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Sun January 08, 2012
Source     Fark Headline Comments
(Toronto Star) Silly It's the 5th annual No Pants Day on Toronto's subway system. Just like New York every day. With bonus quizzical dog pic  (thestar.com) (72)
(C|Net) Scary French say there's absolutely no reason to worry about huge Airbus A380 planes having cracks in their wings, after only a few years of service. DE PANIQUE TOUT LE MONDE  (news.cnet.com) (148)
(Deadspin) Weird If you need some ideas for your bucket list, how about crossdressing and chaining yourself to a Walgreens while wearing a ballgag? Three different times?  (deadspin.com) (26)
(SFGate) Asinine We never say, "Your iPhone is stolen", and we never say, "This iPhone was reported stolen", we say, "Welcome to AT&TMobile"  (articles.sfgate.com) (99)
(WTSP) Florida Speeding tickets increase after DOT puts bags over speed limit signs  (wtsp.com) (113)
(Daily Mail) Strange 25-year-old woman is trapped in the body of a 12-year-old (w/pics)  (dailymail.co.uk) (156)
(Some Geezer) Spiffy Liquor license granted to retirement home. Sorry kids, you can't visit grandma today. She's still sleeping off all those gin rickeys from bingo night  (dailycamera.com) (40)
(ESPN) Hero Tim Tebow follows in the footsteps of The Father, The Son and The Holy Sh*t  (scores.espn.go.com) (812)
(Daily Mail) Scary "Hello, this is your captain speaking. Could someone please bring some oxygen bottles to the cockpit?"  (dailymail.co.uk) (33)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this Golden Eagle  (i.imgur.com) (24)
(Mirror.co.uk) Scary Australian woman manages "miracle escape" after cord snap during bungee jump over crocodile-infested waters. In other news, some people are stupid enough to bungee jump over crocodile-infested waters  (mirror.co.uk) (128)
(Daily Mail) Strange Couple renew their marriage vows after husband becomes a woman and wife becomes a - oh .. my .. god  (dailymail.co.uk) (138)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Nicest white ass in Missouri welcomes visitors at its gate, has a website, and even its own calendar  (kctv5.com) (48)
(Some Guy) Stupid In the United States, there are more raped women than smokers of both genders. In other news, there has been a significant increase of apple tree growth, but the shortage of oranges continues  (significancemagazine.org) (595)
(Canoe) Sad 22,000 chicks killed in fire. Beavis and Butt-head inconsolable  (cnews.canoe.ca) (31)
(C|Net) Amusing Microsoft receives approval for patent on "avoid ghetto" feature for use with GPS  (news.cnet.com) (285)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Make this old Victoria a little bit creepier  (i.imgur.com) (35)
(Yahoo) Sad President of Navajo code talkers dies. His final words were great, but nobody knows what they meant  (news.yahoo.com) (54)
(NYPost) Stupid Health official complains about a school program that gives free breakfasts to poor students because she says it makes them obese. Because nothing slims a kid down like starvation  (nypost.com) (144)
(USA Today) Obvious For 2012, New York City resolves to attract over 50 million tourists to exploit, complain about and look down upon  (usatoday.com) (143)
(USA Today) Dumbass Japanese defense minister on the chopping block for confusing "rape" with "sexual orgy," though to be fair, he is Japanese  (usatoday.com) (66)
(Detroit Free Press) Interesting Parents are breaking the age rule to sign their kids up to Facebook. What could possibly go wrong?  (freep.com) (171)
(Forbes) Stupid Insane medical prediction of the day: raising the speed limit makes you fat  (forbes.com) (54)
(NYPost) Interesting "My life as a live nude girl." Disappointingly safe for work  (nypost.com) (166)
(Boston.com) Cool National Geographic 2011 photography contest winners  (boston.com) (28)
(USA Today) Strange Southern rednecks rejoice as new law allows them to skin and eat roadkill. Wait... the law is from Illinois? Whoops, sorry about the stereotyping there, Jethro  (usatoday.com) (114)
(Discovery) Interesting Really smart man turns 70 today. Happy Birthday Stephen Hawking  (news.discovery.com) (98)
(11 Alive) Stupid Student gets four days of in-school suspension for reporting that he accidentally brought a knife to school  (11alive.com) (154)
(Telegram) Interesting Bill would allow Massachusetts restaurants to donate leftover food to hungry without being sued  (telegram.com) (95)
(Toronto Star) Interesting What you could buy for one penny in 1793 now costs $1 million. That's some serious inflation  (thestar.com) (73)
(Scientific American) Photoshop Photoshop these colossal engineering marvels  (scientificamerican.com) (14)
(Stuff.co.nz) Interesting Two Australians a day are arrested while travelling abroad. If only there was some godforsaken continent they could be transported to  (stuff.co.nz) (44)
(Huffington Post) Asinine Hey, Chik-fil-A. Imma let you finish, but Papa John's has the best Asian slur on a customer receipt of all time. OF ALL TIME  (huffingtonpost.com) (287)
(Huffington Post) Fail Symantec hacked, source code stolen, sleep tight everyone  (huffingtonpost.com) (165)
(Some Guy) Ironic "Ecnalubma"??  (winnipegfreepress.com) (42)
(Reuters) Sad Five severed heads found in northern Mexican city, officials say they have no body to connect to the crime  (reuters.com) (74)
(Canada.com) Hero Rescue group to save town's out-of-control feral bunny population, just in time for a happy Bunday  (canada.com) (86)
(Seattle Times) Interesting Australia's fondness of vegemite finally explained  (seattletimes.nwsource.com) (74)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Amazing black and white New York subway photos from the 1960s show how some things never change. Wait, where's the graffiti?  (dailymail.co.uk) (113)

Sat January 07, 2012
(Washington Post) Spiffy North Korean propaganda says that Kim Jong-Un learned to drive at age 3, could drive 75mph at age 8, and successfully defeated anorexia  (washingtonpost.com) (180)
(LA Times) Dumbass ♫ Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us, all we ask is that you let us pocket your change if you're mentally handicapped.... ♪  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (77)
(Anders Roenhaagen) Photoshop Photoshop these red hot tulips  (picture-photo.net) (34)
(CNN) Weird Condition of victim of John Wayne Gacy, murdered 35 years ago, recently upgraded to 'alive'  (news.blogs.cnn.com) (95)
(History Channel) Interesting Happy 600th birthday to Joan of Arc. Here are seven things you didn't know about her  (history.com) (133)
(LA Magazine) Strange Trying to find a parking space is driving people insane. Pulling in to a parallel space front first is stealing. It's how you park when you're pulling a bank job  (lamag.com) (64)
(TBO) Interesting 50 (not particularly useful) things we know now that we didn't know last year  (www2.tbo.com) (50)
(BBC) Hero If you're going to try and mug an 84 year-old ex-boxer, you'd better bring more than a commando knife, youngster  (bbc.co.uk) (35)
(The New York Times) Scary Yoga can fix spinal injuries, strokes, compressed nerves, ruptured tendons, cerebral damage, torn rotator cuffs, and degenerative hips. Wait, did I say "fix"? I meant "cause"  (nytimes.com) (88)
(Huffington Post) Cool Lesbian announces her intention to run for Miss California, which, of course, some people are upset about. Who cares? She's hot  (huffingtonpost.com) (224)
(Atlanta Journal Constitution) Obvious Parent upset by questions on her child's math test which included "If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in 1 week?"  (ajc.com) (121)
(Fark) Photoshop Photoshop Challenge: Photoshop your own product for Fark Shop  (shop.fark.com) (27)
(Some Guy) Spiffy 63 years ago, a broke student was handed an envelope with $200 in to finish school, and was told to pay it forward once he was able to. Now, he's giving back $1000000  (winnipegfreepress.com) (84)
(Mediaite) Amusing Actual headline: RuPaul Is 'Campaigning' In New Hampshire To Spread Awareness That He Is Not Ron Paul. "Any time a man leaves the house in a wig and a pair of cha cha heels, he's making a political statement." RUPAUL  (mediaite.com) (74)
(Miami Herald) Unlikely Fidel Castro begins writing column to prove he is alive. Submitter is Richard Nixon and I approve of this message  (miamiherald.com) (29)
(Daily Mail) Cool Six teenagers attempt new record for biggest domino spiral, longest-lasting virginity  (dailymail.co.uk) (17)
(CNN) Interesting CNN investigates whether God plays in active role in helping you hook up online  (religion.blogs.cnn.com) (63)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Tired of social boors yammering on their cellphones during lunch? Introduce them to the Phone Stack, and enjoy your free meal  (getkempt.com) (82)
(Orlando Sentinel) Asinine FAA grounds ten young whooping cranes and the bird-like plane they think is their mother teaching them to migrate because the pilot is being paid. No, really  (orlandosentinel.com) (95)
(Cracked) Scary Six terrifying modern-day ghost towns  (cracked.com) (73)
(Fox News) Followup In the wake of the US saving their sailors from pirates, Iran ups the rhetoric and threatens full-scale war, nuclear devastation, and....wait, they said thankyou? And Fox reported it? What is this i don't even  (foxnews.com) (95)
(NYPost) Stupid Recording the health department inspector while he checks your restaurant? You bet your ass that's a mandatory closing  (nypost.com) (98)
(Huffington Post) Obvious New book explains why men will never be monogamous. Yes ladies, your man too  (huffingtonpost.com) (242)
(YouTube) Cool 5 people, 1 guitar, tons of talent  (youtube.com) (90)
(Toledo Blade) Sad How would you feel if you turned 175 and nobody cared?  (toledoblade.com) (59)
(Examiner) Interesting The Atheist of the Year award is now called "The Hitchens Award". In other news, there is an "Atheist of the Year" award  (examiner.com) (332)
(Fox News) Interesting India gets its first supercar. But do they have a Supertrain? Or a Manimal?  (foxnews.com) (94)
(Brisbane Courier-Mail) Spiffy Former speed drinking world record holder Bob Hawke demonstrates how to win friends and influence people in Australia  (couriermail.com.au) (24)
(BBC) Interesting Hey tree huggers, isn't it time to become tree munchers? Bon appetitpineneedles  (bbc.co.uk) (37)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Greenacres woman accused of having sex with a 15-year-old, making hotscakes that are inedible  (sun-sentinel.com) (81)
(Toronto Sun) Obvious I spies, with my beady eyes, something that won't be in the yearbook  (torontosun.com) (155)
(Some Guy) Ironic The lack of snow is costing Americans tens of millions of dollars. Could someone figure out the exact right amount of snow so we can coordinate our prayers, please?  (weather.com) (159)
(Fark) Photoshop What would a Photoshop Contest of The Year be without a trophy to award to the winner? Create what an appropriately Fark-worthy trophy should look like  (fark.com) (20)
(News.com.au) Weird Christine rolls through car-park, across the road, down the driveway, under the roller door, and parks perfectly inside a garage. Ta-da  (news.com.au) (32)
(SeattlePI) Interesting Girl Scouts introduce new cookie that is healthier. Unless you inhale the whole box in one sitting. Again  (blog.seattlepi.com) (50)
(Some Bipedal Guy) Caturday Two-legged cat finds his forever home. Welcome home Deuce and happy Caturday  (blogs.catster.com) (951)
(PC Magazine) Spiffy Today the ghost of Charles Addams is 100. Google doodle? You bet  (pcmag.com) (119)
(Huffington Post) Interesting No matter which side you're on, your home life just became more difficult. And admissible in court  (huffingtonpost.com) (44)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Gold ring lost for decades returned after being found in underwater cave, described as 'precious'  (dailymail.co.uk) (37)
(Toronto Star) Amusing "We began to suspect something out of the ordinary when my wife answered a call one afternoon and was asked if she could 'do a half-hour'"  (thestar.com) (92)
(The Sun) Spiffy Britain's. Strongest. Schoolgirl.  (nla.thesun.co.uk) (127)
(KTVZ) Interesting Study finds high-fat foods cause brain scarring -- but that's cool, zombie chicks dig brain scars  (ktvz.com) (41)

Fri January 06, 2012
(The Smoking Gun) Amusing This week's mugshot roundup features fur, freaky tattoos and frowns  (thesmokinggun.com) (162)
(Washington Post) Strange To love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live -- at least until your brain injury. Then I'm going to marry this new guy, who's going to live with me, but take you to IHOP sometimes. Okay?  (washingtonpost.com) (90)
(SacBee) Sad ♫ Would you like to ride in my beautiful ballooOH SHIAT  (sacbee.com) (69)
(CNN) Interesting Seattle megachurch pastor sparks controversy over detailed sex book he wrote with his wife. Holy fark  (religion.blogs.cnn.com) (177)
(Quad City Times) Fail Today's poorly-written headline: "Eldridge man to serve 14 years making meth"  (qctimes.com) (38)
(Detroit Free Press) Strange Fark-ready headline: "Jogger gets run over by deer"  (freep.com) (70)
(Boston.com) Photoshop Photoshop this man and his carp  (inapcache.boston.com) (36)
(ABC) Asinine Driving with a cold is the same as driving after 4 double shots of whiskey  (abcnews.go.com) (117)
(Fark) FarkParty Woodbridge VA Fark Party - 7 Jan - Bungalow Alehouse - 6:30pm  (fark.com) (153)
(American Independent) Fail According to the president of the American Family Association, HIV does not cause AIDS. Nope, it's caused by too much gay sex  (americanindependent.com) (256)
(Chicago Tribune) Asinine Good News: You're a lottery winner. Bad News: You only won $1000. Fark: The check bounced  (chicagotribune.com) (34)
(Life.com) Strange What can you carry on your head? (Possibly NSFW in a National Geographic kind of way)  (life.com) (84)
(MSNBC) Sad The Obama administration broadens the definition of rape to include men. So, apparently, it wasn't legally possible to rape a man until now  (usnews.msnbc.msn.com) (186)
(Washington City Paper) Unlikely "In my mind -- hell, in my own life -- what's happening isn't just the delayed onset of adulthood. It's the refusal of adulthood entirely. It's not failure to thrive. It's an awareness that thriving kind of blows"  (washingtoncitypaper.com) (352)
(Some Guy) Weird Dissection animals, the God Jesus Robot, the Carp Person, and other weird toys from Japan  (incrediblethings.com) (21)
(USA Today) Florida The most vain city in the US is Miami, though it's followed closely by Chicago, whose residents dip their hats strategically below one eye and wear apricot scarfs  (travel.usatoday.com) (78)
(CapTimes) Amusing Fark-ready headline: Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop arrested  (host.madison.com) (85)
(New York Daily News) Dumbass Arbeit Macht Thin: Dubai gym uses photo of Nazi death camp Auschwitz to promote weight loss  (nydailynews.com) (74)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this waiting room  (3.bp.blogspot.com) (32)
(Fark) Survey It's Friday, so we're back on track with the Fark Weird News Quiz. You've never seen so many farkers scoring at once  (fark.com) (51)
(Seattle Times) Interesting My justice system is full of eels  (seattletimes.nwsource.com) (20)
(Some Guy) Obvious ABC wants to show us Dick for the next 10 years  (thedailyload.com) (89)
(LA Times) Dumbass Man discovers just how real the graphics on Microsoft Gun in a Bag Simulator 2012 can be  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (37)
(Telegraph) Unlikely Syrians aren't saying aliens have landed, but an alien has landed  (blogs.telegraph.co.uk) (40)
(The New York Times) Amusing There used to be just two Stephen Colberts, now there are more but no one really knows how many for sure  (nytimes.com) (40)
(CNN) Ironic Guess who rescued the crew of a hijacked Iranian fishing boat?  (cnn.com) (141)
(Reuters) Followup News: Joran Van der Sloot to "sincerely" confess to murder. Fark: No, not her  (reuters.com) (28)
(AP) Hero Welsh Corgi dog swept away in avalanche shows up at his motel room in Cooke City four days later, hungry. Ole  (hosted2.ap.org) (61)
(The Morning Call) Scary Two goats eat bullets, leaves  (mcall.com) (11)
(io9) Interesting Mysterious religious codex found to contain images of Satan, offering historical insight into the lives of thirteenth century monks who were stuck behind desks all day without access to Fark  (io9.com) (40)
(Gothamist) Scary Rodents of Unusual Size, I don't they exis...AHHHHHHH  (gothamist.com) (63)
(Hollyscoop) Amusing Vanity Fair: "What's your most prized possession?" Daniel Craig: "Apart from my penis and my health? My third nipple"  (hollyscoop.com) (69)
(Denver Post) Silly If the Steelers win on Sunday, the mayor of Denver has to wear a Terrible Towel. If the Broncos win, the mayor of Pittsburgh has to Tebow in public  (blogs.denverpost.com) (96)
(Economist) Amusing The Economist discovers what happens when you google 'Santorum'. Stiff upper ... lip, and all that  (economist.com) (101)
(Showbiz Spy) Obvious Bristol Palin hates her fame. That makes all of us  (showbizspy.com) (116)
(The Newspaper) PSA Federal judge says illegal tasering is worth $1 in damages. Here's a $20 in advance, I'm going out to have some fun  (thenewspaper.com) (134)
(Oregon Live) Interesting Awesome: You're pinned under a 3,200 pound car after a bike accident and firefighters use brute strength to lift it off of you. Sucks to be you: Cops then ticket you for unlawful lane change and improper use of lane  (oregonlive.com) (169)
(Yahoo) Followup After Texas school shooting where police killed a 15-year-old eighth grader, many questions loom--the first of which is, what is a 15 year old doing in eighth grade?  (news.yahoo.com) (192)
(Daily Mail) Florida What's worse than losing a penis? Losing two  (dailymail.co.uk) (48)
(Some Dippity Do Head) Followup 'Body language expert' with Dippity Do hairdo analyzes video - confirms that Casey Anthony is vain, lonely, immature, and trying to be sexy  (wtsp.com) (58)
(Some Grandmother) Amusing Fark-ready headline: "Grandmother set up by pot-pedaling smurf"  (wtsp.com) (17)
(Some Guy) Amusing Giant boot stolen from display. Police on the lookout for an old lady who has so many kids she doesn't know what to do  (lfpress.com) (26)
(Some Guy) Cool Gamers in the process of a 3 day Sonic the Hedgehog marathon for charity. Check them out and throw some cash towards a good cause  (gamingchronicles.com) (93)
(northwestohio) Cool Ugly ass tiger cubs greet visitors for the first time at the Toledo Zoo. (w/ video) Ugly assfecta in play  (northwestohio.com) (19)
(AlanCross.ca) Interesting How did the special audience lyrics in Billy Idol's "Mony Mony" originate? Seriously, people, this is an important anthropological question that needs an answer  (alancross.ca) (166)
(Fark) Interesting Ladies, when you were pregnant...what retarded drivel/advice not based on actual science or reality did you hear from friends, family, coworkers or random strangers? Anything from guessing the sex of the baby to your personal diet to birthing  (fark.com) (410)
(Fark) FarkParty Impromptu Twin Cities Fark Party. Because YOU asked for it. Jan 6, TONIGHT at Psycho Suzi's  (fark.com) (180)
(Daily Mail) Scary People close to her said she sounded like she was going to cough up a lung. And then she did  (dailymail.co.uk) (47)
(Fark) Survey Coworker just said, "I have no desire to live 100 years." Why wouldn't you? Would you want to live 200 more years if you could?  (fark.com) (392)
(Mirror.co.uk) Fail Taking off your wedding ring and throwing it at your wife might be an effective gesture during an argument, but not if you have to call emergency services to help you  (mirror.co.uk) (18)
(96.1 Kiss) Amusing For the lovers out there, the Pittsburgh Zoo is offering an Adults Only Valentines Dinner with exotic animal mating presentation  (961kiss.com) (45)
(CBS News) Sappy The same security camera that captured a man stealing a family's Christmas presents also captures him returning them two days later with an apology note. Unclear if you can see his heart grow three sizes  (cbsnews.com) (13)
(The Macomb Daily) Amusing Those evil bastards ... Man calls cops, suspects Al Qaeda putting subliminal messages in his porn  (macombdaily.com) (36)
(Mirror.co.uk) Amusing Britons' top health complaints include being "bald and toothless", according to census. This is a repeat from 1911  (mirror.co.uk) (17)
(Washington Post) Scary Driver to spend 20 years in jail for not being a Kennedy  (washingtonpost.com) (72)
(My Fox DC) Strange French fans of Michael Jackson sue the late star's doctor for "emotional damage" they suffered over his death. "It's similar to losing a childhood friend in a traffic accident," their lawyer said...exac...wait, what?  (myfoxdc.com) (43)
(La Crosse Tribune) Dumbass Want to convince a judge that you can't move your arms? Don't do pushups in your jail cell, idiot  (lacrossetribune.com) (20)
(Yahoo) Interesting Archaeologists have discovered that the people of Pompeii were slobby and crude. Trash was found inside tombs as well as graffiti of the 'bathroom' variety. "Cleopatra goes down"  (news.yahoo.com) (71)
(Salon) Interesting What would you do if your spouse were gone for two months? This woman decided to take off her clothes and bend over in front of eight naked men  (salon.com) (124)
(New York Daily News) Spiffy That's New York CARDINAL Dolan, biatch  (nydailynews.com) (25)
(Daily Mail) Fail Not news: photograph emerges of Mitt Romney in Vietnam demonstration. Do not pass news, proceed directly to Fark: in support of the Vietnam War  (dailymail.co.uk) (156)
(My Fox DC) Asinine Let's go over the minutes from the last meeting - the mayor, the city council president, and the city councilman are being investigated by the feds. Okay, next order of business - more rights for the city of Washington DC  (myfoxdc.com) (32)
(Herald Tribune) Florida Man beheaded in fight over tipped barbecue grill  (heraldtribune.com) (77)
(Economist) Interesting A quick how-to on becoming a dictator. "So, I have a small group of rewarded cronies and a highly taxed population. Now what?"  (economist.com) (32)
(Great Falls Tribune) Interesting Montana population reaches 1 million for the first time. Big Sky Country will soon change to Brown Sky Country  (greatfallstribune.com) (41)
(BBC) Obvious Brain function starts to decline at age 45, say those men in those jackets over in that place with the lady with that big thing on her head. You know, it's all shiny and there's those guys with the tall hats and no eyes  (bbc.co.uk) (32)
(Some Beachcomber) Florida Today's weird crap washing up on the beach brought to you by pig carcasses in Bradenton  (bradenton.wtsp.com) (8)
(KTLA) Sick Why would somebody repeatedly dump dirty adult diapers on the same stretch of highway? Depends  (ktla.com) (14)
(Huffington Post) Obvious Real Housewife of Atlanta to start new sex toy line. Presumably called Narcissism and with models called trophy and "looks pretty but shouldn't speak"  (huffingtonpost.com) (26)
(USA Today) Strange That must have been a heck of a mustache, or one heck of an ugly woman  (usatoday.com) (10)
(Fox News) Asinine It takes some balls to break into someone's house, live there openly, claim "adverse possession," throw out their stuff, and then charge them for home improvements because they were out of town getting chemo  (foxnews.com) (258)
(Mother Nature Network) Unlikely NASA is delaying the auction of the hand-written checklist from Apollo 13 until the prop department in the Nevada desert can make another one  (mnn.com) (12)
(News.com.au) Amusing Government list of disallowed baby names shows that New Zealand parents still cannot get Anal*  (news.com.au) (46)
(Some Guy) Florida Hot Florida teacher arrested for soliciting sex with minors - just kidding, Kill it with Fire  (news-journalonline.com) (34)
(Some Guy) Followup Naked man goes viral, should probably see a doctor about that  (news.ninemsn.com.au) (11)
(Reuters) Followup Iran plans more war games in strait, obviously unaware that the only way to win is not to play  (reuters.com) (42)
(NPR) Sick What's the best investment in America? Stocks? Bonds? How about a 22,000% return on buying a member of congress  (npr.org) (109)
(Washington Post) Interesting Kentucky Woman indicted on charges of threatening former President George W. Bush. Neil Diamond reported to be inconsolable  (washingtonpost.com) (19)
(Short List) Dumbass While it might be cute in a sitcom, accidentally handing over your gun to the cashier you're robbing isn't ideal in real life  (shortlist.com) (7)
(CourierPress) Photoshop PETA wants to put memorials on the roads where cows have died. Photoshop what such a memorial might look like  (courierpress.com) (30)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida On the one hand, you shot the guy 18 times. On the other hand, the guy was molesting a kid. The Florida tag finds itself in a moral quandary  (tampabay.com) (103)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man calls emergency services after gluing cups to his head  (shieldsgazette.com) (15)
(wlbz.com) Dumbass A man robbing a Dallas hair salon demands all the cash for himself, all the change for his kids, and the best hair extensions because, "My b**** needs some hair extensions"  (wlbz2.com) (21)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Odd origins of some words. Yes, Crane comes from a rapist pardoned for raping...who then created an elaborate execution system that doubled as a nice way to off-load heavy objects. Rape  (dailymail.co.uk) (32)
(Techzwn) Asinine Not News: News industry forms RIAA-like group. News: Says lawsuits won't be part of starting playbook, but will be added eventually. Fark: First salesperson starts next week  (techzwn.com) (29)
(Merced Sun-Star) Fail Today's special: Vag Lasguna. This menu brought to you by the dining hall at the University of California, Merced  (mercedsunstar.com) (39)
(Crooks & Liars) Ironic Stupid: New Hampshire GOP passes new bill allowing parents the choice to not educate their children. HILARIOUS: Request must be made in writing  (crooksandliars.com) (234)
(Some Guy) Spiffy You are truly a stud if after your death hundreds of nurses come forward to tell the world they had sexual relations with you  (couriermail.com.au) (41)
(Ohio.com) Dumbass Guns don't kill people. 50 caliber semiautomatic Desert Eagle wielding trailer park stepchild rednecks kill people (with gratuitious pic)  (ohio.com) (77)
(BBC) Scary "Hey, you got your anthrax in my heroin" "Well, you got your heroin in my anthrax" Thud. Thud  (bbc.co.uk) (20)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Followup Rahm Emanuel's latest cost-saving measure: having all Chicago-area libraries closed on Mondays. BOOK IT, DONE  (suntimes.com) (68)
(Denver Channel) Dumbass High school drama teacher charged with giving curtain calls to an underage student. (With "you'd give her a callback after an audition" pic)  (thedenverchannel.com) (108)
(Education News) Interesting Why do languages die? lol i dunno  (educationviews.org) (112)
(SFGate) Interesting Marine biologist could get 20 years in prison and a half million dollars in fines. Her crime? Feeding whales  (sfgate.com) (74)
(WWSB ABC 7) Florida Man robs the elderly, steals donation jar, caught before taking candy from a baby  (mysuncoast.com) (15)
(Yahoo) Strange Not News: Busted for stealing from work. News: You're a medical examiner. Fark: You stole body parts. TotalFark: To homeschool your own cadaver dog  (news.yahoo.com) (51)

Thu January 05, 2012
(Discovery) Interesting "Maya region to profit from 2012 tourism" in what is likely the longest con ever  (news.discovery.com) (91)
(Some Fools) Dumbass Burglars break into house, steal coin collection worth thousands -- then proceed to dump it all in coin counting machine, netting $450  (kptv.com) (119)
(Some Guy) Cool "Losing all my teeth has been a Godsend, I can tell you. And if someone has a foot fetish, but also likes breasts, in my case they're in the same general area"  (bisserjeta.hsara.com) (92)
(SeattlePI) Scary Man dying to use the carpool lane buckles up a plastic skeleton in the passenger seat (w/ pic)  (seattlepi.com) (50)
(Telegraph) Photoshop Photoshop this foxy maneuver  (i.telegraph.co.uk) (29)
(Some Guy) Fail Building his resume for a future career with the DEA, Navy SEAL shoots self in head while demonstrating that his gun was not loaded  (nctimes.com) (284)
(SeattlePI) Obvious Brothel owner decides that if you have to be screwed by a politician, he wants it to be Ron Paul. "We thought real closely about supporting Newt Gingrich, because he's a cheater and we like cheaters"  (blog.seattlepi.com) (79)
(Houston Press) Interesting For cold and flu season, a food critic determines which cough syrups taste best and which taste the most like liquid death  (blogs.houstonpress.com) (123)
(Herald-Leader) Amusing Today's criminal who's definitely NOT a farker is a guy who robbed an adult store for just the cash, incense and potpourri  (kentucky.com) (28)
(Popular Science) PSA No matter how much they annoy you, you should avoid plucking your nose hair  (popsci.com) (178)
(My Fox DC) Asinine And if elected to office as one of the country's youngest public officials, I pledge to throw a brick through my ex-girlfriend's window and slip out of handcuffs during an alcohol-related arrest  (myfoxdc.com) (63)
(jezebel.com) Amusing Casey Anthony video diary, Day 1: "I adopted a dog"  (jezebel.com) (262)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop Theme: Shut your pie hole  (images.google.com) (32)
(Some Guy) Interesting Woman gives birth to 15 pound, 7 ounce baby. Man, this childhood obesity problem is really getting out of hand  (duluthnewstribune.com) (80)
(Some Tapir Baby Daddy) Florida Ugly ass baby Tapir the first new year baby at the Tampa Zoo. With ugly ass pics  (southtampa.wtsp.com) (37)
(Some Guy) PSA January is National Birth Defect Prevention month. Luckily for Farkers, you can get your daily requirement of folic acid from the orange juice in your average screwdriver  (nbdpn.org) (26)
(Some Weed Chucker) Florida Protip: Get rid of that bag of weed before you get to the courthouse security checkpoint, unlike this guy  (winterhaven.wtsp.com) (59)
(NPR) Cool The panda that you think you see is not the real panda. That panda only exists in your mind. It is a fake panda. This panda, the panda you don't see, this is the real panda  (npr.org) (85)
(Fark) Amusing Do you know anyone or better yet, work with anyone who is really paranoid or conspiracy believing? Like they think the Government is watching them, or that the CIA put LSD in their drinking water or some other nonsense?  (fark.com) (869)
(Spiegel) Interesting Unfortunately, each dimebag comes with a long, rambling story usually involving an onion and a belt  (spiegel.de) (48)
(Detroit Free Press) Scary Detroit resident: Help - Someone's trying to kill me. Detroit Police: I'm sorry....we're closed. Try again tomorrow after 8:00am  (freep.com) (129)
(Fark) Sappy Everybody's got them. What dumb cute pet names do you and your spouse or lover call each other, that no one else uses?  (fark.com) (546)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Q: How many people does it take to pick out a light bulb? A: 535  (myfoxdc.com) (138)
(Gizmodo) Asinine Pure airplane porn: the next fighter jet we don't need  (gizmodo.com) (303)
(UPI) Amusing Hacker, apparently unaware of which decade the rest of the world lives in, digs up secret intel files on Henry Kissinger, Dan Quayle. Quick, Mr. Peabody, fire up the Wayback Machine  (upi.com) (36)
(Toronto Star) Dumbass Canada's answer to Glenn Beck gives a reasoned, articulate response to a company's boycott of tarsands oil. Just kidding, he tells the senior VP to go f*ck his mother  (thestar.com) (64)
(Entertainment Weekly) Sick Twilight: The Musical is sparkling its way to Broadway  (popwatch.ew.com) (97)
(CBC) Cool What's over 590 lbs, smells like fish and recently made almost $750,000 by selling its body in Japan? Besides submitter's mom  (cbc.ca) (73)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Caroline Kennedy is "against her cousin Maria Shriver's reunion with Arnold Schwarzenegger." Because if there's anyone that can offer good marriage advice, it's a Kennedy  (dailymail.co.uk) (28)
(Reuters) Strange Boy, are the Chinese gonna be pissed when they realize that they've got Warren and Jimmy confused  (reuters.com) (39)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Man scams pay phone users out of $4 million. In other news, pay phones were used to make calls by people before there were cellphones  (myfoxdc.com) (24)
(Some Guy) Fail "I want her to go to prison where she can get help, where she can't do drugs or have anything bad (happen) to her." Heh, looks like someone never watched Oz  (kirotv.com) (35)
(Click Orlando) Florida Trooper applies taser-like force to Drunky McVader  (clickorlando.com) (15)
(MLive.com) Amusing Michigan congregation opens tattoo parlor inside their church. Leviticus may have a problem with this  (mlive.com) (31)
(Guardian) Interesting Former News of the World editor takes over at the New York Daily News. Apparently some folks have a problem with this  (guardian.co.uk) (18)
(Some Guy) Asinine Shot in the eye, woman insists on finishing beer: priorities, gotta have 'em  (winnipegfreepress.com) (29)
(WXYZ Detroit) Obvious Mother of autistic son facing criminal charges because he's tardy. Well that just seems insensitive  (wxyz.com) (94)
(First Coast News) Florida "I'd like two hot dogs all the way, a shot of moonshine, and for you to put your hands behind your back and spread 'em"  (downtownjax.firstcoastnews.com) (23)
(Google) Dumbass US arson suspect faces German fire probe. German fire prober tells him he's facing the wrong direction  (google.com) (16)
(truTV) Amusing A journalist's experience in Iowa. "One elderly woman told me to 'go away' when I asked her about her Romney button, and another flipped me the bird. I even tried holding a baby"  (blog.trutv.com) (69)
(Canoe) Scary Canadian Defence Minister marries hot Iranian chick. What could possibly go wrong?  (cnews.canoe.ca) (132)
(Life.com) Obvious "Drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now"  (life.com) (83)
(BBC) Interesting We are sorry to announce the cancellation of the 06:47 Edinburgh train due to the wrong kind of tree on the line  (bbc.co.uk) (13)
(wmur) Dumbass You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel  (wmur.com) (91)
(Boston.com) Followup While you were busy being outraged over Verizon's $2 fee to make a payment other utilities were already charging $4.95  (boston.com) (93)
(CSMonitor) Obvious It took a special commission to conclude California doesn't have $100 billion to spend on railroads  (csmonitor.com) (179)
(The Hollywood Reporter) Obvious The biggest fashion risk-takers of 2011. Yes, the toilet seat hat is in there  (hollywoodreporter.com) (17)
(Smh.com.au) Strange Latest threat to commercial aviation in New Zealand: flying sharks  (smh.com.au) (27)
(USA Today) Followup If you were planning on spending $3.5 million for a 30 second Super Bowl ad this year, you're too late  (usatoday.com) (64)
(Huffington Post) Stupid How much has American culture slipped? It has come to the point where 4chan memes are seen as social commentary  (huffingtonpost.com) (96)
(CSMonitor) Followup Well, about that Steve Jobs superhero action figure  (csmonitor.com) (31)
(Chicago Tribune) Scary Woman dragged out of car, assaulted on southwest side. So that's like, what, the back of her left leg?  (chicagotribune.com) (18)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Sad China bus slides off snow-covered bridge, claims 16 lives and 1 curio cabinet  (suntimes.com) (9)
(wmal.com) Strange Federal judge says Maryland's redistricting boundaries look like "a broken-winged pterodactyl, lying prostrate across the center of the state," which may mark the first time a judge has likened district boundaries to a dinosaur  (wmal.com) (34)
(Some Guy) Amusing Not news: Man takes car on test drive from dealership. News: He gets arrested. FARK: After a "test drive" of 160 miles  (duluthnewstribune.com) (25)
(Houston Chronicle) Obvious When a judge finds it "highly implausible" 11 panelists would "stick their noses in jars of excrement and report 44 independent times that they smelled nothing unpleasant," you'll probably have to pull your commercial  (chron.com) (40)
(Some Guy) Stupid And somewhere in suburban Minnesota, a pizza fight led to assault and drug charges. Ah, cheese  (minnesota.cbslocal.com) (15)
(Reuters) Spiffy Reforms are coming / But not too fast / Just around the corner / Comes freedom at last / Burma raves  (reuters.com) (16)
(The Atlantic) Sick Only 1 in 3 doctors knows to wash their hands after coming into contact with the barf/fluids of the patient they saw just before they see you. Don't worry though, last year only 100,000 people croaked as a result  (theatlantic.com) (49)
(CNN) Interesting Congratulations Americans. Chances are you are the 1%...globally  (money.cnn.com) (174)
(TC Palm) Florida Florida man bitten, stabbed after argument with girlfriend over missing New Year's Eve 'ball drop' on TV. To prevent future 'ball drop' violence, police suggest he set his DVR next time  (blogs.tcpalm.com) (10)
(SeattlePI) Interesting How many Polish art students does it take to hang their own paintings in a museum?  (seattlepi.com) (18)
(Bloomberg) Scary FDA orders safety evaluation of vaginal mesh. Farkettes, line up to the left for your inspection  (bloomberg.com) (43)
(wmal.com) Amusing White people "can't do a damn thing to me or about me. Isn't that funny?" says DC's Mayor for Life Marion Barry. Ya know, the one who was caught smoking crack in the 90s and now they're making a movie about him  (wmal.com) (71)
(Yahoo) Strange Jack Abramoff is speaking out against corruption in Washington and wants to work with the Occupy Wall Street movement. Read that sentence again, slowly. Enjoy your aneurysm  (news.yahoo.com) (60)
(Jalopnik) Obvious Police speculate vehicle may have been traveling over the posted speed limit of 30 miles per hour, planning a complete investigation once they get the car down from the house roof it ended up on  (jalopnik.com) (11)
(MSNBC) Misc Announcing the 2012 Weird Science Awards. Tell me how it ends, I have to go pee  (msnbc.msn.com) (32)
(Canoe) Unlikely New study released by the Institute for People That Aren't Farkers (IPTAF) says that raising prices on alcoholic beverages may curb drinking  (cnews.canoe.ca) (33)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this fiery breath  (news.bbcimg.co.uk) (25)
(Some Guy) Unlikely Even in the Bang Phlat section of Bangkok, Thailand it is illegal to perform "penis enlargement massages" in your car  (bangkokpost.com) (20)
(Reuters) Asinine Nutritionist says France should tackle child obesity by giving slim children better grades. Educators scoff at idea for U.S. saying it would only improve grades of three kids  (reuters.com) (30)
(CNN) Interesting Now that the United States has left Iraq, Iraq is experiencing stability not seen since the days of Saddam Hussein  (cnn.com) (109)
(Short List) Sick The force is strong in this bun  (shortlist.com) (32)
(MSNBC) Weird "Cops: Colorado woman punches, rubs her buttocks against $30 million painting." Everybody's a critic  (msnbc.msn.com) (43)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Things you probably shouldn't do while driving: texting, putting on makeup, making meth, reading the...wait, what?  (orlandosentinel.com) (12)
(Some Guy) Sick You probably made some bad choices in life when police find your body on fire on the side of the road and have to release pictures of your tattoos to see if anyone can identify you  (wtkr.com) (28)
(KSL News) Sad Six police officers shot in ChicOgden  (ksl.com) (63)
(Yahoo) Strange Woman gives police inconsistent stories in regard to where her missing son, sharpie, have been for more than a month  (news.yahoo.com) (83)
(Village Voice) Weird "For the next twelve hours Debbie was made to stand in a large garbage can and face one hundred people screaming at her demanding a confession as to her 'homosexual tendencies'"  (blogs.villagevoice.com) (159)
(Komo) Asinine Want to see a dash-cam video from a police cruiser? Then we'll sue you for asking, citizen. Bonus: Videos will only be released after statue of limitations expires for police misconduct  (komonews.com) (243)
(NPR) Interesting Turns out it is actually quite healthy for your teen to talk back and let you know you're horrible. HORRIBLE. *slams door* HORRIBLE *slams door again* HORRIBLE *slam* YOU'RE HORRIBLE  (npr.org) (122)
(SFGate) Dumbass "It's an entirely different kind of flying ... *hic* ... altogether"  (blog.sfgate.com) (49)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 348: "Desolation". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme  (farktography.net) (188)

Wed January 04, 2012
(Some Guy) Interesting People with unfortunate names are more likely to be abused and get ill, reports Dave Hitler  (montrealgazette.com) (197)
(WXYZ Detroit) Fail Clearly, the sensible thing to do after losing an argument over cereal is to set yourself on fire  (wxyz.com) (100)
(Boston.com) Photoshop Photoshop this pig in a puddle  (inapcache.boston.com) (41)
(Some Guy) Amusing Rock wants to avoid water war with Arizona. Rowdy Roddy Piper is in, though  (mesquitelocalnews.com) (63)
(PhysOrg.com) Cool Pentagon physicists devise a "time cloak"; the device manipulates the flow of light in such a way that for a fraction of a second, an event cannot be seen  (physorg.com) (257)
(Some Guy) Dumbass "Johnson allegedly concealed 17 cans of baby formula, two douches, three toothbrushes, one bottle of K-Y lubricant, one bottle of shaving gel and one Lysol refill into a black diaper bag"  (rn-t.com) (163)
(Mother Nature Network) Obvious New study reveals that middle-aged pot smokers actually scored higher on memory tests than those who didn't use the drug. So why is it illegal again?  (mnn.com) (374)
(The Sun) Amusing The only picture of a squirrel getting it on with T-Rex you'll see today. Really  (thesun.co.uk) (57)
(My San Antonio) Asinine A Texas judge who ruled against execution has been removed from the case so that justice can be executed  (mysanantonio.com) (104)
(Some Aged Moptop) Photoshop Photoshop this other famous Beatles photograph  (themusicslut.com) (39)
(QC Online) Stupid If you live in Illinois and want to buy drain cleaner, you will now have to show your ID, because "drain cleaners contain acid and acid was used to attack someone three years ago"  (qconline.com) (219)
(HelenaIR.com) Weird Montana train locomotive ambushed, fired upon. This is not a repeat from 1892  (helenair.com) (72)
(TBO.com) Florida Another score for Bank of America PR dept.: Typo involving 80 cents nearly cost man his home  (tbo.ly) (169)
(Canada.com) Ironic Auxiliary Bishop of Los Angeles resigns to spend more time with his children  (canada.com) (63)
(TwinCities.com) Unlikely Old and busted: Catholics molested altar boys and covered it up for centuries. New hotness: Catholics sank the Titanic, orchestrated Holocaust, got America into Vietnam  (twincities.com) (116)
(News.com.au) Followup Man to finally undergo surgery on one-meter tumor on his leg. Doctors will attempt to convert it to feet  (news.com.au) (65)
(Yahoo) Asinine CA judge rules that ramming someone with a shopping cart is protected political speech, so long as the person you are ramming is saying something you object to  (news.yahoo.com) (172)
(Fark) FarkBlog Congratulations to the winners of Fark's 2011 Headline of the Year contest  (fark.com) (165)
(New York Daily News) Hero A recently widowed teen mom shot and killed a burglar to protect her 3-month-old son on New Year's Eve after asking the 911 operator for permission to fire  (nydailynews.com) (746)
(New York Daily News) Followup Number of victims of butt-injection 'doctor' inflates to 30  (nydailynews.com) (81)
(Gizmodo) Cool Lost world discovered under Antarctica is full of weird alien-looking species. Still no sign of Elvis  (gizmodo.com) (103)
(CBC) Followup Expert says that a mouse wouldn't actually dissolve in Mountain Dew, however, it would make it taste slightly worse  (cbc.ca) (56)
(truTV) Scary Most plausible 2012 conspiracy theory predictions: The US will go to war with Iran, Alex Jones will spontaneously combust from yelling  (trutv.com) (100)
(The Smoking Gun) Dumbass While it's embarrassing enough being seen going to a kid's movie, going naked will land you on the Smoking Gun, Fark  (thesmokinggun.com) (32)
(Some Guy) PSA Teen girl missing since 2010 turns up in Colombia. FARK: She was deported by ICE. DOUBLE FARK: She's a U.S. citizen, black, and speaks no Spanish  (wfaa.com) (264)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If you drink and drive, throw away your bar tab receipt. And don't vomit on the breathalyzer  (1027jackfm.com) (12)
(Evansville Courier & Press) Asinine Indiana State Police ban "potentially dangerous" cans of Dr Pepper from Statehouse, where vending machines inside sell ... Dr Pepper  (courierpress.com) (64)
(Philly.com) Amusing Drastic cuts in school spending show an upside: it's easier to catch teen vandals after they post videos of themselves spray painting cars on YouTube  (philly.com) (17)
(wlbz.com) Obvious If the USOC tells the Redneck Olympics to stop using "Olympics", this is the response you'd expect: "If the USOC asks what goes in the eight blank spaces after the word redneck he'll say it's bull****"  (wlbz2.com) (78)
(Some Guy) Sad Chronic KY gubernatorial candidate Gatewood Galbraith passes  (state-journal.com) (58)
(The Macomb Daily) Asinine Nothing handy with which to beat your girlfriend? Hey, there's a two-foot cross  (macombdaily.com) (37)
(Some ghost) Interesting 250 years ago this month, a London ghost claimed to have been murdered in what was to become a nationwide scandal  (ianvisits.co.uk) (26)
(WSB TV) Strange 72-year-old woman wanders away from home, is found by search parties the following day - in her back yard. Head of the search party, Mr. Magoo, is said to be very relieved  (wsbtv.com) (19)
(SeattlePI) Amusing If you're arrested on suspicion of shoplifting, don't tell the arresting officers that you were Rudy from the Cosby Show. No one liked that annoying brat anyway  (seattlepi.com) (35)
(CNBC) Scary Looks like the Euro bailout was all for nothing as Greece warns it could exit the Euro by April  (cnbc.com) (81)
(Huffington Post) Strange I'm sorry sir, I cannot buy your vehicle, even at a 30% discount, because your license plate clearly indicates you are a dead cow pimp  (huffingtonpost.com) (54)
(AZCentral) Dumbass Man arrested twice in same day for huffing aerosol.. Sounds familiar?  (azcentral.com) (35)
(Yahoo) Obvious You know sometimes the ACLU can seem picky and annoying when demanding governments not fund things that seem to promote religion. But in the case of WV's "Jesus Fest" they may have a point  (news.yahoo.com) (291)
(Yahoo) Sick Poisoned pussy kills billionaire in China  (news.yahoo.com) (55)
(Atlanta Journal Constitution) Interesting A Mayan North Georgia? Itza possibility  (ajc.com) (80)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop these muddy musicians  (spiegel.de) (16)
(courier-journal) Fail If you were wondering why your moonshine delivery never made it, here's the reason  (courier-journal.com) (40)
(Stylist) Fail Naked man accidentally photobombs fashion shoot for kids (Not safe for work)  (stylist.co.uk) (45)
(Some Guy) Asinine Buyer disputes eBay purchase with Paypal. Paypal tells buyer to destroy item. Item is -- sorry, "was" -- an antique violin worth $2500  (regretsy.com) (165)
(Yahoo) Interesting Scientists now think that the great Khmer empire in Cambodia collapsed due to a prolonged drought, and not because of immigration issues caused by too many Ankgor babies as previously thought  (news.yahoo.com) (47)
(International Business Times UK) Interesting Romans kept it simple. Pay for sex using a coin with two people having sex on it  (uk.ibtimes.com) (49)
(AZCentral) Asinine Cops pulls a woman over for speeding and offers to take her out on a date to make up for the $132 ticket he's about to give her  (azcentral.com) (116)
(Mirror.co.uk) Scary Beware of zombees  (mirror.co.uk) (49)
(WLSAM) Spiffy Chicagoans can now go online to track the snow plows that are not clearing their streets  (wlsam.com) (24)
(Fox News) Asinine What happens when a group of 8-year-olds sing a song about being part of the 99 percent? Oh, you'd better believe there's outrage  (radio.foxnews.com) (386)
(ABC) Scary Chicago man gets shot three times, shoved in trunk of his own car, is taken on a ride through the city, then manages to free himself and call for help. TA-DAA  (abcnews.go.com) (26)
(KPHO) Scary *Ding* You are now free to fall asleep and end up in the wrong city  (kpho.com) (71)
(Chicago Tribune) Cool If you're a 90-something year old seaman who lost a shaving kit on a Navy submarine, the Manitowoc Maritime Museum would like a word with you  (chicagotribune.com) (27)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy World's. Tallest. Transsexual. (w/pics)  (dailymail.co.uk) (134)
(Fox News) News Santorum surprises caucus in a tight one  (foxnews.com) (309)
(Huffington Post) Silly Guess who knows who the next president will be? God. Guess who God told? Pat Robertson. Guess who Pat Robertson is going to tell? NOT YOU  (huffingtonpost.com) (184)

Tue January 03, 2012
(Google) Florida Today's burning question before SCOTUS: Does a police dog's sniff outside a house give officers the right to get a search warrant for illegal drugs, or is the sniff an unconstitutional search?  (google.com) (167)
(Uproxx) Amusing Iowa is more than cornfields, cows, and slack-jawed yokels, claims Iowan  (uproxx.com) (38)
(WXYZ Detroit) Fail Because crime is so low, Detroit decides to lay off 100 police officers  (wxyz.com) (150)
(Some Iowan) Interesting After a year and a half, tens of millions spent, and several candidates; so begins the actual voting. (Your Iowa Caucus thread.)  (iowagop.org) (lots)
(Naples Daily News) Florida Attention all school bullies. Your victims can now legally take you out with deadly force  (naplesnews.com) (974)
(The Daily Meal) Obvious Chain restaurants worth eating at, presented as a 10-course prix fixe slideshow. We begin with an amuse bouche of Cheesecake Factory and finish with a subtle yet flavorful In-N-Out Burger  (thedailymeal.com) (221)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these shiny baubles into something more interesting  (img-fotki.yandex.ru) (18)
(WLKY) Fail Truck carrying 40,000 lbs of potatoes overturns, estimates place several million eyes witnessed at the scene  (wlky.com) (44)
(Gawker) Fail Not News: Cop caught planting evidence. News: Cop caught on film planting evidence. Fark: Caught by his own dash cam  (gawker.com) (227)
(The Raw Story) Scary Seven-year-old girl attacked by kangaroo, Jack  (rawstory.com) (41)
(Wired) Followup "Officially, the White House says Obama never went to Mars"  (wired.com) (129)
(Miami Herald) Amusing Dave Barry's 2011 Year in Review  (miamiherald.com) (68)
(St. Petersburg Times) Silly Feminists upset after Lego launches a toy line for girls. "Someone should tell them that they already have one; it's called Legos"  (tampabay.com) (327)
(Fark) FarkBlog A few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 12/25 - 12/31  (fark.com) (12)
(BBC) Strange Did you know that the Loch Ness surface goes up and down by just 1.5mm when the monster gets out to towel off?  (bbc.co.uk) (35)
(Daily Mail) Weird Dude, dude, moobs just like a lady ♫  (dailymail.co.uk) (57)
(The Daily Caller) Obvious Today's NYC has got you by the short hairs for unknowingly violating its gun law brought to you by the Empire State Building  (dailycaller.com) (485)
(Flickr) Photoshop Iron Photoshop Contest: Photoshop a ring and a king on the wing. (Link goes to something with no connection to this contest 'cause subby doesn't wanna give you any help)  (farm3.static.flickr.com) (25)
(Daily Mail) Scary Survey finds two thirds of British drivers are confused by basic road signs, 100% still drive on the wrong side of the road  (dailymail.co.uk) (75)
(Daily Mail) Followup How attention whores are made: 7 year old daughter of "The Human Barbie" who got a boob job voucher last year got one for liposuction in her Christmas stocking  (dailymail.co.uk) (136)
(Yahoo) Scary "So I figured, when's the next time I'm going to be in Bali?"  (news.yahoo.com) (36)
(Mother Nature Network) Sad It's come to this: Dude ranches across America forced to purchase super-sized saddles to accommodate clients. "To put it bluntly, we call them the big-butt saddles"  (mnn.com) (165)
(BBC) Obvious Aretha Franklin is E-N-G-A-G-E-D  (bbc.co.uk) (52)
(Daily Mail) Asinine Five-year-old girl has overdue books. Library: A) Sends a letter asking for it to be returned, B) sends an e-mail, or C) sends the cops to the girl's house  (dailymail.co.uk) (123)
(New York Daily News) Interesting Man eats a slice from every pizzeria in Manhattan, including Ray's, Original Ray's, Ray's Original, Famous Ray's Original, New York Ray's, El Rey's, and 350 other places that suck compared to your favorite  (nydailynews.com) (223)
(The Smoking Gun) Strange TSG Mugshot Roundup: I'm not saying that it was aliens, but...ALIENS (especially #13)  (thesmokinggun.com) (166)
(ABC) Interesting The bride's family pays for the wedding, the groom's for the rehearsal dinner, and the best man buys strippers for the bachelor party. But who supposed to pay for the bridalplasty?  (abcnews.go.com) (119)
(BBC) Interesting Taliban tentatively agree to set up office space in Qatar, though are pushing back on the format of TPS reports  (bbc.co.uk) (55)
(LA Times) Strange California ferret lovers push to overturn ownership ban, and for legitimacy of the sport of ferret legging  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (116)
(Houston Chronicle) Scary Nevermind  (blog.chron.com) (81)
(Some Guy) Obvious Just starting up a new gym routine as part of your New Year's resolutions? Here is your full list of gym etiquette, and for the love of all that is holy, pay attention to #5  (joethepeacock.blogspot.com) (755)
(Yahoo) Followup The guy busted with the backpack full of explosives at a TX airport on New Year's Eve is now looking less like a scary terrorist and more like a Special Forces demolition expert planning some awesome fireworks for his buddies  (news.yahoo.com) (102)
(Sun Sentinel) Interesting Gynecologists opening minds, orifices for transgender patients  (sun-sentinel.com) (277)
(Reuters) Amusing Iran to U.S. Navy: Keep your fleet out of the Persian Gulf, or we'll publish pictures of us sinking your ships. U.S. Navy: That'd be one hell of a Photoshop job  (reuters.com) (512)
(Yahoo) Ironic Now, I'm not saying this is proof that the Queen of England regularly engages in the practice of ritual human sacrifice, but..,  (news.yahoo.com) (67)
(LA Times) Ironic Man in prison for stealing vehicles escapes by stealing a vehicle  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (41)
(Some Guy) Asinine Egypt: Yesterday, when we said we plan on respecting our 33 year old peace treaty with Israel, we didn't really mean it. We would rather go back to the days when the Israelis were beating us like a drum. Thank you sir May I have another?  (jta.org) (260)
(Guardian) Obvious Stradivarius, the monster cables of the violin world  (guardian.co.uk) (163)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Officer, he didn't sever the brake line to the car his girlfriend and their son were riding in...he pulled it loose. Oh, glad we cleared that up  (myfoxdc.com) (20)
(WTOP) Hero Lone woman sues Honda in small-claims court for not delivering promised mpg in her hybrid. Fark: After opting out of the class action lawsuit that Honda settled with $200 to owners and an $8.5 million payout to trial lawyers  (wtop.com) (119)
(TC Palm) Florida There are appropriate places to use for passing gas and urinating. A crowded hospital waiting room with an armed guard is not one of them  (blogs.tcpalm.com) (32)
(Fox 5 Atlanta) PSA It's snowing in Georgia. EVERYBODY PANIC  (myfoxatlanta.com) (120)
(Google) Photoshop Photoshop Challenge: Take any 2D image and make it look more 3D. (Or better yet - convert it to 3D) - IMPORTANT: Create one image showing the BEFORE and AFTER pictures  (google.com) (22)
(Some Guy) Sick There's "stealing scrap metal" low, and then there's "stealing scrap metal from grave sites" low  (newyork.cbslocal.com) (55)
(Fox News) Obvious Motherfarkin' caucuses, how do they work? Fox News readers want to know  (foxnews.com) (97)
(First Coast News) Florida Officer shoots suspect with outstanding warrant, why he didn't use his gun we'll never know  (firstcoastnews.com) (13)
(MSNBC) Dumbass "I hate America," says arsonist while being arrested. Really? We destroy things at random all the time. Stick around with us a little while longer. You'll learn to love us  (usnews.msnbc.msn.com) (83)
(BBC) Followup Israelis and Palestinians to meet again for peace talks. Meet again? I thought they lived in the same house  (bbc.co.uk) (50)
(The New York Times) Silly Hipster resolves to spend 30 minutes a day without his iPhone. New York Times publishes his New Year's resolution  (bits.blogs.nytimes.com) (133)
(MSNBC) Sappy Bad news: Woman gets raped. Worse news: Gets pregnant and gives up baby for adoption. Sappy: Reunites with daughter 77 years later. I think there's dust in my eye leftover from the Dust Bowl  (msnbc.msn.com) (85)
(Chicago Tribune) Fail When drunk at the McDonald's drive-through, don't fall asleep. If you fall asleep and are awakened by the Chicago Police, don't give a fake name. If you must give a fake name, make sure it does not belong to a registered sex offender  (chicagotribune.com) (40)
(My Fox DC) Silly Since Metta World Peace and Chad Ochocinco were already taken, I guess this was the next best choice  (myfoxdc.com) (51)
(Washington Post) Scary American cities require billions in infrastructure investment to avoid becoming awash in raw sewage and santorum  (washingtonpost.com) (287)
(Sun Sentinel) Stupid Apparently, someone thinks we need nutrition labels on alcohol  (sun-sentinel.com) (112)

Mon January 02, 2012
(Some Guy) Sad Months after Hurricane Irene wrecked parts of Hatteras Island, a subdivision remains cut off from the rest of the island and rotting away because the property owners can't afford to repair their road  (wtkr.com) (175)
(Yahoo) Strange Want something done about that neighbor you hate? Then try the ancient villain-hitting ritual  (news.yahoo.com) (55)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Ready, aim... buyer: Bonnie and Clyde's cache of guns set to fetch thousands at auction  (dailymail.co.uk) (86)
(Houston Chronicle) Spiffy I don't know what a Typewriter is but this guy fixes them  (chron.com) (117)
(3 News New Zealand) Weird Advert points out that men don't wear tampons. Outrage predictably ensues  (3news.co.nz) (383)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop Theme: Thufferin' Thuccotash  (invertedcastle.com) (11)
(Some Guy) Interesting After extensive interviews, it was found that an inmate had a fish named Andy Dufresne and he had enough of the warden  (nbcphiladelphia.com) (68)
(Denver Post) Weird Reason #54 why you shouldn't have your body cryogenically frozen: Every year your family might take your body out of its storage shed and drive with it around town in a hearse parade while the locals toss frozen salmon and have coffin races  (denverpost.com) (57)
(CBS News) Followup Mt. Rainier gunman found, killed by snow  (cbsnews.com) (384)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Subby is going to shoot his Christmas tree to space. Photoshop what you will do with your old Christmas tree  (bing.com) (21)
(Fark) Followup I went to South Pole station and all I got were these stupid pictures. Pictures and DIT  (fark.com) (236)
(Mother Nature Network) Interesting How to make a yurt. What the hell is a yurt?  (mnn.com) (70)
(Telegraph) Followup LAPD releases CCTV footage of a man wanted for questioning in connection 40 or so flame jobs. Curiously, he looks nothing like Gregory Hines  (telegraph.co.uk) (67)
(Huffington Post) Sad Some info to share with the delusional nutbags who are convinced that Mayans piloting UFOs will attack Earth this December  (huffingtonpost.com) (70)
(WorldNetDaily) Silly It's time for World Net Daily's "Most ignored stories of 2011." Why yes they all have to do with disproved Obama "conspiracies" and other ridiculous stretches of the imagination  (wnd.com) (154)
(The Daily Beast) Interesting Meet the highest-paid CEO in America: a guy you've never heard of running a company you probably don't know, but who made $145 million last year  (thedailybeast.com) (248)
(SFGate) Strange Georgia Walmart store getting mixed results from new "free syringe with every clothing purchase" promotion  (sfgate.com) (18)
(ABC) Obvious The eleven most intriguing missing persons of 2011. Eight are pretty white girls, with a token black girl, a white boy, and one ugly girl  (abcnews.go.com) (92)
(Space) Spiffy If you're not doing anything around 2a.m. EST (0700 GMT) on Wednesday, you may want to go outside and look up. NASA predicting that the Quadrantid meteor shower will be peaking at around 100 meteors per hour  (space.com) (45)
(Some Beery Guy) Cool "Why no occifer I habnt bin drinkling, hats my coloo... calloug... cawlaw......... toilet water"  (demeterfragrance.com) (17)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely Driver threatens lawsuit against 20 mph speed limit because her BMW can't go that slow  (dailymail.co.uk) (116)
(Washington Times) Asinine Road to Idiocracy: EEOC says High School Diploma requirement might violate Americans with Disabilities Act  (washingtontimes.com) (128)
(The New York Times) Amusing The NY Times has trouble navigating My Little Pony characters. Scroll to the bottom of the article for the best newspaper correction you will ever see  (nytimes.com) (124)
(NYPost) Interesting With 160 kills, Navy SEAL Chris Kyle is the deadliest sniper in US history. The ghost of Simo Hayha smiles, pats the kid on the head, and allows that's not a half-bad day's work  (nypost.com) (264)
(AFP) Scary Right now, six people running for the job of the leader of the most powerful nation on earth are trying desperately to convince voters that they don't believe in science and won't govern based on it  (thejakartaglobe.com) (511)
(ABC) Interesting British doctors suggest not flushing toilets to reduce the spread of diarrhea along with not brushing teeth to reduce spread of cavities  (abcnews.go.com) (19)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Mass panic hits Florida as temperatures plunge to a freezing 60 degrees  (sun-sentinel.com) (50)
(The Local (Germany)) Dumbass Polish ambassador: It's not the fault of Polish criminals in Germany stealing cars, it's the Germans' fault because their cars are too easy to steal  (thelocal.de) (39)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Moe Love tattoo, long-johns with buttons now qualify as dapper  (myfoxdc.com) (33)
(Some Pirate) Florida Today's pirate ship runs aground with 100 tourists aboard brought to you by ClearwatAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR   (wtsp.com) (28)
(Some Guy) Interesting Dancers say strip clubs owe them $324,000. To be paid fully in one dollar bills  (adn.com) (49)
(WCIV) Amusing Man pays $3000 to have huge cock put on Corvette hood  (abcnews4.com) (88)
(Daily Mail) Florida 12-year-old boy in critical condition after being hit in head by celebratory New Year gunshot fired from miles away. Police are baffled, but seek someone who likes Skyrim a lot  (dailymail.co.uk) (77)
(NPR) Interesting Eating squash soup 'til you get sick may not sound like a good way to celebrate New Year's, but then, you ancestors weren't enslaved by the French and denied squash soup, were they?  (npr.org) (18)
(Telegraph) Interesting A record number of guns were bought in America as Christmas presents. That'll teach the jolly fatman to think twice about breaking into our homes in the dead of night  (telegraph.co.uk) (141)
(Boing Boing) Interesting Raiders of the Lost Ark shot-for-shot tracing of the adventure movies it borrowed from  (boingboing.net) (85)
(News.com.au) Strange Australian researcher gets test subjects to wear the same pair of jeans for three months straight without washing, a phenomenon we in the U.S. call "college"  (news.com.au) (67)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida If you're going to try to get out of being arrested by bribing a deputy with NFL tickets, find a better game than the Miami Dolphins versus the New York Jets. "Miami-Jets tickets aren't worth a damn"  (palmbeachpost.com) (15)
(CBS News) Scary That rustling in your back yard? Probably just a rabbit, or a deer, or an Iraq war vet armed-to-the-teeth who's living in the woods and has taken to hunting humans. Fark: EVERYBODY PANIC-worthy photo  (cbsnews.com) (246)
(Some Soldier) Ironic Military is advertising on every Google search for "Military is". Meanwhile, Google's auto-complete suggests "Military is for uneducated people... is stupid... is a cult... is socialist" directly above the ad  (freethoughtblogs.com) (50)
(CNN) Spiffy Colorado becomes fourth state to petition U.S. government to reclassify marijuana  (edition.cnn.com) (89)
(Wikipedia) Photoshop Photoshop Challenge: Photoshop the first big scandal of 2012  (en.wikipedia.org) (15)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely If you quit drinking in January to only crawl back into the bottle in February, you may die from a medical condition known as Janopause detox  (dailymail.co.uk) (17)
(News.com.au) Scary Sure, you've been drunk. But have you ever been "dislocated your jaw vomiting" drunk?  (news.com.au) (46)
(Some Mac Guy) Obvious New Steve Jobs action figure comes with kung-fu grip for your wallet  (couriermail.com.au) (26)
(AZCentral) Sad 100 ways Arizona changed the world. Spoiler: Number one is the chimichanga, a deep fried burrito that goes well with beer. Number two is a hole in the ground. Number three is a bigger hole in the ground  (azcentral.com) (52)
(Daily Mail) Scary Super-volcano under German lake about to erupt and destroy Europe. Happy New Year  (dailymail.co.uk) (93)
(Fox News) Amusing Super Bowl will have a zip line for fans to try out, a line of drunken casualties at the bottom of the line  (foxnews.com) (29)
(NYPost) Fail Basket Weaving 101 has been replaced with Drum Circle Pounding 101  (nypost.com) (257)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Eerie pictures from inside a Ghost Village: Site that's been abandoned since World War II gets its only visitors of the year  (dailymail.co.uk) (47)
(Buffalo News) Sappy This year's "twins born in different years" story brought to you by Buffalo, New York  (buffalonews.com) (33)
(The Sun) Spiffy Woman who was bullied over acne and flat chest crowned UK's top pole dancer (w/pic)  (thesun.co.uk) (128)
(Toronto Star) Interesting One second? That's a long exposure. 20 seconds, that's a really long exposure. Try 365 days. Now that is a long exposure  (thestar.com) (67)

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