off by 81-year-old woman over a dollar, so he jumps in nearby lake and drowns. "He was drunk" (42)
(Columbian) Ironic Washington state environmental regulatory agency finally discovers the source of mysterious severe pollution of local creek: The sewer line from the agency's own office (47)
(Detroit News) Obvious Two Dutch journalists, having reported from war zones in Africa and the middle east, thought they were tough enough to do a report from Detroi... GET OUT OF THE CAR, FOOL (155)
(Some Guy) Interesting Today's female teacher-on-student story comes to us from Texas. With hittable pic (110)
(NASA) Photoshop Photoshop this LLRV flying (34)
(The Register) Amusing Goldman Sachs seeks suck site suits by the seashore (26)
(Some Guy) Stupid City finally discovers those responsible for rampant teen obesity: taco trucks. Or rather, ONE taco truck (131)

Fri April 10, 2009
(officer.com) Dumbass Intoxicated Nebraskan goes hunting for deer..... with the grill of his pick-up truck. All he got was a security gate, barbed-wire fence, road spikes, and some new cop friends (18)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Man staples piece of paper to a tree, is then fined by Nanny State for 'harming a living tree.' Says baffled man: "I'm not an expert but I doubt that a staple could cause so much damage to a tree that it would actually die" (100)
(Rochester D&C) Dumbass If you already have two DWIs, visiting a prison while drunk is probably a bad idea (12)
(Arizona Star) Cool Our long national nightmare is over: the 17-foot tall monkey at Tucson's now-closed Magic Carpet Mini-Golf has found a new home. Let us try to find peace and meaning in this news (pic) (55)
(TC Palm) Florida Your career as a babysitter will not be a long one if the kid you're supposed to be watching wanders into an alligator-infested canal while you're passed out on the toilet (57)
(The Scotsman) Obvious Rare birds being "stolen to order" by gangs of thieves in what police are calling a particularly fowl crime (31)
(TC Palm) Florida Illegal immigrant, with false social security number and fake name, sues for workers' comp benefits after getting hurt on job (308)
(SFGate) Sad If you know anything about a capsule containing Smurf dolls, a Rubik's Cube and baseball cards, Syosset adult elementary school alumni would like to have a word with you (46)
(UPI) Strange 32 tons of bait fish stolen in New Jersey. Local police trying to follow the smell of rotten fish end up driving down every street (39)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop Theme: Applying lessons we've learned from the movies (44)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing This week's mugshots include a familiar face and a mass of grey goo about to assimilate the camera (277)
(mlive.com) Ironic Pitbull stops human attack (207)
(BBC) Cool Indian woman eats 51 ghost chilis in two minutes. Says that eating the world's hottest chili is still less painful than having to listen to Gordon Ramsay (237)
(The Consumerist) Interesting Vince took some time off of beating hookers to make a Sham Wow commercial in Spanish. Los alemanes hacen cosas buenas (174)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Man calls 911 to complain his kids won't listen to him. Time for a Tasing (71)
(CNN) Scary Today's campus shooting brought to you by Henry Ford Community College (173)
(UPI) Interesting Man trying to claim disability payments because he claims a car accident left him "too fatigued to work" ordered to turn over his computer so investigators can see how much time he spends on Facebook every day (132)
(ABC News) Obvious Podiatrists warn that wearing UGG boots can have serious repercussions including long-term foot pain, looking like a dork (166)
(Fox News) Obvious News media confirm they have surrounded Captain Phillip's house and are holding his wife hostage, will accept interview as ransom  T-Shirt (72)
(Telegraph) Interesting Nanny State to tag all cops with GPS, so crooks know exactly where they... er, I mean "To improve response times". Because knowing where someone is makes them respond faster (141)
(Telegraph) Cool We've all met people, mostly women, who say they can just inhale chocolate. Well, now they really can (82)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this snoring sleeper (40)
(AP) Asinine Having solved all the crimes in Chicago, Police will now go after the scourge or drivers who don't yield (113)
(Washington Post) Cool For only $90 you too can learn to drive the Zamboni (77)
(Des Moines Register) Dumbass Strip club employee demonstrates her talent during arrest (109)
(AP) Unlikely Woman wins $25,000 for correctly guessing that jar contained 7,954 jellybeans, says the money will help her fly Quantas and shop at K-Mart more (53)
(AP) Strange As a former Chicago resident, when President Obama wants to order great deep-dish pizza, he gets it from...St. Louis? (496)
(BBC) Strange Swedish officials scanning sex webcam sites for tax dodgers. This is a long, meticulous task and may take several years (20)
(Some Vigilante) Obvious "It's always open season on criminals in Mason County, and there is no bag limit...You might expect a lead enema" (63)
(TC Palm) Florida Protip: If you're going to steal groceries from Wal-Mart, don't leave recently-developed photos behind (65)
(FDNM) Weird Today's helpful tip: If you're accused of sexual assault, marrying the accuser is a great way to get out of jail (62)
(Some Guy) Florida Drunken cops drive through town throwing eggs at prostitutes. That's some mighty fine police work, Lou (121)
(Baltimore Sun) Dumbass Drunk, stupid and shooting arrows at houses is no way to impress women, son (28)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass It's all fun and games until you try and set fire to your student's hair (22)
(Some Guy) Interesting Laugh Factory implores congress to consider funding their "economic cheer up", threatens nation with a Dane Cook special if they fail to comply (58)
(AP) Sad Facing hard times, Shriners may close 6 hospitals, reduce the size of their fezzes (148)
(The Smoking Gun) Florida Four burglars nabbed when woman calls 911 after watching them in her home via live internet feed (w/video) (147)
(Boston Globe) Interesting CIA to decommission "black" sites after new President reminds agency that the politically correct term is "Torturer-American" (138)
(BBC) Scary One killed, six injured in pie factory explosion. Blast heard up to 3.14159265 miles away  T-Shirt (101)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing Last week TSG promised to make the next "photo fun" contest hard on Fark and they have delivered. Contest ends at 4pm Eastern (158)
(WBBM) Spiffy No sex tax in Nevada. By the way that's not a tax on households where there is no sex, which on second thought might be stimulus we can believe in (31)
(Farkistan) Followup Interested in helping fellow Farkers with important scientific research? Sign up here to disprove the theorem that personal internet browsing means more productivity (122)
(WCBS 880) Dumbass While saving energy is a worthy goal, you really shouldn't use the same heat lamps to warm both your baby's bedroom and your marijuana plants (41)
(C|Net) Scary Just how insecure is the electric grid? Surprisingly, thanks to utility companies' insistence on providing Internet access to critical components, the answer is "disturbingly" (98)
(Reuters) Scary Student gunman shoots three at Greek college...presumably, from behind (35)
(CBS Chicago) Amusing Robber just can't handle the guilt of sticking up a Dunkin' Donuts, so he apologizes, returns the money, and tries to give the clerk a hug. It doesn't do much good (26)
(WCBS 880) Strange ♫ Wheelchair motor running/ Get out in the hallway/ Run over your ex-wife/ and whatever comes your way ♫ (19)
(Peterborough Evening Telegraph) Dumbass Lord Voldemort gets electronic tag for drunken fight (44)
(news4jax.com) Florida Couple robbed at gunpoint for chicken, come through safely on a wing and a prayer (24)
(Some Guy) Hero "The opposing lawyers will take you and your ambulance-chasing counsel to the woodshed and give both of you a deserving and solid thwacking. Frankly, I'd like to watch" (59)
(MosNews) Weird Russia holds first Top Shaman elections. Really (39)
(News.com.au) Spiffy Former stripper becomes a nun. Loves to talk about the Second Coming. "Now I dance for God." (68)
(WLWT) Weird "Carl" calls pop-radio station's confession-contest line to say he watched some guys murder bully in 1988 and dump his corpse into Ohio River. For the record, "Carl" won those Fall Out Boy tickets (60)
(Google) Asinine Two douchebags shoot Navy SEAL's dog. Lucky for them, the cops caught them before the SEAL did (348)
(MSNBC) Obvious Christians complain they are being persecuted for not being allowed to persecute homosexuals (1184)
(Guardian.com) Interesting Three guesses as to which country has a problem with children and dental problems. The first two guesses don't count (31)
(Baltimore Sun) Spiffy Pet food company promotes Seder for dogs. Yes, it's kosher (17)
(Some Farkette) Photoshop Photoshop these WUT stairs (29)
(TC Palm) Florida Man busted for making crack cocaine with a microwave. Because sometimes you can't wait for the stove to heat up (25)
(Miami Herald) Florida Developers plan first solar city. The sun is there (31)
(KY3) Amusing You've lost your license because of DWIs. Is the solution (c) travel by donkey? You bet your ass (23)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Dumbass Just a tip: When you hold up a bank teller, don't write your robbery note on the back of your dad's withdrawal slip (19)
(MSNBC) Misc Vandals sabotage major telecommunications lines in SF Bay Area. I would have submitted this sooner, but I didn't have any internet access, phone service, or cell phone service, and was fresh out of carrier pigeons (71)
(CNN) Strange White House attacked by terrorist bees (95)
(The Virginian Pilot) Interesting Just when you thought the war was over: Confederate soldier charged after accidentally shooting Union soldier with live musket round during Civil War re-enactment. Ghost of Robert E. Lee nods approvingly (96)
(PRNewswire) Cool Baby conceived using sperm that was frozen for 21 years is healthy except for freezer burn (64)

Thu April 09, 2009
(Some Guy) Hero Waffle House #1, which now houses a museum, has applied for historical landmark status (97)
(KWTV) Scary Multiple wildfires burning in Oklahoma, thousands evacuated, hundreds of homes destroyed (167)
(The Sun) Scary "Scream" mask makes an appearance on bar of soap in Britain, terrifying a 27-year-old man: "I've heard of the face of Jesus in toast but this looks like a ghost" (72)
(Globe and Mail) Sad "Welcome to the he-cession, where women are the breadwinners and men hold down the fort at home" (311)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this media circus clown (60)
(MSNBC) Scary Number 17 on the list of things you don't want to happen to you in a shopping mall: getting knocked unconcious by a suicide jumper (104)
(ABC News) Stupid 20/20 feels the need to go undercover to legally buy guns at a gun show (446)
(Houston Chronicle) Obvious Family sues funeral home for $2.7-million after it cremates wrong body. "How could an African-American man be confused with a white woman is beyond me." (127)
(Daily Mail) Weird Research shows that men's feet have been growing a whole size in the past 5 years while everything else, to the regret of many UK wives, remained the same size (58)
(Daily Mail) Hero Female reporter says what husbands everywhere are thinking: Women need to stay sexy after having children (338)
(Daily Mail) Interesting A glass of wine a day can lead to "the shakes", claims new study. Recommends two half glasses, to avoid spills (94)
(The Morning Call) Asinine Groundhog stuck in peanut butter jar, signaling six more weeks of salmonella (pic) (66)
(AP) Spiffy Hurricane researcher makes bold prediction, says 2009 season to be "average" (83)
(Reuters) Strange Court fines woman who called her son too many times over two-and-a-half year period, prompting Jewish mothers to consult with criminal defense attorneys (35)
(Gawker) Misc Bow ties are making a comeback. Tell Jon Stewart (113)
(Daily Mail) Sad Left paralyzed after being run over by the family car? There's only one logical step to take if you're a 9-year-old: Sue dad for $26 million (104)
(Some Logical Guy) Asinine "I don't want to say that gay marriage is responsible for mass murders but... gay marriage is responsible for mass murders" (378)
(Washington Post) Obvious Study finds that food-borne illnesses are on the rise in the U.S. Aw, nuts (82)
(Comedy Central) Amusing Genius Kayne West: "Makin love to other gay fish" (202)
(WTAM) Interesting Because there isn't enough real crime, Cleveland cops will use their helicopter to look for after-hours skinny dippers in city pools (116)
(Some Guy) Stupid New terrorist report "demonizes the use of the Internet and websites like You Tube, Fark and Slashdot as terrorist tools." (333)
(Time) Strange Top 10 Things You Didn't Know About Easter... besided the whole zombie Jesus myth (268)
(CNN) Strange Somali women are flocking to the ports in hope of marrying a pirate, which explains why the pirates are always chanting, "Yo, hoe, yo, hoe" (134)
(Canoe) Obvious You know you live in a bad part of town when you have to put up a 'This is not a crackhouse' sign (36)
(Reuters) Amusing I dvrc thee, i dvrc thee, i dvrc thee. lol kthxbye (91)
(SLTrib) Strange No matter what you think of taxes, please stop sending tea bags to members of Congress because they keep mistaking it for anthrax. "Do not send a real tea bag to anyone." (207)
(NJ.com) Hero Twenty-three-year-old female teacher? Check. Sex with student? Check. Eighth grade boy? Che- woah, uh, eighth grade? (347)
(ABC2News Baltimore) Amusing Rescue team sent into woods after receiving call that someone was heard being tortured. That man was actually laughing at a book (52)
(AP) Interesting Scientists seek to discover why tornadoes hate trailer parks, churches & mullets (62)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely Teen arrested for wearing baggy pants in Florida argues in court that they're "cool", cites David Beckham and Prince Harry as proof (113)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Church promotes religious discussion series advertising slogan "No More Christians." What could possibly go wrong? (487)
(Wall Street Journal) Interesting The recession is hurting country clubs. EVERYBODY TELL THEIR PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO PANIC (69)
(The Local (Sweden)) Interesting Swedish transexual wins the right to call herself Immanuel after years of being told that she kant  T-Shirt (62)
(UPI) Dumbass Ever hear the one about the Pollock who stole a role a toilet paper? (67)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this massive metallic mesh (50)
(Wall Street Journal) Interesting Are sweatpants ever appropriate to wear in public? (371)
(Daily Mail) Sad You Brits are just making this too easy. Hanging baskets banned from town after government decrees that watering them would be "too dangerous" (98)
(AJC) Dumbass "You figure the thief couldn't go far carrying stolen 200-pound cast-iron storm grates. You also figure he doesn't have a degree in economics" (50)
(Time) Interesting Top 10 Secret Service code names. Kennedy wasn't called "Lancer" for nothing (164)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Angry homeowner blocks in garbage men after they refuse to pick up his trash as it was "contaminated" by five small rocks. The guy's got stones (pics) (70)
(Daily Record (UK)) Weird You know your day sucks when you're quietly riding home and someone throws a dead body at you (47)
(Daily Star) Stupid Introducing...the air-conditioned coffin (pic) (53)
(Boston Globe) Unlikely Boston Globe will go out of business unless its unions accept 20 percent pay cut and an end to seniority rules and "lifetime job guarantees." So, farewell, Boston Globe (170)
(UPI) Scary By age 12, 6.5 percent of U.S students have engaged in anal sex. Submitter's wife has email (225)
(Buffalo News) Dumbass Making over six figures a year as a school administrator? Perhaps you shouldn't be stealing cash from the vault. The taxpayers may have zero tolerance for that (38)
(Local6) Florida If your high school baseball coach says your team is 'snake-bitten' what else should you do but buy a snake, kill it and bury it on the field? (47)
(Some Guy) Obvious Man faces 84 charges, ranging from impersonating a vet to illegally castrating a pony. Say what you want, he's got balls (38)
(IndyStar) Sad Police officer files lawsuit after being fired from job after 31 years on the force for declining to be tased since he had two doctor's who advised him not to do so. Don't tase me, bro (244)
(Telegraph) Strange Man sentenced for repeatedly playing Springsteen album at an offensive volume. Or, as subby likes to call it, audibly (109)
(Houston Chronicle) Strange Texas lawmaker suggests that Asians adopt names that are easier to pronounce. Sum Dum Gai is not amused (337)
(UPI) Obvious The FBI, with nothing more important to do, finds that e-mails naming recipients to appear on the "Oprah Millionaire Contest Show" are fraudulent (11)
(11 Alive) Amusing The 12th annual National Grits Festival is set to begin this weekend. In a related story, carnivals, Jiffy Lube and and Wal-Mart are expected to be shorthanded this weekend (130)
(HA HA HA HA no) Unlikely Britain discovers it has overpaid the Irish health service about €200million a year, asks Irish Government if they could please have their money back. Faint sound of laughter heard in the distance (106)
(WTVN) Fail Woman calls it a week after getting three DUIs in six days (43)
(Washington Post) Scary Terrorists are kinda scary / local websites none too merry / spreading their lies and recruiting / come on out and start some shooting / C-O-M-C-A-S-T (84)
(Telegraph) Interesting Snake venom is being marketed as the new budget alternative to botox, just in case cost was the main factor stopping you from injecting one of the world's deadliest toxins into your face (50)
(The Local (Sweden)) Sick Sweden has a law requiring its national library to archive a copy of everything printed in Sweden. Surprisingly, this includes child pornography (64)
(Some Guy) Interesting Thrity seven countries are joining together to figure out how to ruin the Internet (93)
(Boston Herald) Amusing Judge asks 'Am I Being Punk'd?' as frozen dog sperm case lands in her court (28)
(Fox News) Scary Flux-compression generator could take out a commercial airliner, but only if it's traveling at 88 mph (150)
(Boston Globe) Photoshop Photoshop these men and their boat (42)
(AJC) Amusing "Dracula bandit" won't be seeing the light of day for at least 20 years. Sucks to be him (16)
(BBC) Obvious Mexican President Calderon says tons of drugs couldn't enter the US without some complicity from US authorities. Thankfully, our borders are managed by morally-sound people too well paid for such insinuations (171)
(CBS New York) Amusing Jack the cat partners with underpants gnomes, no word on step 2 (45)
(The Scotsman) Obvious New study finds fat women rarely get promoted because they're seen as pigs, while fat men get promoted more often because they're seen as jovial. Naturally, bitter fat chicks won't appreciate the joie de vivre in this this fact (431)
(Some Guy) Dumbass In an effort to connect young men to God, priest organizes a cage fighting tournament on Easter Sunday. Naked Twister scheduled for Christmas (55)
(Statesman) Amusing School administrators change name of football stadium in fear of drug references; still mulling over what to do with the hash marks  T-Shirt (100)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida When the cops stop you for underaged drinking, it's not a good time to inform them that you also like to smoke crack on the weekends. "And sometimes the weekend rolls into Monday." (22)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 205: "Ugly....But Has a Great Personality" Difficulty: People cannot be the subject of your photo. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (203)

Wed April 08, 2009
(Gizmodo) PSA You may not use iTunes to "design, manufacture or produce nuclear, chemical or biological weapons". Just to clear up any confusion (118)
(AZCentral) Interesting A stroke of genius by the owner of a massage parlor played a hand in the arrest of a man who had the balls to use stolen credit cards. Plain-clothed dick says this investigation has a happy ending (27)
(Google) Dumbass Man somehow manages to make his fast food meal even MORE unhealthy by shooting himself in the leg while waiting in the drive-thru (23)
(Daily Star) Amusing Nanny state spends £500,000 sending veterinarians on a course...to learn how to play the bongos (38)
(Boston Globe) Spiffy If you believe that there are no honest people in the world, meet the woman who turned in a $357,959 cashiers check (99)
(Two Friends) Photoshop Photoshop two guys singing karaoke (33)
(London Times) Dumbass If you're heading to brief the government on a top secret anti-terror operation to arrest multiple Al-Qaeda suspects, try and make sure the press can't see the piece of paper with all their names and addresses on it (56)
(My Fox Tampa Bay) Florida Police report: She "is not a normal-sized 13-year-old child. She is 5'4" weighing 185 pounds and very strong." Also, she's Tasered (171)
(Reuters) Cool Want a recession proof career? Do you like make-up? Do you like scaring children? Have we got a job for you (72)
(MSNBC) Interesting Women now turning to plastic surgery to make themselves more competitive in the job market, as if having big boobs has ever gotten women anywhere (390)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man charged with crashing his car into a theater and with giving Fark the best mugshot of the day (187)
(Some Chick) Florida Man charged with arson says "he wasn't thinking" when he cleaned his apartment with gasoline and tossed a lit cigarette on a pile of gas-soaked cushions and clothes (37)
(CBC) Stupid Worried parents now eco-proofing nurseries. They would have just wrapped the kids in bubble wrap, but Aunt Ethel forwarded an email that said Sheryle Crow said on Oprah that bubble wrap contains dioxins which can cause cancer (84)
(Oregon Live) Obvious House passes bill that is "too gross to talk about." Multiple Miggs is very disappointed, even though he saw this one coming from a mile away (109)
(AP) Spiffy Church to hold Easter services at a bar. Bloody Mary prices not nailed down yet  T-Shirt (78)
(Google) Sad Would you kill your own baby, who is doomed to die anyways, to save another? What if your baby refuses to die, putting both babies at risk? This isn't a question from your old Ethics class; it's a real problem for this Canadian couple (235)
(Daily Mail) PSA In 'Things that seemed like a good idea at the time', you can add having your high school drama students re-enact scenes from Schindler's List of Nazis shooting Jews (38)
(Denver Post) Dumbass 13-year-old Wyoming girl racks up $4,756 bill texting with BFF Jill. Dad: STOP! HAMMER TIME! (230)
(Daily Mail) Stupid British teachers demand that wi-fi networks be removed from schools to protect the children from cancer and sterility. Clearly these people subscribe to the Gwyneth Paltrow journal of modern science (87)
(LA Times) Weird Gay porn idol dies at 62. He is survived by his wife... wait, what? (218)
(Some Patty and Selma) Obvious Colorado DMV rules that loving tofu is obscene. Submitter agrees wholeheartedly (244)
(Happy holiday Jewish farkers) Spiffy Tonight, Jews all over the world will reunite, eat bitter food, drink a lot of wine and hear their grand-parents go on and on about what happened ages ago. Why is this night different from all other nights? Because it's Passover (241)
(Some Guy) Interesting Man spends 31 years with a broken needle lodged in his buttocks. What a pain in the ass (55)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this resting risktaker (48)
(Telegraph) Obvious Family of teenager killed by train while listening to his iPod urge people to "never wear headphones outside whilst walking, for your own safety." Or you could open your eyes when you cross the rail tracks, it's really your choice (282)
(My Fox DC) Amusing Late for work? Try telling the boss you walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so you had to go inside and shower again. Works every time (with top excuses list) (219)
(NBCDFW.com) Interesting Surveillance cameras used to crack down on illegal dumpers. Cameras will provide police with 27 8x10 color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one (138)
(Washington Post) Interesting How much do you tip the person who hands you a bag of restaurant carryout? Ten percent? Fifteen percent? A Chick tract and a hearty handshake? (576)
(Daily Mail) Cool Congratulations! As part of our dedication to customer service, the game you've just bought comes with four free ecstacy tablets. Have a nice day (135)
(New York Daily News) Strange NYC cop fails cocaine test, claims it's because... *spins wheel*.... "I went down on my girlfriend" (137)
(Washington Post) Obvious The quest for blame in the recent mass killings moves on from the NRA and Rush Limbaugh to the recession, getting further away from the actual dudes who did the killing with every news cycle (239)
(WIS-TV) Dumbass It takes a special kind of dumb to steal a police car. This guy turned the knob to 11, and stole one so he could fix his own wrecked car (18)
(Dallas News) Asinine Texas school district considers grading snowflakes on feelings and good intentions (135)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Freedom of speech still cherished at American colleges: Readers protest anti-baseball editorial in Hillsdale College publication by decorating editor's porch with dead animals and leaving copy of paper under head of a goat (pic) (134)
(Discover) Amusing Suggest a tattoo for a Farker. Drew's face, streetlight, strangely absent from list (251)
(Telegraph) Cool British women are now allowed to orgasm on the television before 11:00 p.m., most still prefer the washing machine  T-Shirt (82)
(PlaneBuzz) Scary Lightning 1, Plane 1. Let's call this one a draw. (pics) (64)
(Daily Express) Asinine In the Nanny State, paper delivery boys will now be called... media distribution officers (55)
(The Smoking Gun) Followup Police crime scene photos of the ShamWow hooker beatdown. You can almost hear Vince lisping in photo No. 2. (Graphic warning: Lots of blood) (334)
(The Smoking Gun) Dumbass Joba Chamberlain sobriety test video. Insults New Yorkers and Yankee legend Yogi Berra (74)
(BBC) Dumbass Kite surfing along the shore can be good fun. Until you get blown 15 miles off course, and five lifeboat crews, four coastguard land teams and a rescue helicopter get called out (26)
(Canoe) Dumbass Another mother learns the old adage, "Never leave your keys and baby inside the same truck" (24)
(Fox News) Followup American crew regains control of hijacked ship, one pirate in custody. U-S-A! U-S-A! (560)
(CNN) Interesting Out-of-wedlock births hit record highs. Bastards (188)
(Some Guy) Amusing What is best in life? To crush Republicans, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. "Barack the Barbarian: Quest for the Treasure of Stimuli" to hit comic-book shelves near you (313)
(UPI) Strange Someone's greasy black balls were found on a CA beach (39)
(AP) Sick What's more awkward than your mom finding your porno stash? (312)
(Daily Mail) Strange The strangest pictures of horses with perms and hair extensions you'll see today and no, that's not a Sarah Jessica Parker joke (95)
(USA Today) Stupid 61 housing agencies who have been repeatedly faulted in audits for mishandling government aid to be penalized by losing out on stimulus funds. Just kidding, they're collecting a cool $300 million (56)
(Time) Sad Army recruiters setting new records. Unfortunately, it's for killing themselves (303)
(USA Today) Scary Forecast: Cloudy, with some blustery winds and a 71 percent chance of further job cuts (28)
(Toronto Star) Asinine Man seeks $3.5 billion from lottery corporation because of their extreme negligence. The bastards actually let him gamble in their casinos (94)
(Some Guy) Obvious News veterans fondly remember the long-ago days where anchors could report a story without breaking down in tears on TV (113)
(AL.com) Dumbass Dumb: Firefighter responding to car crash punches victim in the face. Dumber: The firefighter is also the mayor. Fark: It's the mayor of Hollywood (30)
(Inventor of the Sock Safe) Silly Fear stalks the streets, apparently barefoot, as sock thief terrorizes Idaho town. With realistic graphic depiction of what the sock thief might look like (46)
(Wall Street Journal) Unlikely U.S. electrical grid penetrated by spies. And they don't mean suicidal squirrels this time (102)
(Boston Globe) Amusing Al Capone busted for tax evasion. No, this is not a repeat from 1931 (32)
(Fox News) Scary Somali pirates not affected by recession, back at work, hijack tanker with 21 Americans on board (287)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: The art of subtlety (56)
(Daily Mail) Sappy Need an "Awwww" to start your morning? Here are some piglets and tigers snuggling up together in a Thailand zoo (pics) (53)
(News 10 ABC Sacramento) Followup California police get testy and sack two nuts who had the balls to steal Lance Armstrong's bike (52)
(Some Guy) Cool Man's heart comes to stop. Collaborate and listen, Ice saved his ass with a brand new invention  T-Shirt (65)
(News.com.au) Cool The Grim Reaper: "I has a viktim. NOOOO, THEY BE STEALIN' MAH VIKTIM" (90)
(TBO) Florida Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Obama yanked for being "not appropriate for sale" (143)
(Komo) Stupid Driver killed gas attendant because she was a witch. He hates these wiccans  T-Shirt (130)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Lame superpowers (49)
(KXII) Fail ♫ Cup is a burning thing, ♫ and it makes a fiery ring, ♫ sold by KFC, ♫ It was nuked on high for three ♫ (39)
(Google) Followup Italy lags in making buildings earthquake-resistant. Seriously, they have this one tower that's almost falling over already (39)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this milky mess (44)
(MSNBC) Followup Survivor found in Italy rubble, hope fading for REO Speedwagon (73)
(London Times) Obvious "The truth is that, when you get down to the boring, un-Rambo-ish details, it's hard to envisage a scenario in which the benefits of owning a gun for the sake of self-defence outnumber the pitfalls" (1025)

Tue April 07, 2009
(Daily Mail) Dumbass 'I was hooked on sunbeds twice a day. Then my skin fell off and I needed chemotherapy'. Darwin waits with bated breath (195)
(AZCentral) Interesting Suspected bank robber who tried to change his appearance after his heist busted when police notice shaving cream on his ear (37)
(Newsweek) Stupid Today's 911 non-emergency call comes from Haltom City, TX, where woman demanded more shrimp in her fried rice. "He didn't even put extra shrimp in there." (99)
(CBC) Asinine Not news: Father grounds daughter from going on class trip. Fark: She sues him. Uber-ultra-super-extra-wtf-fark: She wins (227)
(London Times) Interesting British teachers intimidated in their own homes by pupils using thought control and dark sarcasm (87)
(Forbes) Obvious West Virginia kills bill mandating that restaurants provide calorie counts, decides fat and ignorant is the way to go through life, son (202)
(Reuters) Followup Binghamton shooter's note to TV station ended with "Have a Nice Day," tipping authorities off that man was definitely not from New York (135)
(SFGate) Cool Helicopter pilot who was filmed receiving a "sex act" from a porn star while flying cannot get his license back. In his defense, it is called the "cockpit" for a reason (111)
(Some Guy) Cool Moose rescued from icy lake as squirrel watches on anxiously (with great pics) (66)
(Buffalo News) Hero That sick patient needs to travel 100 miles for a liver transplant in the middle of a blizzard? Looks like we got ourselves a convoy (69)
(Daily Mail) Cool Old and busted: vasectomies. New hotness: 15 minute female sterilization (203)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Attention parents: Your child is stupid, not dyslexic (137)
(NBC San Fran) Obvious This just in: college kids are gonna smoke pot on 4/20. Guess what, it's not just one day they're gonna smoke (197)
(New York Daily News) Scary Iran is sooooo not seeking nuclear weapons material -- you know, except for that fake Chinese company they are using to transfer that kind of stuff (121)
(Newsweek) Interesting Six tax deductions you've never heard of. If you require medical equipment such as a clarinet, you should read this article (59)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this kelly-colored container (40)
(All Voices) Amusing Wearing makeup can save the lives of elderly women. Submitter can't think of a good punchline, but your grandmother's a whore (65)
(Fox News) Cool "The most powerful people on the Internet don't work for Microsoft, Google or the government. Rather, they're a bunch of antisocial, foul-mouthed, clever nerds" (432)
(Guardian.com) Obvious "Given that the curry is a UK national dish, we should be developing our own indigenous curry workforce" (86)
(Seacoastonline.com) Florida Man robs bank so his girfriend "won't have to have sex for money any more." She's doing it wrong (55)
(Newsweek) Obvious The proportion of Americans who think religion "can answer all or most of today's problems" is now at a historic low (686)
(Boston Globe) Obvious Boston students struggle with the "English only" rule in school, and that's coming from native Bostonians (104)
(The Tennessean) Weird Nashville teacher arrested on charges of secretly filming students having sex (with "I can't believe such a normal guy would do such a thing" pic goodness) (250)
(Breitbart.com) Amusing Japanese porn even has its tentacles in British government websites (65)
(Telegraph) Scary Liverpool council announces that the ghost haunting Croxteth Hall is former Earl of Sefton, according to paranormal experts, not Vince Clortho, keymaster of Gozer as previously suspected (78)
(Some Guy) Amusing Brigham Young University forced to trash 18,000 newspapers after typo. Turns out there really is a difference between 'apostles' and 'apostates' (110)
(Boston Globe) Asinine Boston to cabbies: Go green by 2015 or else. Cabbies to Boston: But what about the city's fleets of busses and cars? Boston to cabbies: Shut your whore mouth (125)
(Miami Herald) Silly Dave Barry asks the question all men have been dying to ask women...why decorative pillows? (235)
(TC Palm) Florida Florida city wants to ban oil, mud, and Jello wrestling. "The term 'buttocks' shall mean the area at the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing." (162)
(The Consumerist) Stupid The dumbest infomercial product ever: the Jumpsnap, a ropeless jump rope (185)
(The Consumerist) Obvious Publisher's Clearing House scam is targeting your grandma with the "deposit this check and send back half" scam. With pic of check and letter (104)
(Den Of Geek) Interesting Ten Star Wars characters with more history than you'd think - including the prostitutes of Mos Eisley (288)
(Telegraph) Stupid ♫ Who can take your trash out? Stomp it down for you? Shake the plastic bag and do the twisty-thingy too? The Garbage Man can. ♫ ♪ Unless, of course, there's a plastic plant pot in it, then it's just too dangerous (46)
(SILive) Stupid Hey judge, if you won't let me change my name to Black Cream Allah, how about Original Kreeam Shabazz? (99)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Shockingly enough, a women only office isn't automatically all sweetness and light and female-bonding over that lovely pair of shoes you bought yesterday (573)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Ritalin could help obese people lose weight, finally finish reading the Great Gatsby (106)
(Washington Post) Spiffy First gay marriage was legal in Massachusetts, then Connecticut, then Iowa, now it's moving on to Vermont. Yeeeeeeaaaaarrggggh  T-Shirt (862)
(Denver Post) Silly For PBS, "Sometimes it's symphony tickets. Sometimes it's museum passes. This time, it's squirrel underpants" (26)
(C|Net) Dumbass Not news: Kid steals car stereo. News: His cellphone spontaneously calls the cops while he brags to his friends. Fark: He's still holding the stereo when the cops triangulate the signal and pick him up (47)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass If your Doctor tells you that he needs to rub your boobs to check if you're pregnant, you should probably believe him. He has a medical degree and everything (63)
(The Local (Germany)) Interesting Bad weather forces German leader to abandon war zone. This is not a repeat from 1944 (17)
(AP) Interesting Rare megamouth shark caught in Phillipines. It was delicious (51)
(11 Alive) Asinine Those in Atlanta that are suffering from the economic crisis take comfort in knowing they can rely on Atlanta's mass transit for their commute. ...oh crap (192)
(Some Guy) Fail Now remember kids: If your most recent picture is underneath the word "WANTED", you might want to send a friend to the post office for stamps (28)
(AP) Unlikely Purdue students petition to make campus laws on marijuana the same as laws for alcohol. Local pizza joints fully supportive of the initiative (67)
(Chicago Tribune) Stupid Study finds that triathalons are deadlier than marathons. EVERYBODY PANIC, FREAK OUT, AND BE FRIGHTENED (38)
(CNN) News Hussein back in Baghdad  T-Shirt (354)
(thefrisky.com) Followup Porn Screening Canceled At University Of Maryland (41)
(Dallas News) Obvious Pentagon shifts focus from high-maintenance F-22's to cheaper F-35's. Subby's focus still locked on trashy 36-DD's (253)
(Some Maineiac) Obvious A father and son were shocked... SHOCKED while cutting down trees near the power lines (50)
(Metro) Scary A friend is someone who will come and bail you out after a night in jail, a real friend is someone who won't bite your penis off after an argument (60)
(Yahoo) Interesting Consumer Reports: save up to $130 a year by switching toilet paper. Save even more by using the magazine itself (185)
(WPXI) Fail Man takes car to dealership for servicing, takes shortcut through showroom, over employee's desk (46)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop these tousled tresses (39)
(Toronto Star) Asinine If you want that A+, study, work hard and pay attention in class. Or go to a private school that guarantees you'll get a specific grade as soon as the cheque clears. Whatever works for you (101)
(USA Today) Interesting This little piggie went to the market. This little piggie stayed home. This little piggie was dressed in body armor, strapped to a Humvee simulator and blown-up with explosives all the way home (136)
(News.com.au) Hero Swedish cops' six-month investigation into kidnapped children has no leads. Australian father takes leave from work, finds them in seven days. That's some nice work, Lou. Bonus: All he needed was a rental car and some binoculars (125)
(CBS Sacramento) Sad O.J. Simpson's sister dies. O.J. prepares alibi (65)
(Google) Spiffy French hospital performs face, hand transplant, making facepalms a whole lot easier (50)
(Metro) Amusing Sick of people parking in front of your driveway? One German man has the solution (95)
(Guardian.com) Obvious Legalization of drugs such as marijuana could save Britain £14 billion a year, force citizens to have daily conversations with stinking hippies who want to know if they've ever REALLY looked at their hand, man (196)
(Some Guy) Ironic Schindler's list turns up in Australia, where Hitler was born and where he first organized the Third Reich (91)
(TC Palm) Florida In order to get more business, pain clinics in Florida lure patients with $25 gasoline cards, two-for-one pill specials and half-price days. "Florida is embarrassing itself" (56)
(Daily Overlook) Photoshop Photoshop these happy... um, Hawaiians? (43)
(AP) Obvious Woman borrows boss' Ferrari. Since this is Fark, you know what happens next (180)

Mon April 06, 2009
(Some Guy) Cool Politicians, celebrities call for National Beer Day. Finally there's a campaign all of Fark can get behind (68)
(Yahoo) Stupid Not news: Precious snowflake pulled from dance school. Fark: Because school plans dance recital to Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. Ultra Fark? Mom thinks song promotes "bad body image" (117)
(JSOnline) Dumbass It's a bird.. It's a plane...no, it's a stolen Cessna being pursued by two F-16 fighters flying over Illinois by a student pilot who refuses to contact air traffic control (252)
(Some Guy) Hero Sheriff against red light cameras "We already have enough invasion of our privacy" (156)
(Some Guy) Stupid Wisconsin is asking people to refrain from feeding squirrels at the state Capitol because they might inadvertently harm a child with a peanut allergy (138)
(Denver Channel) PSA If you're a teacher going out of town, make sure your subsitute knows the difference between the "Geography Presentations" and "Porn Movies" folders on your computer (90)
(BBC) Cool Facebook, a girl in Maryland, the White House, the British Embassy and local police work together to stop an attempted suicide in the UK (104)
(BBC) Asinine Recently uncovered WWII documents reveal that racist U.S. and British military leaders ensured black soldiers were excluded from French units scheduled to liberate Paris from Nazis (419)
(Colorado Independent) Dumbass Focus on the Family narrator charged with focusing on someone's family's underage daughter (122)
(Globe and Mail) Interesting Why every office needs a Dwight Schrute... aside from easy access to Schrute Bucks (68)
(UPI) Florida If you're going to hit someone in the head because they refuse to move their boat, use something more effective than half a dead fish (40)
(madison.com) Silly News: College students sleep outside in cardboard boxes to experience what it's like to be homeless. Fark: They decorated them with streamers and balloons.... y'know, just like the homeless do (72)
(Google) Interesting US responds to earthquake in Italy by offering them emergency aid totalling $50,000, which is enough to buy every victim a plate of pasta, no sauce and don't even ask for bread (180)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this icebound submarine (53)
(Denver Channel) Dumbass Media is happy to spread the word that more and more kids are using Axe body spray as homemade flame throwers. I hope they don't learn how flammable spray paint is (158)
(UPI) PSA Never get between a eight-year old and his ice cream (70)
(Some Guy) PSA The government would like to remind you that if you see a government employee in front of your home punching numbers into a handheld computer, do not be alarmed (140)
(Telegraph) Silly Welsh school children devise way to actually play Quidditch. It's no "Australian indoor-rules" version, but it might work (124)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Idiot backcountry snowmobiler manages to show everything you're not supposed to do to avoid causing an avalanche (w/ link to vid) (114)
(MSNBC) Dumbass Pregnant columnist gets parenting advice from Facebook. Quiz says that baby has 85% chance of going into therapy (74)
(The Raw Story) Unlikely Researchers find "highly engineered explosive" in WTC dust and rubble. It really is thermite this time (946)
(UPI) Obvious Man dies at G20 summit. In related news: death by police baton is now categorized as dying from natural causes (97)
(Gawker) Unlikely Drudge: "I do not love sex with men" (308)
(News.com.au) Stupid Government sex ed website that tells primary school students that abortion can be "a relief" and hormones make you "feel sexy" has parents knickers in a twist (106)
(AFP) Cool Super Sherpa climbs Everest to clean it up. Suck it Norgay (90)
(Miami Herald) Florida Small town dictator upset that someone posted videos of him on YouTube acting like a small town dictator (64)
(TC Palm) Florida Girl charged with a felony for throwing a pretzel at a cop. That's twisted (92)
(Drew) FarkBlog Wandering semen, astronomical shrinkage and Obama's ties to Satan: Headlines of the Week 3/29 to 4/4 (23)
(CNN) Obvious Caffeine withdrawal is real. Obvious tags wants another cup NOW (219)
(AFP) Amusing British supermarket will rename a type of fish to be more PC. So now "pollack", which is close to a slang word for testicles will be called "colin" which is not close to any word that resembles a body part, apparently (99)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Wearing pink fishnets and carrying your baby around in a car full of kiddie porn and crack pipes while driving on a suspended license with an outstanding warrant for your arrest is no way to go through life, son (121)
(Daily Express) Unlikely Meet Peng Fu. He hasn't cut his hair in 60 years [w pic] (130)
(TC Palm) Florida Man gets drunk, strips naked, runs down the street claiming he's an illegal alien, and nearly punches a cop in the face all in the hopes of getting deported to Mexico (32)
(NBC DC) Obvious You can't stop college kids from watching porn, no matter what you do (150)
(AP) Stupid Another sign of the bad economy: Restaurant famine: "When you get seated, the first thing they say is, just to let you know, tonight we're out of our blah blah blah" Its the end of the world as we know it (111)
(Homestar Runner) Cool Gotta make it back in time for the 3:09 PM donut rush (48)
(AFP) Cool If your dog fell overboard four months ago, Australian authorities have some good news for you (56)
(Daily Express) Interesting Indiana Jones was way off. The Lost Ark is actually in...Robert Mugabe's bedroom (112)
(Telegraph) Strange German DJ breaks world record by running his radio show non-stop for a week without once talking about scheisse (61)
(wlbz.com) Dumbass A New Hampshire group protesting government spending ends up causing more spending in emergency services (37)
(Local6) Florida If you love your parrot, set it free. If it returns to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, meet the new owner by chance at a Dunkin Donuts and have a judge subpoena the bird (62)
(Local10) Florida If your 10 year-old relative finds your porn stash, tying her hands behind her back and forcing her into a partially filled bathtub, dunking her head under water several times is not an appropriate response (137)
(The Tennessean) Sappy 83 year old man gets his wish to be pulled by worldest biggest mule in local parade. Fark: It's his ashes (52)
(Seacoastonline.com) Unlikely A hospital mistakenly gives the wrong baby to the wrong mother for a first breast-feeding. The father is quoted as saying, It is "every parent's worst nightmare." He must be new at this (157)
(WBBM) Silly Kid left home alone hears a noise and calls police. Then it gets all SWAT-y (83)
(The Sun) PSA If you're going to cheat on your girlfriend, there are better places to do it than on a plane with her asleep in the seat next to you (201)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this evolving business (42)
(KCTV) Dumbass Not news: Parent gambles with their children's future. Fark: Parents takes out student loans in their child's name to gamble with their future (116)
(Baltimore Sun) Obvious Recession means having to put up with more of your wife's crappy cooking, awkward silence at the dinner table (165)
(Telegraph) Amusing Tuesday 11:45 is the most stressful time of the week. Why? "Most workers coast through Monday getting their brain in gear and catching up with gossip from the weekend through social networking sites" (61)
(Seacoastonline.com) Obvious A huge waiting list for NH sex offender program has some offenders sucking up to their parole officers (68)
(CNN) Scary Land first, THEN put the plane in the hangar (49)
(Mother of the Year) Dumbass Not News: Mother breast-feeds four-month-old baby. Fark: while driving. UltraFark: drunk (45)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Ugly-ass offense against nature, tiniest dog ever. awwwwww (76)
(Ynetnews.com) Interesting Here's a tip: A Jewish organization a slice above the rest will help Jewish men, even if they're a shave above 80-year-old, cut a deal with God and get circumcised for free. Foreskin  T-Shirt (61)
(Some Guy) Sick Uıɐƃɐ ʇɐıɥs sıɥʇ ʇou 'ǝzǝǝſ ʍ∀ (73)
(Some Guy) Amusing Parents freak out after an erotic novel containing sexually explicit scenes was included in a show bag given to children at a baby show. "You would expect to get a book like this at Sexpo, not at the Runaway Bay Baby Show." (90)
(NewsOK) Obvious Olympic Committee tours Chicago, expects bribe requests to be far less awkward than in Salt Lake City (71)
(News.com.au) Interesting New Yorkers butthurt over anti-smoking ad showing kid crying when separated from mother, paying 10 bucks for a pack (235)
(Reuters) News 6.3 earthquake hits Italy, 100 km east of Rome. TUTTI PANICO (145)
(Daily Mail) Cool Badger babies join the ranks of ugly-ass springtime creatures. awwwwwww (66)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this positive affirmation (60)
(Durant Democrat) Dumbass Hotel TV thief not the brightest criminal in the world, but he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express (37)
(Washington Post) Sad Poor people become brain damaged. Here comes the science (128)
(BBC) Fail Muslims discover they've been praying in the wrong direction for centuries as some 200 mosques don't face toward Mecca -- in Mecca (334)

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