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Sun January 15, 2012
Source     Fark Headline Comments
(Washington Post) NewsFlash Jon Huntsman drops out of GOP race, disappointing his supporter  (washingtonpost.com) (451)
(Some Mothertruck) Sappy Guy preps '79 GMC Truck ready in order to bring grandson home in same vehicle he brought his son home in: "I'm really excited we're able to do this"  (gastongazette.com) (62)
(3 News New Zealand) Dumbass Man orders a 'Baconator' burger with no bacon. That's the real story here  (3news.co.nz) (128)
(Some Guy) Sad Wife asks to ride in back of ambulance with dying husband. Is instead left by the side of the road in a blizzard  (thechronicleherald.ca) (160)
(Herald-Leader) Cool Some governments use a police chopper to assist officers on the ground chasing a stolen car. The Dutch use F-16s  (kentucky.com) (71)
(Fark) Photoshop Theme: Photoshop a man, a plan, and a canal  (fark.com) (17)
(Some Guy) Sad "8-Year-Old Boy Paralyzed By Bullet Not Slowing Down". Oh sure, blame the bullet  (chicago.cbslocal.com) (78)
(Huffington Post) Sad Gay filmmaker who shot "It Gets Better" video last month decides that it doesn't  (huffingtonpost.com) (464)
(Daily Mail) Hero Mother of eleven refuses to claim benefits  (dailymail.co.uk) (102)
(Des Moines Register) Fail The rising number of hazing incidents--including a recent one where wrestlers sodomized teammates with jump rope--are worrying coaches. Not because it's illegal and disgusting, but because it sullies the storied history of their teams  (desmoinesregister.com) (55)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida The dumbest things Floridians have ever seen their fellow drivers do. "She was eating a bowl of cereal and applying makeup simultaneously"  (sun-sentinel.com) (181)
(Scientific American) Interesting What's Causing One of the Driest, Warmest Winters in History? Here comes the Scientific American  (scientificamerican.com) (126)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Create an alternate cover for a classic novel. LGT inspiration  (amazon.com) (55)
(Some Guy) Obvious New 20 mph sign with radar speed display has one question on driver's minds: will the sign blow up if I hit 100?  (lancashiretelegraph.co.uk) (143)
(MSNBC) Stupid In an effort to isolate themselves from everybody, Iran says that any OPEC country that tries to increase oil production to offset any Iranian oil embargo will be considered an "unfriendly act"  (worldnews.msnbc.msn.com) (168)
(ABC) Followup US Coast Guard Cutter Healy and Russian Tanker Renda moor off of Nome, Alaska, ready to deliver the fuel to rescue a desperate town. Perhaps with this gesture, in the future, the two nations may become friends  (abcnews.go.com) (198)
(LA Times) Cool I scream, you scream, YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. NOW SHADDUP AND GIVE ME MORE ALCOHOLIC ICE CREAM  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (49)
(Seattle Times) Sappy Ugly ass sea otter pups born at Seattle Awwwquarium   (seattletimes.nwsource.com) (47)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Sad Detained at Guatanamo: An innocent man recounts his painful and perplexing stint at Guantanamo. Here come the excuses  (startribune.com) (434)
(Kentucky forward) Unlikely "Drew Curtis makes Farking an art form, propelling quirky humor to national fame"  (kyforward.com) (146)
(Politico) Asinine RIAA on SOPA outrage: "It sure seems like the deck is stacked to ensure no meaningful or balanced debate occurs on an issue that is very important to American jobs and our economy"  (politico.com) (336)
(WOIO) Interesting Missing teen found at the last place investigators thought to look: The library  (woio.com) (45)
(SLTrib) Dumbass Utah's top law enforcement officer accused of plagiariz...er, stealing intellectual property in support of SOPA. Damages estimated at about 28 billion dollars by MPAA/RIAA mathematicians  (sltrib.com) (46)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this swan, lake   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (36)
(Mother Nature Network) Unlikely Leading health expert says that moms' habits in the 1950s launched the obesity epidemic of today. Curse you June Cleaver  (mnn.com) (183)
(News.com.au) Sad Truck crash kills over 200 sheep, according to drowsy workers  (news.com.au) (54)
(CNN) Scary Third-grader Matthew Asselin owns Ferris Bueller's absence record with a monster 53 days out due to "illness"  (cnn.com) (111)
(STLToday) Hero Normally, Subby would rather pull his own hair out than spend time with a chatty, 9 year-old third grade girl. But then there's this one. She knits hats for kids who don't get to pull their hair out, and I'll do whatever she says  (stltoday.com) (96)

Sat January 14, 2012
(Some Guy) Asinine Police feel they did nothing wrong by interrogating a 12 year old for hours with the camera "accidentally" turned off and getting to confess to a crime he denied doing before and after the "confession"  (commercialappeal.com) (314)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Snap, Crackle, Arrrrggg  (laist.com) (39)
(Yahoo) Spiffy Royal Navy captures 13 pirates. This is not a repeat from 1745  (uk.news.yahoo.com) (60)
(Examiner) Followup Teen atheist showered with Christian love  (examiner.com) (910)
(Boston.com) Photoshop Photoshop this man on a mop  (cache.boston.com) (32)
(Washington Post) Amusing Two middle-schoolers use stolen passwords to erase class information and send out "poorly written pornographic e-mails." There were some subject-object problems and they did it Chicago style instead of MLA  (washingtonpost.com) (83)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop these men of vast reading  (cdn1.spiegel.de) (30)
(Some Guy) Silly Not news: Man and woman have consensual sex. Still not news: He's married. FARK: She is suing him for 'Seductive Damages'  (zimbabwemetro.com) (168)
(ABC) Silly US Department of the Interior agrees to change quote on the MLK Memorial after Maya Angelou points out he never said it  (abcnews.go.com) (153)
(The Union Leader) Weird "Court finds state violated Bigfoot's right to free speech." Then it gets weird  (unionleader.com) (44)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Need a CT scan but you're a wee bit too large for the hospital equipment? Well there's always the zoo. Moooove along folks nothing to see here  (dailymail.co.uk) (120)
(SFGate) Dumbass Art teacher arrested for teaching broad strokes to 16-year-old student. Where were the teachers like this back when... oh, wait  (sfgate.com) (106)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Thanks in large part to the efforts of your sister-in-law, the US is now the biggest consumer of wine in the world  (plushasia.com) (88)
(Some Guy) Strange Wait a minute. You mean in real life terrorists really do attach cheap plastic alarm clocks to their bombs?  (asiaone.com) (58)
(AZCentral) Obvious Another family discovers they can't afford the power bills or the property tax on the big new home built for them in an "Extreme Makeover" episode  (azcentral.com) (215)
(Some Girl) Caption Caption this presidential hopeful and his weapon of choice  (i.usatoday.net) (53)
(Mother Nature Network) Interesting How to roast your own coffee beans: First, buy a roaster. Then buy some coffee beans. Next roast the beans for ten minutes at 383-degrees if you want cinnamon roast, but 410-degrees if you want... awww, screw this, I'm going to Starbucks  (mnn.com) (129)
(3 hots & a cot) Cool If only they were all this easy. Man robs bank, hails cab & then calls 911 to turn himself in. That he's homeless and it was 14 degrees the previous night probably had nothing to do with it  (wcpo.com) (43)
(NYPost) Obvious Juror says one-legged, Bentley-driving, Rolex-wearing millionaire vs. stripper, vegan chef and expert in tantric massage was "an interesting case"  (nypost.com) (39)
(Yahoo) Scary If you would like a Russian Mars probe, this weekend could be your unlucky day  (news.yahoo.com) (25)
(Some Plastic Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this Plastic Pulverizing Primate  (i.imgur.com) (33)
(Some Guy) Interesting One hurt in crash outside Coca-Cola plant. Police speculate the driver of the Mello Yello car was Fantasizing about Mr. Pibb before the car was Crushed  (nbcconnecticut.com) (37)
(kptv.com) Caturday 28-pound cat up for adoption. He's large and in charge this Caturday  (kptv.com) (lots)
(NPR) Unlikely Today's news story that is definitely not propaganda planted by the DEA as part of the War on Drugs: "Woman Injects 'Bath Salts,' Loses Arm To Flesh-Eating Bacteria"  (npr.org) (179)
(Richmond Times-Dispatch) Strange So baseball bats and hot grease it is then? Very well . . . EN GARDE  (www2.timesdispatch.com) (21)
(Daily Mail) Sad Missing algebra teacher found dead -- investigators looking to solve for why, query ex  (dailymail.co.uk) (73)
(Canoe) Asinine Man turns on bathroom faucet, dies suddenly. Is discovered three weeks later. Of course the city wants the $500 for the water used during that time, what do you think?  (cnews.canoe.ca) (107)
(Canoe) Dumbass Two men charged after fatal race between snowmobile, pickup and ATV. The snowmobile lost, by the way  (cnews.canoe.ca) (35)
(io9) Strange Have you ever been at a zoo and had the feeling that the ostriches were checking you out? Turns out, they were  (io9.com) (90)

Fri January 13, 2012
(Post Crescent) Unlikely Apparently, there can be such a thing as too much cowbell. At least, according to the Oshkosh Police Department  (postcrescent.com) (48)
(The Consumerist) Spiffy Why the United States needs to take pennies out of circulation. They're disgusting, annoying, smelly things that have no place in modern society  (consumerist.com) (219)
(My San Antonio) Cool Sometimes, you just have to send a lawyer a sketch of a t-rex waiving a white flag  (blog.mysanantonio.com) (51)
(Washington Post) Strange ...and does not the Bible say, in Genesis 2:2, "And on the seventh day, He got drunk, climbed a tree, and shot at some deer"?  (washingtonpost.com) (27)
(Telegraph) NewsFlash Cruise Ship Captain: "We're on a collision course, please divert 15 degrees North". Response: "Recommend you divert your course, this is a Lighthouse. Your call"  (telegraph.co.uk) (579)
(USA Today) Spiffy Despite gays in the military, cussing on television, violent video games, and declining church attendance, smitings are at record low levels  (usatoday.com) (54)
(Some Guy) Stupid We all know it can be a chore to check how well your handgun has held up over the years, but walking around a densely populated urban area randomly firing your .38 is cutting a few too many corners  (today.seattletimes.com) (23)
(Some Guy) Spiffy Dog saves owner's life from abusive boyfriend. Battered women's shelter takes in both. Spiffy tag standing in because Hero tag has something in its eye  (lifewithdogs.tv) (160)
(Wall Street Journal) Interesting New theme restaurant in Tokyo offers 500-calorie lunches. Sounds yummy, I'll take three  (blogs.wsj.com) (48)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this bad hat  (thenews.pl) (25)
(Fark) FarkParty Fark Party Chicago - 14 JAN - Lincoln Tap Room - 7pm  (fark.com) (140)
(Some Nanny) Asinine Couple clears weeds and trash from public land near their home. Does the city a) thank them b) reward them or c) tell them to buy a license for the work or put the weeds back?  (mailonsunday.co.uk) (111)
(AL.com) Sappy Nice: 7-year old boy loves to swim. Cool: He swims competitively and is a finalist for national prize. Fark: He has no legs and only one arm  (blog.al.com) (62)
(News.com.au) Amusing Stationery chain offers porn-themed products in back-to-school sale. Who could possibly have a problem with that?  (news.com.au) (25)
(Quad City Times) Hero Lawmaker wants to make it illegal for people to wear pajamas in public  (qctimes.com) (194)
(Mirror.co.uk) Followup Man sentenced for trying to bury girlfriend alive in cardboard. He should have been thinking outside the box  (mirror.co.uk) (44)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Man faces felony after breaking into girl's dorm. "He also said he had drank four beers at a fraternity earlier, but police didn't say which one". Subby will take a guess here and say Genny Cream Ale  (centredaily.com) (89)
(CBS News) Interesting U.S. efforts in Afghanistan finally beginning to bear fruit as opium profits jump 133%, now comprise 9% of country's GDP. USA USA USA  (cbsnews.com) (96)
(Daily Mail) Followup Japanese department store is very f*ckin' sorry about huge posters advertising massive f*ckin' sale  (dailymail.co.uk) (79)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Cops in uniform caught meeting up in empty parking lot and playing football. (with pics) Some people have a problem with this  (13wmaz.com) (83)
(Reuters) Cool Buy $15 worth of wooden crates at The Russian Container Store and receive 79 free Kalashnikov rifles  (reuters.com) (75)
(Boston.com) Photoshop Photoshop this Blade Runneresque scene  (inapcache.boston.com) (37)
(cfnews13.com) Florida Man accused of choking swan at lake. This is not a euphemism  (cfnews13.com) (50)
(Chicago Tribune) Followup Van der Sloot extends Peruvian vacation till 2039  (chicagotribune.com) (116)
(Buzzfeed) Silly Sixty completely unusable stock photos  (buzzfeed.com) (305)
(Washington Post) Unlikely Woman claims she cared for and fed all 82 dogs on a regular basis. Plus, her lawn probably looks awesome  (washingtonpost.com) (28)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida Out, out, baby  (palmbeachpost.com) (53)
(WWL) Fail Cousins go to house to smoke pot, the guy that tagged along discovers a stash of guns, opens fire on occupants with their own guns, owner returns fire but is killed, police give chase, car crashes, cops shoot all three. The Aristocrats  (wwl.com) (95)
(Huffington Post) Dumbass Woman says her fake penis got her fired from her job.... big deal lady, my real one has gotten me fired from at least a dozen  (huffingtonpost.com) (91)
(Fark) Survey Welcome to the Fark Weird News Quiz. Delightfully pantyhose-free  (fark.com) (28)
(The Week) Amusing McDonald's to start putting books in Happy Meals, instead of toys. "I'll take fat and well-read over skinny and illiterate any day"  (theweek.com) (88)
(MSNBC) Interesting "Younger, less educated, underpaid Americans are the group most likely to fall for schemes of digital criminals peddling fake charities, rogue antivirus software or myriad other cons." Ah, the salt of the earth. You know...morons  (redtape.msnbc.msn.com) (111)
(Hartlepool Mail) Obvious When you're Dyke House, and you install unisex toilets for secondary school kids, you better be ready for parental butthurt, lickety-split  (hartlepoolmail.co.uk) (56)
(ABC) Sick Catholic German priest admits to 280 counts of being a Catholic priest  (abcnews.go.com) (112)
(Fark) Advice Is there a way to unstretch pantyhose by washing them or something? I don't want my wife yelling at me again  (fark.com) (612)
(Salon) Amusing Headline asks: "I like to watch women watch men fight. Am I normal?" Answer: No. You are not. Normal is being a man who likes to watch two oiled women fight in a tub of jello. While men watch  (salon.com) (57)
(The Morning Call) Dumbass ♫ Spider-Man ♫ Spider-Man ♫ Gets stuck in a vent 'cause he can ♫ He is drunk off his ass ♫ No, his skills aren't first class ♫ WATCH OUT ♫ We caught the Spider-Man ♫  (mcall.com) (33)
(Chicago Tribune) Scary US warning of terror threat in Bangkok, believe it could happen anywhere, be it bars, temples, or 'massage parlors, even chess matches  (chicagotribune.com) (64)
(Jacksonville Daily News) Dumbass Jailed man accused of hiding handgun in rectum. Damn near killed him  (jdnews.com) (40)
(Talking Points Memo) Obvious New documents reveal Osama bin Laden was a huge American Idol fan. Proof positive that American Idol is a threat to American values   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com) (38)
(The Daily Beast) Interesting Newly released FBI files show that the in 2000's they were preparing a massive RICO case against an organization involved in gun-running, money laundering, drugs, and car-jackings. Was it: A) The mafia? B) MS-13? or C) The Wu-tang Clan?  (thedailybeast.com) (48)
(Vice.com) Ironic Rep. Lamar Smith, author of SOPA legislation, is a copyright violator  (vice.com) (92)
(MSNBC) Sad US aid to Sudan helps....helps fund genocide  (msnbc.msn.com) (34)
(NYPost) Followup Target shopping cart victim was just "mostly dead"  (nypost.com) (64)
(Canoe) Sad Natalee Ann Holloway, dead at age 25  (cnews.canoe.ca) (123)
(Guardian) Asinine They can take away my bacon when they pry it from my cold, cancer-ey pancreas  (guardian.co.uk) (29)
(NYPost) Strange Judge Sunshine rains on divorced mother's FaceTime with her son  (nypost.com) (43)
(WTAM) Cool Check please  (wtam.com) (32)
(Fox News) Interesting Scientists now able to show what goes on inside the mind of the average Farker  (foxnews.com) (56)
(AZCentral) Scary Taxi crashes into auto repair shop. That's convenient  (azcentral.com) (13)
(ABC) Fail Pirates In Outboard Skiff:0 Spanish Warship:1  (abcnews.go.com) (142)
(Miami New Times) Florida Man takes mug shot completely covered in white powder. This is why you don't let your unemployed second cousin guard the stash  (blogs.miaminewtimes.com) (46)
(MSNBC) Sad Mortuary fire incinerates hundreds... in other news, mortuary employees set for week off  (msnbc.msn.com) (31)
(Some Guy) Strange Not news: College student gets drunk after consuming ten drinks. Fark: And then breaks into a museum and tries to steal a claw from the real 20-foot skeleton of a giant ground sloth  (dispatch.com) (48)
(Houston Chronicle) Interesting Up next on Man vs. Food Adam takes the 'marijuanapeños' challenge. It's too damn hot to eat but you just can't stop  (chron.com) (49)
(Yahoo) Obvious Federal Judge, who's gonna need surgery to remove his palm from his face, orders RI public HS to remove "School Prayer" mural, rejecting the schools argument that the mural was "purely secular"  (news.yahoo.com) (330)
(WESH Orlando) Florida Man charged with posing as a dentist and performing illegal dentistry, which caries a stiff penalty  (wesh.com) (32)
(SFGate) Fail Bank robbers, car crashes, citizen delivering a smackdown, high school lockdown, highway closure, traffic nightmare, a robot and an explosion, or as it's called in San Jose, CA "Thursday"  (sfgate.com) (24)
(Telegraph) Asinine After documentary exposes disabled children in Turkey are tied to their beds all day and not fed, Turkish government springs into action and charges the Duchess of York with violating the privacy of children  (telegraph.co.uk) (107)
(BBC) Followup Coppers clip two more over Comber murder, still looking for tips before the scene is completely barren. It's the style of good policework  (bbc.co.uk) (4)
(Slate) Obvious If you're so smart, why ain't you hot? Well: 2u + 1/2(2u) + 1/4(2u) + 1/8(2u) + 1/16(2u) + ... = 4u  (slate.com) (179)
(BBC) Followup Gleision fund reaches £970,000, will soon go to the moon  (bbc.co.uk) (15)
(Some Guy With Ill-Fitting Gloves) Followup OJ deemed safe. That is, of course, unless your last name is "Brown" or "Goldman"  (kimt.com) (21)
(The Sun) Amusing Monkeys love boobies, too  (thesun.co.uk) (54)
(CBC) Unlikely It's Friday the 13th, a day in which close to one billion dollars is lost from people missing work because too scared to leave their homes, losses to airlines from fear of flying, and mirror breakage  (cbc.ca) (94)
(Some Guy) Obvious If you're a top official in the Game and Fish Department, you probably shouldn't take your friends out on illegal bear hunts  (adn.com) (30)
(Some Guy) Fail Coach's husband admits setting up video camera to spy on volleyball team's slumber party. I'D DO IT AGAIN. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I'D DO IT AGAIN  (kirotv.com) (107)
(Some Guy) Obvious 50-year-old news anchor with more than 20 years experience is shocked to discover she's being replaced by her 26-year-old female co-anchor  (bismarcktribune.com) (88)
(Yahoo) Cool Two Frenchmen use metal detectors to search WWI battlefields for lost dog tags. However instead of selling them to collectors they search for descendants of the soldiers who lost them. "Vive la France"  (news.yahoo.com) (78)
(BBC) Followup Police find no evidence of an explosion in Derry, but that standpipe didn't collapse on its own  (bbc.co.uk) (51)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass If you sell a broken car, you are a douche, if you sell a broken monkey, you go to jail  (dailymail.co.uk) (17)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Dominic Strauss-Kahn's defense: "At these parties, people were not dressed, and I defy you to tell the difference between a naked prostitute and any other naked woman"  (dailymail.co.uk) (54)
(Mirror.co.uk) Followup That woman with two vaginas? Yeah, she visits sex clubs with her husband, can do rare QVDA  (mirror.co.uk) (157)
(The Atlantic) Photoshop Photoshop this man's moves  (cdn.theatlantic.com) (27)
(Dayton Daily News) Scary "So I figured, when's the next time I'm going to be in Dayton, Ohio?"  (daytondailynews.com) (102)
(Daily Mail) Obvious 17-year-old boy goes to school dressed as a girl. Yes, some people have a problem with this (w/pics)  (dailymail.co.uk) (192)
(Daily Mail) Scary At your university, professors have minor spats about academic matters. At Oxford University, they just straight up murder their rivals  (dailymail.co.uk) (49)
(Discovery) Unlikely ᘃ ᘣ ᘣ ᘣ = £1,000  (news.discovery.com) (56)
(Telegraph) Sad Dwarf left paralyzed and Grumpy after being thrown by Dopey drunk. Doc tells him he may need a wheelchair, so he's not Happy  (telegraph.co.uk) (43)
(WMCTV) Fail Memphis man ignores ages old rule, brings sledge hammer to gunfight  (wmctv.com) (40)
(Yahoo) Scary Bed Bath & Beyond pulls tissue holders from market because of glowing reviews. And by glowing, they mean they're made with Cobalt 60  (news.yahoo.com) (80)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Stupid Ohio Highway Patrol: We don't want the speed limit raised on interstates raised to 70 because it might cut into ticket revenue...err, "because it diminishes traffic safety"  (news.cincinnati.com) (162)

Thu January 12, 2012
(WWSB ABC 7) Florida Home invasion suspect located hiding in dryer, lemony fresh  (mysuncoast.com) (26)
(Washington Post) Sad Thirty years ago, an unlucky group of airline passengers went swimming in the Potomac River instead of Florida. Here's why all of aviation is now safer for it  (washingtonpost.com) (102)
(WTSP) Florida Cool: High school students write letters, thanking Muslim leader for explaining Islam to class. Fark: Christian family association sends over 3,500 emails, condemning Muslim leader's visit  (wtsp.com) (233)
(SacBee) Interesting Lupus Research Institute launches bold global research initiative to uncover the root causes of why it's not lupus  (sacbee.com) (45)
(Fox News) Spiffy Labor Department offers $20 million in grants for organizations to help former prisoners find work so they can get their lives back in order. Surprisingly even Fox News doesn't have a problem with this  (foxnews.com) (77)
(MSNBC) Sick Say there, Mr. Law-Abiding Citizen, having trouble finding work? Can't even get a crappy job in a call center? Maybe it's because companies are using inmates to fill positions at $0.50/hour  (usnews.msnbc.msn.com) (270)
(Some Slithy Tove) Photoshop Photoshop Theme: Illustrate lines from the poem Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll  (jabberwocky.com) (34)
(Huffington Post) Unlikely Iran: "Our nuclear scientists are randomly asploding." USA: "Wasn't us." Israel: "I understand there has been a problem with suicides among the scientists, LOL"  (huffingtonpost.com) (265)
(io9) Amusing FOR VICTORY.. Daleks invade NASA in disguise  (io9.com) (116)
(NJ.com) Interesting Vow: Allow snow plow tow now  (nj.com) (60)
(The New York Times) Cool New York City health department has found their newest spokesperson against the dangers of super-sizing: a diabetic amputee. Naturally, some people have a problem with this. Mostly, though, they work for fast food companies   (cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com) (127)
(Wikipedia) Photoshop Theme: If Don Draper made ads for Internet companies  (en.wikipedia.org) (13)
(Some Guy) Amusing The Museum of Sex is seeking a hard working individual endowed with...hey THERE'S A MUSEUM OF SEX  (coroflot.com) (100)
(CBS) Stupid This one time at band camp, I stuck my $10,000 flute in a taxi  (boston.cbslocal.com) (70)
(Daily Mail) Florida Fort Myers: a hop, skip, jump, and Devil's Chair away from Guantanamo Bay  (dailymail.co.uk) (101)
(IndyStar) Asinine Cops. It's what's for dinner  (indystar.com) (67)
(BBC) Scary By the way, has anybody seen Ichabod?  (bbc.co.uk) (65)
(The New York Times) Asinine NY Times public editor is "looking for reader input on whether and when New York Times news reporters should" do their damn jobs  (publiceditor.blogs.nytimes.com) (140)
(Some Guy) Hero "He kept trying to get his gloves off and saying he was going to shoot me, but I don't think he had a gun, so I just kept punching him"  (ketv.com) (133)
(The Local (Sweden)) Amusing Resistance is futile  (thelocal.se) (28)
(The Smoking Gun) Dumbass Just to remind you, if your crack dealer sells you sugar instead of the desired product, let it go. Calling 911 isn't going to help  (thesmokinggun.com) (26)
(The Local Norway) Amusing Mouse gets to fly to Oslo, solo. Crew members hunt in desperation, a rope ends it  (thelocal.no) (25)
(Washington Post) Spiffy Karen, take it easy... I love you. You know I love you. Be careful, baby. Don't. Just put it down. You're all I want, Karen. Please put the gun down  (washingtonpost.com) (56)
(Chicago Tribune) Silly You can go ahead and close the voting for mugshot of the week  (chicagotribune.com) (63)
(CBS 46 Atlanta) Scary Drunk, high on meds and going 100 miles per hour the wrong way down the interstate is no way to go through l- holy crap, did she really do that? And she lived? Wow. At this point I'm just impressed  (cbsatlanta.com) (111)
(Medical News Today) Followup Remember that study that showed red wine was good for you? Yeah, turns out the 'researcher' made it all up. Besides, everyone knows hard liquor is the key to healthy living  (medicalnewstoday.com) (95)
(Some Canuck) Amusing Canadian government to replace mouthwash with vodka. Their best idea since EVER  (z1043.com) (81)
(NJ.com) Scary My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who knows the kids who were stabbed during lunch break at Ferris High School  (nj.com) (49)
(Short List) Dumbass The mere existence of the $1,500 business card  (shortlist.com) (149)
(abc local) Dumbass Female teacher plays "Words With Friends" with student, both agree on the phrase 'hook-up'  (abclocal.go.com) (65)
(BBC) Fail If you can tell the difference between a kidney and a liver, there's a surgeon in Wales who could do with some remedial training  (bbc.co.uk) (23)
(BBC) Asinine Nuclear fear has nothing to do with the cold war, Chernobyl, 3 Mile Island or Fukushima. It's James Bond's fault. Your dog wants a dry martini, shaken not stirred  (bbc.co.uk) (71)
(BBC) Asinine Putin is 'too busy' to participate in presidential debates, also he can't find his shirt  (bbc.co.uk) (26)
(Guardian) Dumbass You'll be happy to know that the three-second rule also applies to human hearts  (guardian.co.uk) (35)
(Daily Mail) Interesting You know who else liked brunettes?  (dailymail.co.uk) (54)
(Some Guy) Strange High school girls get a motherf**king mysterious disorder that's very similar to Tourette's Syndrome  (wgrz.com) (80)
(SeattlePI) Interesting Finally, we can stop using the Sonic-Care Toothbrush for sex  (blog.seattlepi.com) (81)
(Yahoo) Obvious You feeling great right now because a girl just walked up to you and hugged you, but seriously, check your pockets  (uk.news.yahoo.com) (39)
(ABC) Scary 10 Goto Hospital; 20 Get Legionnaires; 30 Goto 10;  (abcnews.go.com) (64)
(Some Bearded Guy) Silly La Grange man trapped in car wash for 36 hours, HAW HAW HAW  (kinston.com) (53)
(Some SOPA Fearing Guy) Fail Comcast's Lawyers: "We think SOPA is just the bestest idea ever ever." Comcast's Technical Experts: "Uh, it's unpossible for us to be SOPA compliant." Now what, Beeyotches?  (theverge.com) (180)
(BBC) Followup Three arrested over Comber murder. Cops say the scene was hairy  (bbc.co.uk) (11)
(WFTV) Florida Casey Anthony says her computer was hacked. Cops tell her they'll begin searching for suspects in about 31 days  (wftv.com) (137)
(Some Guy) Scary If your erection lasts more than 4 hours you went to the wrong penis tattoo artist  (wlky.com) (64)
(TC Palm) Florida Man calls 911 while in taxi and claims he's being kidnapped to avoid paying cab fare. Because this is Florida, he makes seven more 911 calls when the first fails and gets his drunk self thrown in jail  (blogs.tcpalm.com) (4)
(My Fox DC) Interesting I, for one, am appalled by the way the lingerie models paraded half-naked around the art gallery, and to show my outrage, will only watch the video alone in the basement 7 more times  (myfoxdc.com) (138)
(Some Gassy Guy) Obvious Protip: When planning a car-jacking, be sure to pick a car with a full gas tank  (wrcbtv.com) (11)
(Salon) Misc New book claims that BDSM isn't so bad. Not that your girlfriend won't still think you are weird for asking for a spanking while wearing a latex body suit  (salon.com) (108)
(Some Guy) Misc God bless topless bars...and women  (thebradentontimes.com) (412)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Protip: After stealing baseball and sports memorabilia, don't offer to sell them back to the person you stole them from in the first place  (tampabay.com) (9)
(Some Guy) Sad Kathleen Edward, the Michigan girl who was taunted by her neighbor, passes away at nine years old  (detroit.cbslocal.com) (311)
(STLToday) Obvious medIa insiSts they'Re bAffled, have no idEa who is going after nucLear scientists  (stltoday.com) (164)
(The New York Times) Sad The latest simple snack to be ruined by foodie hipsters: the marshmallow   (tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com) (197)
(Some Guy) Scary The Lincoln MKZ concept received a smoking hot reception at the Detroit Auto Show  (autoblog.com) (77)
(USA Today) Spiffy You always pay full price for the first. The second's just a little bit cheaper. But after that...hey, bargain city  (usatoday.com) (51)
(STLToday) Interesting Grandma got run over by a white tail..Walking on the lot one Thursday Eve  (stltoday.com) (22)
(The Tennessean) Ironic Workers at the headquarters for parking giant Central Parking anger locals by taking all their on-street parking  (tennessean.com) (74)
(Sun Sentinel) Followup White whale defends decision to kill hammerhead sharks  (sun-sentinel.com) (122)
(Stuff.co.nz) Interesting The name's Bond. James Bond. My friends call me Harriette  (stuff.co.nz) (33)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop ESOC  (cdn1.spiegel.de) (30)
(Metro) Strange Hulk ROB  (metro.co.uk) (27)
(Jacksonville.com) Florida Sir, you've been in an accident and skinned your knee, so we're rushing you to the emergency room. IT'S THE LAW  (jacksonville.com) (121)
(KMOV St. Louis) Stupid Burn those biscuits? That's a cleaverin'  (kmov.com) (36)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida Couple walking on the beach capture the Loch Ness babby  (blogs.palmbeachpost.com) (27)
(AP) Sad In this week's enthralling episode of "Muslim in 'Merika," we meet a Connecticut college student hunted down by the FBI after her school reported her as a terrorist for making a sexual harassment claim  (hosted.ap.org) (122)
(The Local (Sweden)) Fail When you hear the traffic in the tunnel below you has been stopped, you might want to STOP DRILLING  (thelocal.se) (39)
(The Times of India) Sick What could be worse than lying, paralyzed, in a hospital bed in India? Rats  (timesofindia.indiatimes.com) (60)
(WGAL 8) Amusing NYC subway workers launch "Rate My Rat" website. Upload your pic today  (wgal.com) (71)
(STLToday) Scary School districts' requirement that all students wear "health monitors" 24/7 that record their every move and vital statistic is not a repeat from 1984  (stltoday.com) (77)
(Some Guy) Asinine ACLU: 92% of Gitmo detainees were never Al Qaeda. 86% turned over to coalition forces for a bounty. Youngest was 13. Oldest was ... 98. Over 200 FBI Agents reported abusive treatments. Bush released 532 prisoners. Obama: 68. 171 left  (aclu.org) (178)
(NBC New York) Scary First they came for the smokers and I didn't speak up because I don't smoke  (nbcnewyork.com) (231)
(The Sun) Amusing Honey, you KNOW a Porsche can't fly. Neither will the fighter jet I bought instead. But at least the Sun is here...honey?  (thesun.co.uk) (45)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 349: "Bacon". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme  (farktography.net) (83)
(Life.com) Misc When taken together, the three most disconcerting words in the English language are ... Maximum. Security. Shampoo  (life.com) (29)

Wed January 11, 2012
(Some Guy) Cool BBC lists the world's coolest movie theaters. Unless you live in Texas, or New York.. yours isn't on the list  (bbc.com) (112)
(ABC) Followup US Amish say not guilty in beard-cutting attacks. Wait, what happened to Katie Holmes???  (abcnews.go.com) (43)
(NYPost) Followup Pro skateboarder thinks he was the Hulk when he went on naked wild hotel rampage, blames booze and drugs  (nypost.com) (42)
(News.com.au) Sad Graffiti artist tagged by train  (news.com.au) (103)
(Buffalo News) Interesting The next time some guy from Buffalo claims he has a Michelangelo painting stashed under his couch, you might not want to drag him to the mental hospital just yet  (buffalonews.com) (37)
(The Times of India) Obvious Dear Mr. Kotter: Please excuse Juan for being absent from class. He was busy helping the National Investigation Agency bust a fake note gang. Signed, Epstein's Mother  (timesofindia.indiatimes.com) (37)
(BBC) Cool "World's smallest frog discovered" It's so cute you'll croak  (bbc.co.uk) (49)
(Some Guy) Scary "Bomb Explosion Destroys Bridge in Sulu." OH MY  (mindanews.com) (35)
(Some Cat Owner) Photoshop Photoshop theme: "Why yes, I do have a cat. How could you tell?" (LGT inspiration)  (2.bp.blogspot.com) (59)
(SeattlePI) Amusing Washington State Supreme Court to rule on landmark case "Emotionally Distressed Cop vs. Burger King Employee Who Spit In His Whopper"  (seattlepi.com) (78)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Meet the woman who lost her virginity twice. You'd hit it. And again  (dailymail.co.uk) (203)
(Telegraph) Stupid Video apparently shows U.S. Marines urinating on bodies of dead Taliban fighters. Naturally, some people are pissed off about this  (telegraph.co.uk) (295)
(Fox News) Sick You kids don't know how easy you had it. When I was your age, I had to walk 20 miles uphill to a two-room schoolhouse with a 4' by 6' "scream room" where they would put the retarded kids. And we LIKED it  (foxnews.com) (84)
(The Consumerist) Ironic Crab soup recalled for containing crab  (consumerist.com) (30)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Pakistan plans Operation Closing the Barn Door  (dailymail.co.uk) (9)
(Fox News) Followup North Korea reportedly punishing those who didn't sufficiently mourn the permed pygmy of Pyongyang  (foxnews.com) (64)
(Canoe) Dumbass Stripper jailed for banging man who refused to pay  (cnews.canoe.ca) (177)
(Nola.com) News New Orleans elementary school on lockdown after gunman enters building to hide from police  (nola.com) (60)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this corridor cleaning   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (37)
(Some Guy) Followup Home Depot greeter who had face bit off by Shih Tzu wins settlement that helps her with A) facial reconstruction surgery, B) psychological treatments or C) trip to Disney with her daughter. Also, a pitbull  (ottawasun.com) (246)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Unemployed geology major suing British government for making her serve two-week retail internship to keep her benefits, says stacking shelves is a violation of her special snowflake rights  (dailymail.co.uk) (381)
(Guardian) Amusing If you need ideas for the bedroom tonight, do you c) ask a German football team?  (guardian.co.uk) (54)
(Cleveland Plain Dealer) Sick It turns out cleansing women of the devil through acts of sexual intimacy may be illegal  (blog.cleveland.com) (127)
(Some Bridge Guy) Interesting Dawn: Strong enough to move even the largest Interstate highway bridge, yet gentle on your hands. ...wait, what?  (lasvegassun.com) (97)
(Yahoo) Hero When subby has his heart attack he wants these three soccer moms to assist. (With pic of what soccer moms should always look like)  (sports.yahoo.com) (98)
(Some Guy) Dumbass There's dumb and then there's selling pot on the county courthouse lawn dumb  (thenewstribune.com) (29)
(KMOV St. Louis) Strange Cancer Barbie lets kids in on the fun of radiation and chemotherapy  (kmov.com) (60)
(USA Today) Stupid There's been a huge rise in the number of civilians killed or wounded by gunfire as a result of quasi-military police raids, which is naturally leading police to question the tactic. Fark: Because cops might get hurt, too  (usatoday.com) (133)
(PC Magazine) Misc Porn company wants to bring military families closer by distributing a thousand dildos to the military wives  (pcmag.com) (180)
(CNN) Sad Cash strapped parents ignore lump on kid's neck. "It was painless and didn't bother him". In other news, apparently lymphoma is painless  (cnn.com) (221)
(Yahoo) Strange "Quite clearly, some people's attitudes towards tribal peoples haven't moved on a jot. The Jarawa are not circus ponies bound to dance at anyone's bidding." "OOTINI"  (news.yahoo.com) (45)
(The New York Times) Sad News: US Energy companies are fined $6.8 million for not using a specific biofuel in their gasoline and diesel blends. Fark: The ingredient, cellulosic biofuel, does not exist  (nytimes.com) (104)
(BBC) Sad It's okay to object to the prosecutor's line of questioning in court, just not with a gun  (bbc.co.uk) (14)
(Buzzfeed) Weird The 30 best taco-related crimes ever  (buzzfeed.com) (59)
(Slate) Hero Supreme Court to ABC attorney arguing FCC case: "Can you prove that public nudity isn't always indecent?" Attorney points upward, to impressive collection of bare asses carved into frieze ringing Supreme Court chamber  (slate.com) (253)
(Some Guy) Strange Not news: cell phone goes off during NY Phil orchestra concert. News: for five straight minutes. Fark: and continued ringing even after the conductor stopped the orchestra and asked the man with the offending phone "are you finished?"   (super-conductor.blogspot.com) (258)
(National Post) Weird Polish prosecutor who shot self on Monday during a press conference had an $800,000 bounty on his head and wanted to prevent military prosecutors from being replaced by civilians  (news.nationalpost.com) (27)
(BBC) Scary First they came for the nail clippers and I didn't speak out. Then they came for the sippy cups and I was silent. Then they came for the virus tainted civet cat and I said nothing because I like Chinese restaurants  (bbc.co.uk) (11)
(Fox 4 KC) Amusing Tonight on Real Churchwives of Kansas: Pastor Joe marries second wife while still married to first, after first wife used online cheating site to profess love for another man. Jesus  (fox4kc.com) (40)
(NPR) Stupid Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of "The Supremes vs. America," where the Black-Robed Cabal declares arbitration clauses are people, too  (npr.org) (107)
(Yahoo) Scary Without a trace of irony, Pakistan's military issues a statement warning of "grave consequences" in reponse to a statement by the Pakistani prime minister accusing the military of violating the country's constitution  (news.yahoo.com) (38)
(Daily Mail) Cool Mother-of-six saves her own life by coughing up a cancerous tumor, ham sandwich, half a chicken and assorted bon-bons  (dailymail.co.uk) (76)
(Fox News) Scary Has the Mayan Apocalypse claimed its first victims?  (foxnews.com) (66)
(UPI) Scary Not news: man busted with meth. News. In Jakarta. Fark: $34 million worth of meth  (upi.com) (49)
(Gothamist) Obvious Occupy wall street allowed back in Zucotti park "until they do something stupid"......This just in, Occupy Wall Street has been removed from Zucotti park  (gothamist.com) (65)
(The Register) Scary Suicidal Xbox factory workers talked out of entering red ring of death  (theregister.co.uk) (54)
(Stuff.co.nz) Strange Man rescued from pasta machine will knead immediate help for stretch marks  (stuff.co.nz) (27)
(KTLA) Strange Credit card skimmers make off with treasure in Sierra Madre. Suspects include a bearded man in a beat-up fedora and a Mexican man in a giant hat who claimed to be a law enforcement officer but refused to show a badge  (ktla.com) (22)
(Some Guy) Amusing Man stranded at sea is rescued because of his SpongeBob Squarepants boardshorts. "When I stood up and started waving I had them on my head"  (heraldsun.com.au) (15)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Remember ladies, rough sex and hanging laundry voids your breast implant warranty  (myfoxdc.com) (81)
(Fox News) Scary Headline: Sold For Sex, in Our Backyards. Ewwwww  (foxnews.com) (109)
(MSNBC) Misc Our long national nightmare is finally over as Southern Indiana limestone workers end their strike. Finally, we can buy some fresh limestone again. Build limestone houses and furniture. Drive limestone cars  (msnbc.msn.com) (51)
(Life.com) Interesting Rare color photographs from Germany in the 1930s discovered, but inept film developer appears to have emphasized almost exclusively black, red, and white in all the shots. Some people can't get anything reich  (life.com) (75)
(cbs local) Fail If you're a NYC teacher trying to get time off by faking a jury duty note, it's probably a good idea to use a calendar and spell checker  (newyork.cbslocal.com) (51)
(CSMonitor) Unlikely Head of Russian Space Agency isn't blaming its recent string of accidents and failures on foreign sabotage. He's just asking questions  (csmonitor.com) (34)
(Bangor Daily News) Unlikely When it comes to a pedestrian or some guy on a bike, the right of way goes to the one with the biggest knife  (bangordailynews.com) (13)
(BBC) News Another Iranian nuclear scientist has car trouble  (bbc.co.uk) (548)
(Yahoo) Strange Betty Davis knows just what it takes to make a bomb squad pro blush  (news.yahoo.com) (24)
(Some Guy) Dumbass If you have an outstanding warrant for rape, you may want to avoid flirting with a uniformed police officer  (heraldextra.com) (190)
(Gawker) Sick What do you do if you're annoyed that a waiter (at your wife's request) has brought the bill sooner than you prefer? Well, if you're an equity firm CEO/corporate raider, you break the waiter's ring finger, of course  (gawker.com) (152)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida Woman is upset by Judge Judy, so she does the only logical thing and assaults her domestic partner with a hammer  (palmbeachpost.com) (50)
(CNN) Followup "And he hits the kid a couple of times. The boy is crying. He picks him up and throws him overboard. They are in the middle of a harbor, and there is a lot of boat traffic"  (cnn.com) (56)
(MSNBC) Weird Michigan man used to be alive, then he took an arrow to the chest  (usnews.msnbc.msn.com) (53)
(CSMonitor) Interesting U.S. Army chaplains fingered for military sexual assaults  (csmonitor.com) (55)
(BBC) Followup Bangladesh 'war crimes mastermind' arrested, taunted with food  (bbc.co.uk) (7)
(Buzzfeed) Cool Bikini-wearing Chinese bodyguards in training. 許多美麗的乳房  (buzzfeed.com) (97)
(IndyStar) Amusing Arrested man climbs out of back seat, steals town's only squad car, radios in to HQ asking where the cigarette lighter and key to handcuffs are. All this and more on the next episode of "Blues Brothers in Mayberry"  (indystar.com) (18)
(Stuff.co.nz) Strange Boy snags giant crayfish suitable for Christmas dinner, your nightmares  (stuff.co.nz) (75)
(Wikipedia) Photoshop Photoshop Theme: Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate  (en.wikipedia.org) (9)
(Daily Mail) Fail Boners BBQ - where you are cordially invited to go f*ck yourself  (dailymail.co.uk) (89)
(AP) Interesting North Korea rejects "we'll give you food if you don't make nukes" offer, thus marking the first time Kim Jong-un ever turned down an offer of food  (hosted.ap.org) (98)
(The Times of India) Sad Taking "until death do us part" a little too seriously: newly-married couple commits suicide after argument   (timesofindia.indiatimes.com) (68)
(Washington Post) Scary Town in Alaska buried under 15 feet of snow faces shortages of snow shovels, food, fuel and common sense for living there anyway  (washingtonpost.com) (103)
(Daily Mail) Sad Think your mom's basement is small? Try living in a four-foot by two-foot rabbit hutch  (dailymail.co.uk) (109)
(Smh.com.au) Scary Woman given tea and toast instead of an orange. Naturally, all hell breaks loose  (smh.com.au) (73)
(Slate) Obvious This just in: Campaign signs no longer work  (slate.com) (103)
(Time) Interesting "Marijuana smokers performed better on tests of lung function compared to nonsmokers and cigarette smokers" Put that in your pipe and smoke it  (healthland.time.com) (389)

Tue January 10, 2012
(Chicago Tribune) Strange Motorist runs into bowling ball left on street...ruins frame, requires spare  (chicagotribune.com) (48)
(Fox News) Dumbass Woman fakes daughter's death to go to Costa Rica. Employers became suspicious by different fonts on forged death certificate. DAMN YOU COMIC SANS  (foxnews.com) (73)
(Some Guy) Interesting Gay marriage bills are so passé, gay divorce bills are the new cause célèbre for Washington DC  (washington.cbslocal.com) (126)
(The Sun) Silly TV chef apologizes for stealing cheese. Frankly, my dear, I don't give edam  (thesun.co.uk) (71)
(The Times of India) Weird I saw 4,000 turtles seized  (timesofindia.indiatimes.com) (45)
(Detroit News) Photoshop Photoshop this Detroit to Daytona hitchhiker  (multimedia.detnews.com) (40)
(Yahoo) Fail Ready for Fark headline: Toy Recall Nightmare: Build-a-Bear Has Evil Eyes  (shine.yahoo.com) (67)
(China Daily) Scary Oooooh... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   (chinadaily.com.cn) (44)
(Arizona Star) Interesting Woman with gun stuffed in bra busted in Arizona  (azstarnet.com) (74)
(Remote Sensing Guy) Fail State Department of Transportation archaeologists forced to use ground penetrating radar and magnetometers to dispute findings of man holding coathangers  (enterprise-journal.com) (102)
(Komo) Dumbass Police find 23 pounds of marijuana in man's car after he collides with a deer and doesn't stop. With "Dude, wait what?" mugshot  (komonews.com) (71)
(Wired) Followup I'm not saying Iran brought down the American RQ-170 spy drone with flying saucers and force fields... but it was flying saucers and force fields  (wired.com) (87)
(Fox News) Scary Have four or more drinks 4 times a month? Congratulations, you're part of the epidemic of American binge drinkers that a new CDC study has just discovered. EVERYBODY *hic* PANIC  (foxnews.com) (286)
(kcra.com) Sappy Well, that's your problem, right there  (kcra.com) (80)
(3 News New Zealand) Interesting Doomsday Clock moved a minute closer to midnight, proving even atomic scientists aren't immune to 2012 hysteria  (3news.co.nz) (97)
(Washington Post) Dumbass 17-year-old boy picked up by cop outside Motel 6. Then, 17-year-old boy was picked up by cop outside Motel 6  (washingtonpost.com) (83)
(Yahoo) Interesting News: Michigan Treasurer says Detroit to run out of money by May. Other News: Detroit still has money  (news.yahoo.com) (88)
(Some Hamburger Mary) Florida Today's image of the Virgin Mary appearing to Floridians is brought to you by Hamburger Mary's restaurant  (ybor.wtsp.com) (59)
(Des Moines Register) Unlikely Man who passed around pro-KKK fliers in his neighborhood says they were meant to educate, not intimidate  (desmoinesregister.com) (155)
(Cleveland Plain Dealer) Weird We won't be able to get your car fixed today because we need to order the parts. And by order the parts I mean we'll have to steal pantyhose from a 16-year-old girl  (blog.cleveland.com) (56)
(Fark) Photoshop Create a "Fark: The Movie" poster  (fark.com) (27)
(Washington Post) Followup In violation of long-established policy, the FAA decides to do the reasonable thing  (washingtonpost.com) (54)
(Bleacher Report) Spiffy The hottest cheerleader on each NBA team. Sure, it's a slideshow, but it's a slideshow of hot cheerleaders  (bleacherreport.com) (191)
(Some Guy) Weird Unable to find a teacher to molest him, one student opts for the 57-year-old registrar  (beaumontenterprise.com) (46)
(Some Guy) Dumbass As a paramedic, you're trained in various ways to revive an unconscious patient. Pinching her breasts is not one of them  (nhregister.com) (74)
(ABC) Strange Baby born inside-out. That must have been one hell of a birth canal  (abcnews.go.com) (95)
(Some Guy) Fail I don't know what the hell a "dubstep" is but apparently it's making an album with Justin Bieber  (entertainmentwise.com) (159)
(AZCentral) Asinine Peoria schools consider replacing full-time custodians with outsourced part-timers, including high school students working weeknights from 5 to 9. "I thought it would be a great opportunity for students to get work experience"  (azcentral.com) (225)
(Washington Post) Dumbass Hey, GI Joe: Where you goin' with that gun in your hand? I'm goin' down to ol' Somalia, to join al-Shabab and defend Islam  (washingtonpost.com) (54)
(CBC) Dumbass Terrorists have trained mussels and kelp to attack Canadian navy  (cbc.ca) (26)
(Globe and Mail) Asinine Women banned from gynecological conference so that they don't accidentally menstruate on any important research  (theglobeandmail.com) (146)
(My Fox DC) Fail Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle. The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such sport, and for dinner he swallowed a spoon  (myfoxdc.com) (22)
(That's a whole lot of wrong) Sick It's not news, it's incestuous lesbian pedo rape phone porn  (sunshinecoastdaily.com.au) (141)
(The New York Times) Sad "America's detention camp at Guantánamo Bay will have been open for 10 years. For seven of them, I was held there without explanation or charge. During that time my daughters grew up without me"  (nytimes.com) (268)
(Yahoo) Interesting How the threat of Soviet "Loose nukes" was avoided. Apparently, it was the most intense game of shirling ever  (news.yahoo.com) (28)
(Google) Spiffy US ship rescues Iranian sailors at sea. This is not a repeat from Thursday  (google.com) (84)
(Gawker) Asinine While you're out there scraping to make ends meet so you can pay your mortgage, Tiger Woods' ex is building the same $12 million house she just knocked down  (gawker.com) (124)
(Philly.com) Interesting Pennsylvania plans to make the amount of food stamps that people receive contingent on the assets they possess. You hungry? You gonna need to sell that playstation  (philly.com) (250)
(Talking Points Memo) Interesting Feds take down white supremacist twin brothers who fell under the spell of a comely informant with a grenade dangling between her breasts   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com) (88)
(Washington Post) Asinine Having solved all other problems in the state, Maryland lawmaker wants to legislate fantasy football  (washingtonpost.com) (66)
(Slate) Sad We who live in prison, and in whose lives there is no event but sorrow, have to measure time by throbs of pain, and the record of bitter moments  (slate.com) (65)
(Denver Post) Sick Why did the geese cross the road? Because a teen chased them so that they could be run over by his friend in a pick-up  (denverpost.com) (64)
(BBC) Spiffy Restored Roman helmet unveiled to great acclaim. That's funny: When I tried it, I got put on a sex offender list  (bbc.co.uk) (48)
(Yahoo) Interesting Proposed bill in Israel would make "Godwining" a crime punishable by six months in jail and a $25,000 fine. You know who ELSE like to criminalize unpopular speech?  (news.yahoo.com) (218)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass It's not going to be a good day when you check your Facebook account and find that your father has you up for sale  (dailymail.co.uk) (36)
(Canada.com) Obvious Syria's Assad promises "iron fist" and reforms, which isn't a contradiction since previously regime had been using "iron fist with spikes"  (canada.com) (20)
(Wired) Scary India reports completely drug-resistant TB. Must've been the curry  (wired.com) (153)
(Some Guy) Amusing Headline: "High school boy places genitals on lunch table." But the real story is the photograph the editors chose to run, along with what happens when you click it  (phillyburbs.com) (127)
(The Daily Beast) Obvious Using nicotine patches has the same success rate as quitting cold turkey. However, they do give you much better dreams and greatly reduce the homicidal urges  (thedailybeast.com) (128)
(STV.tv) Sad Worker found dead in vat at Glenfiddich whisky distillery. Police have not ruled out that alcohol could be a factor in his death  (news.stv.tv) (121)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida 4 guns + 3 men + 2 dead alligators + 1 sugar cane field = Florida tag  (palmbeachpost.com) (15)
(Some Guy) Sad Passengers on a full bus wouldn't give up their seat to a pregnant woman because in the words of one rider, "She chose to be pregnant"  (dailytelegraph.com.au) (534)
(Some Guy) Stupid The Mancovery from the Mancession has been under way for a while now, but the Womancession, which was never as widely recognized as the Mancession, is only just now starting to lead to a Womancovery   (lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com) (48)
(WFTV) Florida Woman comes face-to-face with six-foot boa constrictor, gets rattled  (wftv.com) (35)
(Sun Journal (Maine)) Dumbass Man calls police to report that someone tried to break into his garage... to steal his marijuana. "Police seized about 25 pot plants, several of them fully matured, and about 14 ounces of processed marijuana"  (sunjournal.com) (69)
(SFGate) Dumbass Wells Fargo-hating "skateboard bandit" gets eight years in pound-me-in-the-thrash prison  (blog.sfgate.com) (41)
(BBC) Asinine Is that a pearlfish coming out of your ass, or are you just happy to see me?  (bbc.co.uk) (28)
(Some Guy) Amusing Japanese department store loses its copy of the 7 words you cannot say on television just in time to start a new advertising campaign, w/Not safe for work language poster results (Language is NSFW)  (guyism.com) (75)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Amusing College degree doesn't pay, says blogger/poet  (startribune.com) (276)
(NW Florida Daily News) Florida If a cop asks you why you have such a large amount of cash, unless you're Huggy Bear don't answer: " I don't have a job, read between the lines"  (nwfdailynews.com) (88)
(The Atlantic) Photoshop Photoshop this cautious crossing  (cdn.theatlantic.com) (28)
(MSNBC) Florida Police: Man Drove Into Flock of Seagulls. Bystander: I ran  (msnbc.msn.com) (56)
(Daily Mail) Unlikely People get happier as they get older, study reveals. NOW GET OFF MY LAWN  (dailymail.co.uk) (79)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Stupid Rum manufacturer to give away 101 free tattoos to people with poor decision-making skills  (suntimes.com) (167)
(CNN) Weird DNA links 1991 killing to Colonial-era family - If thy glove dost not fit, thou must acquit  (cnn.com) (106)
(Des Moines Register) Dumbass Yes, I will assault the police with a stolen stuffed monkey  (blogs.desmoinesregister.com) (37)

Mon January 09, 2012
(SLTrib) Strange And the gayest city in America is... Salt Lake City? Really? Was California asleep during the voting?  (sltrib.com) (162)
(Some Guy) Cool Sad: 7-year-old boy has cancer. Cool: Make-A-Wish grants his wish. Freaking awesome: To blow up a building  (foxtoledo.com) (107)
(Washington Post) Strange Electric spark from homeowner's refrigerator jumps to a dozen cans of insecticide and redefines "bug bomb"  (washingtonpost.com) (30)
(Connecticut Post) Dumbass Good news: You weren't drunk at a DUI checkpoint. Bad news: Your car reeked of marijuana  (ctpost.com) (102)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Comparing Michelle Obama to Marie Antoinette is racist because someone called her "Your Excellency" on Nickelodeon and Marie Antoinette was African-American. Or something like that  (bookwormroom.com) (410)
(Courier Press) Scary Good: Kids stay free at local hotel. Bad: Hotel is home to 24 child molesters  (courierpress.com) (56)
(Some Guys w/Big Bells) Photoshop Photoshop these coniferous characters  (bigpicture.ru) (20)
(WTOP) Stupid Greece rules pedophilia, exhibitionism, and kleptomania disabilities. Qualifies for special parking close to schools, playgrounds, shopping malls  (wtop.com) (79)
(KHOU Houston) Asinine Your four-hour stay at the ER will be $20,211. Would you like to use cash, check, or credit card?  (khou.com) (445)
(AZCentral) Interesting If you think the entire nation has nothing by goodwill for Gabrielle Giffords and her husband, you should read this interview. "Every time I see them on TV it makes me want to vomit"  (azcentral.com) (347)
(Some Elevated Guy) Sad Woman rides elevator to Death. Wow, I've never noticed that button before   (centralillinoisnewscenter.com) (102)
(CTV) News Feds uncover suspected Islamic extremist plot to bomb Tampa; Newsflash and Florida tags dive for cover  (ctv.ca) (295)
(ktvb.com) Spiffy Dog rescued from shaft. Can you dig it?  (ktvb.com) (31)
(The Raw Story) Unlikely Mitt Romney, the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire : "I know what it's like to worry whether you're going to get fired"  (rawstory.com) (311)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida Cops arrest a 25-year-old for writing, 'Justice Equals Liberty' on a sidewalk. In chalk. "Obviously, he had to be stopped"  (orlandosentinel.com) (100)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this man with munitions  (cdn1.spiegel.de) (32)
(Huffington Post) Hero Because not all big brothers are this awesome  (huffingtonpost.com) (240)
(MSNBC) Scary In a desperate attempt to increase sales, Excedrin announces that some high powered painkillers may have "accidentally" been mixed in with their regular pills  (msnbc.msn.com) (58)
(Nola.com) Interesting NAACP banned from participating in New Orlean's MLK Day event. Awkward  (nola.com) (71)
(MSNBC) Sad Forks woman knifed to death by spooning partner  (msnbc.msn.com) (42)
(The Smoking Gun) Followup Meet the drug dealer who wore that "how-to" crack cocaine shirt to court  (thesmokinggun.com) (45)
(Chicago Tribune) Stupid Walgreen's opening up a new flagship store in downtown Chicago. It will feature all the things customers expect from Walgreen's, including a sushi bar, humidor, and manicurist. Wait...what?  (chicagotribune.com) (37)
(Some Guy) Amusing Bronies and Pegasisters invade Manhattan for a sold out BRONYCON. Yes there are photos, wonderful fluffy happy tolerant rainbow photos  (theawl.com) (211)
(TSN) Hero TFer: "If the Steelers lose, I will shave 'TEBOW' in my chest hair. And post pictures." TF never forgets  (tsn.ca) (350)
(Slate) Sick Today's Fark-ready headline: "The long, sordid history of bestiality in America." Apparently, it used to be blamed on the animals  (slate.com) (95)
(NJ.com) Strange Police nab 5-man "Ocean's 11 Gang," suspected of burglarizing 15 homes and not being very good at counting  (nj.com) (25)
(Some Guy) Misc It's Monday. We need funny pictures to help get us over the depression coma, and help supplement that coffee mainline you have going there. Beat the picture in the link. Vote for the funniest. Let's make this vote thingie work for us  (cdn.randomfunnypicture.com) (462)
(MSNBC) Interesting The best and worst run cities in America. Yes, Detroit is on the list, but they can't even be number 1 in sucking  (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com) (103)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Man found passed out from 12 beers while his home burned around him, is a lightweight   (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com) (39)
(Politico) Spiffy Snoop Dogg goes to the White House and asks the burning question of our time: Yo Prez, can we legalize marijuana already?  (politico.com) (232)
(Denver Channel) Dumbass Problem: You want to burn all your love letters to your ex. Difficulty: They're all in email form. Solution: SHUT DOWN NEIGHBORHOOD  (thedenverchannel.com) (46)
(Some Guy) Followup In response to Georgia plan to drug-test welfare recipients, state lawmaker submits bill to require drug testing for state legislators. Hilarity ensues  (onlineathens.com) (509)
(Boston.com) Amusing Hey, I've got an idea...Let's take off our pants and ride the subway(with photos)  (boston.com) (43)
(Chicago Sun-Times) Fail A $45-million Homeland Security program that wastes taxpayers' dollars and fails to make a single citizen more secure? How can that be?  (suntimes.com) (84)
(Some Guy) Dumbass Atlantic Beach mayor arrested for suspicion of DUI. Again. With 1,000 yard stare mug shot goodness  (wmbfnews.com) (32)
(My Fox DC) Interesting Brian's dog already loved cilantro mixed with burned rubber and dirty socks - so it was easy for him  (myfoxdc.com) (29)
(AP) Interesting New England Journal of Medicine celebrates 200 years of publishing key advances like anesthesia, cancer surgery, germ theory, Nazi eugenics, and organ transplants  (lowellsun.com) (46)
(Yahoo) Stupid California state legislator pleads it-was-the-tumor-what-done-it in $2500 shoplifting case  (news.yahoo.com) (57)
(Daily Mail) Obvious Charlize Theron says high heels and grass don't mix, but not for the reason you might think  (dailymail.co.uk) (64)
(Canada.com) Silly Canadian Prime Minister will not be playing hockey against Russian Prime Minister, in case you were wondering  (canada.com) (54)
(BBC) Followup Global warming, as it turns out, is AWESOME  (bbc.co.uk) (235)
(The Local (Sweden)) Spiffy #beskrivdittsex livmedenlåttitel hej raring, jag har en tolv tums penis  (thelocal.se) (100)
(Washington Post) Asinine In these trying times of stretched budgets and massive funding cuts to state universities, it's comforting to know the University of Maryland plans to spend $7.2 million on a new 14,000-square-foot mansion for its president  (washingtonpost.com) (69)
(Telegraph) Scary The PIP breast implant is popular amongst women from Katie Price (aka Jordan) to women having post-mastectomy reconstructive surgery. Men are even putting it in their butts. Plus, it explodes  (telegraph.co.uk) (41)
(Some Guy) Followup Evidence of manbearpig found in Ohio of all places  (cantonrep.com) (28)
(Chattanooga Times Free Press) Amusing Ric Romero's country cousin discovers this neat game called "Skyrim". Wait until they learn about Angry Birds  (timesfreepress.com) (140)
(Some Guy) Strange Thousands line up to donate blood in order to get free ducks and geese  (asiaone.com) (21)
(New York Daily News) Sad No good deed goes unpunished by a train  (nydailynews.com) (30)
(Globe and Mail) Obvious The best way to keep your teenagers from being rude to you is to say, "Yes, you can go to the all-weekend drug-fest sleepover party at the house of that 26-year-old guy who you don't know the name of"  (theglobeandmail.com) (50)
(Daily Mail) Sad Mother has baby induced early so she can meet her dying 10-year-old sister. With pics that may make you call your cleaning lady to remove all the dust in this room  (dailymail.co.uk) (54)
(CNN) Stupid Now that the orgasmic glow of that whole "American navy rescued our sailors from pirates and we said thank you" thing has faded, Iran decides to roll over and sentence a captured American citizen to death  (cnn.com) (122)
(BBC) Obvious Report says that people should go at least two days a week without drinking. Forty-eight non-consecutive hours in a week counts as two days, right?  (bbc.co.uk) (53)
(Local10) Florida How to dress for success in Florida: Man wears "how to cook crack" shirt to court appearance on drug charges  (local10.com) (33)
(Daily Mail) Interesting It only took 60 years, but details finally emerge on how Queen Elizabeth II came to power  (dailymail.co.uk) (70)
(The Local (Sweden)) Obvious "The Butthole", "Deep Arse", "Snot Bog", "Meat Lake", and "Piss Mountain". These are all fantastic names for towns  (thelocal.se) (46)
(Marketwatch) Scary Fed getting ready for another round of "Let's see how much money we can print"  (marketwatch.com) (187)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop this flying dragon  (i.imgur.com) (15)
(Nuke The Fridge) Hero Two-fisted hero of viral video "Star Wars Nerd vs. Punk" bounces back from Stage 3 brain cancer, seeks tax-deductible donations to run Disney World marathon. Still no cure for Han firing first  (nukethefridge.com) (93)
(Deseret News) Hero Nice anti-bribe site, a greenlight would sure help, be nice if you had something to speed that along  (deseretnews.com) (13)
(Daily Mail) Amusing Pub serves beer for dogs, because a bar full of drunk dogs would be hilarious  (dailymail.co.uk) (60)
(New Zealand Herald) Sappy Just a typical love story of boy meets girl, girl gives boy wrong number by mistake, girl finds boy with the help of nationwide internet campaign, girl finds out boy already has a girlfriend and needs to get to the gym in 26 minutes  (nzherald.co.nz) (91)
(WTOP) Ironic Friendly basketball game results in fight, pepper spray, five arrests  (wtop.com) (23)
(Daily Mail) Hero Man devises way to get around 'one bowl, one visit' rule at local Pizza Hut salad bar  (dailymail.co.uk) (181)

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