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Sun June 03, 2012
Source     Fark Headline Comments
(AlterNet) Asinine "Good News" clubs teach children in public schools the Biblical importance of killing all nonbelievers  (blogs.alternet.org) (413)
(KnoxNews) Strange Five arrested in prostitution sting. Article lists their names, ages and distance from a church  (knoxnews.com) (182)
(TechnologyReview) Photoshop Photoshop this power tower technician  (technologyreview.com) (33)
(Times Union) Dumbass Driving drunk and unlicensed, with a kid not even buckled let alone in a safety seat, en route to Family Day? You, sir, win today's round of Moron Yahtzee  (timesunion.com) (64)
(Telegram) Sad Man killed in Spencer fire. The lava lamps must have ignited the blacklight posters  (telegram.com) (58)
(BBC) Sad Passenger jet crashes into apartment building in Nigerian capitol. Over 150 princes, bank officials, widows, and generous cancer-stricken millionaires feared dead  (bbc.co.uk) (197)
(Daily Mail) Scary I'll see your zombie apocalypse, and raise you "swarms of deadly spiders" invading a town in India  (dailymail.co.uk) (112)
(Shorpy) Photoshop Photoshop this woman at the wheel  (shorpy.com) (34)
(Slate) Strange New book is full of girls in their bedrooms, will be read by people who need to have a seat right over there  (slate.com) (185)
(The Detroit_News) Interesting ★☆☆☆☆ Michigan is an uninhabitable swamp. Do not settle  (detroitnews.com) (191)
(BBC) Amusing As part of the Queen's jubilee celebrations, Top Gear presenter James May has built a contraption to fire currant buns into the crowd from the roof of Abingdon Town Hall in a tradition dating back to 1761. Makes subby proud to be British  (bbc.co.uk) (96)
(Some dating site) Interesting New, comprehensive data on all the reasons why people break-up. Bad news for Farkers: drinking too much is #1 reason short relationships end  (blog.wotwentwrong.com) (206)
(Newschannel 9) Fail There is finally a car that's more dangerous to rear-end than a Ford Pinto  (newschannel9.com) (79)
(About.com) Florida Here is the full list of 2012 hurricane names. Wait... Hurricane Kirk?  (geography.about.com) (112)
(Daily Mail) Weird Gold-plated vibrator worth $4,000 stolen from sex shop. "Au, yes ... Au, YES, YES" (with sorta-Not safe for work pic)  (dailymail.co.uk) (86)
(Wikipedia) Strange Subby is going to be in Moscow for the next seven weeks. Does anyone have a place that they recommend to visit, etc?  (en.wikipedia.org) (125)
(Courier Mail) Unlikely The smartphone is killing the art of conversation. Then again, people said that about regular cell phones, and land line phones, and the internet, and television, and radio, and movies, and the telegraph, and smoke signals  (couriermail.com.au) (115)
(ABC) Sad Top 5 answers are on the board: "Name some woman Richard Dawson will kiss inappropriately in heaven." BUZZ "Barbara Bush?" *Silence* GOOD ANSWER, GOOD ANSWER  (abcnews.go.com) (212)
(Mother Nature Network) Spiffy You know those modular classrooms where you had to go for your art and French classes in high school? One company is pimping them out and turning them into stylish and sustainable modular homes  (mnn.com) (55)
(Quad City Times) Sappy Ugly ass baby giraffe born in Southern Illinois zoo. Adorable pictures "я" us  (qctimes.com) (33)
(Mother Nature Network) Spiffy If your neighbors ask if you and your wife are into swapping and suggest having a swapping party at their home on a Saturday night with some of their married friends, it's not what you think  (mnn.com) (52)
(Seattle Times) Unlikely It's a lie  (seattletimes.nwsource.com) (69)
(Mother Nature Network) Strange The hot new baffling non sequitur: Marrying yourself, complete with vows and ceremony. Subby is prepared for the honeymoon  (mnn.com) (78)
(Stuff.co.nz) Misc Hutt robbery "cowardly." Oh, so I suppose hiring intergalactic bounty hunters is the paragon of fearlessness?  (stuff.co.nz) (38)
(Mother Nature Network) Interesting Across America, more and more cities are trying to regulate garage sales. In other news, some people still don't know about Craigslist  (mnn.com) (96)
(Chicago Tribune) Fail Bank robber caught hiding during a game of duct, duct, goose  (chicagotribune.com) (8)
(LA Times) Interesting Criteria for using sugar snap peas: Did someone get told? [Yes] Sugar snap peas  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (27)
(KTLA) Scary You got your peanut butter in my flame retardant. You got your flame retardant in my peanut butter. Two things that are put together more often than you'd think  (ktla.com) (37)
(Spiegel) Photoshop Photoshop this monitor mug on a motorcycle  (cdn4.spiegel.de) (25)
(New York Daily News) Scary Human barcoding: Coming to an Isle near you  (nydailynews.com) (99)
(KnoxNews) Interesting Sex $30. The ride, $10. And the cost for the traffic ticket that got you arrested and your name in the paper for prostitution, priceless  (knoxnews.com) (32)
(BBC) Amusing Cow helps shy Englishman propose to his cow-crazy girlfriend. Thanks, Rosie  (bbc.co.uk) (22)
(CBC) Obvious Your Canadian girlfriend just won an award for how many wieners she can stick in her mouth  (cbc.ca) (66)
(Duluth News Tribune) Amusing Not news: Man gets probation for driving erratically, runing into a wall, getting stuck, and blowing 0.32 when the cops arrived. Fark: On a Zamboni  (duluthnewstribune.com) (23)
(Des Moines Register) Scary Family forced to flee their apartment after their upstairs neighbors start shooting into the floor  (blogs.desmoinesregister.com) (48)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Ladies mount your poles. The RNC is coming  (tampabay.com) (79)
(Some Guy) Survey If you ever did win the lottery, would you give it away or surprise people with it in fun ways?  (image.shutterstock.com) (202)
(SFGate) Fail Criminal Pro-tip: when you steal someone's credit card, don't use your own grocery club card on your shopping spree  (blog.sfgate.com) (18)
(Buzzfeed) Silly The 21 absolute worst things in the world (not a slideshow). Bonus: #21  (buzzfeed.com) (132)
(The Gazette) Strange Egg-ception  (thegazette.com) (23)
(Click On Detroit) Asinine How bad are things in Detroit? Even the fish are being murdered  (clickondetroit.com) (41)
(Buzzfeed) Obvious Nineteen things that will drive your OCD self insane  (buzzfeed.com) (162)
(IMDB) Survey Who were you in high school? Band geek? Emo chick? Math nerd? Deep-in-the-closet homophobe? Captain of the football team? School slut?  (imdb.com) (500)

Sat June 02, 2012
(City TV) Scary Today's mass mall shooting brought to you by Toronto, ON  (citytv.com) (184)
(WCF Courier) Dumbass Iowa school superintendent abruptly resigns after they learn she was using her work email to conduct an extramarital affair, then accepts the same position in Omaha a few weeks later. Omaha officials: "Yeah, about that"  (wcfcourier.com) (89)
(CSMonitor) Followup New radio-transmission analysis provides credible evidence that Amelia Earhart landed on small Pacific atoll and survived for some time, subsisting on mollusks, fish and makeup  (csmonitor.com) (143)
(AZCentral) Asinine Although it is wildly amusing in movies, in real life nobody laughs when you drive off with a baby strapped to a car seat on the roof of your car  (azcentral.com) (60)
(Daily Mail) Cool One advantage of going sleep drunk  (dailymail.co.uk) (67)
(Space) Cool Noted astrophysicist, theoretical astronomer, and Wu-Tang rapper GZA working on new Space-themed CD, "Dark Matter". Cool: He's been studying with physicists and cosmologists at MIT and Cornell, among other universities  (space.com) (98)
(Fark) Photoshop Photoshop theme: If FOX News was actually fair and balanced  (fark.com) (38)
(Some Guy) Interesting Meanwhile, in Prussia  (sanatogapost.com) (37)
(Gawker) Spiffy Best. School absence note. Ever  (gawker.com) (138)
(Some Guy) Sick Student wants to learn about agriculture. Smokin' hot teacher lets him plough her field  (mercedsunstar.com) (105)
(Minneapolis Star Tribune) Stupid Rielle Hunter publishing memoir. It should be as well-received as Monica Lewinsky's  (startribune.com) (32)
(Huffington Post) Asinine Teacher insults child with racist comment. Mother complains to principal. What happens next? a) teacher suspended b) teacher fired c) child expelled because of mom's complaint  (huffingtonpost.com) (213)
(LA Times) Interesting California would need a $68 billion bullet train to move all the environmental lawyers trying to stop the project  (latimes.com) (140)
(Daily Mail) Amusing "He said that he filmed the pair for twenty minutes and the couple 'didn't care that everyone in my building was staring at them.' "  (dailymail.co.uk) (106)
(Mercury News) Amusing Real-life Waterworld, colonizing the oceans to free human progress from the choking grasp of regulation. Wouldn't it be easier to just pay your taxes?  (mercurynews.com) (143)
(CNN) Dumbass Your husband was killed in a plane crash on a private plane when a drunk passenger assaulted the pilot, causing the plane to nosedive? It makes total sense to sue the estate of the dead pilot, don'tcha think?  (cnn.com) (65)
(Yahoo) Sad Holocaust survivor's estate ordered to return golden Assyrian tablet he looted after WWII to the German museum who looted it from Syria in 1913  (news.yahoo.com) (83)
(Shorpy) Photoshop Photoshop these sons in service  (shorpy.com) (28)
(SFGate) Interesting Ugly-ass coyote pups born in Golden Gate Park, increasing population to 13. Local homeless demand protection, barbecue sauce  (sfgate.com) (34)
(Chicago Tribune) Amusing The pink wines of summer are here. Or you could just turn in your man card right now, Nancy  (chicagotribune.com) (44)
(Komo) Cool Glass platforms proposed for Space Needle. People will be able to look straight down to where they'll land if it breaks  (komonews.com) (47)
(WFAA) Stupid Texas gun range to host kids' birthday party packages. What could possibly go wrong?  (wfaa.com) (215)
(SFGate) Amusing Dum-dums raid snack shop, cheez-it before the cops come, but leave mounds of wrappers behind, allowing police to sound the bugles. Will soon enjoy other prisoners' fun dips and goo-goo clusters. Nerds  (sfgate.com) (25)
(Some Guy) Hero Baby in runaway stroller swerving through traffic saved by alert garbage man. "The baby seemed to be having a great time rolling down the hill... he seemed to enjoy it." (w/vid)  (kimatv.com) (54)
(Some Guy) Spiffy You know how sometimes you're at the lake in your spacesuit and you start craving pizza and a Pegasus suddenly delivers some from a Pizza Hut on a floating iceberg? I love it when that happens   (cheezpictureisunrelated.files.wordpress.com) (60)
(Some Guy) Interesting Who's been installing cameras with license plate readers on utility poles in Upstate New York? Nothing to see here, citizens, move along  (northcountrynow.com) (66)
(SFGate) Asinine LA police officer sets Ferris wheel ride record. 'I'm used to sitting on my ass all day'  (sfgate.com) (33)
(Daily Mail) Dumbass Better luck next time, gravity  (dailymail.co.uk) (39)
(Telegraph) Dumbass Woman faces life in prison after taking blame for: a) murder, b) armed robbery, or c) husband's speeding ticket  (telegraph.co.uk) (28)
(CBS News) Caturday Two ugly-ass endangered Amur leopards born at Minnesota Zoo, just in time for Caturday  (cbsnews.com) (28)
(News Leader) Amusing If you're upset about damage to your truck, don't arm yourself with a knife and chase a pair of police officers into a police station  (newsleader.com) (22)
(Washington Post) Asinine A precious snowflake gets wait listed, so her parents do what any parents would: make an $800 "donation" to a special fund to buy her a spot. Fark: the spot is at a summer camp. Totalfark: the girl is 8  (washingtonpost.com) (117)
(CNN) Scary Bear eats corpse of convicted killer. I bet that was a *puts on sunglasses* Kodiak moment  (cnn.com) (97)
(CBS Boston) Ironic Man badly burned by sunscreen  (boston.cbslocal.com) (56)
(WTKR) Scary Don't you hate it when a tornado rips through your pirate festival camp? (slideshow of storm-shocked pirates)  (wtkr.com) (30)
(Some Blogger) Hero The answer to one of mankind's greatest mysteries has finally been revealed  (patheos.com) (143)
(Some Guy) Silly People are outraged that students with 3.75 GPA can get college athletic scholarships if their parents are rich, Puffy  (wiod.com) (122)
(Some Guy) Florida Jury unable to exercise self control awards $75m to family of man unable to exercise self control  (mega949.com) (76)
(Stuff.co.nz) Strange Burglar steals coins from a fountain. We'll be wishing him well  (stuff.co.nz) (18)
(Fark) FarkParty LAST CALL - TORONTO FARK PARTY Saturday June 2. 1pm baseball game 8pm variety show. DIT  (fark.com) (238)
(TwinCities.com) Spiffy One "Million" "Moms" might also want to avoid Target  (m.twincities.com) (178)
(Some Guy) Amusing For when you want to want to contain the helicopter parents, insulate their snowflakes, or be left alone during festival season  (siouxcityjournal.com) (33)
(US News) Obvious Study finds that American heads are getting bigger/fatter, subby then wonders why he has so much trouble finding hats to fit his size 8 melon  (health.usnews.com) (59)
(BBC) Spiffy British hotel sets world record for widest selection of gin. Now who's for jynnan tonnyx, gee-N-N-T'N-ix, jinnond-o-nicks, chinanto/mnigs or tzjin-anthony-ks?  (bbc.co.uk) (40)
(Some Mazel Tov) Interesting Conservative Jewish leaders issue guidance on same-sex marriage ceremonies. W/ helpful pic of Jewish lesbians, or maybe I should have just started the headline with that  (forward.com) (101)
(Wikipedia) Photoshop Photoshop theme: The elephant in the room  (en.wikipedia.org) (19)
(Telegraph) Sad British Navy hopes no one notices they don't have a navy  (telegraph.co.uk) (86)
(Some Astronomer) Spiffy Concerned about missing the only transfer of Venus for the next couple of hundred years? Your best viewing times follow  (sunaeon.com) (69)
(BBC-US) Interesting If we can't bring a woolly mammoth back to life, why the hell are we screwing with all this DNA anyway?  (bbc.com) (26)
(Daily Mail) Caturday Leopard lives to see another Caturday after escaping cesspool via long ladder lowered by rescuers. Lucky he was spotted  (dailymail.co.uk) (670)
(Fark) FarkParty Sacramento Fark Party, THIS SATURDAY June 2nd 7:00pm Streets of London  (fark.com) (85)
(Some Guy) Stupid Oh, the Dew-manity  (kimatv.com) (45)
(Cecil Daily) Fail "Clean up on Aisle 1..... and 2, and 3, and 4, and"  (cecildaily.com) (32)
(The New York Times) Obvious Good news: The "digital divide" between rich and poor is closing. Bad news: The poor are using the internet to waste time playing games, posting to Facebook, and watching cat videos  (nytimes.com) (143)
(Wikipedia) Spiffy Oh dear lord, YES  (en.wikipedia.org) (59)
(The Columbian) Spiffy The FSM parted his noodley appendages over Washington State today and proclaimed "Let private liquor sales commence"  (columbian.com) (128)
(NYPost) Spiffy You're an enterprising bank robber: You have 30 minutes to knock off 3 banks. GO  (nypost.com) (26)
(My Fox Tampa Bay) Florida Veteran found buried in Florida National Cemetery without casket -- only a cardboard box. Florida Senators outraged  (myfoxtampabay.com) (128)

Fri June 01, 2012
(Washington Post) Caption At the unveiling of the official portrait of President George W. Bush, Joe Biden turned to Karl Rove and said:  (washingtonpost.com) (165)
(Yahoo) Obvious Women who know about their husband/boyfriends' porn usage less happy than women who do not know about it  (news.yahoo.com) (150)
(Daily Mail) Spiffy Smoking hot gun-toting college student: "It's my hobby to blow stuff up." Bonus: Her last name is Savage (w/pics)  (dailymail.co.uk) (212)
(The New York Times) Interesting You know how I know you're gay? Maybe it was your facial width-to-height ratio? The science of 'Gaydar' explained  (nytimes.com) (135)
(Palm Beach Post) Florida "Geberin caught up with the teen, grabbed her by her hair as she said she loved her and then began punching the teen in the face." And that was AFTER things got all stabby  (palmbeachpost.com) (26)
(Edmonton Journal) Hero Principal/School Board to Teacher: Stop giving zeros to students who don't hand in assignments or complete tests, so we can pass them. It's policy. Teacher to Principal/School Board: Fark you  (edmontonjournal.com) (264)
(Slate) Interesting What do people hate most about waiting in a queue? It's not the length of the wait, it's something else entirely  (slate.com) (165)
(Fark) Photoshop Photoshop theme: Remote controls for things that don't need controlling  (fark.com) (27)
(The Raw Story) Scary The CDC has officially declared that no zombie outbreak is underway. "Itchy, tasty," a spokesman added  (rawstory.com) (137)
(Washington Post) Obvious If you're rich enough your kids don't have to take the SAT with the rest of the proletariat slobs  (washingtonpost.com) (73)
(C|Net) Amusing HOLY CRAP. Those zombie garden gnomes just ate my pink flamingo. (Warning: Garden gnome and pink flamingo gore)  (news.cnet.com) (58)
(Some Manatee) Photoshop Photoshop this huge manatee  (craphound.com) (45)
(Fark) Survey Clear your desks, get out your pencils, and have your hot teacher smooth her skirt back down: it's the weekly Fark Weird News Quiz  (fark.com) (42)
(Orlando Sentinel) Followup Turns out judges don't like it so much when you lie to them: George Zimmerman bond revoked for lying about finances   (articles.orlandosentinel.com) (696)
(TMZ) Asinine Indiana church where congregation cheered as toddler sang "Ain't no homos going to make it to heaven," shocked that people have a problem with it, cry that they're being bullied  (tmz.com) (519)
(Some Twit) Amusing "Chivalry isn't dead, you stupid biatch" and 50 other funniest tweets of all time  (mandatory.com) (275)
(YouTube) Ironic Happy 38th birthday, Alanis Morissette  (youtube.com) (180)
(CBC) Interesting Needed for our wedding reception: beer, food, cover band that only plays songs in the public domain so we can avoid the "copyright fee"  (cbc.ca) (100)
(ABC) Dumbass TV weatherman reveals how he was approached by two beautiful strangers in a bar, drugged, and scammed out of $43,000- twice, on two consecutive nights  (abcnews.go.com) (88)
(Some Guy) Obvious What a 26-year-old stripper worthy of a 10-hour police interrogation might look like  (wtae.com) (271)
(Short List) Fail Films not to try and replicate in real life #447: The Shawshank Redemption  (shortlist.com) (56)
(USA Today) Amusing Hey, wait a minute. You can't graduate from elementary school, you're a bear  (usatoday.com) (56)
(LIBN.com) Fail If you would have listened, I said only ONE of us should rob the bank then we could both blame the "evil twin"  (libn.com) (19)
(Gwinnett Daily Post) Stupid Man's widow wins $3 million after suing her late husband's doctor for not making his heart threesome-proof. Bonus points: she wasn't in the threesome  (gwinnettdailypost.com) (155)
(WESH Orlando) Florida Woman says mold killed her husband in the Panhandle. That certainly doesn't speak well for her Oven  (wesh.com) (18)
(Huffington Post) Strange No, you can't get Adolf Hitler back. Not yours  (huffingtonpost.com) (70)
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) Weird "Traffic around here is as bad as two cows farking." That's a saying, right? Well, it is in Pittsburgh  (post-gazette.com) (32)
(Some Guy) Obvious "She's such a fun person to be around, and she's always energetic - always has something fun to do" say students of the librarian accused of having sex with teenagers  (big106.com) (69)
(Fark) Survey What Stephen King novel or short story that was made into a movie or miniseries would you want to see rebooted?  (fark.com) (338)
(Cincinnati Enquirer) Sad Alas, Davy Crockett's vision of building a theme park featuring key periods in American history that started with guests entering through the Mayflower and visiting the Salem Witch Trials and time machines was not meant to be  (cincinnati.com) (24)
(Think Progress) Dumbass What war on women? Spokesman for Rep Nan Hayworth's (R-NY) re-election campaign says people should "hurl some acid at those female Democratic Senators" who are advocating passage of a gender pay gap bill  (thinkprogress.org) (622)
(Atlanta Journal Constitution) Dumbass Atlanta's august Piedmont Drunk Driving Club looks more like a scene from the movie Caddyshack than anything else  (blogs.ajc.com) (16)
(WTKR) Sick Man claims to be former member of secret, psychic, Navy SEAL Team, says he got into trouble for intentionally diverting a missile that was going to blow up Iraqi kids. Federal records show the actual trouble was for having sex with a girl  (wtkr.com) (97)
(Talking Points Memo) Florida Justice department demands Florida stop purging legitimate voters from its rolls, suggests removing zombies instead   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com) (44)
(Time) Spiffy To help you celebrate National Doughnut Day, here's a guide on where you can get free ones today  (moneyland.time.com) (26)
(CNN) Cool 14-year-old Snigdha Nandipati wins Scripps National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling Snigdha Nandipati  (cnn.com) (51)
(Metro) Dumbass Congratulations on finishing the marathon. Here's your penis  (metro.co.uk) (33)
(Fox News) Strange Mick Jagger called on to mediate Peruvian mining dispute. In other news, Henry Kissinger will be touring with Keith Richards this summer  (latino.foxnews.com) (28)
(Mother Nature Network) Scary What do the Pinto, the Volt, the Cooper, the Fiero, and the 458 Italia all have in common?  (mnn.com) (106)
(Washington Post) Hero The mightiest Democratic sellsword ever, Lord Billus of the Clinton, has once again saddled his trusty steed and is riding north to slay the Villainous Scott Walker  (washingtonpost.com) (364)
(Daily Star) Dumbass Ten percent of Brits think David Cameron is an alien. The other 90 percent haven't heard of him  (dailystar.co.uk) (31)
(Slate) Silly The greatest crisis facing America? The inability to order pants that fit online  (slate.com) (75)
(Statesman) Strange Chupacabra photographed near Austin. Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster unavailable for comment  (statesman.com) (46)
(Seacoastonline.com) Silly Slow news day in New Hampshire as "Uncooperative turtle draws police response"  (seacoastonline.com) (34)
(HLNtv.com) Florida Helpful hint for aspiring murderers: If you're thinking of killing someone in their sleep, it's probably not a great idea to do it immediately after googling "ways to kill people in their sleep"  (hlntv.com) (49)
(USA Today) Unlikely New study from the auto, coal and airline institute says thunderstorms are responsible for spreading pollution  (usatoday.com) (31)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop these unfazed kids  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (38)
(UPI) Interesting A police officer finds an unorthodox way of telling his wife that her butt is too big (link fixed)  (upi.com) (30)
(BBC) Unlikely Freed dissident Chen Guangcheng is hopeful for Chinese democracy, Slash and Axl reunion  (bbc.co.uk) (40)
(Some TFette) Survey Got two unrelated, unsolicited heartfelt "thank-you's" from two of my clients today. What are the little things that make all the b/s worth it to you?  (psycnet.apa.org) (198)
(Some Drunk Guy) Obvious After years of collegiate research, scientists conclude men looking for a one-night stand are more attracted to drunk, dumb women (with convenient pic of what attractive, drunk dumb women might look like)  (readthehorn.com) (135)
(Houston Chronicle) PSA How to tell if that voice in your head is God. Is it telling you to kill people? Yep, that's God  (blog.chron.com) (105)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Podiatrist accused of begging a 15 year-old teenage babysitter to have sex with him for pay. However, he picked the wrong girl to ask and truly sowed the seeds of his own defeat  (sun-sentinel.com) (66)
(Buzzfeed) Interesting 40 of the most powerful photographs ever taken. Subby made it to #36 before it got way too dusty  (buzzfeed.com) (281)
(Huffington Post) Cool I fap, you fap, we all fap *fap fap fap*  (huffingtonpost.com) (96)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida The "Miami Zombie" case has "spread to various social media outlets and a wave of dark humor has been unleashed about this tragedy." There's a reason you have your own tag  (sun-sentinel.com) (96)
(Daily Mail) Sick Man, the price of Bunga Bunga has really gone up  (dailymail.co.uk) (41)
(Fark) Boobies Funny Pictures Thread. Woohoo  (fark.com) (158)
(CNBC) Scary Since pressuring banks to make loans worked out so well last time, the feds are now pressuring banks to buy up the ever-mounting pile of government debt. This will end badly, and we will be lucky to get out alive  (cnbc.com) (125)
(Houston Chronicle) Spiffy Drew's getting shiatfaced, so here are some women in bikinis (some images in thread might be NSFW)  (chron.com) (88)
(The Weekly Standard) Dumbass Blamer-in-chief can't resist taking a shot at GWB, at GWB's official portrait unveiling. Politics? Now? Speaking of which, did anyone find out whose speech it was that Biden plagiarized this Memorial Day holiday?  (weeklystandard.com) (257)
(Fark) Unlikely Is there a popular strip club you've never been to?  (fark.com) (57)
(Lowering the Bar) Amusing Tired of drones following you everywhere, getting woken up by late night calls from the NSA, and discovering that all of your mail was opened before it was delivered? Then sign up for the "Do Not Kill" list  (loweringthebar.net) (23)
(NJ.com) Amusing Slideshow of swimsuit pics from Memorial Day on the Jersey shore. You know you want to look  (photos.nj.com) (65)
(Some Guy) Followup White supremacist previously on Fark for his racist license plate has upgraded to felony gun charges  (www2.insidenova.com) (67)
(Fark) Ironic So WTF? Am I just old school or should I be able to actually read a well written story with factual events without having to click and be subjected to a video? Can't anybody write a goddamn story anymore? Has the world gone crazy?  (fark.com) (71)
(ABC) Strange Ever wonder what the penalty is for removing your pants and sliding down a $30 million painting?  (abcnews.go.com) (22)
(Some Guy) Followup "One Million Moms" (population about 12) continues their campaign against JC Penney for daring to have sale flyers that show actual, well-adjusted married people with their children  (onemillionmoms.com) (92)
(CNN) Cool Uh oh, subby is going to have to start leaving a much larger tip  (cnn.com) (13)
(Fark) Weird Is there a very popular chain restaurant you've never been to? Subby has never been to Denny's  (fark.com) (137)
(Some Guy) Cool The company that makes the most disgusting foods imaginable has a website. Unless you're a Scot then it is manna  (macsween.co.uk) (33)
(Fark) Survey If BACK TO THE FUTURE was remade and took place this year, what car would Doc Brown use for his time machine?  (fark.com) (168)
(The Stranger) Hero Cops say hero in Seattle cafe shooting saved lives by flinging stools at gunman, was not a monkey  (slog.thestranger.com) (36)
(Romenesko) Amusing Saying it's tired of the competition, Associated Press wants DC police to clear prostitutes away from its DC bureau  (jimromenesko.com) (9)
(Slate) Obvious New Yorker columnists are nothing more than pretentious English majors who manufacture controversies and keep harping on them for no reason whatsoever  (slate.com) (25)
(The Peeper) Cool After nine years, time-shifted 1660's blogger Samuel Pepys published his final diary entry today  (pepysdiary.com) (10)
(Jezebel) Unlikely In a stunningly original tactic sure to change the rhetoric of the Internet, a Jezebel writer throws an angry fit in order to remind the world that memes often make inappropriate lightness of real, suffering human beings  (jezebel.com) (69)

Thu May 31, 2012
(Some Guy) Scary If you lost your snake in downtown Portland, the police would like to have a word (but expect a scolding because they said it, "looked scared")  (kgw.com) (18)
(Slate) Amusing Is being a 29-year-old virgin really an accomplishment? Click the number at right for commentary from the experts  (slate.com) (169)
(BBC) Unlikely Britain's NHS recommends cutting daily alcohol intake to just 1/4 of a pint. In related news, London's next Fark party will be from 8:00:00 to 8:00:00.0005 next Thursday  (bbc.co.uk) (23)
(CNN) Followup Canadian body-parts mailer is a serial kitten-killer and was romantically linked to serial rapist-murderer Karla Homolka. Then it gets weird  (cnn.com) (84)
(Independent) Obvious CNN Panics over slump in ratings, considering a TotalCNN package for $5 a month  (independent.co.uk) (44)
(WLSAM) Unlikely Chicago's Soldier Field will host the Superbowl, except for one thing. Nope, not that  (wlsam.com) (40)
(Huffington Post) Sad Aussie truck driver's answer to the age-old question "How do you get a sheep to push back?"  (huffingtonpost.com) (22)
(CNBC) Fail Change you can believe in: America lost 129,000 millionaires in 2011. Sales of tiny violins, however, are booming  (cnbc.com) (117)
(The New York Times) Interesting Paralyzed rats. See how they run. They all ran after the scientist's wife, who cut their spines with a carving knife, did you ever see such a sight in your life, as paralyzed rats  (nytimes.com) (21)
(The Smoking Gun) Sick Murderer admits to eating victim's heart and brains, made no comment on the appropriate wine pairing  (thesmokinggun.com) (38)
(Some Guy) Amusing According to FB, Drew is drunk as Cooter Brown and up to shenanigans. Grab yer popcorn  (facebook.com) (849)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this side dish  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (23)
(WLSAM) Fail When stripper poles are outlawed, only outlaws will have stripper poles  (wlsam.com) (227)
(CBC) Repeat Canada's secret space program announces its first incredible success  (cbc.ca) (113)
(Daily Mail) Asinine "Lingerie model" spends $50k on tanning bed addiction after apparently getting kicked out of Willy Wonka's for eating all the chocolates  (dailymail.co.uk) (191)
(Short List) Weird From the man who bought you the ice cream made from breast milk, comes ice lolly made from holy water and absinthe  (shortlist.com) (45)
(Charlotte Observer) NewsFlash John Edwards is guilty of being a douchebag. And banging ugly mistresses. And having great hair. And that's it  (charlotteobserver.com) (234)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop these Earthenware pots  (cdn1.wn.com) (27)
(Some Guy) Fail On the Department of Homeland Security's website and want to report fraud, waste, or abuse? Excellent, citizen, just click the link  (dhs.gov) (77)
(Some Guy) Asinine European Union realizes nobody speaks French anymore besides the French, issues reports in a more widely used language. French threaten to party like it's 1066  (ynaija.com) (135)
(SacBee) Scary Police in upstate NY clock motorcyclist doing 193 in the pouring rain. Apparently even Darwin was too stunned at his stupidity to react  (sacbee.com) (185)
(Guardian) Sick Maybe it's time we ate more goat meat  (guardian.co.uk) (210)
(My Fox Detroit) Asinine Two innocent bystanders wounded after men get in gunfight over who made better Kool-Aid. Post your Detroit jokes or preference for Wyler's to the right  (myfoxdetroit.com) (82)
(The Detroit_News) Asinine Detroit residents to beautification group: How dare you plant apple trees to improve our park?  (detroitnews.com) (132)
(ABC) News John Edwards possibly to join the exclusive club that has prestigious members like Rod Blagojevich and Tom Delay. Live verdict now  (abcnews.go.com) (91)
(Some Guy) Misc 9) The back of my hand if you kids don't shut up back there   (todaytravel.today.msnbc.msn.com) (90)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Man hiding in couple's closet wore hoddie, spandex shorts pulled up high above his thighs. This brings up the question: what's a 'hoddie'?  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com) (43)
(ABC) Hero $100k raised for TX honor student who was working two jobs to support her siblings and jailed for missing too much school. She refuses to accept it because: "There's some other kid out there struggling more ... than me"  (abcnews.go.com) (196)
(KTRK) Strange Today's image of Jesus appears on a moldy shower stall wall in the delightful town of Splendora, TX  (abclocal.go.com) (92)
(BBC) Scary Gonorrhea infections rise 25% in England as doctors fear it is becoming untreatable. Truly, this is the burning issue of our times  (bbc.co.uk) (70)
(Buzzfeed) Amusing 15 ridiculous sex questions on found Yahoo Answers  (buzzfeed.com) (128)
(Bradenton Herald) Florida Man arrested for third sex crime: "I (feel) I will be in a worse position if I spend a year in jail ... because my illegal urges will be a lot stronger when I get out." Good point. Hang him  (bradenton.com) (97)
(Daily Mail) Asinine U.N. recommends Robert Mugabe be charged with crimes against humanity. Just kidding, they name him U.N. tourism ambassador  (dailymail.co.uk) (80)
(ABC) Amusing Woman demands Neiman-Marcus accept a return of $1.4 million in gifts that her husband gave her, after realizing he bought all of them while he was having an affair with her Neiman-Marcus personal shopper  (abcnews.go.com) (62)
(The Sun) Strange Step right up for sickest show on earth, the Best Korean circus  (thesun.co.uk) (79)
(Bismarck Tribune) Weird "While searching the man's purse, officers found a holster containing four throwing stars, which are Japanese weapons used for throwing, slashing or stabbing"  (bismarcktribune.com) (29)
(Gizmodo) Amusing Confirmed: Drake and billionaire oil man T. Boone Pickens are this generation's Abbott and Costello  (gizmodo.com) (52)
(CBS Miami) Followup Cannibal attack victim's family thought he had killed himself 30 years ago  (miami.cbslocal.com) (51)
(JSOnline) Asinine Aging Wisconsin billionaire that clearly is trying to keep herself alive through plastic surgery paid 100% less taxes than those union thug teachers making 7 figures  (jsonline.com) (235)
(CNN) Dumbass Mosque build halted by TN judge over public notice "in relatively small type near the bottom of a page which contained a number of advertisements and legal notices". 72 point MOOSLIMS INVADIN' YER NEIGHBORHOOD front page spread OK  (cnn.com) (82)
(CNN) Amusing HAHAHAHAHAHAA The U.N. Wants to regulate the internet HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA   (tech.fortune.cnn.com) (53)
(NYPost) Spiffy What's better than hooking up with your smoking hot teacher? Getting paid $500 from your buddies for doing so. "Eric's da' man"  (nypost.com) (66)
(CSMonitor) Obvious French journalist claims FARC captors were respectful, obviously never had time to visit the politics tab  (csmonitor.com) (4)
(Yahoo) Amusing Millionaire is so rich he makes paper airplanes out of money and tosses it to the common people  (news.yahoo.com) (24)
(UPI) Fail Fisherman busted for poaching claims he filled his cooler with store-bought frozen trout, just to impress his family  (upi.com) (8)
(Economist) Fail Well, I think I found the problem. In a survey, Greeks actually think that they are the hardest working country in Europe  (economist.com) (100)
(Salon) Fail Men and boys are failing at life and falling behind when it comes to relationships because they can't ask a woman out on a date  (salon.com) (188)
(The Business Journals) Amusing Jostens misspells 'education' on diplomas - for two years straight  (bizjournals.com) (30)
(New York Daily News) Interesting NY governor Andrew Cuomo replaces the ♥ in the iconic I♥NY logo with...really? A slice of pizza? A beach ball? Farkers can do better than that  (nydailynews.com) (50)
(Buzzfeed) Silly What's more fun than watching Beluga whales frolic at the aquarium? Watching them play some soccer of course  (buzzfeed.com) (21)
(Some Guy) Followup Bath salts users didn't turn into cannibals until bath salts were outlawed. Coincidence?   (ballwin-ellisville.patch.com) (85)
(Computerworld) Interesting Blaming its IPO shortcomings to its weak mobile advertising presence, Facebook could buy Nokia to build Facephone soon to be followed by Facepalm  (computerworld.com) (41)
(Daily Mail) Amusing This week's Guantanamo torture session brought to you by the letter A and the number F*CK YOU  (dailymail.co.uk) (50)
(Contact Music) Silly Lisa Marie Presley pulls personal Michael Jackson letter from auction, possibly because he reveals her pet name for him was Turd  (contactmusic.com) (35)
(Some Thwarted Revisionist) Dumbass Some guy seems to be really pissed that Wikipedia keeps removing his edits from the Obama page   (danfromsquirrelhill.wordpress.com) (108)
(TM Daily Post) Followup Judge who threw honor student in jail has a change of heart  (tmdailypost.com) (51)
(Slate) Cool The origins of the greatest condiment known to man: Ketchup, which goes on everything from eggs to ham to hot dogs to chicken  (slate.com) (118)
(Buzzfeed) Interesting The 10 most insane festivals around the world, not including the one that happens nightly in your mom's bedroom  (buzzfeed.com) (27)
(CBC) Amusing Actual headline: "Garbage truck lands on Saturn"  (cbc.ca) (61)
(NYPost) Amusing YO YO YO Your Honors, I'm really happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but this is the least newsworthy plea deal of all time. OF ALL TIME  (nypost.com) (13)
(Buzzfeed) Obvious Meet the 21st Century's first new mental illness: The belief you are the unwitting star of secret reality show  (buzzfeed.com) (59)
(NASA) Misc The Dragon has returned. LGT NASA TV  (nasa.gov) (48)
(Short List) Stupid Censors in China cut "offensive" portrayals of Chinese out of Men In Black 3. Just wait until those damn alien censors see it  (shortlist.com) (18)
(Boston.com) NewsFlash 1st U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals finds that DOMA is unconstitutional  (boston.com) (398)
(LA Times) Interesting Former Liberian President Charles Taylor gets 50 years in prison for war crimes, outsourcing manufacture of his All-Star shoes to China  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (7)
(Huffington Post) Florida Masturbating on the highway, flashing cops, and giving them a "love chomp" when they arrest you is no way to go through life, son -- er, ma'am  (huffingtonpost.com) (22)
(MSNBC) Scary While the TSA was strip searching your nana and groping your four-year old, this guy left jail and boarded a plane without a ticket  (overheadbin.msnbc.msn.com) (42)
(Athens Banner Herald) Followup Remember the naked old man wheelchair / cane fight from last week? Well, he's at it again. He was caught this time when the police matched up his wheelchair tracks. Bonus: He told a "Mexican" to go back to "San Salvador"  (onlineathens.com) (25)
(CNN) Obvious "Sheesh, it's not even June, and I'm already sick of this stuff. With five months to go until the election, I think a steady diet of this junk will drive me into a mental institution"  (cnn.com) (75)
(Yahoo) Amusing Spider-Man, Spider-Man, he can do what a spider can, saves the banks in all of Spain, Spider-Man, Spider-Man  (news.yahoo.com) (13)
(Wired) Amusing Hey look, it's stage five media fatigue. (Drew Curtis playbook, page 198)  (wired.com) (12)
(Daily Mail) Hero Terrorist removed from airplane for refusing to buckle his seatbelt  (dailymail.co.uk) (118)
(AP) Silly Hallmark's next card: "Sorry that I made you evacuate your building due to a perceived bomb threat"  (hosted.ap.org) (11)
(Bismarck Tribune) Weird Angry birds keep attacking drivers in Bismarck. They're probably targeting road hogs  (bismarcktribune.com) (21)
(New Zealand Herald) Amusing As Apple and Samsung battle each other over patents, Technicolor taps each of them on the shoulder and tells them, "Remember us? We invented color, biatches: Patent# 3484328"  (nzherald.co.nz) (81)
(Examiner) Cool "They're Heeere"  (examiner.com) (32)
(Palm Beach Post) Followup Teen enjoys miraculous recovery from car surfing accident, is subsequently pranked into wearing goofy looking hat by hospital staff  (palmbeachpost.com) (49)
(The Big Picture) Unlikely List of all the articles the MSM has written since 2006 predicting the housing market has reached rock bottom. In other news, the housing market has finally reached rock bottom  (ritholtz.com) (37)
(MSNBC) Obvious Economic growth slowed to barely 1.9% in the first quarter as government spending on all levels dropped by 4%. It's almost as if the two have an inverse relationship or something   (economywatch.msnbc.msn.com) (269)
(ESPN) Interesting Will the Comfort Room be used? Which entrant was told not to come home if they didn't win? How do you spell "Onomatopoeia"? It's the 2012 Scripps National Spelling Bee, semifinals at 10 AM on ESPN 2, with Finals at 8 PM on ESPN  (espn.go.com) (35)
(News.com.au) Cool Honey, did that iceberg just moon us? (with video)  (news.com.au) (19)
(Daily Mail) Sad Wolverine found dead after bizarre sex game went wrong  (dailymail.co.uk) (76)
(CNN) Sad Six year old spelling champion falls in first round. They call me the ingluvies  (cnn.com) (51)
(WALB) Unlikely Woman breaks into home, cleans it, leaves bill. Windows left untouched because she "doesn't do that"  (walb.com) (28)
(Trebuchet Magazine) Interesting Men's offices have more bacteria than womens'? Shucks, I'll survive. Most of it comes from 'nasal, oral, or intestinal cavities'? Groo  (trebuchet-magazine.com) (47)
(Daily Mail) Hero All 28 living Victoria Cross and George Cross winners meet up for lunch, comparison of giant brass balls  (dailymail.co.uk) (75)
(BBC) Followup Canadian body-parts-in-the-mail story gets better and better. Police now searching for Luka Rocco Magnotta, a porn actor with at least two aliases  (bbc.co.uk) (69)
(WFTV) Florida Some school children start sex education earlier than others. "I learned what a penis is at the bus stop"  (wftv.com) (20)
(Washington Post) Asinine Substitute teacher arrested and charged with "indecent liberties" on 17-year-old female student: namely, sending her a flirty text. Death is too good  (washingtonpost.com) (126)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this ship section  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (21)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Since students are flunking and bombing the FCAT standardized test, one school district decides to unanimously get more teachers, after-school study programs, and new technology. Just kidding; they want to ban the test  (sun-sentinel.com) (159)
(Yahoo) Dumbass The tragic story of a young man crushed by student loan debt. Of course, perhaps he shouldn't have taken out $60K at a 19% interest rate to attend the California Culinary Academy, then refused to pay them back  (finance.yahoo.com) (363)
(Think Progress) Hero In response to the outcry over a recent ad featuring a lesbian couple, JC Penney has released a new ad which does not feature a lesbian couple  (thinkprogress.org) (259)
(The New York Times) Asinine But without my 32oz soda, what will I wash my 1500 calorie pizza down with?  (nytimes.com) (582)
(Yahoo) Hero FDA rejects new name for high fructose corn syrup  (news.yahoo.com) (165)
(The Atlantic) PSA Old person smell is real. Here comes the geriatric science  (theatlantic.com) (72)
(The Local (Germany)) Scary Ever wondered what it feels like to be 75? Try the all new 'age suit'  (thelocal.de) (88)
(AZCentral) Amusing Two women, one disabled Jetta, a downhill slope and at precisely 88 mph it jumped 12-16 feet in the air and struck the second story of a house. Serious shiat was seen  (azcentral.com) (99)
(AZ Family) Interesting Woman busted for trying to trade a Happy Ending for a Happy Meal (w/ mugshot that will make you Grimace)  (azfamily.com) (109)
(Farktography) Farktography Theme of Farktography Contest No. 369: "Rust Never Sleeps". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme  (farktography.net) (140)

Wed May 30, 2012
(BBC) Interesting Just like your mom, supervolcanoes are eager to blow  (bbc.co.uk) (53)
(Grist) Interesting Income inequality has gotten so bad it can be seen from space  (grist.org) (217)
(Some TFette) Followup A thank you letter to Fark and Farkers for helping me with my charity fundraiser earlier this month. It is from the agency that received the money and details where the money goes  (i947.photobucket.com) (66)
(Chicago Tribune) Hero Chicago wants to pass a law preventing teenagers from looking like Jersey Shore rejects  (chicagotribune.com) (94)
(Some Guy) Photoshop Photoshop what else the Opportunity rover sees on Mars  (m.static.newsvine.com) (42)
(truTV) Obvious Just in case you weren't sure, investigators have determined that Anders Behring Breivik was not, in fact, acting under the orders of a conspiracy of Anti-Muslim Knights Templar  (blog.trutv.com) (59)
(Fark) Amusing Annoying co-worker has a habit of leaving his computer unlocked. I'm thinking of adding "Smoke weed everyday" to his signature block. What is your best office prank?  (fark.com) (460)
(Gainesville Sun) Florida You rode a scooter to a murder? Son, I am disappoint  (gainesville.com) (95)
(Indecision Forever) Amusing 10 greatest moments in political misspellings  (indecisionforever.com) (95)
(Yahoo) Sad Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's incurable metastatic rhabdomyosarcoma only has a few months left to live. Tag is for the certain death of the poor little cancer  (news.yahoo.com) (206)
(Guardian) Followup Authoritarian regime stops the rest of the world from stopping authoritarian regime  (guardian.co.uk) (53)
(CNN) Silly Is Mitt Romney actually a unicorn, and thus ineligible for the presidency? We're just asking questions  (cnn.com) (185)
(Scientific American) Asinine NC bans sea level rise; King Canute unavailable for comment   (blogs.scientificamerican.com) (135)
(CNN) Obvious To all the geek posers out there in your brand new Domo-kun shirt that you bought at Target: welcome to the party  (geekout.blogs.cnn.com) (275)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this contortionist at Cannes  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (23)
(Al Jazeera) Followup Iran blames Israel and United States for 'Flame', expresses anger at upcoming 'Smoke,' 'Rubble' and 'Explosions'  (aljazeera.com) (143)
(ABC) Misc Eagle Scout Zach Wahls challenged the Boy Scouts of America's anti-gay policy today when he delivered three boxes of petitions demanding change, then he went back to his Moms basement  (abcnews.go.com) (225)
(CTV) Followup "Police say body parts found in Montreal, Ottawa, linked." Well, not literally, of course  (montreal.ctv.ca) (135)
(SeattlePI) Sad Search for missing Idaho pilot spreads across wide area, possibly like the pilot himself  (seattlepi.com) (26)
(KMOV St. Louis) Dumbass Found: Lootie. He joined the MO National Guard and helped in Joplin  (kmov.com) (63)
(CBS News) Followup Pope "saddened in my heart" over Vatican corruption. Just kidding, he's sorry that people found out about it  (cbsnews.com) (170)
(Newser) Unlikely Most Extroverted US City Is ... Keota, Iowa? Even the residents are confused  (newser.com) (32)
(Gizmodo) Fail Mark Zuckerberg status update: Out of cash. How does this ATM thing work, anyways?  (gizmodo.com) (124)
(Forbes) Stupid Forbes weighs in on the pressing issue of our time: how it feels to have been hacked in Diablo III  (forbes.com) (178)
(CBC) Repeat Hand, foot and now a partial body in Montreal. Could this be the work of separatists?  (cbc.ca) (72)
(Houston Chronicle) Dumbass Drunk pregnant mom arrested after leaving baby in car to get piercing  (blog.chron.com) (51)
(NYPost) Followup Tebow has secret girlfriend..guess who it is. Think fark thread from last week and you may get it  (nypost.com) (233)
(Huffington Post) Interesting Obama forgot Poland  (huffingtonpost.com) (252)
(Patch) Scary I'm pretty sure this is not how guardrails are supposed to work  (oxford-ct.patch.com) (43)
(ABC) Amusing Truman's paperboy finally gets his $7.50 (plus interest)  (abcnews.go.com) (43)
(Metafilter) Silly I think my neighbor is beaming a UHF crazy beam into my house. I'm so very scared. Help  (ask.metafilter.com) (112)
(The Morning Sun) Dumbass Today's "thief-needs to be rescued from ductwork of store he's trying to rob" story comes from the middle of Michigan, with the bonus of making the attempt when the store was open  (themorningsun.com) (15)
(The Detroit_News) Scary I didn't know they made "biohazardous crime scene" warning tape  (detroitnews.com) (31)
(BBC) Interesting Cyber War I heats up as trojan horse is discovered in proxy software used by Iranian dissidents  (bbc.co.uk) (18)
(Reuters) Strange *DOG WHISTLE* Mitt Romney releases his birth certificate. *DOG WHISTLE* No reason. *DOG WHISTLE* Why do you ask. *DOG WHISTLE*  (reuters.com) (202)
(Yahoo) Dumbass "Too hairy" is listed in the Top 10 Reasons for not continuing to see someone. Have you ever stopped dating someone for a silly reason?  (shine.yahoo.com) (712)
(The Register) Amusing This toy is worse than masturbating to a picture of Lord Coe, official overlord of the 2012 Olympics. And believe me, I've tried  (theregister.co.uk) (37)
(WSFA) Spiffy Brown Shrimping Season opens today. I know nothing about the shrimp business. I'm just posting this because it sounds indescribably dirty  (wsfa.com) (32)
(BBC) Amusing UK Advertising watchdog releases list of most complained about adverts, number 1 spot goes advert with high levels of sex violence and drug taking ... only joking, it's people singing with their mouths full of KFC  (bbc.co.uk) (24)
(CNY Central) PSA Before you decide to "dine and dash," it is a good idea to make sure you didn't lock your keys in the car  (cnycentral.com) (44)
(Visual.ly) Interesting What the patent wars going on in the tech industry right now actually look like  (visual.ly) (46)
(GSN) Unlikely TSA to conduct about 750 'voluntary' assessments... wait a second - why is 'voluntary' in quotes?  (gsnmagazine.com) (76)
(NJ.com) Dumbass Man trying to steal overhead rail wires shocked to find out that they have electricity running through them  (nj.com) (37)
(CTV) Weird Today's heavy rains turning storm drains into geysers powerful enough to lift a car are brought to you courtesy, of Montreal, QC  (ctv.ca) (59)
(Forbes) Fail After 7 days, Facebook sets a new IPO record  (forbes.com) (189)
(Wired) Strange Actual headline: Mexican drug cartel declares war on Cheetos  (wired.com) (61)
(Washington Post) Interesting Virginia Tech is in the process of being blanketed by a centralized system of 2,500 security cameras. Don't you feel safer just thinking about it?  (washingtonpost.com) (165)
(LA Times Photos) Photoshop Photoshop this gal at Glastonbury Tor   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (34)
(Rapid City Journal) Spiffy 101-year-old South Dakota twins become the world's oldest living male twins. Favorite foods include bacon and sausage. Once again, behold the power of cured meat  (rapidcityjournal.com) (37)
(Gizmodo) Fail Mitt Romney's official iPhone app misspells America  (gizmodo.com) (268)
(USA Today) Spiffy Disney Cruise liner makes an unscheduled stop to rescue four Cuban refugees on a raft  (travel.usatoday.com) (41)
(BBC) Interesting London is now the sixth largest French city. This is not a repeat of 1560  (bbc.co.uk) (62)
(WCF Courier) Amusing "Clearly a hot load of something came out here"  (wcfcourier.com) (27)
(Phys Org2) Hero In a triumphant new breakthrough in science, researchers explain why Guinness bubbles sink to the bottom  (phys.org) (49)
(MSNBC) Obvious If you're going to develop a reputation for performing illegal body cavity searches, Officer Vagnini is the perfect name  (usnews.msnbc.msn.com) (40)
(Orlando Sentinel) Florida If you're going to ask for a cup of water so you may clean your private parts as part of a Muslim ceremony, it's probably best not to do it in the bathroom of the international airport   (articles.orlandosentinel.com) (70)
(LA Times) Followup Julian Assange can be leaked to Sweden  (latimesblogs.latimes.com) (179)
(Washington Post) Obvious If you bought black market Adderall from that guy in the next dormitory, the chances are pretty good that it contained fake - and possibly dangerous - ingredients  (washingtonpost.com) (55)
(Canada.com) Followup Second body part has Canadian police stumped  (canada.com) (34)
(IFC) Video IFC unveils new game show "Bunk". Sure, it's no Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced into Weight-Loss Programs, but it'll do (sponsored link)  (bs.serving-sys.com) (87)
(Pasadena Star News) Strange Pasadena woman drinks vodak, removes clothes & grabs crowbar to become The Terror Of Colorado Blvd: "She came in and started going crazy, running around the shop"  (pasadenastarnews.com) (35)
(Kare11) Scary Remember the Memorial Day when you got a mortar round in your chest? Seems like just yesterday  (kare11.com) (32)
(Boing Boing) Spiffy Aerial photography of Japanese volcanic island. In related news: Subby has a new favorite location for his secret lair  (boingboing.net) (42)
(Metronews.ca) Asinine A rookie cop pulls over an off duty cop for DWI. Do his fellow officers: a) Call him a rat. b) Refuse to assist him in the arrest. c) Pull his squad car over, immediately afterwards and ticket him for running a red. D) All of the above  (metronews.ca) (161)
(Yahoo) Asinine Idaho to ban Five Wives vodak due to its name being offensive to a group of people who don't drink anyway  (finance.yahoo.com) (56)
(Chicago Tribune) Dumbass Protip: Your robbery has the best chance of success if it isn't in front of a police station  (chicagotribune.com) (7)
(Washington Post) Obvious Snake-handling Pentecostal minister, the son of a snake-handling Pentecostal minister who died from a snakebite, dies from a snakebite  (washingtonpost.com) (138)
(UPI) Scary Eighty-five percent of senior U.S. drivers rate their driving as excellent or good, and will happily run down the reasons why  (upi.com) (104)
(Daily Mail) Interesting Working 9 to 5 decreases your chances of breast cancer; increases confusion between Skinny n Sweet and Rid-O-Rat  (dailymail.co.uk) (66)
(Missoulian) Weird Desperate car thieves steal a 1976 Ford Pinto. How desperate? The Pinto had four flats and wouldn't run--they had to load it onto a flatbed trailer to spirit it away  (missoulian.com) (64)

Tue May 29, 2012
(UPI) Amusing Best. Senior. Prank. Ever  (upi.com) (96)
(The Sun) Scary Ten-year-old boy steals the family car and goes on an erratic joyride. Bonus: Family Circus map of his journey  (thesun.co.uk) (32)
(St. Petersburg Times) Florida Facebook attempts to rebound from IPO fiasco with "Choke a 14 year old boy at the mall" feature  (tampabay.com) (53)
(Omaha World Herald) Unlikely According to Kiplinger's, the best city in which to raise children is... Omaha. Wait - Nebraska?  (omaha.com) (103)
(Mental Floss) Obvious Thirty-one common acronyms you probably don't know fully spelled out  (mentalfloss.com) (212)
(AZCentral) Weird You've hit a new low when you find yourself stealing your neighbor's pool water  (azcentral.com) (37)
(Metronews.ca) Obvious A recent survey proves the obvious. Canadians are lousy at sex...especially during hockey season  (metronews.ca) (161)
(LA Times Photos) Photoshop Photoshop this talk teaching   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (21)
(The Sun) Dumbass Man paints himself green to look like 'The Hulk'. AHHHHHHHHHHH HULK use permanent paint, paint not come OFFFFFFFFFFF  (thesun.co.uk) (113)
(Russia Today) Sad Ohnononono nonono nonono nononononono nooooooooo  (rt.com) (74)
(NorthJersey.com) Sick Bad: Man throws intestines at police. Offal: His own  (northjersey.com) (180)
(Some Guy) Ironic Problem solved: Officer responds to distress call about woman lying in the street by running her over  (kcrg.com) (71)
(Toronto Sun) Weird Honestly. Who mails a foot?  (torontosun.com) (100)
(NW Florida Daily News) Dumbass Hey, honey, can you drop me off at work? No? Well here's a punch in the face  (nwfdailynews.com) (53)
(UPI) Amusing Actual headline: Filipino govt. resumes talks with MILF. Giggity  (upi.com) (59)
(MSNBC) Dumbass Facebook: "Uh, yeah, so we totally farked up our IPO. How about we re-brand as Face.com?"  (marketday.msnbc.msn.com) (221)
(10 News) Sick Oh Wilbur, quit beating me with that sledgehammer  (10news.com) (129)
(LA Times Photos) Photoshop Photoshop this big bug   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (23)
(Al Jazeera) Followup Al-Qaeda #2 killed again in Afghanistan. It's almost as if NATO is camping his respawn point  (aljazeera.com) (167)
(Guardian) Scary Russian radio journalist stabbed 22 times. "...his life is not in danger." Behold the power of vodak  (guardian.co.uk) (47)
(Lacrosse Tribune) Dumbass Signs of Summer in Wisconsin...a little backyard grilling, hitting up some of the local hometown festivals, watching a man on a lawn tractor get arrested for OWI outside a Walgreen's - wait, what?  (lacrossetribune.com) (195)
(BBC) Sad Two weeks ago, a community rallied round couple who lost 6 of their 14 children in a house fire. Today the police arrested the couple on suspicion of murder  (bbc.co.uk) (148)
(Some Guy) Amusing Old: Teens binge drinking. Busted: College kids binge drinking. New hotness: Seniors binge drinking  (mega949.com) (90)
(Philly.com) Followup Philadelphia District Attorney Seth Williams is saddened that he stole some college students' LSD supply, but he admits he's kind of a dick that way  (philly.com) (85)
(WPTV) Florida A South Florida software engineer intends to spend $30,000 to trek through the Congo to discover, and possibly bring back, a living dinosaur...because "creatures like this could exist"  (wptv.com) (190)
(KNBC 4 Los Angeles) Fail Cockamamy thief busted for stealing schoolchildren's chickens while hiding in apartment closet  (nbclosangeles.com) (10)
(Daily Mail) Florida Lecktricity? We don't need no stinkin' lecktricity  (dailymail.co.uk) (54)
(Guardian) Scary Self-searing Radioactive Tuna* (*May cause super powers)  (guardian.co.uk) (65)
(Yahoo) Cool Five of the world's craziest water slides. Napoleon remains unimpressed  (games.yahoo.com) (79)
(WTKR) Asinine Just when you thought the TSA couldn't violate you any more  (wtkr.com) (167)
(Times Union) Hero See, I was a good friend of your dad's. We were in that Hanoi pit of hell together over five years. Hopefully...you'll never have to experience this yourself.... Butch. I got somethin' for you  (timesunion.com) (49)
(Fox News) Scary We're at NGPM 9, folks. Nancy Grace Panty Meltdown factor 9. A college girl has gone missing in Louisiana. A WHITE college girl. A WHITE, BLONDE college girl. AND THE CASE RESEMBLES THAT OF ANOTHER WHITE BLONDE GIRL FROM LAST YEAR  (foxnews.com) (107)
(970 WFLA) Florida Teen left with egg on his face. Three others arrested for putting it there  (970wfla.com) (24)
(Yahoo) Unlikely What the General MEANT to say is that the US has NOT been parachuting Special Forces into North Korea to perform special reconnaissance  (news.yahoo.com) (113)
(CSMonitor) Interesting Afghanistan and Iraq vets deploy to help citizens of a violent region ruled by armed gangs and resisted by local religious elders fearful of losing power: Baltimore  (csmonitor.com) (55)
(WFTV) Florida Fisherman's prosthetic hand comes loose while fish was on line, sinks. "Luckily, another fisherman hooked the exact same fish later on, and returned the prosthetic limb"  (wftv.com) (17)
(The Advocate) Fail DC's new gay character will most likely be the Golden Age Green Lantern. Well, now we know why his weakness has always been wood  (advocate.com) (185)
(Detroit Free Press) Scary Mom, what was it like when I was born?  (freep.com) (42)
(Mother Jones) Scary Biotech firm unleashes genetically engineered self-destructing mosquitoes to combat dengue fever. What could possibly go wrong? Well maybe nothing but a new army of bloodsucking zombie insects  (motherjones.com) (37)
(Globe and Mail) Scary Stuxnet was just a preview. Welcome Flame  (theglobeandmail.com) (105)
(The Sun) Followup Ever wanted to see what a traffic jam on Mount Everest - like the one that just killed four climbers - looks like? Well now you can  (thesun.co.uk) (185)
(MetroWest Daily News) Misc Some people get cards on their birthday. Others get a three-ton Chinese pagoda stolen from Otto von Bismarck by British soldiers during the Boxer Rebellion  (metrowestdailynews.com) (18)
(Fark) FarkBlog Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/20 - 5/26  (fark.com) (16)
(Huffington Post) Followup Reluctantly, Florida libraries allow Fifty Shades of Grey back onto the shelves after realizing it was the only reason people were visiting the outdated concept  (huffingtonpost.com) (140)
(Short List) Sick Meanwhile in Japan, this new Pepsi flavor arrived to ruin everyone's day  (shortlist.com) (120)
(BBC) Cool According to Volvo, drivers "can now work on their laptops, read a book or sit back and enjoy a relaxed lunch" while driving. So no change there  (bbc.co.uk) (63)
(WTKR) Strange Guy wrecks boat fleeing hurricane. Guy arrested three times, poops in patrol car. Boat wreckage torched by arsonist. Guy gets new boat from mysterious benefactor, vows to change. Guy's body found in water. Marina wonders who owns the boat  (wtkr.com) (25)
(WorldNetDaily) Silly Man sends copies of a book on "biblical prophecy" to members of Oklahoma's government, has not been charged with any crime but the politicians are "all reading it"  (wnd.com) (103)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Patrolman engaged in a foot chase with a suspect discovers leaping over a fence looks a lot easier on the TV cop shows than it is in real life  (sun-sentinel.com) (26)
(Paint Flowers) Cool You might think you can tell from the pixels, but you'd be wrong  (gizmodo.co.uk) (21)
(Fox News) Scary Listen, and understand. That kangaroo is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead  (foxnews.com) (55)
(With Leather) Spiffy It's cute when a stray dog follows you as you're biking. It's absolutely awesome when it follows you for 20 days and 1138 miles across China  (withleather.uproxx.com) (51)
(St. Petersburg Times) Followup Let's learn a little more about naked face-eating Miami guy  (tampabay.com) (231)
(LA Times Photos) Photoshop Photoshop this bevy of balls   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com) (21)
(Fox News) Obvious The more an individual knows about science, the less likely they are to be believers in "global warming". Here comes the science test  (foxnews.com) (582)
(New York Daily News) Scary When you're 90 years old, you probably wish some nice young lady will come by your house so you can get some fresh air. Just not this one  (nydailynews.com) (85)
(Daily Mail) Cool The best cliff bound monasteries/zombie fortresses  (dailymail.co.uk) (58)
(Denver Post) Cool Denver's solution for motorists who refuse to pull over for emergency vehicles: BASS  (denverpost.com) (249)
(SacBee) Fail Never bring a pitchfork to a gunfight  (blogs.sacbee.com) (40)

Mon May 28, 2012
(NYPost) Dumbass Hi, I'm a stupid idiot. Please come rob me  (nypost.com) (243)
(Tulsa World) Scary Apparently there's no mandatory retirement age for burglars. w/classic mugshot  (tulsaworld.com) (50)
(BBC) Obvious Dentistry in the UK needs reform. Unfortunately you can't just put an obvious tag in for the actual headline  (bbc.co.uk) (40)
(Major League Baseball) Cool The Twins' infield is a very dusty place  (minnesota.twins.mlb.com) (70)
(PennLive) Interesting High school wants to keep the grass down by...c) installing emus, alpacas, and sheep which will double as enhancing the agricultural education programs  (pennlive.com) (71)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this swooping cyclist  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (16)
(Daily Mail) Cool For sale: Fixer upper. 48 bedrooms, no bath. $4 million. No HOA  (dailymail.co.uk) (88)
(Some Loon) Dumbass Woman recognizes image of God in mixing bowl -- probably because it resembles all the pictures she has of Him  (bournemouthecho.co.uk) (115)
(Some Guy) Followup Online petition for Diane Tran has reached 20,000 signatures and almost $30,000 has been raised to help the honor student teen who was jailed for truancy  (datelinenews.org) (255)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida Brain surgeon hides engagement ring in the sand at the beach for his girlfriend to find, then can't remember where he hid it  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com) (83)
(Unintelligible) Advice Submitter needs suggestions for a House Fly home remedy - anyone got something better than this? anything?  (wikihow.com) (192)
(CNN) Ironic How to select the most appropriate wine by vintage and bouquet for your delicate palate after you slap the burgers and dogs on the BBQ. With helpful picture of wine glass full of beer  (eatocracy.cnn.com) (68)
(The Smoking Gun) Stupid The rules don't apply: it's the holiday edition of the Mugshot Roundup  (thesmokinggun.com) (80)
(Newser) Amusing Ever find yourself missing Rainforest Crunch? How about Fresh Georgia Peach, or Wild Maine Blueberry? Console yourself by making a pilgrimage to Ben & Jerry's Flavor Graveyard  (newser.com) (97)
(Some Guy) Unlikely The most common grade at American universities is now an A. It's good to know that all our university students are above average  (gradeinflation.com) (190)
(Some Guy) Florida A high school student who stopped some students from bullying a mentally disabled student on the bus is A) Thanked by the school. B) Honored by the school. C) Banned from the bus  (opposingviews.com) (118)
(Daily Mail) Stupid Parent upset after snowflake gets 'humiliating' joke award for not doing her homework. If only there was some way to avoid this, like MAKING HER DO HER GOTDAMM HOMEWORK OCCASIONALLY  (dailymail.co.uk) (204)
(Buffalo News) Sad This farmer thought he had only lost 99 cows, but then he rounded them up  (buffalonews.com) (50)
(Telegram) Photoshop Photoshop these soccer players  (telegram.com) (15)
(CNN) Florida Tropical Storm Beryl enters Florida, immediately becomes depressed. Farkers fully understand why  (cnn.com) (46)
(USA Today) Interesting Andy Rooney's WWII scoop from Nov 7th, 1944: The day Nazi 'robot rockets' almost bombed New York  (usatoday.com) (86)
(Bradenton Herald) Florida Chances are, if you're growing a two foot tall marijuana plant in a pot outside your front door, you won't get a chance to smoke it  (bradenton.com) (95)
(Daily Mail) Followup Canadian hang-glider pilot says he's really sorry he dropped that poor tourist to her death, and he only swallowed the video evidence because his 12-year-old daughter stressed him out  (dailymail.co.uk) (114)
(Mercury News) Interesting In this day and age, the Golden Gate bridge would never be built, thanks to hipsters, enviro-nuts and Disney  (mercurynews.com) (139)
(PennLive) Hero Dick Winters, a true American hero, immortalized with a statue in Normandy. It's about damn time  (pennlive.com) (102)
(Telegraph) Scary Apparently Best Korean officials are suffering from contagious and deadly "traffic accidents"  (telegraph.co.uk) (89)
(Miami Herald) Followup Police state that naked man eating another naked man's face is certainly a rare occurrence. "Other theories abounded, of course, sometimes leading to comparisons to one horror-movie staple, zombies"  (miamiherald.com) (78)
(The Sun) Unlikely Survey indicates women enjoy the best sex of their lives when they reach 28, men at 33. After that, it's all downhill  (thesun.co.uk) (202)
(Sun Sentinel) Florida As one of the only folks wearing clothing in the nudist resort, Hodges was easily spotted by deputies who arrested him at gunpoint after robbing two clerks at a nearby home improvement store and then stealing a golf cart  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com) (37)
(SacBee) Scary If you have to cross the new San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge on a regular basis, you probably should not read this article  (sacbee.com) (111)
(Pocono Record) Dumbass Anonymous resident of one of New York's trendiest neighborhood puts notes on light poles informing tourists how to behave properly. And New Yorkers wonder why the rest of the country think they're elitist jerksnobs  (poconorecord.com) (253)
(Some Guy) Weird You know that sugar scrub you see offered on backpage? Turns out they are real things. Subby thought it was a euphemism for something else. Anyway, here's how you can put one together, maybe to give on Father's Day  (thelook.today.msnbc.msn.com) (40)
(Bellingham Herald) Amusing Semi hauling toilet paper tips over on highway. Fark puns taken off the endangered species list  (bellinghamherald.com) (69)
(Daily Telegraph) Spiffy In an effort to get more loyal customers, bar will serve you a free steak if you buy a drink worth $4 or more. Your dog wants in on the next pub crawl  (dailytelegraph.com.au) (51)
(Some Guy) Hero Not news: American flags displayed for Memorial Day. News: At Arlington National Cemetery. Awesome: 260,000 of them  (fortstewart.patch.com) (85)
(MSN) Photoshop Photoshop this severe weather shelter  (msnbcmedia.msn.com) (29)
(BBC) Hero Crimefighter who rides a chopper. In Afghanistan. And is a female. Don't mess with her  (bbc.co.uk) (86)
(Slate) Survey Daily Show writer partners with Slate to crowdsource ideas for amending and rewriting the Constitution. Provide your ideas to the right  (hive.slate.com) (592)
(Boing Boing) Sad Canada's national archives is being dismantled and scattered, who needs to remember the history of the polar bear uprising anyway eh?  (boingboing.net) (176)
(TheSpec.com) Dumbass Man disappears in Niagara Falls whirlpool; presumed to be spinning in his grave  (thespec.com) (71)

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