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Sun May 03, 2009
(Chicago Tribune) Amusing "There are a lot of people out there who don't like donkey ball, but they're usually city folks who ain't never been around any animals before." (36)
(oobject) Weird Dental chairs through history. #5 is a WTF mindfark from hell (103)
(National Post) Obvious D'immersion en français pour créer deux niveaux du système scolaire pour les étudiants. If you can't read that, it only proves the point (325)
(CNN) Obvious CNN features couples kissing with paper masks to prevent swine flu. Confirms subby's belief that the only sane people left in the world are on FARK (143)
(Komo) Unlikely Largest cigarette tax increase in Washington State history may cause smokers to quit. And they may start exercising, stop littering everywhere, and have pleasant personalities (418)
(Some Guy) Amusing Because having a giant subwoofer in the back of your car just wasn't enough (68)
(boulder daily camera) Dumbass Swine flu panic reaches asshat levels when elementary students get sent home for just visiting Mexico. School administrators busy trying to handle newest crisis: cooties (83)
(Boston Globe) Unlikely Researchers say women in positions of power would help businesses. "The culprits (of the financial crisis), one can't help but notice, were overwhelmingly male" (122)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this heated argument (36)
(AFP) Scary Mother Nature spins the earthquake wheel, and it comes up....hold on....tick tick tick tiiiick.....Guatemala. Congratulations, Guatemala (56)
(Daily Express) Dumbass This guy is going to jump off the Grand Canyon and hope that he can fly using only rocket-propelled wings. If he's right, big deal. If he's wrong, he's Pasadena carpet mulch (76)
(YouTube) Cool Greatest impromptu piano duet by a 90-year-old couple in the Mayo Clinic lobby you'll hear today. Cool tag because there is no AWESOME tag (156)
(Some Guy) Interesting Catholic Church weighs in on genetically modified foods. Lettuce pray (98)
(The Atlantic) Obvious Researchers map out the 7 deadly sins to find out where vice and geography overlap. Guess what part of America has the most Lust. Go ahead, guess (205)
(Yahoo) Interesting What a socialist state with high taxes actually looks like. Or, in other words, here's an article about Finland (339)
(Boston Globe) Stupid Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic rock (39)
(Variety) Caption Caption this happy House (46)
(Post Star) Sappy Having solved all other problems, Senator Chuck Schumer wants IHOP to serve New York maple syrup at all of their in-state restaurants (107)
(Time) Stupid "A small but growing number of churches around the country are encouraging people to integrate text-messaging into their relationship with God." (144)
(TwinCities.com) Interesting Breath-test ruling jeopardizes thousands of state DWI cases (199)
(The Tennessean) Stupid Sexual abstinence : ridiculous :: Waiting until your wedding day for your first kiss : the tag (391)
(Daily Star) Obvious If this story was even vaguely true it would be a lot longer (48)
(TNP.sg) Strange Notorious bullies caned for taunting another boy for his 'girly voice' at popular Singapore school. "Public caning is for educative purposes," said principal (79)
(MSNBC) Ironic Eleven pirates unfamiliar with history surrender to French (102)
(Some Guy) Asinine Will someone please remind the police that those things cameramen carry can actually record the asshattery to enrage the public later? (155)
(OC Registre) Asinine If you use the word "professional" in a Craigslist ad, you're a racist (199)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Amusing Mother kicked out of neighborhood playgroup because other moms found out she is a stripper. Subby offers his condolences and extends an offer to join his playgroup, among other things (88)
(Boston Globe) Scary College makes students unplug, sit down, and eat like human beings (41)
(Whitehouse.gov) Photoshop Photoshop President Obama learning how to properly use a paddle (40)
(CBS News) Stupid Every night, the world air guitar champion transforms into his rock persona, "Hott Lixx," and does air guitar in his 'air guitar workout room,' which hermetically seals his virginity forever (50)
(Daily Express) Asinine Nanny state stops six-year-old using pebbles to build a dam in a two-inch deep stream because of the 'flood risk' (89)
(NPR) Interesting Ever wonder who so many Somalis have taken to piracy? Because it makes economic sense. Here comes the science (150)
(ABC News) Cool The coolest cars you've never heard of. No, you can't have one. Not yours (72)
(AP) Weird On top of everything else, now there could be a beer bottle shortage (41)
(Daily Express) Interesting Real-life treasure hunt underway in Columbia for drug baron Pablo Escobar's buried millions (43)
(UPI) Stupid Health experts say the "worried well" are overburdening many hospitals with imagined symptoms. MSM apologizes for furthering panic in 3... 3... 3... 3 (55)
(BBC) Amusing U.S. poet lost / On a haiku in Japan / Sought by police prose (79)
(UPI) Sad "Man killed by fighting dogs" Well, maybe if he hadn't been fighting the dogs in the first place... silly English (54)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Pregnant cougar escapes. She's declawed, if you're into that sort of thing (67)
(Wisconsin State Journal) Interesting Not News: 140 arrested at annual 5-hour-long block party near UW-Madison. News: Crowd called "calm and well behaved". Fark: Arrests were down from 440 last year (32)
(UPI) Obvious Hamid Karzai could be re-elected president of Afghanistan merely because his opposition remains divided and is in disarray. Oh, and he has US Army standing behind him (32)
(Daily Express) Weird The. Weirdest. Thing. Ever (154)
(NPR) Interesting This may end up being either the coolest coffee table book ever, or exhibit A in your trial... or both (47)
(Reuters) Amusing Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi's wife: He may be more more popular then Obama and second only to Napoleon, but he also "consorts with minors" and I want a divorce (49)
(AP) Stupid Two unemployed homeless men try the veal, will be jailed here all week (48)
(BBC) Sad Avalanche kills 6 in Austria. First the bush fires, then the floods, then this - is the place cursed? (65)
(Google) Interesting Not news: Cowboy pulled over for drinking and driving. Fark: On his horse at a strip mall (38)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Italy's Prime Minister Berlusconi: "I'm more popular than Obama and second only to Napoleon" (70)
(Daily Mail) Hero Soldier who lost the use of his legs makes it to the halfway point of the London Marathon --- a week after it ended (71)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this virtual victim (30)
(Columbus Ledger-Enquirer) Hero Bronze Star w/ 'V' device winner Joe Galloway unloads on Obama, Pelosi, Bush, Cheney and everyone unwilling to address torture with the same vigor he did to the NVA in the Ia Drang Valley November, 1965 (525)
(News.com.au) Dumbass If you're planning on breaking into a place, maybe you shouldn't do it on a rainy night when the roof is slick (8)
(Washington Post) Stupid Life imitates art as reporters go on "Panda Watch." Hopefully followed by an anchorman melee which involves a hand grenade and a trident stabbing (37)
(The Register) Amusing Google's new lawn maintenance crew bleats mowing (43)
(Some Girl) Sad The dog that chewed off two of his own feet to escape trap is back up and running around. He told you he was hardcore, and he wants his steak now (48)
(Gawker) Stupid Swine flu tragically kills 'air kisses' between rich NYC socialites (120)

Sat May 02, 2009
(Guardian.com) Sad Jack Kemp, former NFL player, Congressman, VP candidate, and one of many illegitimate sons of Shawn Kemp, dead at 73 (167)
(The Dispatch) Strange North Carolina students dine on Bojangles chicken & Krispy Kreme in a class on Tarheel cuisine; "I never heard of liver pudding or Cheerwine before". They sound fat (177)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this Floridian's futile flailings (50)
(Some Chick) Dumbass Parents buy their 8-year old son a new cell phone and the first call he makes is a prank 9-1-1 call telling the operator his dad shot his mom and set her on fire. Police take the phone away as "evidence." (144)
(Some Guy) Misc Today's woman with everything but the kitchen sink stuffed in her vagina comes to you from Louisville, KY, and the KY was probably useful (With you'd hit it like a pinata pic) (238)
(New Scientist) PSA Eating a vulture won't clear a bad case of syphilis (50)
(Boston Herald) Dumbass Prom limo driver unclear on the concept: the limo is for the kids to do the drinking, not the driver (27)
(France24) Sad Being albino in Africa sucks, especially the part where your magical body parts can bring wealth, good luck (240)
(Hot Air) Stupid It's not just veterans, pro-lifers any more. If you wear Doc Martens, join Peta, question giving drivers licenses to illegal aliens you, too, may be a dangerous "extremist" (250)
(AJC) Unlikely Nearly one third of Georgia Republicans favor secession from the United States. No, this is not a repeat from 1861 (443)
(Some Chick) Dumbass If you are trying for a "Crime of Passion" defense after killing the man your girlfriend has been cheating with, don't stand up in court bragging how you are a swinger and have 17 girlfriend and that, yes, you murdered the man (38)
(CNN) Obvious After helping to create it, CNN derisively reports on "flu hysteria" (96)
(Guardian.com) Interesting Once considered a sign of sloppy writing, exclamation points are now more common. Except in headlines submitted to a certain snarky news aggregator site (130)
(Time) Interesting Why legalizing marijuana makes sense. Suspiciously not mentioned: everything seems like a good idea when you're high (217)
(Some Guy) Followup Followup: 70-year old man who died saving two young boys from drowning was a lawyer. Hero tag seen muttering, pacing, scratching head (41)
(BBC) Cool If photoshopping was real the world would be like this (92)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Hidden treasure (60)
(CBS New York) Dumbass Not News: TSA screener steals stuff from your baggage. News: Stuff was a gun and ammunition. Fark: You're NYPD (114)
(Boston Channel) Interesting Old and busted: pooping on beverage cart to divert plane. New hotness: showing "flu like symptoms" (44)
(Telegraph) Cool Research finds that the African San people are the most ancient race. They are the direct relations of early modern humans.....and they want you to get the hell off their lawn (226)
(Fox News) Obvious Student yelled at in front of classmates by teacher for reading the "wrong" news on the Internet. It was on the Rush Limbaugh show, so it must be true (316)
(Some Guy) Stupid Not news: Craigslist ad asks people to take things sitting outside house. News: It was placed by neighbor. Fark: a police officer. Ultra Fark: Police department "doesn't know if a crime has been committed" (67)
(Some John) Sad More workers to be out on the streets as RI votes to ban indoor prostitution (66)
(Chicago Tribune) Asinine Year-long drug investigation on campus yields 21 arrests, 6.5 oz. of weed. That's some fine police work there, Lou (112)
(Boston Globe) Asinine Social workers charged in starvation death of a girl, because they never visited their clients. "At some point, they realized they could get paid for doing nothing" (112)
(Newsday) Asinine Handshakes banned after high school sports. Wash your damn hands (45)
(NPR) Stupid Even with nearly four years to find a new place to live, thousands of Gulf Coast residents soon to be homeless as FEMA closes their "emergency" trailers. Can we still blame this on Bush? (244)
(ABC News) Interesting The annual list of the "11 Most Endangered Historic Places" is out now, and no it's not a Facebook app (51)
(Free Press) Scary I've SEEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener" (72)
(Fox News) Interesting White House joins Facebook and Twitter. "Just sent 200 pizzas to Sarkozy. LOL. Man I'd love to have a 'summit' with his wife" (47)
(ABC News) Obvious Step 7 in the fearmongering media checklist: admitting things weren't really as bad as made out originally. Swine flu virus less potent than first feared (97)
(ProJo) Sad "Smart" girl crosses busy intersection looking at cell phone, listening to iPod, with hood over head (209)
(BBC) Interesting Somali pirates seize ship containing 35,000 tons of soya, so there's at least one group of people listening to PETA (32)
(Gizmodo) Unlikely Lawn mower saves man's life from a hand grenade. "Timmy, mow the lawn, unless you want to lose a leg" (20)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man agrees to settle $100 debt with another by letting him have sex with his girlfriend, doesn't bother to clear the new payment plan with her (88)
(WTVF-TV) Amusing Nashville defense attorneys volunteer to fill in for absent judges. Then, when judges aren't looking, they dismiss boatloads of speeding tickets. Ahhh, justice (31)
(The Chattanooga Pulse) Strange PETA offers to spend six grand to fix potholes in city... if they can spraypaint "KFC Tortures Animals" on the repaired surface. Surprisingly, the city has a problem with this (49)
(OC Register) Scary Teacher found to have violated First Amendment by calling creationism "religious, superstitious nonsense". That would be the "free exercise of religion" bit, not the "free speech" bit (620)
(Cleveland) Scary Class action lawsuit alleges 2000 women have had their breasts infected by defective bras from Victoria's Secret. It's a booby trap (54)
(The Sun) Sappy Feline felon Henry steals dozens of socks from neighbourhood clotheslines. Crime detected after evidence found by cat's MILFy owner, who will return them on Caturday (341)
(Some Guy) Sad Search continues for blind hiker who has been missing for 7 days and 14 nights  T-Shirt (46)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this flu-fearing flier (44)
(Some Changelette) Weird Surprisingly enough, agreeing to switch places with your sister-in-law in the hospital so you can assume her identity is not a recommended method of adopting a newborn (9)
(The Consumerist) Ironic Sorority girls hospitalized after sustaining chemical burns while slip-and-sliding on laundry detergent at a fraternity fundraiser for the D.C. Firefighter's Burn Association (66)
(The Olympian) Fail Flight ends up in the toilet (33)
(PNW Local News) Sad Economy is so bad that man's teenage daughter only sells for $2,000 (36)
(Daily Mail) Scary For a minimal fee, new coin-operated tanning booths can give you that hip fire-red skin tone in just 16 minutes (85)
(MSNBC) Strange *tap tap* *tap tap tap* *tap tap* Whiff...Whiff...AAAAAAAA (77)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this suspended sculpture section (39)
(Wall Street Journal) Obvious Since the swine flu is starting to lose its luster, here's a story about how the Taliban is going to nuke us all. EVERYBODY PANIC (61)
(US News and World Report) Obvious Atheism will never get anywhere unless it forms its own "church of atheism" (581)
(Some Guy) Stupid Miley Cyrus vows to wait until marriage to have sex. Just like Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, and Vanessa Hudgens (205)

Fri May 01, 2009
(Talking Points Memo) Dumbass "All you do is lie. I wish you died when you fell off the roof." Psycho ex-boyfriend? Nope, message from the debt collector (134)
(AP) Obvious Driver attempts to go through an alley, but hits a fence, followed by a utility pole, a garage, two more fences, a house, and a second garage causing $26,000 in damage. Vagina may have been a factor (108)
(ABC News) Amusing Woman charged with trying to bite flight crew after downing prescription drugs, two bottles of wine and a container of hand soap (73)
(LA Times) Sappy Ugly-ass meerkat pups born at London Zoo, including one with two heads (44)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Fat tourists accused of animal cruelty by taking donkey rides while on vacation (120)
(WGAL 8) Asinine Car dealer says people won't take jobs because they'd rather get unemployment. "We offered him a job here. He turned it down and said he'd rather stay on unemployment. To me that's an abuse of the system" (395)
(Some Guy) Asinine 13-year old student sent home for wearing surgical mask to school. "Students and faculty became worried that the student was infected with the virus" (75)
(Daily Gazette (Schenectady)) Hero Army medic home from Iraq starts his leave by becoming father, husband in span of 48 hours. Expected to return to Iraq in two weeks for much needed rest (63)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing This week's TSG mugshot roundup. You just can't mask the excitement (203)
(Some Guy) Florida Judge orders a confessed killer to go free, but the killer wants to remain in jail. It must be opposite day in Florida (37)
(CBS News) Silly "Remember when we were married and I went out and got drunk then came home and had my way with you?" "Yeah, that was good. Remember when I cut off your penis?" Ahh, good times (91)
(PennLive) Asinine City of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania passes gun law requiring owners to register their guns or be fined up to $1,000 per day per gun. NRA too busy protesting Obama to get involved (530)
(WTOP) Followup Michael Vick in talks to become PETA spokesman. Wait... WHAT? (169)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these big bonk barrels (35)
(FARK) FarkParty Final Reminder: NYC Fark Party TONIGHT. Drew will be there; DIT (132)
(AP) Unlikely Man sleep drives to lake, then sleep walks into lake, then sleep drowned, or at least that is what his wife is claiming (68)
(FARK) Cool San Francisco Fark BBQ Saturday, May 16th at Dolores Park (108)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Spiffy St. Paul, Minn. elementary school to be renamed "Barack and Michelle Obama Service Learning Elementary" (288)
(Fox News) Obvious You know the media frenzy over swine flu is ending when Fox News goes back to missing cute white girls as their featured story (253)
(FARK) VideoEdit Create your own fake UFO video. Difficulty: A year from now, someone from AboveTopSecret will link to it with message "OMG, this is totally REAL" (74)
(Some Guy) Obvious If someone claiming to be a census worker asks if you'd like a back rub and what color your panties are, he's probably not a real census worker. "On several occasions, he touched himself." (58)
(Flickr) Caption Caption Drew saying something profound at the Sports Center desk (102)
(Some Guy) Silly If you stole every single sign from Winfield, PA, the police would like a word with you (41)
(KMOV St. Louis) Sick Actual headline: Phantom pooper targets local car dealerships (138)
(Reuters) Interesting Add Maine to the list of states wanting to destroy the sanctity of marriage (646)
(WDBO) Florida Popular Orlando DJ arrested after he shoots his dog, bullet goes through dog's leg and hits wife in head (220)
(WWL) Interesting University: "We need to add $8 per credit hour to save the athletic program." Students: "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out" (351)
(BBC) Strange Youtube video helps man deliver baby, commenters most likely tell him to shove it back in (55)
(Daily Express) Obvious Computers are breeding a new generation of dumbasses with no handwriting skills (290)
(Boston Globe) Stupid Boston to city employees: Wait, were we supposed to pay you yesterday? (34)
(The Local (Germany)) Strange Germans use giant picture of Angela Merkel in her underwear to sell new cars, eyebleach (104)
(Denver Channel) Stupid Pentagon using Facebook and Twitter to recruit new employees, because if there's one thing the military needs it's someone who posts every minute detail of their life on the web  T-Shirt (81)
(Globe and Mail) Silly Some Catholics want residential school student and employee who died in 1949 elevated to sainthood because her body decomposed slowly (56)
(Houston Chronicle) Unlikely Virgin Mary appears on a Mexican griddle. With "OMG it's true" picture that will have skeptics waffling on the topic (173)
(USA Today) Hero Newly discovered documents show that FDR worked secretly to get jews to safety during the holocaust (312)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely Jack the Ripper was a forgery invented by journalists desperate to sell their newspaper. Thank goodness in the 21st century no self-repecting journalist would think of selling polished turds as news (63)
(Ohio.com) Dumbass School bus takes wrong turn and ends up at porn shop...As expected the, "I was in there quite a long time because I was Googling directions" excuse has people all hot and bothered (43)
(MSNBC) Obvious FDA suggests people stop taking Hydroxycut, start eating less and moving their fat ass (275)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing It's time again for Friday photo fun from our pals at TSG. Name the famous criminal that used the pictured blanket Contest ends at 4pm Eastern (131)
(Canoe) Sappy Couple races into marriage, not realizing what a drag it will be (23)
(Brighton Evening Argus) Ironic Man with no ears has sight restored. WAIT WUT? (52)
(Metro) Amusing Polly wants you to bugger off (50)
(Gawker) Amusing Former state employee: "David Paterson fired me because I am white." Paterson: "I don't see race. Literally" (381)
(PennLive) Asinine Swine flu pandemic prompts Pennsylvania college to hold graduation ceremonies twice: Once for students who visited Mexico in the past year, and once for everyone else (72)
(Denver Post) Interesting Remains of legendary wanderer found in Utah 75 years after his disappearance (190)
(Some Nurse) Hero After performing CPR on a fallen coach and saving his life, nurse collapses and dies (106)
(CI Proud) Dumbass Duct tape can be used to fix almost everything, but that doesn't mean it should be used to fix the loud kids on your bus (71)
(WBBM) Cool Along with its new name, Sears Tower will be adding glass 'skydecks' that will let people walk over Chicago (w/ artist's rendering) (170)
(USA Today) PSA Saturday is "free comic book day" at 2000 comic stores across the U.S (217)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this splayed stretcher (45)
(Grand Junction Sentinel) Cool Colorado HS seniors pull the ultimate sneak, dissasemble a car, then weld it back together around the flagpole, without touching the pole itself. No damage, no crime. Chief Wiggums starts questioning the kids in pre-law (244)
(Daily Mail) Sappy ... so here's some pictures of showjumping rabbits (120)
(Telegraph) Stupid Because there's nothing else going on in the world at the moment, here's some hard hitting reporting about how Prince Harry hasn't washed his hair for two years (85)
(Some Guy) Misc Michael Shreffler from Redding, CA is the third fastest tire changer in the US. In other news, there is a competition for tire changing (64)
(WBRZ) Asinine Veteran cop smashes truck into trees and flips into yard of homeowner, spilling "full and empty beer bottles" everywhere, proceeds to convince young responding officer into not giving him a ticket or a breathalyzer. The Aristocrats (66)
(News.com.au) Asinine Man gets 24 days in jail and a lifetime ban from the United Arab Emirates for giving the finger to another driver. "I just wanted to get home and there was a clown in front of me" (102)
(New Scientist) Interesting NASA scraps plans to crash on Moon, plans instead to crash on Mars (145)
(The Sun) Unlikely British forces' stay in Iraq declared officially over as of 12.15pm yesterday. As they say over there: Mission Accoumplished (90)
(Some Guy) Fail Come for the story of bungled condom theft, stay for the epic doofus perp photo (70)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man sleeping with gun suffers from premature discharge (68)
(Daily Mail) PSA Scientists confirm that 14 species of parrot and one species of elephant can dance. Dogs, cats, and chimpanzees appear to have no sense of rhythm. Still no cure for H1N1 (88)
(Some McLovin) Cool Police see reduction in illegal street racing with "Beat the Heat" program where police officers race anyone over the age of 18 for $25 (240)
(Daily Mail) Cool Since it already has bar flies, lounge lizards, and cougars, Texas nightclub decides to add sharks under the dance floor (109)

Thu April 30, 2009
(Huffington Post) Followup It's official: add 'Appoint Supreme Court Judge' to Obama's tasks (655)
(Flickr) Photoshop Photoshop this self-proclaimed chef (48)
(The Morning Call) PSA If you're going to take a bet to walk down the street naked be sure your winnings cover the fine you'll pay when caught (23)
(TBO) Florida Howard Franklin Bridge shut down during rush hour due to suspicious package. Fark: Device planted by Department of Transportation (45)
(BBC) Obvious Officials announce that negative test results confirm there is no swine flu in Africa. Just AIDS. Lots and lots of AIDS (91)
(Middletown Journal) Asinine Third grader expelled from school for possessing list of students, teachers he wanted to kill. "We never believed for a second that people were truly in danger. But this sort of thing in this day and age, you just can't do that." (106)
(Reuters) Dumbass WHO changes name of 'swine flu' so you won't get fooled again and to make sure the kids are alright (158)
(CNN) Sad The more often Americans go to church, the more likely they are to support torture, with white evangelical Protestants most likely to condone it. Jesus facepalms, glares disapprovingly through the little hole  T-Shirt (649)
(Mercury News) Unlikely Oakland's Cinco De Mayo celebration canceled because of financial reasons, not because it would be a large group of Mexicans coming together and possibly spreading Swine Flu. Seriously, it was the finances (60)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida After finding her boyfriend drunk in parking lot, woman slams into his truck several times because she was afraid he would drive drunk. Bonus: she had her two children in the car with her (47)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Police searching for lobster bandit, hope to crack case, butter not optimistic (59)
(CNN) Interesting In 1918, Gunnison, Colorado residents barricaded themselves inside the town and were very successful in avoiding pandemic flu. GUNS AND AMMO (88)
(Slate) Stupid Adolf Hitler's family won't see any money from the sale of his paintings, since their past efforts raised a little furor  T-Shirt (146)
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing All heroin dealers should wear such nice grandmotherly blouses (92)
(Hartford Courant) Asinine Now that crime, the economy, and the swine flu have all been taken care of, Connecticut lawmakers make it illegal for kids to use machine guns (138)
(Fox News) Asinine In an apparent bid to appease the swine-flu, the Department of Homeland Security is forbidding federal officials from wearing masks to protect against contracting the flu (93)
(Seattle Times) Dumbass There are better ways to stop your husband from gambling than by calling up the casino he's headed to and informing them he has a fertilizer bomb and he's going to blow the place up (24)
(Some Guy) Obvious If you're a school bus driver, you should not let a strange man onto the bus so he can smack a kid who gave him the finger. "Remember my name now: It's Josh Beaver" (129)
(London Times) Scary Twelve killed at Azerbaijan State Oil Academy by gunman, nuclear scientist Denise Richards sent to the scene (68)
(10news) Asinine Cranky neighbours file court papers against 4-year-old, wanting to restrict him to his home and driveway for fear he "might come out with a firearm at anytime" (193)
(Gizmodo) Stupid Oh God, It's a Whole Chicken in a Can (302)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this free fall (51)
(Major League Baseball) Hero REMINDER: Minnesota Farkers to rickroll Metrodome, Minneapolis THIS SATURDAY. DIT (87)
(Drew) FarkBlog Why Swine Flu Isn't Going to Kill Us All, Part II (486)
(News.com.au) Strange In a bid to develop a better awareness and understanding of disabled people, primary school encourages students to go full retard with prizes for best dressed (99)
(The Smoking Gun) Dumbass Protip: When trying to avoid jury duty, don't tell a judge about your dog's wrinkly balls (194)
(Globe and Mail) Obvious If you mock hipsters, you're a hipster (478)
(Metro) Obvious "The X-rays confirmed there was a foreign body but it was a big surprise to discover a plastic egg shell with Homer Simpson inside. We see many objects that have been swallowed but this has to be one of the most unusual" (pic) (77)
(Globe and Mail) Hero Asian high school student fights back against a racist bully, gets suspended and could be expelled. This inspires 400 other students to protest his suspension and stand-up against racism (851)
(AFP) Stupid BMI airlines computer glitch wipes Israel off map and shows all Israel bound flights heading to Mecca. Surprisingly, some people have a problem with this (147)
(TC Palm) Florida If you're going to the courthouse, where you'll have to empty your pockets, might be a good idea to leave the marijuana pipe at home -- just sayin' (100)
(The Local (Sweden)) Dumbass Swedish woman spends $57,000 to find out she hasn't won the lottery. With very illustrative picture (222)
(CNN) Obvious See a bad driver? Instead of flipping him off, Twitter about it immediately and become a bad driver yourself (94)
(New York Daily News) Interesting Researchers say eating fatty foods may boost your memory. So you are better able to remember a distant time when you were skinny (98)
(Statesman Journal) Scary Bird knocks out power to West Salem after committing a minor terrorist act with a fish (53)
(Bangor Daily News) Dumbass Hello mudder, go no farther. Stay off the roads, 'til they get harder. There's no use in, your complaining. You can hit them again once it stops raining (97)
(Telegraph) Stupid British nurse told that she's too fat to move to New Zealand, possibly because they're worried about the Island tipping over (257)
(MosNews) Weird Russian police are looking for the brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood. Article has helpful picture of what a boy banging his sister might act like(possible NSFW pic) (138)
(Some Guy) Obvious Las Vegas sex clubs are illegal, but officials look the other way because of the money they generate; "People want to come here to see 'what happens in Vegas' and if nothing happens, nobody's coming" (115)
(London Times) Strange They bring a knife, you bring a gun. You bring a gun, they bring a....donkey? (52)
(AP) Fail Police question Octomom after son shows up at school with a black eye & bite marks. That'll teach him to stop bad-mouthing Angelina (202)
(Some Guy) Strange Queens Day in Holland interrupted by a car plowing through the crowds trying to ram the Queens bus, hits 14+ people and a monument instead. How do you miss a bus? (90)
(Wordpress) Photoshop Photoshop these options (46)
(Some Guy) Florida Woman steps out of her apartment at The Aristocrats housing complex and confronts two kids ages 10 & 2, pulls down her skirt and starts touching herself while yelling vulgar things about her body parts (103)
(USA Today) Obvious Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit Tamiflu (190)
(UPI) Strange Bit by bit, woman steals pieces of gold from jewelry store where she works. Final take: 500 lbs (valued at $7,200,000) (93)
(BBC) Ironic 1800: Red squirrels almost extinct in Scottish Highlands. 1844: Red squirrels reintroduced and protected. 1903: Red squirrels hunted as pests. 1946: Red squirrels almost extinct. 2009: Red squirrels protected (72)
(MSNBC) Obvious Building collapses in lower Manhattan. Searchers on scene looking for survivors, thermite (140)
(Telegraph) Amusing British couple arrested for having sex on the the Queen's lawn, while a group of Japanese tourists stood around filming them (64)
(Daily Mail) Amusing 'I'm not saying Susan Boyle caused swine flu. I'm just saying that nobody had swine flu, she sang on TV, people got swine flu.' (82)
(TBO) Florida Funeral director to appeal sanctions with simple defense: Who hasn't had state inspectors find embalmed corpse rotting for three months in their workshop? (22)
(Daily Mail) Stupid I read the news today, oh boy. One giant hole in Didsbury, Yorkshire (53)
(Local6) Florida 18-year-old jumps off casino ship on $15 dare, which won't even be enough to buy a new pair of jorts (47)
(Fox News) Strange Inmate can't change his name to "Sinner Lawrence Bilskirnir," risking the wrath of his High God Thor (31)
(Some Guy) Amusing You know it's a quiet news day when 'Exhaustion Blamed For Fish Death' is your newspaper's lead story (19)
(ABC News) Hero "Girl Beats Off Muggers with Marching Band Baton" And I thought band girls only liked to blow  T-Shirt (51)
(Daily Mail) Sappy Pensioner's hair clippings collected by local birds and used for nests: "I am going a bit thin on top but there's still some left to help the birds out." Nicolas Cage believes this argument is invalid (with pics) (36)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Annoying little know-it-all brat becomes the youngest member of Mensa at 2-year-old, with an estimated IQ of 156. Submitter had to google "Mensa" to know what it means (300)
(News.com.au) Sad 89-year-old bedridden war veteran found with bloody ears, hands, face and neck after being "severely chewed" by swarming mice (91)
(News.com.au) Hero Man carries girl with her intestines hanging out for four days from jungles of PNG, down crocodile-infested rivers, across the sea to safety (166)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this old lady giving a thumb's up (31)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 208: Farkstronomy. Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (138)

Wed April 29, 2009
(Fox News) Interesting Woman with poor sense of urgency claims father was the Zodiac Killer (119)
(Metro) Obvious Barbie turns 50, and some people are not amused that Mattel has released a model that comes with the same sort of tired tattoos that over-the-hill women get in failing attempt to prove they're still interesting and sexy (93)
(DFW Star-Telegram) Interesting Fort Worth, Texas Independent School District shuts down all schools until at least May 8th due to Swine Flu concerns (205)
(Talking Points Memo) Unlikely Senator Inhofe (alternate R-eality): Specter switch is "First Visible Evidence" of GOP comeback (581)
(AP) Sad Car Flu kills at least 41 in Baghdad  T-Shirt (139)
(Some Guy) Asinine This fine residents of 1960s Washington, DC apparently installed a civil defense warning system with a deafening siren and forgot about it. Current residents found out about it today at 5:30am, the hard way. Bonus: no one knew how to turn it off (131)
(Some Guy) PSA Tip: don't put the ZIP code into the "amount" field when making a $100 donation. And don't expect the charity to return your money, either (116)
(Denver Channel) Dumbass After flying around the world with TB, Dickwad decides suing the CDC is appropriate (150)
(WWSB ABC 7) Florida In this day and age, it's sad to see that white sand activists are still protesting the integration of brown sand on their beaches (62)
(WKSR) Interesting Truckload of bananas spills on interstate. That's bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S (109)
(The Sun) Weird ♫He likes two butts and he cannot lie, ♫ You other farmers can't deny ♫ That when a hen walks in and lays two eggs with some round things in your face ♫ (69)
(Yahoo) Interesting McCurry's wins suit against McDonald's. McDowell's unavailable for comment at this time (82)
(MSNBC) NewsFlash WHO raises alert level to 5. One more level until we unlock the bonus round (648)
(SFGate) Cool Kenyan women vow to go on a sex strike to keep the men from fighting. "We have seen that sex is the answer" (243)
(Reuters) Interesting NH Senate passes bill legalizing same sex marriage, banning bromance (669)
(FARK) Photoshop Photoshop theme: If history was written by the losers (61)
(Reuters) Scary Swine flu reaches Maine; state is thrilled to be relevant for thirty seconds and then returns to chasing moose (85)
(SFGate) Spiffy Job opening requires new employee to drink wine, learn and talk about wine, eat good food, live rent free in Northern California, and play the occasional game of poker with a laid-back staff. Pays $10,000 a month. Cheers (43)
(The Local (Sweden)) Strange Swedish court rules that the Church of Orgasm is offensive. Oh God (98)
(Cleveland) Asinine Fark.com would like to welcome the chief of police arrested for indecent exposure while having gay sex in a parking lot. Apparently it was his wife's fault because she has the cancer (215)
(Canada.com) Weird Canada, embarrassed that its only contributions to cuisine are poutine and some weird kind of bacon, has proudly unveiled its latest culinary gift to the world: Ketchup Cake (with surprisingly tasty-looking pic) (172)
(Guardian.com) Interesting Not news: Russian hijackers steal SUV in St Petersburg. Fark: For the rare $130k leopard in the back (45)
(Some Flay) Interesting Bobby Flay and Food Network list the best burgers in the 50 states. Reasons why your local burger is better found to the right (790)
(Brownsville Herald) Followup The first U.S. Swine Flu death brought to you by...Oh, he was an illegal Mexican? Nevermind (287)
(Fox News) Fail Worst.Pirates.Ever (311)
(UPI) Dumbass Drug mule takes three weeks to pass 76 bags of cocaine worth $100,000. Suspect claims he's getting a bum rap; "We didn't need any more evidence - he was pooping dope, so we were good to go" (63)
(TC Palm) Florida Man arrested after drinking blackberry wine while driving around grocery store in electric cart: "What are you going to do? Call the cops?" (36)
(KXII) Scary Man tries to kill grandmother because he's "tired of waiting for her to die naturally." Includes mugshot goodness (130)
(Des Moines Register) Strange It's always a bit unnerving when you're naked at a tanning salon and notice a bald man peering over a wall, staring at you from a corner (76)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida Autistic kid, 13, does impossible: Finds parking space, gets on flight with no cash, no id (276)
(Some Guy) Amusing "There's definitely a tie between the rise in text messaging and the rise in questionable license plate requests coming in with creative use of letters" (with a handy list of what not to ask for) (147)
(SMH) Fail WHO: Oops, did we say 152 swine flu deaths so far? Sorry, we meant 7 (225)
(CNN) Stupid North Korea threatens more nuclear and missile tests unless the UN apologizes for criticizing its recent missile test. What, is the entire country run by 12-year-old girls? (112)
(Local6) Dumbass FEMA decides including a cartoon image of the 9/11 WTC attack in their coloring book for kids not such a great idea after all (131)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Residents of Pantyffynon have their Pantyffynons in a knot after crime wave by "Wolfman" who lives in hole in the ground and survives on diet of rabbits and berrier (63)
(Daily Mail) Asinine How to save on gas: Family of eight "cheerfully pile on to one motorcycle" to commute everyday (with is that a baby hanging in the back? pics) (142)
(JSOnline) Dumbass Radio Shack now offering free punches (*with qualifying two year Sprint agreement) (120)
(NBC30) Obvious Rest safe people of Connecticut...81 dangerous sex offenders are equipped with GPS monitoring bracelets. Just kidding...they barely work, and when they do, it takes an average of 15 to 20 minutes for police to respond to any GPS alert (91)
(Houston Chronicle) Followup Former teacher of the year cleared of drug charges after two Xanax pills found in her car after DA admits zero tolerance policy is kinda draconian. Just kidding - she had to pass a urinalysis, a polygraph and a hair analysis test first (283)
(Valley Post) Hero Dog saves family from deadly flue outbreak (65)
(Newsday) Dumbass Australia to send 450 more troops to Afghanistan, apparently to teach the locals how to play football without a helmet (80)
(Some Guy) Sappy 17-year old was in Children's Hospital because they thought she had cancer. She didn't, but being there inspired her to raise over $10,000 for families of children with cancer (109)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If a tree falls in the woods and doesn't make a sound you might want to sue your father-in-law (55)
(CBS Boston) Stupid Today's non-swine flu related media fearmongering story: "Glass furniture could kill your children" (95)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this pumped up palm (41)
(Some Guy) Asinine Health officials don't think 'swine flu' is a good name for the current pandemic are are looking for a different name. How about the name 'General Motors'? It should be available soon (213)
(New Zealand Herald) Obvious Two airline passengers with "swine flu" are in fact severely infected with intoxication (42)
(CBC) NewsFlash The US death toll from the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has now matched the US death toll from the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak. EVERYBODY H1N1C (396)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida If there is an open warrant for your arrest, asking a cop for a ride may not be the smartest thing you can do (29)
(Dallas News) Obvious The church loves everybody... Unless you have the swine flu, then you should stay your ass at home (110)
(BBC) Spiffy Construction workers working near the former Auschwitz-Birkenau death camp uncover message in a bottle containing inmate names, numbers, and home towns. The BBC located one inmate who is still alive today (110)
(Lancashire Evening Post) Dumbass Dopey cannabis growers get busted by their own smoke alarm (32)
(TC Palm) Florida Scores of Florida residents attend a community forum about the proper ways to deal with wild iguanas. "Whack them in the head, stun them and then decapitate them. Whack them in the head more than once and it's animal cruelty." (73)
(CNN) Interesting Swine flu death toll: 150. Regular flu death toll: 13,000. But don't let that stop the fearmongering panic (226)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Government cuts speed limit in half and hides speed camera behind sign to catch drivers who don't brake hard enough coming down steep hill (87)
(SMH) Amusing Today's Fark-ready headline: Hooker named Indoor Athlete of the Year (47)
(Abc.net.au) Strange To avoid any surprises by visitors, the Dutch have posted signs in an Amsterdam park pointing out where gay men are having sex (122)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this strangely styled stairway stance (55)
(WWSB ABC 7) Florida Man who may or may not be Sam Kinison robs a bank, apparently to support a cheeseburger habit (47)
(Daily Mail) Sad Ten-year-old girls are obsessed with weight and fashion and their parents are too wimpy to act like parents. With pictures that will make you feel like you should have a seat over there (420)

Tue April 28, 2009
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Flirting with other women in front of your wife? That's worth about two bites (67)
(AJC) Interesting City decides they cannot afford Christmas lights this year. The War on Christmas ™ gets earlier and earlier every year (61)
(Boston Herald) Scary Rats "big enough to put saddles on" are running amok in Boston, terrifying residents who blame Harvard for unleashing the vermins: "It was a foot long. I freaked out" (206)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Toyota dealership in Florida now offering low financing and a free alligator when you purchase a new vehicle (46)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Strange Fat, drunk, and leading police on a 57 mile chase in a garbage truck is no way to go through life, son (34)
(Some Guy) Obvious Balding men "need more emotional support", beer (115)
(UPI) Dumbass Mother is OUTRAGED that her snowflake was suspended for making slingshots out of pencils and rubber bands. "(He) came home and cried for three hours on the couch because he was suspended. That was torment enough for him" (269)
(Some Guy) Strange Woman says intense heat radiating off her neighbor's window is melting her home. "It's like a 100-degree laser beam" (157)
(MSNBC) Dumbass 'Many hundreds' of kids may have swine flu, says New York City Health Commissioner. He also went on to yell "Fire" during this afternoon's matinee of Spam-a-lot (181)
(UPI) Stupid Judge denies sub shop liquor license because he doesn't like the drug names they give to sandwiches on the menu, or their motto "The only thing fried is the occasional customer" (69)
(NYPost) Interesting It's all fun and games at the convenience store until a clerk cracks a joke about a customer's mom. "How would you like it if I said something about your mother?" (58)
(News Times) Amusing WWJD? Probably not sunbathe naked on a public beach (52)
(Daily Mail) Followup Swine flu "patient zero" now has a face. Awwwwww (182)
(Some Guy) Sad If you've always wanted an authentic Chicago Bulls' championship ring from the early '90s and are willing to pay in cash, Randy Brown would like a word with you (36)
(Funny Or Die) Silly Breast milk: "Its the most amazing food in the world. I wish they'd make cheese out of it." (96)
(Daily Mail) Photoshop Photoshop this yoga granny (49)
(AP) Dumbass Arkansas man arrested on suspicion of impairing the operation of a vital public facility and for criminal mischief, or "shootin' that water reservoir thing-a-ma-jig wit' ma .308" (103)
(The New York Times) Interesting How many people does it take to change every light bulb in Grand Central Terminal? Six, it turns out. And it's a full-time job (88)
(BBC) Dumbass BBC chooses "sexting, brokeback, Mobama and microblogging" as examples of words kids should know if they're not victims of "word poverty." Oh the, like, humanity (109)
(KNBC 4 Los Angeles) Stupid ♬ I am the very model of a modern octo-major general ♬ (138)
(Telegraph) Amusing Worst. Tattoos. Ever (721)
(Yahoo) Interesting Fewer Americans are adopting Chinese children, mainly because they'll just want to adopt again 30 minutes later  T-Shirt (167)
(UPI) Interesting Yankee Ho-Tep (49)
(Nola.com) Sad Solar powered car tour comes to New Orleans. Support van broken into one hour after arrival. Inventor now looking into solar powered security system (276)
(Local10) PSA If you own beachfront property in Florida, please turn your lights off at night so the sea turtles can fark (75)
(Reuters) Asinine The Supreme Court is tired of those monkey fighting expletives on Monday to Friday television (238)
(Post Star) Dumbass Female basketball coach busted for showing teenage boy how to take it to the hole (145)
(AP) Spiffy Tennessee hotel wins "Best Bathroom in America " award and are, understandably, flush with pride (75)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Man with broom asks woman if she's ready to die. Police eventually get a handle on him and whisk him away, but not until after he kicks a deputy in the balls (42)
(WBBM) Dumbass Attack with a barbeque fork leads to arrest, according to reliable sauces (31)
(Daily Mail) Strange The flowers were beautiful, the bride was radiant in white, but to be perfectly honest the best man was a bit of a bear (65)
(Mirror.co.uk) Asinine Idiot American travel writers steer U.S. tourists to one of Britain's most dangerous neighborhoods after praising its "edgy charm", which is like gushing about Detroit's "post-industrial ambiance" (158)
(ABC News) Unlikely Baby Boomers complain that they are being hit hardest by the economic crisis. Some are being forced to actually have a job, while others face the agonizing decision to sell their second homes just to get by (418)
(Daily Mail) Stupid Try to take a package from the delivery man before he is ready to give it to you? Yup, that's a lawsuit (44)
(TampaBays10.com) Florida Upset with attempts by republican senators to get a Jesus license plate, black Florida Senator comes up with his own "Can a Brotha Get a Break" plate (118)
(Boston Channel) Asinine Boston's finest once again demonstrate that they have absolutely no idea what a bomb might actually look like (119)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this A-10 gun loading machine (32)
(WLWT) Strange Man dresses up in superhero costume, joins nationwide legion of crime fighters. Mothers' basements proclaimed crime-free (73)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Spiffy Mr. T pities the fool who didn't select him for jury duty (100)
(BBC) Interesting Buddhist preacher issues etiquette guide for gay monks. What is the sound of one hand reaching around?  T-Shirt (76)
(NBC Washington) Asinine Since that Air Force One photo op thing went so well in New York City yesterday, the White House is thinking of doing the same thing in Washington D.C. next week (293)
(Some Guy) Misc IRS: "You're being audited, and just for fun here's a fake phone number if you try to call us" (46)
(WBBM) Weird Police arrest a man, who they thought was a woman, for stealing 22 bottles of perfume. Then it gets stinkier (19)
(Daily Mail) Scary Mother proud to be feeding her kids McDonalds at 6 months of age. Eye bleach required as expected before reading article (838)
(The Tennessean) Spiffy Tennessee to charge state employees who smoke $600 extra for health insurance. Fried chicken, biscuits and gravy still free (185)
(Some Con) Scary Like you needed any more excuses to NEVER take the bus: Bureau of Prisons allows Federal convicts to travel unescorted from prison to prison on Greyhound and other carriers (78)
(Brown Daily Herald) Dumbass Man attempts to gently tuck his car into a parking space in front of police substation, inadvertently re-creates scene from The Terminator (37)
(The Local (Sweden)) Scary "But the robot suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim's head." This is not a repeat from 2029 (154)
(Google) Followup Disease arrives in Middle East. Disease spotted in Asia. EVERYBODY PANIC (284)
(Reuters) Dumbass Next up, on You're Doing It Wrong: Man cuts off finger to protest overdue wages ... and then eats it (55)
(Wall Street Journal) Followup A junior mayoral aide who had been alerted to the military flyover was reprimanded for not apprising the mayor, and a disciplinary letter was placed in his file for causing NYC to PANIC yesterday. Well, now all is good (148)
(Metro) Dumbass Please note that "posting a facebook photo of you fondling another woman's boobs" doesn't feature on most wedding planning arrangements (mildly Not safe for work pic) (287)
(Telegraph) Amusing Lawyer falls down manhole during crime scene visit. He feels a little drained, but expects to soon be flush with success  T-Shirt (28)
(The Scotsman) Interesting All aboard the nostalgia train: Here's a list of the 35 best children's books (as named by British children's book authors) (181)
(The Ledger) Florida Cop resigns after his wife and mother-in-law take his patrol car for a joyride. There was much blondness (50)
(TBO) Florida Neighbor vs neighbor Florida style (62)
(Seattle Times) Dumbass IRS files charges against vomit-inducing stinky criminal. Odor in the court  T-Shirt (23)
(Buffalo News) Strange Lady breaks into home while a man and woman and another man were having sex, steals two cell phones and $1,200. That's not how it happens on Cinemax (26)
(MSNBC) Interesting I find your lack of faith distur.... wait, that's normal? (743)
(Stars and Stripes) Cool Marines are assisting young men safely through rite of passage commonly known as circumcision. Because, if it's one thing Marines know, is being the tip of the sword  T-Shirt (103)
(ABC News) Followup "Deluded Hot-Chick Syndrome" can now be traced to 'Craigslist Killer' fiance Megan McAllister. "He's still hot to ME, dammit" (164)
(Some Guy) Stupid Before building in Iceland you have to hire an expert to ensure you don't disturb the elf-like 'little people' who live under the ice (42)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this Gateway trio (28)
(Some Guy) Interesting Surgical masks won't protect you against swine flu, help you keep your dignity (107)
(BBC) Silly Literary cat is literary (81)
(AP) Followup It was just a matter of time until the first Maersk Alabama sailor sued. That time is now (193)
(Daily Mail) Weird Don't you hate going for a brain operation and waking up drunk and singing in a thick Irish accent? (56)
(PennLive) Asinine Schools closing early because of the heat? In Pennsylvania in April? It's more asinine than you think (102)
(Detroit News) Hero "Waterford Township Winds Blow Chihuahua Away." I say we hoist a cold one to the Waterford Township Winds  T-Shirt (67)
(Some Guy) Florida When finally stopped by police after a chase with a 0.134 BAC, you may not want to tell deputies it was the most fun you'd had in two years (34)
(TC Palm) Florida 19-year old mom teaches her 3-year old son the fine art of shoplifting underwear (76)

Mon April 27, 2009
(WFLX) Florida "Forgive me Father, for I am about to sin." Woman gets all stabby on priest in confessional (75)
(Telegraph) Weird King Arthur evicted from Stonehenge. This is not a repeat from 518 AD (119)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this morning Woodward (52)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Today's "pilot showing up for work drunk" story comes to us from Air Canada via London, with stops at local jail and Fark.com (51)
(Telegraph) Interesting WWII-era Vatican documents reveal that Pope Pius XII had contingency plan to move the Vatican to neutral Portugal and automatically abdicate as Pope should he be captured by the Nazis. Joint Catholic Church/Nazism flamewar to the right (142)
(Herald Tribune) Florida Man shot in the chest while carrying a confederate flag down main street. This is not a repeat from 1862 (387)
(NYPost) Asinine Restaurants are trying to make ends meet in these tough times by charging customers for things like bread, butter, and filtered tap water. "The money funds the filtration" (190)
(Toronto Star) Strange Survivorman? Pffft. Meet Survivorbaby (70)
(Fox News) Obvious Pakistani president at international press conference: bin Laden is probably dead. But maybe not, We have no idea. On second thought, I probably could have told you that over the phone (90)
(Newsday) Fail MTA officials SHOCKED that a 23% fare hike would lead to a decrease in riders, may have to raise fares again to fix problem (110)
(CBS 4 Denver) Scary Surgeon removes "mass" from woman's foot and toothpick that had been there for 12 years "literally just slid out." (155)
(Reuters) Scary The WHO raises pandemic alert. Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh (398)
(Telegraph) Scary Man paints his face differently every day for a year. Warning: Can not be unseen (125)
(Politico) Interesting US to lead the way on fighting swine flu. But hold up a second until Obama appoints 20 top people in HHS, a Surgeon General, and the head of the CDC, and gets his FDA appointee confirmed (168)
(Fox News) Asinine Failing kids, and giving them zeros for not doing homework are out, because you know that in the real world, there are no consequences (378)
(Bloomberg) Cool Wonderful, magical animal products now cheaper thanks to Swine Flu. Mmmmm, silver lining (100)
(Reuters) Obvious U.S. set to issue travel warning to Mexico. Message: It's Mexico (207)
(CBS Baltimore) Fail Your state has no cases of the swine flu, what do you do? Open a command center (153)
(CNN) Strange For no reason in particular, Verizon COO calls press conference to announce that they are not in imminent danger of filing for bankruptcy, everything is fine, and there's nothing to see here (94)
(Some Guy) Obvious In today's episode of well duh: Social media twits are spreading misinformation on swine flu (89)
(WBNS) Amusing Local TV news 'crime of the week' segment pays off bigtime as stolen puppy is rescued. And now, dancing pandas (16)
(CNN) Unlikely UAW agrees to 'painful' concessions to save Chrysler. No word if this includes giving up the golf courses for the union heads, or only the carts (293)
(Kitsap Sun) Obvious Kitsap Sun discovers hilarious online cat videos. 'You hear a voice on the video ask, "Have you ever seen a cat do this?" I want to tell the woman there are dozens of videos like that on YouTube' (51)
(1010WINS) Stupid NY MTA cancels special train to Belmont Racetrack. If only there were another means of transportation to see the horses run around in a circle (55)
(Drew) FarkBlog Why we're not all going to die from Mexican Flu, by Drew Curtis age 7. Bonus: Headlines of the Week 4/19 to 4/25 (170)
(Washington Times) Asinine Bush administration: Hey, let's get rid of all these difficult rules that hamstring corporations. Obama administration: Hey, let's get rid of all these difficult rules that hamstring unions. American public: Facepalm (481)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida Fisherman arrested for biggest snapper he ever caught. Snapper season opens in June (65)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Unlikely City employees in Chicago aren't getting paid for their overtime. Instead, they're putting it into an "overtime bank" and waiting for a payout. Currently, over $2 million is owed to the employees. This will in no way backfire (44)
(Wired) Fail 1976: Fears of swine-flu epidemic cause the government to order a nationwide vaccination program at a cost of $500 million. Number of people killed by swine-flu: 1. Number of people killed by vaccination shot: 30+ (106)
(WBBM) Asinine Man shot ten times, four of them in the ass. Survives, says he will play the lottery (48)
(Time) Hero Time Magazine announces the world's most influential person, beating Barack and Oprah in their online poll: "It's worth noting that everyone Moot beat out actually has a job" (287)
(CNN) NewsFlash No, it wasn't the crippling abject poverty, the control of drug cartels or food that leaves your system an hour later, it's the swine flu and now a mild earthquake that proves God hates Mexico (177)
(UPI) Amusing University prof quits over a flap over a student's painting of a masturbating gerbil. The conflict was apparently more about style than content: "Horrible use of yellow. And the foot looks like it is coming out of the stomach." (135)
(Telegraph) Interesting Erosion closes Britain's oldest nudist beach. Well, if people will keep rubbing it, what do they expect? (27)
(ABC News) PSA This just in: The Rev. Jesse Jackson is still an Attention Whore (106)
(FARK) Photoshop Theme: Unlikely Street Gangs (48)
(Jalopnik) Cool The Ten Greatest Pontiacs of All Time - because the Ten Worst would be far too easy (239)
(Some Guy) Silly Church giving series of sermons entitled 'Great Sex for You' may need to find new home. Ceiling Jesus is watching you fark (38)
(My Fox DC) Amusing The best rendition of former Deputy Assistant Attorney General John Yoo's "Torture Memos: Waterboarding" set to music you'll hear all day (39)
(WOWT) Fail If you're going to advertise "The Ultimate House Party" on Facebook, don't put in the caveat "Don't worry about the cops, because I have a police scanner so I will have the heads-up if they come." (99)
(Google) Silly Israel prepares for pandemic: "We will use the term Mexican flu in order not to have to pronounce the word swine," said Deputy Health Minister (365)
(Weekly World News) Amusing The swine flu is creating Werepigs. Madmartigan is not amused (62)
(USA Today) Spiffy Shortly after 8:30 a.n. Central Time, the state of Iowa issued the first marriage license to a same-sex couple, giving them an opportunity to share in the marital hell opposite-sex couples take for granted (601)
(Some Car Guy) Obvious Pontiac, which "built excitement" by slapping tacky bodywork on Chevys and introducing America to the visual horror that was the Aztek, is going away. Finally (258)
(Some Guy) Strange Kazakhstan's government builds first UFO base and alien embassy. Initial reports indicate iz nyiiiice (66)
(Washington Post) Interesting Former head of the FDA goes dumpster-diving at Chili's in order to see how much fat, sugar and salt they use to addict us to their crappy food. Verdict? A lot (112)
(CBC) Scary Welcome to Tim Horton's... would you like to try some Hepatitis A with your double-double? (32)
(CBS New York) Stupid Military aircraft seen flying low over the Statue of Liberty and parts of lower Manhattan cause residents and workers to evacuate their buildings, pants (167)
(Homestar Runner) Amusing "For every dollar you give to Pistols For Pandas, we laugh at, cuz, like, what good's a dollar gonna do?" (80)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Danish girls are developing breasts earlier than ever before, says the soon-to-be-imprisoned director of the Department of Growth and Reproduction (301)
(MSNBC) Followup EU Health Minister: Don't travel to Mexico, US, strain from Spain easily shared on the plane (341)
(Some Guy) Strange "There's no reason to stop interacting online simply because you're dead." Wait, what? (89)
(Telegraph) Dumbass Man sets fire to his house in an attempt to get rid of a spider. It's the only way to be sure (207)
(Some Ashevillian) Dumbass If you're doing to go before the DA on a possession charge, don't do it stoned (76)
(Some Guy) Florida Man finishes jail sentence, steps out and takes a breath of air as a free man, and then is promptly run over by a police cruiser (98)
(Some Guy) Strange Russian man survives after drinking eight bottles of vodka in one night. Man doesn't remember where he was or what happened, but investigators are confident that the man is married (59)
(Evening Express) Obvious If one guy at a darts match is going to accidentally plunge from the stands onto the concrete floor 20ft below, you can bet it's going to be the guy dressed as Superman (34)
(Telegraph) Strange The strangest picture of a horse with a curly blond moustache you'll see for at least a week (69)
(Wall Street Journal) Photoshop Photoshop this pool boy (24)
(Bloomberg) Sick Shuttered stores, half-built housing sites and rotting piles of uncollected garbage have turned London into a boomtown for rats (164)
(The Neshoba Democrat) Dumbass When robbing someone, don't leave behind a notebook with your name on the cover. It might look bad (19)
(Reuters) Misc Plagued by a weak backfield, Coach Benedict tries to plug holes by adding four Italians and the Portuguese warrior to the Saints offensive line (20)
(MSNBC) Florida Today's Fark-ready headline: "Sex-Doll Threesome Man Gets Off". Giggity (63)
(Some Guy) Followup Texans, get your chainsaws ready. Man-bird-pig zombie apocalypse has closed 14 Texan schools. Remember, go for the head (177)
(Jacksonville.com) Florida Nine people shot, one fatally, at block party remembering neighbors lost to violence. So...party next month (82)
(MSNBC) Amusing High on a hill hiked a naked trekker / Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo / Townspeople said "Cover up your pecker" / Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo  T-Shirt (58)
(WYFF 4) Amusing Two toddlers stand accused of ransacking neighbor's home, squirting H.I. in the crotch with water, writing 'FART' on the wall (87)
(Seattle Weekly) Scary Toyota Prius gaining reputation for accelerating uncontrollably without warning. Bonus: Then the braking subroutine shuts down (254)
(Salon) Scary Maybe the gun range isn't the best place to execute an arrest (200)

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